Everything was based on a lie, and nobody told me. ***Sensitive, potential triggers***

[Nofoollikeanoldone]

I feel so bloody stupid, so foolish.

I don't know where to begin, it's such a mess. There was I thinking I had it all, the perfect family, perfect life... but it wasn't.

My stepson abused my children and then I found out that my husband was a schedule one sex offender.

I was pregnant with his child - too far gone to consider abortion - when I was told he had an offence relating to a child. I rang the police and then they weren't allowed to tell me anything due to data protection. So I asked him. He told me something that was plausible, believeable. So I asked his mother, she said the same, then his father, he said the same too. So I believed him, fucking fool that I am.

But it was lies, all lies. He told me that he'd had assessments that said he wasn't a danger. I believed him. Our baby was born and we went on to have another a couple of years later. Her life was based on a lie. We got married. All based on his lies. And still no one told me the truth, until my eldest disclosed he's been abused by his stepbrother.

Went straight to the police, and SS became involed. It was only then that I found out that the man I loved enough to marry was a schedule one offender. What he told me and what actually happened were two very different things.

And his parents knew, and said nothing. His ex knew, and said nothing. And I can't even divorce him until we've been married a year.

SS say he groomed me. Sought me out when I was vulnerable - I'd been recently bereaved - and got me pregnant quickly to tie me to him. I don't know what I think. I'd known him since I was 16, but never knew this.

I feel so stupid, so foolish, so ashamed.

You poor girl, I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your kids. I'm so bloody angry that you have been let down by those who were supposed to protect you. It sounds like social services are panicking because they have royally fucked up and are trying to harass you into feeling vulnerable. They're afraid your going to lodge an official complaint against them.

It feels somehow they have realised they have made errors previously and now they are being heavy handed with me, to make up for that.

That is very typical SS behaviour.

Sorry you are going through this, OP.

You are not to blame, this is due to his actions and SS failures. You deserve to be supported not further victimised.
I agree with the others, if your SW is not being supportive ask for a change, complain on previous failures to protect you and your family, contact your MP.
The refusal of the care order is a vindication of you - please focus on the positives, your children are now safe.

What's a schedule one offender?

OP I am confused. You say you didnt know about your husband but later say:

" Not once in the ten years since everyone signed the certificate of expectations to say H would never see his son unsupervised did they check. No checks were ever made at all."

Were you not party to this written agreement?

they havent been married a year
i think op means her partners ex and partners family

Yes, they havent been married long but were in a relationship and had 2 children before they married.

How long have you been together OP?

I remember your previous thread. At least now you know that his family are all of the same mindset, so hopefully you can dismiss them and their warped thinking.

As well as speaking to your MP, are you getting any support from your GP? They may be able to put you in touch with support organisations. Others have walked in your shoes, someone can help.

We have been together for a little over five years, though I've known him for 20 years, and we used to be together when I was 16. He was my first serious boyfriend, the first person I truly loved. We split up and I went travelling, and came back to find he had met someone else and they were having a baby together.

Wellcovered No, I was not party to that signing - I wasn't with H then, the people that signed everything were him, his ex and his parents. I found out about this certificate of expectations that had been broken because the SW told me.

It's all incredibly complicated. SS are taking me to court so that the judge can rule that I be assessed to see if I'm a suitable person to keep my children safe in the future, they also want him to rule that H be reassessed to find out what type of risk he is, as they feel the risk assessment he had when he first offended is dated now. They also want the judge to rule on supervised contact and to have it court ordered as obviously the previous supervised contact between him and his son wasn't supervised. This civil case will run alongside the criminal case as my stepson has been charged, so we're going through that too.

I have the best legal representation, a family law practice that came highly recommended from the SW mother of a good friend. They have been fantastic and say that I have an excellent chance of keeping my children with me, and that's the most important thing.

As for my SW, well, we're currently on the third one in six months. I'd rather not have to have yet another one - all the new faces are confusing the children and they need continuity and stability, which I'm trying my best to give them.

