domestic abuse? custody issues? blown out of propoprtion? Muddled!

[MavisDavis99]

Ok. Hard to know where to start....

History - previous abusive relationship, 11 year old son who lives with me and sees ex regularly
Current partner - 6 year relationship, ups and downs, arguments with mostly happy periods inbetween

Issue - rowed with my partner at weekend over division of chores. I am 6 months pregnant and suffering health problems with it. Partner only works 3 hours a day and resentment built up, him saying and feeling he does the chores and I should do more, me feeling actually he does very little and I need him to help by taking more on. I work part time but currently am signed off due to illness.

Arguing was awful, lots of blaming and no resolving (son was with his dad so didn't witness it) and partner said he was leaving me and walked out. I was so upset by the arguing that when he hadn't returned that night and my son was back, I went to bed and locked the doors, leaving the keys in the locks as I didn't want him coming back unpredictably in the night.

At 1am I was woken by him on the flat roof, letting himself in through my bedroom window, a scary event as I could hear noise of someone reaching through and opening the inside window but didn't at that point know it was him. He called me a "fucking stupid idiot" (for locking him out) and went downstairs.

I went down and asked what on earth he thought he was doing. He was swaying and red eyed and said something, which although not a threat, made me think he was mentally unbalanced. This was sufficient enough to scare me and I called the police, who removed him. They said he had a right to be in the house as it's his home and couldn't take his keys as technically he lives here. NB the house is solely owned by me and he only moved in a few months ago.

He came back the next day but I was so upset I couldn't sleep that night and tried to talk to him about how his behaviour had been unacceptable, but he was adamant that coming in through the window when locked out is acceptable and I had no reason to call the police.

His presence upset me so much that I asked him to leave the following day to give me space. He had been fine with my son and they were enjoying each other's company as usual, but I couldn't think straight and attempts to discuss the issue turned into blaming arguments again. He initially refused to leave and I asked my brother to back me up as it was making me feel ill having him here. He did leave eventually.

He has phoned me since, saying he is living rough as doesn't want to impose on friends or family and lost his job as a consequence. Homeless charity have said he has no housing priority, so will receive no help. He hasn't enough money to rent anywhere and wants to come back home.

My head is a mess. When I talk to him on the phone he seems reasonable and I want to believe we can sort things out. He also says he wants to come home. When I talk to friends I see their perspective that he can be controlling and could do a lot more to support me. I feel awful that he is homeless and don't know how he can get back on his feet with no address or income. But, I don't want to take him back and keep going round this spiral where everything's ok for a few weeks or months then an issue comes up and we are rowing again.

I find myself questioning - yes, he swore and was drunk (a rare event) and I was genuinely scared he was mentally unbalanced at the time, but, he didn't threaten or hurt me, so am I blowing this event out of proportion? In all likelihood, if I hadn't have confronted him as he came in he would have slept it off without incident.

I am so confused about whether to take him back and try again, but then risk having to go through this again. Or, to refuse, leaving him homeless, jobless, and losing the good parts of our relationship, leaving myself with an impending birth and no partner or father of my child, as I know I will struggle to manage on my own. Ultimately I want to believe we can make it work, but I just don't know if it's possible.

My other worries are - when the police came out they asked for details of my child and his father. Will they inform my ex there has been an incident? My ex was/is definitely abusive and has tried unsuccessfully to have my son removed from my care, so would try and say my son is at risk. Will Social Services automatically be informed? How do I stand on this? Will it just be considered a minor domestic disagreement as there was no threat or actual violence? I don't want to take my partner back and find I have put myself at risk of losing my eldest child.

So many issues and I don't know where to begin or how to move forward. Sorry for length of post!

Has your friend written on here on your behalf before?
If so, then do NOT even consider taking this violent, abusive man back into your home.

Please please enrole on the 'Freedom Programme' and please talk to Womens Aid. They can put into perspective for you just how abusive this cocklodging vile man is.

Don't even consider it.
Let him rot in hell. It's where he deserves to be!
Get in touch with your friend and tell her you are having a wobble and need some support.
Get your dad back round and have a nice chat with him.

If it's not you then please ignore the above.

