domestic abuse? custody issues? blown out of propoprtion? Muddled!

[MavisDavis99]

Ok. Hard to know where to start....

History - previous abusive relationship, 11 year old son who lives with me and sees ex regularly
Current partner - 6 year relationship, ups and downs, arguments with mostly happy periods inbetween

Issue - rowed with my partner at weekend over division of chores. I am 6 months pregnant and suffering health problems with it. Partner only works 3 hours a day and resentment built up, him saying and feeling he does the chores and I should do more, me feeling actually he does very little and I need him to help by taking more on. I work part time but currently am signed off due to illness.

Arguing was awful, lots of blaming and no resolving (son was with his dad so didn't witness it) and partner said he was leaving me and walked out. I was so upset by the arguing that when he hadn't returned that night and my son was back, I went to bed and locked the doors, leaving the keys in the locks as I didn't want him coming back unpredictably in the night.

At 1am I was woken by him on the flat roof, letting himself in through my bedroom window, a scary event as I could hear noise of someone reaching through and opening the inside window but didn't at that point know it was him. He called me a "fucking stupid idiot" (for locking him out) and went downstairs.

I went down and asked what on earth he thought he was doing. He was swaying and red eyed and said something, which although not a threat, made me think he was mentally unbalanced. This was sufficient enough to scare me and I called the police, who removed him. They said he had a right to be in the house as it's his home and couldn't take his keys as technically he lives here. NB the house is solely owned by me and he only moved in a few months ago.

He came back the next day but I was so upset I couldn't sleep that night and tried to talk to him about how his behaviour had been unacceptable, but he was adamant that coming in through the window when locked out is acceptable and I had no reason to call the police.

His presence upset me so much that I asked him to leave the following day to give me space. He had been fine with my son and they were enjoying each other's company as usual, but I couldn't think straight and attempts to discuss the issue turned into blaming arguments again. He initially refused to leave and I asked my brother to back me up as it was making me feel ill having him here. He did leave eventually.

He has phoned me since, saying he is living rough as doesn't want to impose on friends or family and lost his job as a consequence. Homeless charity have said he has no housing priority, so will receive no help. He hasn't enough money to rent anywhere and wants to come back home.

My head is a mess. When I talk to him on the phone he seems reasonable and I want to believe we can sort things out. He also says he wants to come home. When I talk to friends I see their perspective that he can be controlling and could do a lot more to support me. I feel awful that he is homeless and don't know how he can get back on his feet with no address or income. But, I don't want to take him back and keep going round this spiral where everything's ok for a few weeks or months then an issue comes up and we are rowing again.

I find myself questioning - yes, he swore and was drunk (a rare event) and I was genuinely scared he was mentally unbalanced at the time, but, he didn't threaten or hurt me, so am I blowing this event out of proportion? In all likelihood, if I hadn't have confronted him as he came in he would have slept it off without incident.

I am so confused about whether to take him back and try again, but then risk having to go through this again. Or, to refuse, leaving him homeless, jobless, and losing the good parts of our relationship, leaving myself with an impending birth and no partner or father of my child, as I know I will struggle to manage on my own. Ultimately I want to believe we can make it work, but I just don't know if it's possible.

My other worries are - when the police came out they asked for details of my child and his father. Will they inform my ex there has been an incident? My ex was/is definitely abusive and has tried unsuccessfully to have my son removed from my care, so would try and say my son is at risk. Will Social Services automatically be informed? How do I stand on this? Will it just be considered a minor domestic disagreement as there was no threat or actual violence? I don't want to take my partner back and find I have put myself at risk of losing my eldest child.

So many issues and I don't know where to begin or how to move forward. Sorry for length of post!

[hellsbellsmelons]

I hope it goes well today.
Keep ignoring and keep strong.
I hope you had a lovely weekend with your friend.
I also hope you have managed to clear all his hoarded crap out of your house. Or at least made some progress?

[Butterflyspring]

I know the Freedom Programme will be invaluable no matter where you do it.

I hope your counselling goes well. I think you will find you are very strong, and without him putting you down at every opportunity you will find your freedom and confidence again. Keep on keeping on or sommat.

[MavisDavis99]

Thank you.

Has been great to see my friend after at least 2 years since the last time we were able to meet up and my house looks amazing.

Most of his stuff is out of the house, only a few bits and pieces in one cupboard and some books on the shelf. My accumulated boxes of stuff have been sorted into keep, charity and bin, my dad has taken away the bin/charity ones, and the rest are in the garage out of the way. So grateful to have support from family and friends as couldn't have managed any of it myself. Was gasping for breath again this morning after having to walk 3 metres to pick up the phone (please start working soon iron tablets!)

Must get round to starting Freedom as soon as I have written this. Have spent all day so far dealing with school as DC is anxious and sad (has v anxious personality, sensory difficulties, worries about their taster day and moving up to secondary school, plus sadness at suddenly losing my partner as was close to him and enjoyed playing online games with him after school).

Then I had a phone call from school saying my ex-husband (DCs father) has been on the phone to them, asking to speak to DC during school hours and claiming I have refused him phone contact at home and he has concerns about welfare. Absolute lies - he blocked my landline and mobile (in a temper after making a court application with nonsense allegations which were thrown out) and therefore DC couldn't contact him the last 2 times DC wanted to. When I asked him to unblock the phone so that DC could call when problems come up (DC refused to go down there one weekend but couldn't contact him to tell him) he threatened me with a non-molestation order if I tried to contact him again. FFS! Talk about 2 for the price of one!

Sorry, little rant there! Just getting it out my system.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well done on getting the house sorted.
You must feel almost, lighter now with that not hanging over you.
So glad your family and friends are being such a big help.

Yep, normally when you've had one abusive, cock of a partner, the next one isn't far away.

Start the Freedom Programme and let us know how you get on.
Have a good day.

[Butterflyspring]

oh he is so awful - how dare he call the school and tell such awful lies. I hope they told him to get lost.