The elder children's headmaster has been quite vocal that I should make a formal complaint against SS, not so much for what they have done, as that's what had to happen, but because of the way they have gone about things. TBH I'm not sure if I have the energy for that, my main focus is getting all of us through each day.

Thank you for clarifying OP.
You and your children have been really betrayed by your husband and his family and it also sounds as if CSC have made serious errors in their past monitoring, which have had huge consequences for you.How can they say they are worried about your ability to protect ?

I am glad to hear you have confidence in your legal team, and clearly the court have ruled their is no requirement for an Interim Order, which must help you feel better about the court process as a whole.

Sending you lots of good wishes

Thanks for that, Fab - it does make interesting reading.

There's absolutely no chance of a reconciliation for us. I am totally decided on that. I will not put my children at risk anymore than I have done already.

They say that as I knew he had an offence, I shouldn't have continued a relationship with him. Hindsight is a wonderful thing indeed and if I'd have known the proper truth I certainly wouldn't have stayed with him. But that's by the by, I did, and now I'm paying the consequences of those actions, we all are. And you can't imagine how guilty I feel about that. I've let my children down so badly.

OP, whatever you feel about how CSC have done/are doing, I would urge you to show them you are someone they can work with and that will really go a long way to lessening their concerns.

Please dont feel guilty (easy to say, I know) We'd all be perfect with hindsight

Oh I absolutely am. They have, in case conferences, commended me on it. There was a situation at Christmas where my daughter was taken critically ill, and I was told that if anyone else should be there, then now would be the time to call them as she might not make it through the night. Rather than ring H and have him come straight away, I called the duty SW team and explained the situation to them, and they sorted him to come to her bedside. Thankfully she pulled through and is perfectly healthy now, but I did it all as I should - I really won't do anything to jepordise the children.

Equally though, I refuse to be bullied by them, as has happened. They demanded that I take my youngest to A&E one Friday night as she had a touch of nappy rash, and threatened there would be 'dire consequences' if I didn't. Obviously I took her, but the staff at A&E had a right go because I'd wasted their time. I also called them for help when my son told me he wanted to kill himself. I'm still waiting for them to ring me back. They seem really inconsistent.

So yes, I'm happy to work with them, and I've done everything they have asked of me.

"No, that is SS's stance. They have started court proceedings against me"

oh my god, how is that even possible, how can they even think to try to slide the blame to you, you poor thing

they demand you take your son to a&e for a slight nappy rash, yet they don't bother to respond when you report an older suicidal son. This makes me ????? speechless.

So SS are taking you to court over their belief that you have failed to protect your family, even though you were unaware of the exact nature of the case ?

But they themselves have not done nothing to protect your family even though they were aware of all the facts...for 10 years ?

not done anything

Yes, that's the basic gist of it. They are wanting a care order on the children, but assure me that they want them to remain with me. I'm not convinced. They say they only want the care order so they can have joint PR - I'm terrified if they get the care order then they will come and take the children anytime they decide to.

I would be wanting to know from SS... Why have YOU failed to protect my children, but dont really know hoe these things work

They are saying that the onus was on him to tell them he'd started a new relationship, had children etc. They say because he didn't tell them, they couldn't know we were in a relationship. They say there were no checks done after they (him, his ex and his parents) signed the COE because they assumed they would tell the truth and stick to the rules.

Op, I was in a very similar situation several years ago. I won't go into details because tbh I still struggle to talk about it but I wanted to offer my support.

Remember, you have done nothing wrong. Your ex groomed you. The only person to blame for what happened is him.

I too had to be investigated by ss with regards to the ability to my ability to protect my children, although it never had to go to court. My ex has no contact with my dc now and nor will he. I think I was lucky that I got a lovely sw but I stayed 100% cooperative with them at all times and went a long way to proving I was capable of protecting my dc.