Aha - x-posts - so it is you.
Please please NO NO NO!!!!
You deserve so much better.
The futher out of your life this hideous man is, the better for you and your DC!
I cannot stress enough how bad an idea it is for your to even be considering letting this man back into your life.
He will NEVER change. NEVER!

Bin this man. He will get worse, not better. He has chosen you, in the first place, because you were previously abused and therefore vulnerable and easier to control and bully.

Let him go and be homeless and drink/drug himself to death - it's his problem, not yours. And if he is drinking and taking drugs it will be a lot easier to cut him out of the baby's life as well.

Yes, Hellsbellsmelons and EllieQ, I think you have correctly connected my thread with hers.

He did argue about the cat poo on the floor and refused once. I cleaned it once when he had gone out to visit his friends for the night. He wanted the cats shut out of the house and didn't want a litter tray indoors. I felt that one of the cats had had an accident because it was ill or frightened (we have LOADS of toms regularly come through the garden and they used to come in the house and spray - grim! - til we put in a microchip cat flap).

It took him coming with me to midwife and vet and them both saying he had to do it, but in the end he did agree to having a tray indoors and cleaning it (it was used a couple of times afterwards and now just there for emergencies).

I know I shouldn't have had to argue and get vet/midwife to say on my behalf that he should do it, but the fact he did agree to in the end made me feel it had been resolved. Yes, a battle to get there but the last time we discussed it he said to just let him know if I noticed it had been used and he would empty it.

So how do I feel about this... annoyed and not listened to or helped initially, but then relieved when it had clicked with him and he was doing the right things in the end.

Yes, Butterflyspring, you are right, I do wonder if I minimise eg he didn't hit me and doesn't usually come home drunk, so I ask myself if I should forgive the one bad night. HE doesn't think I should have been scared of him and HE "knows" he would never hurt me, but at that time I didn't.

I couldn't get through to Woman's Aid, their lines are always busy and I all I have done so far today is write on here, I must get off the computer and get on with my day.

My friend is coming to stay with me this weekend and help me get the house straight (and maybe my head too) :)

My dad is also popping in every day helping out with jobs (the kitchen floor has never looked so clean and the recycling bin is no longer overflowing, which has given me a bit of a reality check about what is possible when a man gets on and helps out)

The gaslighting is a possbility - I feel so confused, it doesn't look to me like my partner has been doing the hoovering and cleaning, but I do doubt myself when he says he has.

Ok, time to eat and attend to poorly child off school. Thanks all.

You certainly are minimising here.
Don't forget, we've seen this from an outsiders point of view who knows you and what you have been through.

Has he cleared out all his crap?
Are the rooms still full of all his boxes and shit?
I do hope you've got rid of it all.

Do not justify having to take him back.
You've got him out and away, make sure you keep it that way.

The good will NEVER outweigh the bad.

Just because you were with an abuser who scores 10/10, doesn't mean one that scores 6/10 is OK to be with.
You do NOT need a man to define you. Find out who you are. Be yourself and not a man pleaser.
The only acceptable amount of abuse in any relationship is NONE!

You can contact WA via email and ask them to call you back.
You can also try to find a local number for them rather than using their national helpline number.

You can also do the Freedom Progamme on line.
That would be a good start for you.
You really need to see that this is not right.

You have been in abusive relationships for years and you can't see what it is because you don't know any different.

What ever you decide to do though, we are here to help and support you.

Another voice to add - please don't take him back. He quit half his hours by choice and still did sod all around the house.

If my DH was home for that amount of time on his own I would expect the house to be spotless. And vice versa. I bet your DS will be more help to you than the cocklodger. And not create half as much mess or stress.

Freedom Programme Online Free Course

Thanks. Having gone through the confusion and distress of this morning and reading all your posts I am feeling a little clearer.

I know it's not what he will want and it's not my ideal (but maybe unreasonable) scenario of us getting back together and working it all out, but I have had a quick look online (yes, I know I am being Mummy) and seen that there are rooms to rent locally who will take people on benefits and am currently thinking of suggesting to him that he take a room somewhere and from there we can go to Relate and see if mediation can help us resolve our circular arguments and get some sort of recognition about his behaviour and the changes I would like to see.

