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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did my husband rape me? So confused and ashamed to be asking

74 replies

bootwentytwo2 · 27/06/2014 20:29

I've never posted before, so hope I am doing it right. And hope it is ok too ask this question.

Is it always rape if you say no and they carry on? I can't believe I am actually going to type this. I had gone to bed to sleep and my husband was already in bed, asleep, or so thought. As soon as I got into bed it was clear he was no longer interested in sleep. I decided to go along with it for a bit to keep the peace. (He has in the past guilted me into sex by saing I obviously don't love him etc or ignored my polite attempts at saying no and removing his hands). I was hoping a quick kiss and a cuddle would satisfy him that I still loved him and found him attractive then I would be able to go to sleep. He suddenly started to climb on top of me and I began to panic as I am terrified of getting pregnant again as it is potentially dangerous for me as I was very unwell during my last pregnancy. I immediately said 'no' but he didn't respond so I asked him to get a condom. He still didn't react so I started to say 'no, please, no...' By now he was on top of me and as I was still saying this he pushed my legs apart and started to have sex with me. I immediately fell silent as I was in complete shock. I never imagined he would ever carry on if I had said 'no'. But because I thought he would stop I didn't try to push him off me, i thought 'no' was enough.

I am very ashamed of this next part. He didn't finish, he pulled out and then one of us got a condom and be then continued till he had finished. It may well have been me that got the condom. I was in a state of shock and confusion and thought it just didn't matter anymore as he had done the one thing I didn't want him to do. I don't remember that part so clearly. I didn't understand what had just happened and I guess I still don't. Did he rape me? Or is it not a big deal and I should just forget about it?

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 27/06/2014 20:32

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry for you. It was rape and a very big deal :( the one thing it wasn't is your fault. No means no.

What do you want to do?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 27/06/2014 20:32

I'm sorry. In my view he did rape you, and it is a big deal. How do you feel about the incident?

katandkits · 27/06/2014 20:34

It is a massive big deal, he did rape you, you need to be considering leaving him now as he clearly has no respect for your wishes and no regard for your health. You should not put up with any sex you don't want to have.

Homebird8 · 27/06/2014 20:34

Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry. What a dreadful experience. Are you somewhere safe now?

It is clear to me that you have been raped, and by someone you trusted too. My heart is breaking for you. It really doesn't matter about the condom or who got it. You were trying to make yourself as safe as possible as a survival strategy during a rape.

Please make sure you are somewhere safe.

DustBunnyFarmer · 27/06/2014 20:35

I see lem has answered on the rape question (yes). I'm sorry you had ghis happen to you. If an unplanned pregnancy is dangerous for you, you need emergency contraception (" morning after pill") within 72 hours as there can be sperm in pre-ejaculate.

magoria · 27/06/2014 20:37

It is a massively big deal.

He ignored your rights to control who penetrates your body and raped you.

He knows you fears about getting pregnant and still took a risk as sperm leak before ejaculation. If it was very recent can you go an get the MAP asap.

What he has done is unforgivable. He could do it again tonight, tomorrow, the day after.

Your relationship will never recover from this in my opinion.

defineme · 27/06/2014 20:37

Yes it was-so sorry that it happened. What do you want to do?

Redglitter · 27/06/2014 20:38

You said no he didn't stop. That's rape.

Do you have someone you can talk to or stay with

MisForMumNotMaid · 27/06/2014 20:41

Please don't feel bad that you didn't fight, didn't physically force him away, didn't scream. Its shock and survival instinct.

As preciously posted get the morning after pill if you're in the mainland UK its available over the counter at pharmacies or free on prescription if you can get a Saturday appointment (i think NI might be different though).

BarbarianMum · 27/06/2014 20:44

It was rape. Sad I am so sorry this happened to you.

If there is no-one in real life you can talk to Women's Aid or RapeCrisis 0808 802 9999 (free phone, lines open til 9.30pm every night) will have people you can speak to.

Joysmum · 27/06/2014 20:47

It was rape.

An ex partner did the same to me and it's only in recent years I've stopped trying to justify it in my own head as demonstrative of how much he loved and fancied me Sad

picnicbasketcase · 27/06/2014 20:49

You said no, repeatedly. It doesn't matter what came before or after. You did not consent, therefore it was rape. Sad

Hissy · 27/06/2014 20:56

I too agree that this was rape. I'm so sorry.

Have you got anyone to support you in RL?

Original poster
bootwentytwo2 · 27/06/2014 21:06

Thank you so much for all the replies. This happened a while ago, but it took me a while to acknowledge that anything had happened out of the ordinary. I convinced myself it was just a normal part of a relationship. I have come very close to asking him to leave, but haven't because of the children. I have been in therapy for a year now and I had just fit to the point of being able to acknowledge in my head what happened, but recently I have been struggling again. He did after a few months admit what he had done. He was the first person to call it rape, but recently he has changed his mind and now I'm back to feeling confused.

