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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP refusing to talk to me saying 'I will not be dictated to'

94 replies

Perplexing · 23/06/2014 21:01

I pled (?sp) with him and begged him to talk to me.

I am off sick with depression and anxiety and have been on medication 4 days. I just wanted to talk to him about how I felt and get some comfort. He refused, saying whatever he says and does is wrong and 'I refuse to be dictated to' (his exact words) and repeated 'I am not talking to you'.

I said the only thing wrong is that you're not talking to me - please, please talk (crying by this point), and he again refused saying I shout at and abuse him. I did shout out of frustration and as I was so upset, but the only 'abuse' was to call him selfish and cruel and that he never talks to me (all true).

Aibu to think that the most basic expectation of a relationship should be ability to talk and be listened to?

He then told ds (7) he could stay up until 9pm watching football and I said he couldn't. A row erupted and he has now driven off with ds saying ds was getting upset. I wish ds hadn't witnessed it but I feel so ill and all the pent up frustration came out. Now feel even worse about DS.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 24/06/2014 06:46

OP I have suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life.

I was referred to the then equivalent of CAMHS and went for a few sessions until my parents stopped taking me, I've been in and out of counselling and on and off anti depressants since I was 17. I'm now 39.

I've contemplating suicide, been unable to continue in the stressful career I trained for, unable to walk down the street without overwhelming feelings that I didn't deserve to occupy the space on the planet and feeling guilty, engaged in risky behaviour, been frustrated and overwhelmed with anger to the point where I thought I was losing my mind, desperately hoped for any sign of humanity from the people in my life who were suppsed to care for me...

The first 38 years of my life were like this. I've had psychological assessments; been referred for others I didn't attend (also been referred for an assessment for AS because the 'symptoms' quite often get misdiagnosed as depression in women)

But nothing worked.

Then...

2 years ago I cut my cruelly toxic mother out of my life. Then 18 months ago, my dad died and I discovered my husband was having an affair and kicked him out.

You'd think that these would have exacerbated to and added to my mental health problems, wouldn't you?

But in fact, the opposite was true. I had some good counselling for a few months to unpick a few things, and I'm now off the anti depressants and the happiest, most confident and have the best mental health I've ever enjoyed in my entire life.

Food for thought, eh..?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/06/2014 07:46

Perplexing Continue with the counselling by yourself, as it's important for you. He is obviously not going to be supportive, so you need to rally support around you in other forms. RL if there is anyone you can trust, here on MN, and your counsellor of course.

First of all - he doesn't get to choose whether or not you take meds for depression. Your illness, your choice. If you've been put on meds, then give them a chance to work. Do not allow him to talk you out of it. Rather than getting into an argument about it, I'd recommend you detach and ignore on this issue. It's not something he has ANY say in, so don't allow him to. He can talk until he's blue in the face, but unless he physically intervenes when you're taking the meds, just ignore him. (and if he physically intervenes, it's a whole different issue)

Secondly - if he's this way towards you, it's likely he is verbally/emotionally abusive towards your DC. Just be aware. He's obviously involving your DC in your arguments, so that alone is emotionally abusive and not good for your DC.

Third - Document everything. Somewhere safe where he cannot find it. Online, password protected, using stealth mode (incognito) when you're browsing online, and clear your online history. Very important. Abusive people can get really dangerous when they think someone under their control is slipping away from them and trying to be independent. The documentation serves a couple purposes - it will help you remember things if you end up separating and have to go to court for divorce, and it will prevent you falling for gaslighting as you will have the facts written down.

Do not beg him to interact with you. I know it's frustrating and painful to be shut out so completely, but he seems to be taking pleasure in creating mental anguish for you. Do not hand him this scenario to play with. He will only use it against you.

Make sure that you take your meds, continue your counselling, and take good care of yourself. The last thing you need is him attempting to use your depression against you regarding your DC if you separate. Continuing to do what you need to do to remain healthy will show that you are a stable and mentally competent adult, and capable of parenting your child.