No guarantees either way but it should become evident about whether he can get back on track and we can work towards a future or whether he is resistant to what that involves. Should buy some time for us both to get space and work on ourselves (will sign up to online Freedom Programme) and he can get a decent job and demonstrate he's in a place to have a decent relationship at a distance, rather than me risking having him back straight away.

Yes, he won't like it, but he can choose to either show willing to work at the situation, in which case there is hope, or he can choose to walk away and not bother, in which case I will know I have done the right thing.

You should never ever go to any kind of counselling with an abuser.
Please read up on that.
It will not help you at all.
You do however, need counselling on your own.
Do not contact this vile creature.

Just let him get on with his life and you get on with yours.
Once again - Counselling does not work in abusive relationships!

And once again - FREEDOM PROGRAMME - NOW!

The thing is, it shouldn't have been a battle to get to the point where he accepted he needed to do the litter tray. Even before DH and I started TTC, I knew that cat faeces was dangerous to pregnant women, and when I commented to DH that he'd be on litter tray duty if I got pregnant, he accepted it. Even if your 'D'P didn't believe you, a quick google would have shown otherwise.

Such a small issue and you had to battle to get him to do it - what happens when you need to discuss something significant?

(BTW, the litter tray issue is on my mind as my DH has been away this week so I've had to do it all. I am not a crazy cat lady or anything!)

ps: no, he hasn't taken his stuff. Not much room under a park bench for it, I suspect.

My dad is coming over later to take apart the skate ramp he filled the garage with (!) and this weekend part of what my friend will be helping me with is gathering up his things and sticking them in there for now. Then at least if/when he turns up he won't be rooting through the house for hours on end.

Hellsbellsmelons: counselling for me booked for Monday. Freedom programme paid for.

Yes, EllieQ, my feelings too were that it shouldn't have been a battle.

I'm so pleased to see your update.
That is major progress.
Have a lovely weekend with your friend.
And I hope you get house back and clutter free very soon.

We are still here if things change and you need support.
But let us know how it all goes if you can.

PS - sorry I shouted earlier

Freedom Programme paid for - isn't it free?

It is if you do it on-line.
Not so sure if you attend the sessions?

The problem with this man is the sense of entitlement and expectation that you should be responsible for him, how old is he FFS. By checking out accommodation for him, you're just confirming his opinion that you are responsible for hum.

Not once has he acknowledged or apologised for his behaviour but instead threw out the magical 'Councelling' which no doubt you'll be expected to arrange and pay for. Please go to councelling and learn to identify and defend your boundaries because until you do, this man will walk all over you.

Why are you bothered about his accomodation needs. This will never end well. I think you're on the slippery slope to nowhere.

You don't need him. Don't feel sorry for him. He actually created this whole situation.

And if the police are called over a domestic incident and children are on the scene, then certainly in my last LA they put in a report to SS. That's the last thing you need.

Hi All

You know, I didn't even notice the "shouting" hellsbellsmelons!

I thought Freedom was free online too, I'm sure it was when I looked at it after leaving my husband, but now they want £10 for the online materials. Small price to pay if it helps, plus I can get on that now instead of waiting 3 months for the next group course, which is when baby is due, so may not be in fit physical state to attend.

Isetan, yes I know I have done more than I need to and I know that is because of my feelings of guilt and wanting to show him there is a way forward. I have cared about him for the last 6 years, it's hard to stop. Up to him what he does with the info though. He's not generally pro counselling, and it was me that suggested it. I was surprised that he agreed. Yes, I would have to foot the bill, unfortunately, but we'll see. It may not actually get that far once he realises he won't be coming home on Monday. My own individual session is on Monday. Only over the phone but that's the best I can get right now, there's a waiting list of a couple of months for face to face.

Quitelikely - I had a follow up call from domestic abuse services this afternoon. I asked them and they said the police wouldn't contact my ex. The police may contact social services, who would come out and see me first and they may contact my ex if they felt there was a risk. However, as there was no violence they might not think it necessary.

