Did my husband rape me? So confused and ashamed to be asking

[bootwentytwo2]

I've never posted before, so hope I am doing it right. And hope it is ok too ask this question.

Is it always rape if you say no and they carry on? I can't believe I am actually going to type this. I had gone to bed to sleep and my husband was already in bed, asleep, or so thought. As soon as I got into bed it was clear he was no longer interested in sleep. I decided to go along with it for a bit to keep the peace. (He has in the past guilted me into sex by saing I obviously don't love him etc or ignored my polite attempts at saying no and removing his hands). I was hoping a quick kiss and a cuddle would satisfy him that I still loved him and found him attractive then I would be able to go to sleep. He suddenly started to climb on top of me and I began to panic as I am terrified of getting pregnant again as it is potentially dangerous for me as I was very unwell during my last pregnancy. I immediately said 'no' but he didn't respond so I asked him to get a condom. He still didn't react so I started to say 'no, please, no...' By now he was on top of me and as I was still saying this he pushed my legs apart and started to have sex with me. I immediately fell silent as I was in complete shock. I never imagined he would ever carry on if I had said 'no'. But because I thought he would stop I didn't try to push him off me, i thought 'no' was enough.

I am very ashamed of this next part. He didn't finish, he pulled out and then one of us got a condom and be then continued till he had finished. It may well have been me that got the condom. I was in a state of shock and confusion and thought it just didn't matter anymore as he had done the one thing I didn't want him to do. I don't remember that part so clearly. I didn't understand what had just happened and I guess I still don't. Did he rape me? Or is it not a big deal and I should just forget about it?

Re him saying it's a misunderstanding - that right there is him trying to manipulate you again. He trying to remove your boundaries. You say "no means no, it was rape", he says oh no I'd never do that to you, it was a misunderstanding. If you agree to

i don't see how there was a misunderstanding.

and how many times in the last 15 months have you had sex with him to appease? how many times because you actually wanted to?

The last specific incident may have been 15 months ago but it still matters because it's still bothering you and you're still unhappy. There is no misunderstanding the word 'no' but he will have rationalised it away in his own sick mind as such. Being coerced into sex ('guilt-tripped') is just as bad but you're now in that part of the abuse cycle where you're wondering.. 'is it such a big deal?' Never mistake the temporary cessation of abuse for kindness. That's how they keep you trapped.

Yes, both of those incidents still bother me a great deal. But I haven't let him touch me in months and he hasn't forced anything. So I'm hoping that means he won't do it again, but even so I worry it will always be at the back of my mind. Surely if he was a 'rapist' it would have happened again? I feel Guilty that I can't move past it, surely it should be ok by now?

I'm really sorry I'm still asking questions.

He claims it was a misunderstanding. Can it ever be a misunderstanding?

He should have been sure you really wanted to have sex with him. His misunderstanding means he wasn't sure. Being not sure means no consent. No consent means rape.

There is no way you could misunderstand saying 'no' and enduring a rape anyway.

You don't trust him and you are right not too. He has violated you and you are now right to trust your deep instincts about him. Please don't try and convince yourself that you are not rational to feel like this.

I think that the fact that he has not forced you again does not mean that he did not take advantage of you before. He went ahead despite the fact you clearly said no. He has not admitted that what he did was terribly wrong. That is why you don't trust him. He denies something that happened.

It will never "be ok" for several reasons. Mainly because it's not like he just didn't do the dishes, or forgot your birthday, he raped you. That's not something you just get over. It's a huge breach of trust. It's a violation of you sexually, emotionally, and physically.

He IS a rapist. Just like a murderer, it's just the once that's needed to give someone that "title". It's not something he has to do multiple times to be considered one. He's raped you twice. Once more (and I'm not convinced by your OP it's just the twice, guilting you is coercion and could be considered rape as well) and he'll be "granted" the title of serial rapist.

You have NOTHING to be guilty about. You're living with your rapist. You'll continue to be unsure of yourself until you're away from him.

He cannot claim it was a misunderstanding. You told him no. Your op says:

" I had gone to bed to sleep and my husband was already in bed, asleep, or so thought. As soon as I got into bed it was clear he was no longer interested in sleep. I decided to go along with it for a bit to keep the peace. (He has in the past guilted me into sex by saing I obviously don't love him etc or ignored my polite attempts at saying no and removing his hands). I was hoping a quick kiss and a cuddle would satisfy him that I still loved him and found him attractive then I would be able to go to sleep. He suddenly started to climb on top of me and I began to panic as I am terrified of getting pregnant again as it is potentially dangerous for me as I was very unwell during my last pregnancy. I immediately said 'no' but he didn't respond so I asked him to get a condom. He still didn't react so I started to say 'no, please, no...' By now he was on top of me and as I was still saying this he pushed my legs apart and started to have sex with me. I immediately fell silent as I was in complete shock. I never imagined he would ever carry on if I had said 'no'. But because I thought he would stop I didn't try to push him off me, i thought 'no' was enough.

I am very ashamed of this next part. He didn't finish, he pulled out and then one of us got a condom and be then continued till he had finished."

Guilting you after you said no is coercion. It's still not consent. You paniced. You said "no please no" and he continued. There is no confusion. Stay strong in this belief: HE RAPED YOU, he didn't misunderstand, he used you. He betrayed you. He does not deserve you or your protection.

Don't for one second believe that "if" you were the one that got the condom that you were complicit. You were protecting yourself. You were scared. You were in shock. Enjoying it (if you did) also doesn't mean he was or is allowed to rape you or that you consented.

