My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

domestic abuse? custody issues? blown out of propoprtion? Muddled!

55 replies

MavisDavis99 · 27/06/2014 00:24

Ok. Hard to know where to start....

History - previous abusive relationship, 11 year old son who lives with me and sees ex regularly
Current partner - 6 year relationship, ups and downs, arguments with mostly happy periods inbetween

Issue - rowed with my partner at weekend over division of chores. I am 6 months pregnant and suffering health problems with it. Partner only works 3 hours a day and resentment built up, him saying and feeling he does the chores and I should do more, me feeling actually he does very little and I need him to help by taking more on. I work part time but currently am signed off due to illness.

Arguing was awful, lots of blaming and no resolving (son was with his dad so didn't witness it) and partner said he was leaving me and walked out. I was so upset by the arguing that when he hadn't returned that night and my son was back, I went to bed and locked the doors, leaving the keys in the locks as I didn't want him coming back unpredictably in the night.

At 1am I was woken by him on the flat roof, letting himself in through my bedroom window, a scary event as I could hear noise of someone reaching through and opening the inside window but didn't at that point know it was him. He called me a "fucking stupid idiot" (for locking him out) and went downstairs.

I went down and asked what on earth he thought he was doing. He was swaying and red eyed and said something, which although not a threat, made me think he was mentally unbalanced. This was sufficient enough to scare me and I called the police, who removed him. They said he had a right to be in the house as it's his home and couldn't take his keys as technically he lives here. NB the house is solely owned by me and he only moved in a few months ago.

He came back the next day but I was so upset I couldn't sleep that night and tried to talk to him about how his behaviour had been unacceptable, but he was adamant that coming in through the window when locked out is acceptable and I had no reason to call the police.

His presence upset me so much that I asked him to leave the following day to give me space. He had been fine with my son and they were enjoying each other's company as usual, but I couldn't think straight and attempts to discuss the issue turned into blaming arguments again. He initially refused to leave and I asked my brother to back me up as it was making me feel ill having him here. He did leave eventually.

He has phoned me since, saying he is living rough as doesn't want to impose on friends or family and lost his job as a consequence. Homeless charity have said he has no housing priority, so will receive no help. He hasn't enough money to rent anywhere and wants to come back home.

My head is a mess. When I talk to him on the phone he seems reasonable and I want to believe we can sort things out. He also says he wants to come home. When I talk to friends I see their perspective that he can be controlling and could do a lot more to support me. I feel awful that he is homeless and don't know how he can get back on his feet with no address or income. But, I don't want to take him back and keep going round this spiral where everything's ok for a few weeks or months then an issue comes up and we are rowing again.

I find myself questioning - yes, he swore and was drunk (a rare event) and I was genuinely scared he was mentally unbalanced at the time, but, he didn't threaten or hurt me, so am I blowing this event out of proportion? In all likelihood, if I hadn't have confronted him as he came in he would have slept it off without incident.

I am so confused about whether to take him back and try again, but then risk having to go through this again. Or, to refuse, leaving him homeless, jobless, and losing the good parts of our relationship, leaving myself with an impending birth and no partner or father of my child, as I know I will struggle to manage on my own. Ultimately I want to believe we can make it work, but I just don't know if it's possible.

My other worries are - when the police came out they asked for details of my child and his father. Will they inform my ex there has been an incident? My ex was/is definitely abusive and has tried unsuccessfully to have my son removed from my care, so would try and say my son is at risk. Will Social Services automatically be informed? How do I stand on this? Will it just be considered a minor domestic disagreement as there was no threat or actual violence? I don't want to take my partner back and find I have put myself at risk of losing my eldest child.

So many issues and I don't know where to begin or how to move forward. Sorry for length of post!

OP posts:
Report
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Butterflyspring · 30/06/2014 14:26

oh he is so awful - how dare he call the school and tell such awful lies. I hope they told him to get lost.

Report
hellsbellsmelons · 30/06/2014 12:41

Well done on getting the house sorted.
You must feel almost, lighter now with that not hanging over you.
So glad your family and friends are being such a big help.

Yep, normally when you've had one abusive, cock of a partner, the next one isn't far away.