My therapist also said (or I think she did) that he also raped me a couple of months later when I was too scared to say no, so I went along with it to keep the peace again. He had been drinking and was behaving quite irrationally and I felt intimidated and also threatened by something he said.

That was now over a year ago too and nothing like it has happened since, so can I assume it will never happen again? Does that make it ok? It is decision time - do we try to put our relationship back together or do we walk away. He is very good at rationalising everything. He has also been verbally/emotionally abusive but is trying hard (I think) and we are seeing a therapist together. But the last 'event' happened about 3 weeks ago. How do I know if he can change? Am I kidding myself that we can fix this?

OP posts:
tribpot · 27/06/2014 21:09

Would you be able to speak to Rape Crisis? I think they would be able to put your mind at rest, particularly about the fact that he stopped and one of you got a condom. I could see how that could have happened if it had not been your DH raping you, to prevent even worse damage being done to you - your choices were being raped with a condom on and being raped without a condom on. The choice of not being raped was not yours to make.

I'm very sorry this happened to you. Please don't try and shut it away in your mind.

eddielizzard · 27/06/2014 21:11

doesn't sound to me like he's trying that hard to change if the last episode was only 3 weeks ago. this sounds like an abusive relationship and the sooner you're out the better.

i hope you have rl support. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

Scarletohello · 27/06/2014 21:16

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like you may be in quite an abusive relationship. I don't want to upset you more but would you be able to tell us a bit more about what your relationship is like so hopefully we can help you.. Hugs to you.

BarbarianMum · 27/06/2014 21:19

I think being repeatedly raped by your partner would be an incredibly difficult thing to get past in a relationship.

Sometimes it's good to try and make things work, in other circumstances it is absolutely fine not to even want to try.

MisForMumNotMaid · 27/06/2014 21:28

'He is very good at rationalising everything'

Is it really rationalising or is it minimising and even victim blaming?

Is there anyway you could get some space from him, just you and the DC so you could breathe and regain your emotional strength for your path forwards?

tipsytrifle · 27/06/2014 21:33

precisely what eddielizard said ....

Don't feel bad about getting the condom to finish it ... you did a rational thing to minimise the risk of getting pregnant in the inevitability that this this was going to continue ...

He is a vile rapist.

YellowTulips · 27/06/2014 21:33

So sorry OP. I think you knew the answer to your question before you posted and just needed others to confirm that sadly yes, he raped you.

No always means no. Whenever, wherever and whoever.

Please don't beat yourself up about the condom. In shock as you were - if you did get it - was probably an unconscious act of self preservation as per position on a possible pregnancy.

So what next?

Do you have any real life support? Please don't feel ashamed about telling a close member of family or friend.

I think if you feel able you need to speak to your partner and ask him to move out whilst you take some time to come to terms with what he did. You don't need to make any decisions beyond this. One step at a time Thanks

Original poster
bootwentytwo2 · 27/06/2014 21:36

He has only raped me once, twice if you count the other incident. Not that I'm trying to make excuses for him.

I'm not sure I can trust him again. I want to, I wish I could make it all go away. But I'm afraid it will always be there at the back of my mind.

Not really sure where to start with describing our relationship. It has got very complicated. I realise now that he has slowly chipped away at me, he says he is very sorry and i believe that he is. But will it always be a part of him? That is my worry. He is driven by his insecurities and paranoia, not all the time, but it can come out of nowhere. His need for reassurance takes over. And that has, at times, frightened me. Like the second incident when I was too scared/intimidated to say no.

He is a wonderful father and he adores the children and they adore him. He is also very generous and at times cannot do enough for me. Though that is often after an episode has occurred.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 27/06/2014 21:47

A wonderful father doesn't rape the mother of his kids or undermine her self esteem.

Read your posts and pretend it was someone else. What would you say to her?

Original poster
bootwentytwo2 · 27/06/2014 22:01

I think I know what I would say to someone else, but sometimes it's not easy to follow your own advice! And I am terrified of making the wrong decision for the children. I don't want to tear their world apart. I don't think they are aware of too much, I'm sure they are aware of something going on though.

Is it possible to learn to trust someone again? Assuming all the abusive behaviour stops that is.

OP posts:
avocadoaddict · 27/06/2014 22:05

He has only raped me once, twice if you count the other incident.

ONLY once? That's once too many! No one deserves to live like that sweetheart. The wrong decision for your children will be for them to grow up in a home where the father rapes the mother.

I can't see how he will ever change after what he has done. Will you ever be able to trust him again?

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