The woman I spoke to suggested I make up a rota of household responsibilities to go over with him. It kind of throws me that it doesn't seem a big deal to them, but I guess they are used to dealing with far worse abuse situations and violence. Plus I expect organisations like that aren't allowed to say anything that could be construed as influencing your decision, they are there to listen and offer advice on staying safe if needed. That's why it's interesting to get perspectives on here where you can say what you like.

the freedom programme is free on the link I posted isn't it? Or are they charging for the books - they send them to you in the post btw.

I think i've read your previous posts with an air of "why is she bothering with him?" kind of attitude. I respond intuitively to situations in relationships. I feel that you don't need this cocklodger in your life at all. You owe him nothing and in truth I don't get a huge sense of passionate destiny that only he could fulfill from you either ...

It just makes sense to let go before things get even worse.

It's hard to stop rescuing others but really, it has to be done. We really really cannot save another. Save yourself and your dc instead ... please

Butterflyspring - the charge is for the online book, they don't seem to send the paper copy any more.

My truly outstanding friend and dad did an enormous amount of work with me on the house this weekend. It is so telling to see how different life is with someone who you can actually work with and who pitches in and helps. Also, how much better the atmosphere is when people focus on a solution rather than berating you for being in that situation in the first place. My house looks like a home instead of a dirty warehouse/tip.

I did email him on Saturday morning, saying I didn't want him back in the house yet and suggested he find a room and a job and we both have some thinking space and that he would of course be a part of the baby's life. If those things went well I would have considered trying to work things through with relationship counselling (small hope, I know, and I have tried to take onboard people's comments that it's not possible with that sort of person, which a part of me has always suspected would be the case).

The response I got was for him to re-state that I was messed up, he was reasonable, that I wasn't afraid of him when I called the police, that I was aggressive (for unplugging the computer and throwing his shoes and a box of tools in the garden), contradictorily that he had said he was leaving me, yet I was "punishing" him by "casting him away from his home and family" (how have I cast him out if he was leaving me anyway?), that he doesn't want me to contact him again, and that his child will be better off never having met him (quite why this is if he believes he is the only one of us with any logic, reason or spirituality I don't know) but this will cause him "more pain than [I] can possibly imagine" (so why do it then?).

Laughably (perhaps I'm a little hysterical?) he described his state of mind when he broke in as having a "refreshed vision of putting up with [my] personality". Refreshed???? That would be a euphemism for pissed!

Anyway, it said it all in terms of there being no hope, although I expect what he is hoping is that I will back down now and beg him to come back and say I'm sorry and that I was unreasonable. I am so so tempted to respond, of course, to put him right and try to get through to him that I WAS afraid, that his behaviour WAS unacceptable, that it was HIM who said he was leaving me 3 days running before I actually asked him to go, that it is HIS choice to run away from his responsibilities and the chance to be a father to his unborn child. But we have been here before with other issues and I know that all I will get back is further reiteration that I am wrong and he is right (and righteous), that he "knows" I wasn't scared when I called the police. Still I am tempted to put it out there in case he find the capacity to reflect one day, rather than not respond, which he will take as confirmation that he is "right".

And still, unbelievably, a part of me just wants him to come home.

At least it makes it easier that he isn't calling me or turning up asking me to let him come back or saying he's sorry. That may make me fold, so the blame and threats to move faraway and never come back are in a sense a good thing. Had to explain to his parents today that I don't want him to come back. Felt such a cow, especially when they said he really does love me.

Freedom course part 1 tomorrow, plus counselling, plus dr appt (she heard what had happened from another dr and asked me to come in and see her). Maybe there's hope for me, if not for us!

For the love of god, don't get back with this guy, he's telling you that you're messed up, and he has to put up with you*?
The Bollocks.

What hissy said! !

If you do the Freedom Programme online at One Space you don't pay anything btw.

But yep - stay well away from him and go no contact. Is the only way.

Trying to be strong, looking forward to counselling session.

Ugh, I must just have googled Freedom instead of pressing your link, Butterflyspring. Brain wasn't working terribly well at the time.

Might write my reply but not send it, just to get it out of my system, then save it so it can act as a reminder of how I was feeling when I reflect back in the future.