Start the Freedom Programme and let us know how you get on.
Have a good day.

Report
MavisDavis99 · 30/06/2014 12:26

Thank you.

Has been great to see my friend after at least 2 years since the last time we were able to meet up and my house looks amazing.

Most of his stuff is out of the house, only a few bits and pieces in one cupboard and some books on the shelf. My accumulated boxes of stuff have been sorted into keep, charity and bin, my dad has taken away the bin/charity ones, and the rest are in the garage out of the way. So grateful to have support from family and friends as couldn't have managed any of it myself. Was gasping for breath again this morning after having to walk 3 metres to pick up the phone (please start working soon iron tablets!)

Must get round to starting Freedom as soon as I have written this. Have spent all day so far dealing with school as DC is anxious and sad (has v anxious personality, sensory difficulties, worries about their taster day and moving up to secondary school, plus sadness at suddenly losing my partner as was close to him and enjoyed playing online games with him after school).

Then I had a phone call from school saying my ex-husband (DCs father) has been on the phone to them, asking to speak to DC during school hours and claiming I have refused him phone contact at home and he has concerns about welfare. Absolute lies - he blocked my landline and mobile (in a temper after making a court application with nonsense allegations which were thrown out) and therefore DC couldn't contact him the last 2 times DC wanted to. When I asked him to unblock the phone so that DC could call when problems come up (DC refused to go down there one weekend but couldn't contact him to tell him) he threatened me with a non-molestation order if I tried to contact him again. FFS! Talk about 2 for the price of one!

Sorry, little rant there! Just getting it out my system.

OP posts:
Report
Butterflyspring · 30/06/2014 09:48

I know the Freedom Programme will be invaluable no matter where you do it.

I hope your counselling goes well. I think you will find you are very strong, and without him putting you down at every opportunity you will find your freedom and confidence again. Keep on keeping on or sommat.

Report
hellsbellsmelons · 30/06/2014 09:41

I hope it goes well today.
Keep ignoring and keep strong.
I hope you had a lovely weekend with your friend.
I also hope you have managed to clear all his hoarded crap out of your house. Or at least made some progress?

Report
MavisDavis99 · 30/06/2014 09:20

Trying to be strong, looking forward to counselling session.

Ugh, I must just have googled Freedom instead of pressing your link, Butterflyspring. Brain wasn't working terribly well at the time.

Might write my reply but not send it, just to get it out of my system, then save it so it can act as a reminder of how I was feeling when I reflect back in the future.

OP posts:
Report
Butterflyspring · 30/06/2014 08:32

If you do the Freedom Programme online at One Space you don't pay anything btw.

But yep - stay well away from him and go no contact. Is the only way.

Report
petalsandstars · 30/06/2014 07:23

What hissy said! !

Report
Hissy · 29/06/2014 23:49

For the love of god, don't get back with this guy, he's telling you that you're messed up, and he has to put up with you*?
The Bollocks.

Report
MavisDavis99 · 29/06/2014 23:10

Butterflyspring - the charge is for the online book, they don't seem to send the paper copy any more.

My truly outstanding friend and dad did an enormous amount of work with me on the house this weekend. It is so telling to see how different life is with someone who you can actually work with and who pitches in and helps. Also, how much better the atmosphere is when people focus on a solution rather than berating you for being in that situation in the first place. My house looks like a home instead of a dirty warehouse/tip.

I did email him on Saturday morning, saying I didn't want him back in the house yet and suggested he find a room and a job and we both have some thinking space and that he would of course be a part of the baby's life. If those things went well I would have considered trying to work things through with relationship counselling (small hope, I know, and I have tried to take onboard people's comments that it's not possible with that sort of person, which a part of me has always suspected would be the case).

The response I got was for him to re-state that I was messed up, he was reasonable, that I wasn't afraid of him when I called the police, that I was aggressive (for unplugging the computer and throwing his shoes and a box of tools in the garden), contradictorily that he had said he was leaving me, yet I was "punishing" him by "casting him away from his home and family" (how have I cast him out if he was leaving me anyway?), that he doesn't want me to contact him again, and that his child will be better off never having met him (quite why this is if he believes he is the only one of us with any logic, reason or spirituality I don't know) but this will cause him "more pain than [I] can possibly imagine" (so why do it then?).

