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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP refusing to talk to me saying 'I will not be dictated to'

94 replies

Perplexing · 23/06/2014 21:01

I pled (?sp) with him and begged him to talk to me.

I am off sick with depression and anxiety and have been on medication 4 days. I just wanted to talk to him about how I felt and get some comfort. He refused, saying whatever he says and does is wrong and 'I refuse to be dictated to' (his exact words) and repeated 'I am not talking to you'.

I said the only thing wrong is that you're not talking to me - please, please talk (crying by this point), and he again refused saying I shout at and abuse him. I did shout out of frustration and as I was so upset, but the only 'abuse' was to call him selfish and cruel and that he never talks to me (all true).

Aibu to think that the most basic expectation of a relationship should be ability to talk and be listened to?

He then told ds (7) he could stay up until 9pm watching football and I said he couldn't. A row erupted and he has now driven off with ds saying ds was getting upset. I wish ds hadn't witnessed it but I feel so ill and all the pent up frustration came out. Now feel even worse about DS.

OP posts:
YouMakeMeHappy · 24/06/2014 12:37

I assume she is living in his house inthenorth if he is abusive, women's aid would advise her to leave. I doubt he will try to stop her.

I don't think he is trying his best either, because he doesn't love her. I do think he is trapped though. They would both be better off out of this relationship. But I don't think OP wants it to end.

I'm glad you managed to get away

InTheNorth123 · 24/06/2014 12:38

Yes YouMake, it is lot of stress for OP's partner. I can't find the post which says how long they've been together?

I can understand that OP's partner may be struggling, but that doesn't really explain his attitude to her going on medication. Or the storming off in a mood/ignoring her etc. surely if he wanted her to go, he'd try to speed up the process of her recovery.

InTheNorth123 · 24/06/2014 12:39

OP, do you have somewhere else to go to? I really would advise you to leave as well

YouMakeMeHappy · 24/06/2014 12:43

Well you've been in a similar situation, where your ex attempted suicide when you left.
OP self harms when her boyfriend doesn't do as she asks. Can't you see why he might be scared to leave, just as you were. Especially if it's his home.

In a previous thread she says they are a fairly recent couple

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/06/2014 13:01

In a previous thread she says they are a fairly recent couple

Okay, so you've stalked her history. Many of us haven't.

I still think you're off base on the blackmail accusations. And her OH is not acting very supportive from what she is saying. Even if he doesn't care about her, a little basic human compassion would be better than what he is doing right now. Speaking of basic human compassion, how about not accusing the OP of unfounded things like blackmail when she is in a vulnerable position? Hmm

InTheNorth123 · 24/06/2014 13:01

Yes YouMake, I can. Whenever I tried to break up with him he'd attempt it/threaten to attempt it. It is not nice to put up with, but I recognised that he was ill. It sounds like a bad relationship all round, but the point still remains that OP's partner tries to get her not to take medication/seek help. Those aren't really the actions of somebody who has had enough IME.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/06/2014 13:05

Well, if you're insisting on trawling old threads, read this one, and note that the OP's OH is clearly a shit.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1971681-To-wish-for-better-support-from-OH-than-to-be-told-to-stop-being-stupid-and-accept-what-I-have-taken-on

hellsbellsmelons · 24/06/2014 13:12

Please contact Womens Aid.
They can help you.
Contact CAB and see what you are entitled to in benefits, tax credits, housing etc....
You can get away from this awful man.
Womens aid is your first call!

ouryve · 24/06/2014 13:15

You know, if this relationship had any future, no matter how difficult he found you to deal with, he would be educating himself and trying to find out how he could best support you. Instead, he is actively shutting you off, arguing against you doing anything which could help with your illness (eg taking medication) and making grand protest gestures of his own by undermining your parenting of your DS (who I assume he hasn't even known for a year) and driving off with him when you disagree with him.

None if this is helpful and he is not giving off any signs that his relationship is good for you, in the long run.

Even if he was a reasonable man (which he does not appear to be by any stretch of the imagination) listening to someone going through a severe depressive episode is a hard one, especially when your partner seems to do more to talk themselves down deeper into the pit. Ex used to get home from work (when he could go into work, instead of staying in bed all day) and could ramble on for hours, expressing some extremely dysfunctional and paranoid thought patterns.