Please don't be ashamed of complying. Most people think that they would fight an attacker but you are actually much more likely to freeze or flop. People who say "she didn't fight him off, it wasn't rape" have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.

Yes OP, your husband raped you. What do you want to do ? There are several of us on here in the police and sadly all too many members that have been sexually assaulted or raped that are here to handhold and adivse you on your options x

He is also very generous and at times cannot do enough for me. Though that is often after an episode has occurred.

OP, this is a classic abuser strategy. Hit them, make nice for a bit so they think you're sorry and will change. Then do it all again, chip away a bit more at their confidence. Repeat cycle again and again until she is a shell of her former self and has no confidence to leave. Job done.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life going to bed each night next to him, wondering if that night will be the one when he will do it again?

^ says it all - you should feel completely safe and secure, respected and cherished, not unsure or fearful. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Call one of the numbers that other posters have given. Good luck

" I feel Guilty that I can't move past it, surely it should be ok by now?"

If you had been assaulted by anyone other than your husband, how would you have responded? Would you voluntarily spend time with the person that assaulted you? Would you feel guilty that you hadn't simply got over the experience?

Basic survival instincts mean that, if you experience harm, you will a) learn from the experience and b) do anything to avoid a repeat. 'Once bitten, twice shy'. Trying to artificially overcome your fear and mistrust just because you are unlucky enough to be married to this man is what is causing you mental distress now. It's called 'cognitive dissonance' - trying to hold contradictory beliefs at the same time - and it is highly stressful and damaging.

There are people who can help you.

Thank you, I'm feeling much clearer about what's happened and trying to think sensibly about what I need to do. I was going to call Women's aid but then worried about it showing up on the phone bill. Can't find any information on that on their website. I will call phone company tomorrow and check. I've been putting it off as I feel like I would be wasting their time and because I feel like I would be betraying him somehow. But I have to find out where I stand if I ask him to leave. Hopefully they can point me in the right direction.

All your replies have been so helpful, thank you.

Why should you worry about it showing up on the phone bill, OP? (It won't if you're with BT but might if not - bill details here). You're supposedly rebuilding your relationship together but you are terrified even to make a phone call to talk about an acknowledged episode of sexual violence (or 'misunderstanding' as he is now calling it).

Can you see that you're still living in fear of him? Of more violence, of his (empty) threat to take the children from you? You aren't partners in a relationship, you're being abused.

OP

You are being very brave. This must be incredibly stressful. Wishing you all the very best.

boo i gasped when you said: I feel like I would be betraying him somehow

He has already betrayed you which, in my view, cancels out any contract that involves loyalty and keeping your misery hushed behind closed doors.

Please speak with Women's Aid asap and don't finish off the job he started of wrecking what's left of you. Your dc need you in better shape than this and you have a right to be yourself, unattacked and unpressured ...

I'm a man (the username gives that away), I'm married and this is rape.

There is no excuse at all for what he has done to you. Sadly some men seem to still regard rape within marriage as a non-issue, they are very wrong.

I don't get the whole "it's too late to say no" argument, it's never too late to control what happens to your body.

I really feel for you and can't offer a huge amount of advice other than if he has done this once (or twice) then he thinks it is acceptable and will never change his spots I'm afraid.

Calls to Womens Aid don't show up on the phone bill if it's any reassurance. You could also consider talking to Rape Crisis. Good luck

That's good to know about the phone bill and interesting to get a male perspective, thank you.

How are you op?

I haven't read the whole thread, but just wanted to say that, unfortunately OP, I can relate.

I was with someone for nearly 10 years and I would also be 'guilted' into having sex, just because I felt that I should and I didn't wanted him to feel constantly rejected. Now we've split up (2 years), I see things very differently. If it were the other way round for example, I would get no pleasure WHATSOEVER in having sex with someone, I knew didn't really want to have sex with me. It's not like I was just a good pretender, sometimes I would literally just say something like "go on then" and he would know I wasn't into it. Sometimes though, I wouldn't even say that. I did say no, on several occasions and whereas, it wasn't a violent act, it wasn't consensual. Your confusion, OP, as to whether or not it was rape, is exactly how what I was feeling.

I used to think to myself 'was it me?.....I eventually went a long with it after all (ie, didn't fight him off)......did I say no loud enough?...........is this just a normal way of having sex?..........do I just accept it?'

I look back and remember lots of things that should have been giant alarm bells ringing, but at the time, I just kind of felt it was normal. It didn't always go as far as him having sex with me. For example, I would wake up pretty much every morning with him slapping his bits on my ass and he would be fondling me, up there, down there, everywhere (sorry it that's tmi) If I wasn't in the mood (who would be, with that kind of approach?!) I would tell him to stop it and firmly, but hewould just completely ignore me and and carry on. After a while, he would just get up with a slightly amused look on his face at my anger and that would be that.

Anyway, I don't want to hijack your thread, but I did want to let you know that I completely understand and I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't have to anymore. As I say, I haven't read the whole thread, so I don't know your situation completely, regarding dc's etc, but you don't have to accept this.

Do you have friends and/or family you could talk to?

I’ve been raped by my husband for years and now I’m falling apart over it I shut it out for years but I can’t deal with it anymore I love my kids but he raped me and I got pregnant on one of them

Leoned I’m so sorry This is a really old thread, please start a new one and the lovely, wise people here will help you

No is a red line.

He's a rapist. He's also a sociopath, abusive and controlling. If he's checking phone records, he's a freak.

You are living in constant fear of being raped again or / and being threatened with losing your children.

Taking your own advice is HARD, but deep down inside, you know what you have to do.....

Take that first step.......

And ask him to leave.