Laughably (perhaps I'm a little hysterical?) he described his state of mind when he broke in as having a "refreshed vision of putting up with [my] personality". Refreshed???? That would be a euphemism for pissed!

Anyway, it said it all in terms of there being no hope, although I expect what he is hoping is that I will back down now and beg him to come back and say I'm sorry and that I was unreasonable. I am so so tempted to respond, of course, to put him right and try to get through to him that I WAS afraid, that his behaviour WAS unacceptable, that it was HIM who said he was leaving me 3 days running before I actually asked him to go, that it is HIS choice to run away from his responsibilities and the chance to be a father to his unborn child. But we have been here before with other issues and I know that all I will get back is further reiteration that I am wrong and he is right (and righteous), that he "knows" I wasn't scared when I called the police. Still I am tempted to put it out there in case he find the capacity to reflect one day, rather than not respond, which he will take as confirmation that he is "right".

And still, unbelievably, a part of me just wants him to come home.

At least it makes it easier that he isn't calling me or turning up asking me to let him come back or saying he's sorry. That may make me fold, so the blame and threats to move faraway and never come back are in a sense a good thing. Had to explain to his parents today that I don't want him to come back. Felt such a cow, especially when they said he really does love me.

Freedom course part 1 tomorrow, plus counselling, plus dr appt (she heard what had happened from another dr and asked me to come in and see her). Maybe there's hope for me, if not for us!

OP posts:
Report
tipsytrifle · 27/06/2014 21:21

I think i've read your previous posts with an air of "why is she bothering with him?" kind of attitude. I respond intuitively to situations in relationships. I feel that you don't need this cocklodger in your life at all. You owe him nothing and in truth I don't get a huge sense of passionate destiny that only he could fulfill from you either ...

It just makes sense to let go before things get even worse.

It's hard to stop rescuing others but really, it has to be done. We really really cannot save another. Save yourself and your dc instead ... please

Report
Butterflyspring · 27/06/2014 18:09

the freedom programme is free on the link I posted isn't it? Or are they charging for the books - they send them to you in the post btw.

Report
MavisDavis99 · 27/06/2014 18:06

Hi All

You know, I didn't even notice the "shouting" hellsbellsmelons!

I thought Freedom was free online too, I'm sure it was when I looked at it after leaving my husband, but now they want £10 for the online materials. Small price to pay if it helps, plus I can get on that now instead of waiting 3 months for the next group course, which is when baby is due, so may not be in fit physical state to attend.

Isetan, yes I know I have done more than I need to and I know that is because of my feelings of guilt and wanting to show him there is a way forward. I have cared about him for the last 6 years, it's hard to stop. Up to him what he does with the info though. He's not generally pro counselling, and it was me that suggested it. I was surprised that he agreed. Yes, I would have to foot the bill, unfortunately, but we'll see. It may not actually get that far once he realises he won't be coming home on Monday. My own individual session is on Monday. Only over the phone but that's the best I can get right now, there's a waiting list of a couple of months for face to face.

Quitelikely - I had a follow up call from domestic abuse services this afternoon. I asked them and they said the police wouldn't contact my ex. The police may contact social services, who would come out and see me first and they may contact my ex if they felt there was a risk. However, as there was no violence they might not think it necessary.

The woman I spoke to suggested I make up a rota of household responsibilities to go over with him. It kind of throws me that it doesn't seem a big deal to them, but I guess they are used to dealing with far worse abuse situations and violence. Plus I expect organisations like that aren't allowed to say anything that could be construed as influencing your decision, they are there to listen and offer advice on staying safe if needed. That's why it's interesting to get perspectives on here where you can say what you like.

OP posts:
Report
Quitelikely · 27/06/2014 17:43

Why are you bothered about his accomodation needs. This will never end well. I think you're on the slippery slope to nowhere.

You don't need him. Don't feel sorry for him. He actually created this whole situation.