I'm not a therapist, but what I could do was
-offer practical suggestions where he was making a simple problem overly complicated
-reassure him that it as doubtful that his entire workplace was plotting against him
-try to encourage him to seek further help because his current treatment was obviously not keeping him stable and functioning

unfortunately, I also had to
-explain to him for what felt like the 100th time (for example) that I know that his younger brother got a bigger bedroom than him and that it's not helpful for him to dwell on supposed firstborn nonsense based on events 2 decades ago and that he really need to forgive and live for now
-explain that, no, I can't fix all his problems for him if only I xyz. he needs proper professional help (unlike you, he never did seek this beyond the ADs he'd been taking at the same dose for years)
-refuse to take his side when he berated and pleaded with his mother about completely trivial perceived sleights from his childhood. And deal with the fall out from that, how disappointing I was, etc.

I'm not going to suggest that you're the same as my ex, but this was a lot to deal with and we'd been together for some time. There was other stuff going on that had soured the relationship a long time previously, but I was still able to nod and offer perspective without completely dismissing his need to talk.

Your boyfriend, in a relationship so young that you should still be wanting to giggle like teenagers and jump each other's bones at all times of day, doesn't even want to listen to you. You really do need out, because living with this is going to make recovery even harder than it should be.

Twinklestein · 24/06/2014 13:17

He is controlling you financially, he is controlling your medication, this is an abusive dynamic, and he is simply adding to your problems. Please call WA.

ouryve · 24/06/2014 13:24

And reading the linked thread - he an abusive, controlling arsehole. Get rid.

You might have to sort out some benefits, but you would be so much better off in so many ways.

YouMakeMeHappy · 24/06/2014 14:07

Hells - I believe it is his house, so there is nothing stopping her leaving except her fear of being without him.

Ouryve - I think that is very good advice. I hope OP takes it for both their sakes. You sound like you were in incredibly patient with your ex.

IndiansInTheLobby · 24/06/2014 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

canweseethebunnies · 24/06/2014 15:55

Oh god, I have just read the first page of that other thread, and you need to leave! Honestly, everything else will be so much easier to deal with when you get out. Have you got anywhere to go?

YouMakeMeHappy · 24/06/2014 16:08

If she leaves she is homeless with a child, on top of being mentally I'll, so wouldn't they find her emergency accommodation and put her on the list for a council place?

I think she said earlier she doesn't have anyone else.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/06/2014 18:20

Of course YouMake you make it sound so simple. She can just pack up her child and her things, and walk out, even though it will make her immediately homeless with a child and dealing with clinical depression as well. Do you realise how difficult that can be? It's not just "oh well, off we go" you know. Hmm

If it was such a walk in the park, NOBODY would struggle with it. But they do.

Hmm
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/06/2014 18:26

there is nothing stopping her leaving except her fear of being without him

or a fear of being homeless
or a fear of not being able to get council housing of some sort
or a fear that SS might step in
or a fear that the stress of moving out might exacerbate her depression
or a fear that she will be place in council accommodation far away from her work/school/counsellor and so on
or a fear that she won't be able to provide food for her child
or a fear that her OH will kick off and cause more problems for her because she's left (some do, you know)

there's a lot she will most likely be worrying about. I think it's ridiculous to just dismiss that airily at "nothing stopping her"

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 24/06/2014 19:11

The OP Needs to contact Womans Aid if she can find the strength. They will help her move out, even if it's into a refuge. I can't imagine what the stress must be like living with this arsehole of a human being.

I can't help feeling that some of what seems like insurmountable problems are going to evaporate once she's free of him.

CharlotteCollins · 24/06/2014 22:54

Have you called Women's Aid, OP? And how has your day been?

Don't worry too much about replaying recent events in your mind. From within an abusive relationship it is virtually impossible to see clearly. That can come later - sign up for the Freedom Programme once you've left, and stay out of a relationship for a while. You can think it all through from a safe distance then.

Returning to now, you seem to have acknowledged that things would be better for you emotionally if you left him, which is a big step. That's something you can feel proud of. Don't worry if the certainty comes and goes - that's normal. Try and use the time you've got now while you're off work to talk to Women's Aid and dream some dreams. (While I was stuck in an abusive relationship, I used to look at benefit checker websites, figure out what I'd get if I were living apart from him and dream about how nice it would be to have some money of my own to make my own choices about. I might be quite unusual in that regard!)

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