Everything was based on a lie, and nobody told me. ***Sensitive, potential triggers***

[Nofoollikeanoldone]

I feel so bloody stupid, so foolish.

I don't know where to begin, it's such a mess. There was I thinking I had it all, the perfect family, perfect life... but it wasn't.

My stepson abused my children and then I found out that my husband was a schedule one sex offender.

I was pregnant with his child - too far gone to consider abortion - when I was told he had an offence relating to a child. I rang the police and then they weren't allowed to tell me anything due to data protection. So I asked him. He told me something that was plausible, believeable. So I asked his mother, she said the same, then his father, he said the same too. So I believed him, fucking fool that I am.

But it was lies, all lies. He told me that he'd had assessments that said he wasn't a danger. I believed him. Our baby was born and we went on to have another a couple of years later. Her life was based on a lie. We got married. All based on his lies. And still no one told me the truth, until my eldest disclosed he's been abused by his stepbrother.

Went straight to the police, and SS became involed. It was only then that I found out that the man I loved enough to marry was a schedule one offender. What he told me and what actually happened were two very different things.

And his parents knew, and said nothing. His ex knew, and said nothing. And I can't even divorce him until we've been married a year.

SS say he groomed me. Sought me out when I was vulnerable - I'd been recently bereaved - and got me pregnant quickly to tie me to him. I don't know what I think. I'd known him since I was 16, but never knew this.

I feel so stupid, so foolish, so ashamed.

Sorry for typos. On phone and have a 4 year old on my head :)

I'm sorry that you've been through this too, MsSelina It's truly awful. I feel such shame.

I haven't been able to really tell anyone IRL, my two best friends know and they have been incredibly supportive, but none of my family know. They live hundreds of miles away, apart from my dad and I can't tell him as he has dementia. I just feel so alone.

havent got anything useful to say, just I am so sorry nofool. Wishing you and your children the best of luck and courage and strength

Agree with Camping.

Make a diary of dates (if you can remember them) or just a timeline of events. Including your approach to police and family.

Can you afford to see a solicitor or find out if you qualify for legal aid? Can Woman's Aid point you in the direction of a friendly solicitor or specialist charity group?

If you google The Law Society and call them, they can give you the names and numbers of solicitors who specialise within family law involving sexual abuse/SS.

Do not feel guilty about this. His family covered and colluded. The authorities were incompetent.

There must be someone/somewhere, where you could get info on what is the proper procedure the police/SS has to follow. So, about monitoring (or lack of) you partner's living/working/relationships. And again procedure of police when requests for information are made.

Actually, I see no reason in asking SS and the police what their procedures and guidelines are themselves. I imagine they are public information.

Make all requests in writing/emails. Paper trails for everything. Ask for any details of phone conversations to be relayed in writing/emailed. Do not accept conversations as fact. If they fail to give you written confirmation of anything email them explaining the lack (put the ball always back in their court) and put in you diary any phone/conversations. Get the name and department of every person you speak to.

Cereal - yes, I have a solicitor, the best family law firm in our area, with a fantastic reputation and record of dealing with Social Services.

And I already do make notes of everything - SS visits, what they do, how long they stay, if they contact me what they say, that kind of thing.

At the moment, my main objective is making sure that my children stay with me. Once I'm sure that that will happen, then I intend to make some noise about all of this.

Do make that formal complaint after the court case is concluded. They shouldn't be able to behave like that. And do get counselling for yourself as I would think you would really benefit from talking all this through with a non judgemental professional.

You're right, absolutely I do need to talk about it with someone. I just feel that everything I do, have ever done I need to second guess. That my decision making ability is flawed.

The reason they got so worked up about the nappy rash is they worry it may be something else, an ST I. The suicide threat has nothing directly to do with sexual abuse, so to them is not that urgent. (Yes, I know )
Look at this campaign, it goes some way to explain what the problem is with SS- and please sign! www.seethechild.org

I understand that now - but at the time they had me on my own in a small room and we're almost shouting at me that I had to take her to A&E - if they had been reasonable and said 'You know what, proceedure has to be followed so we need her seen to rule out anything other than nappy rash' that would have been fine. I'm not an unreasonable person and I would have done what they asked willingly instead of feeling like if I didn't then they would take the kids, iygwim?

Oh my god, how is that even possible, how can they [SS] even think to try to slide the blame to you, you poor thing.

SS seem to hate mothers. And yes, I am speaking with the benefit of vast experience.

I don't think SS are necessarily trying to slide the blame onto the OP. What I suspect their concern is that the OP knew about his past behaviour and didn't safeguard her children from the danger he and his family posed to them. She knew something had happened but the H, his ex and his parents either minimised it or lied about it completely. It's not easy prove that you didn't know something, or just knew a bit but not the whole story. There are women out there who can't or won't accept that their closet family members pose a real and tangible danger to their children but I don't think the OP is one of them

That they haven't removed the children is a sign that they are minded to believe her side of events.

OP I may have missed it, but how did the sw know your baby had a nappy rash?

That's it, Bitter - SS say that I should have ended the relationship as soon as I found out that there was something amiss. And yes, I admit that with hindsight I should have done. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though, but it doesn't take into account the fact that everyone lied to me. I believed what I was told by all of them. I'd known these people for nearly fifteen years at that point, it never occoured to me that they would all lie to me. I know I've been stupid and nieve, and I will never forgive myself for that. I'm not sure if I will ever stop second guessing myself now, whenever I make a decision. I know I'll never trust anyone easily again. I swear if I'd known the true nature of his offence I would have walked away.

staywithme - The nappy rash was spotted at contact by a contact worker when H was changing her bum. They rang the SW and when I arrived to pick the children up after contact had finished they pounced on me.

Even SS said that he groomed you. That's not a good thing to know but I reckon it's the truth. You were young when you got together with him and likely didn't have the life-experience to anticipate what might happen. No-one with a normal well-balanced family-life would.

Honestly, I know it's easy to say and hard to do but I think you should stop trying to beat yourself up about it. You didn't know the truth of it. As soon as you were aware that your child had been abused you reported it. I know you're worried sick but I don't think you have anything to blame yourself for. If we all had a crystal-ball at our disposal most of us would have made different decisions about almost everything.

Can't even imagine what you are going through. Is your she allowed access to the children now?