And if the police are called over a domestic incident and children are on the scene, then certainly in my last LA they put in a report to SS. That's the last thing you need.

Report
Isetan · 27/06/2014 17:27

The problem with this man is the sense of entitlement and expectation that you should be responsible for him, how old is he FFS. By checking out accommodation for him, you're just confirming his opinion that you are responsible for hum.

Not once has he acknowledged or apologised for his behaviour but instead threw out the magical 'Councelling' which no doubt you'll be expected to arrange and pay for. Please go to councelling and learn to identify and defend your boundaries because until you do, this man will walk all over you.

Report
hellsbellsmelons · 27/06/2014 16:54

It is if you do it on-line.
Not so sure if you attend the sessions?

Report
Butterflyspring · 27/06/2014 16:12

Freedom Programme paid for - isn't it free?

Report
hellsbellsmelons · 27/06/2014 15:26

I'm so pleased to see your update.
That is major progress.
Have a lovely weekend with your friend.
And I hope you get house back and clutter free very soon.

We are still here if things change and you need support.
But let us know how it all goes if you can.

PS - sorry I shouted earlier Wink

Report
MavisDavis99 · 27/06/2014 15:22

Hellsbellsmelons: counselling for me booked for Monday. Freedom programme paid for.

Yes, EllieQ, my feelings too were that it shouldn't have been a battle.

OP posts:
Report
MavisDavis99 · 27/06/2014 14:20

ps: no, he hasn't taken his stuff. Not much room under a park bench for it, I suspect.

My dad is coming over later to take apart the skate ramp he filled the garage with (!) and this weekend part of what my friend will be helping me with is gathering up his things and sticking them in there for now. Then at least if/when he turns up he won't be rooting through the house for hours on end.

OP posts:
Report
EllieQ · 27/06/2014 14:10

The thing is, it shouldn't have been a battle to get to the point where he accepted he needed to do the litter tray. Even before DH and I started TTC, I knew that cat faeces was dangerous to pregnant women, and when I commented to DH that he'd be on litter tray duty if I got pregnant, he accepted it. Even if your 'D'P didn't believe you, a quick google would have shown otherwise.

Such a small issue and you had to battle to get him to do it - what happens when you need to discuss something significant?

(BTW, the litter tray issue is on my mind as my DH has been away this week so I've had to do it all. I am not a crazy cat lady or anything!)

Report
hellsbellsmelons · 27/06/2014 13:58

You should never ever go to any kind of counselling with an abuser.
Please read up on that.
It will not help you at all.
You do however, need counselling on your own.
Do not contact this vile creature.
Just let him get on with his life and you get on with yours.
Once again - Counselling does not work in abusive relationships!

And once again - FREEDOM PROGRAMME - NOW!

Report
MavisDavis99 · 27/06/2014 13:54

Thanks. Having gone through the confusion and distress of this morning and reading all your posts I am feeling a little clearer.

I know it's not what he will want and it's not my ideal (but maybe unreasonable) scenario of us getting back together and working it all out, but I have had a quick look online (yes, I know I am being Mummy) and seen that there are rooms to rent locally who will take people on benefits and am currently thinking of suggesting to him that he take a room somewhere and from there we can go to Relate and see if mediation can help us resolve our circular arguments and get some sort of recognition about his behaviour and the changes I would like to see.

No guarantees either way but it should become evident about whether he can get back on track and we can work towards a future or whether he is resistant to what that involves. Should buy some time for us both to get space and work on ourselves (will sign up to online Freedom Programme) and he can get a decent job and demonstrate he's in a place to have a decent relationship at a distance, rather than me risking having him back straight away.

Yes, he won't like it, but he can choose to either show willing to work at the situation, in which case there is hope, or he can choose to walk away and not bother, in which case I will know I have done the right thing.

OP posts:
Report
Butterflyspring · 27/06/2014 12:55
Report
petalsandstars · 27/06/2014 12:54

Another voice to add - please don't take him back. He quit half his hours by choice and still did sod all around the house.

If my DH was home for that amount of time on his own I would expect the house to be spotless. And vice versa. I bet your DS will be more help to you than the cocklodger. And not create half as much mess or stress.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.