I do think that quite a bit of your stress would eventually be alleviated if you did LTB. It's obviously your decision, but stop and think about what he adds to your life. It sounds like he adds much more negative interaction and stress than he adds positive. He is actively trying to negate your progress with your mental health (trying to discourage your meds) which is a huge issue. Remember, it's not just the blow ups that are going to be affecting you, it's going to be the long term daily stress of "what is he going to say about this?" and "what is he going to do next?" that will also wear you down. Separate, and this kind of stress will drop dramatically.

IndiansInTheLobby · 24/06/2014 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fragglewump · 24/06/2014 08:43

Op I have been in a similar situation. You will not change your muppet dh but you can change your reaction to him. Don't give him your emotions and power - keep them for yourself. You must be strong, you are a better parent for your ds than he is - it is vital you stay alive and get well for your son. You can do this - one day at a time. You don't have to leave now - wait until you are strong enough. Protect yourself from the pain he is causing you. I'm pretty sure that some of your depression is due to the total lack of support from your shitbag dh. Mental health can be very scary for anyone who has not experienced it and those selfish men without compassion handle it worst of all. You don't need him. Keep strong.

Perplexing · 24/06/2014 08:46

Thank you all. There's a lot of food for thought there. I really appreciate all your advice and support.

Indians, I am feeling exhausted and numb this morning. DP is at work today so at least I have a day in peace.

OP posts:
YouMakeMeHappy · 24/06/2014 08:56

It doesn't sound like he wants to be with you. Do you think that maybe he wants to leave but can't because you keep getting ill?

Screaming, crying, saying you want to die sounds awful for him too... It's behaviour you'd expect from a child not a partner. I know you aren't well, but it must be really awful for him being stuck with you, unable to leave incase you do something silly.

I don't think he is being nice to you at all. But I so feel for him, it must be incredibly stressful with all the begging and neediness. I don't think there is much of a relationship left.

Hope you get well soon.

bobbywash · 24/06/2014 09:04

Blimey, the negative tirades about OP's Dh on such a short post is horrific.

Depression and anxiety are really difficult for anyone to cope with, as a carer/DH also for the OP who knows that she is not as she would like to be. The only advice I can offer is do what is right for you, if that is going to Counselling on your own, then thats not a bad thing to do. If you can encourage him to come with and support you then do, if not leave it for the time being. I think it's unfair to blame anyone for whats going on in such a small snapshot of your life.

Perplexing · 24/06/2014 09:08

Yes I'm sure it is really awful for him 'being stuck with me'. I wish he would leave actually. Would you not cry if your partner refused to help or support or talk to you?

OP posts:
Perplexing · 24/06/2014 09:14

Following advice to look at the women's aid website, several of the definitions of 'are you in an abusive relationship' apply to me, not least him not wanting me to get medical help or take medication for my depression. I think he wants me to stay ill so he can use it against me.

OP posts:
YouMakeMeHappy · 24/06/2014 09:31

Hey, sorry I didn't mean to upset you. I wouldn't behave like you, no, but then you are mentally ill. It's not a character attack. I think it sounds like he wants to leave but can't, as he is your carer.

If he loves you/cares about you and you are hurting yourself, then he is stuck in an impossible situation, too scared to go, and it does sound like he is cracking under the pressure. He's also bound to be worried about leaving his son With you, so he doesn't have the option of just leaving.

I can't say if you are in an abusive relationship, but your illness might be clouding how you see things. I know that being a carer can sometimes be really difficult and the carer can end up treating the sick person in a way that they know isn't right, because they can't cope.

Does your partner have someone to talk to? There are services I think for carers.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/06/2014 09:53

Perplexing I don't buy that he is struggling with being a carer, and the whole "poor him" mentality that some people are pushing. A person that is struggling to cope with caring is not going to discourage you from taking your meds as that will simply make the carer's responsibilities more difficult. They might encourage you to go back to the doctor if your meds don't appear to be working, but not tell you that you shouldn't be taking anything. What possible purpose does it serve?? Certainly isn't helpful to you!

canweseethebunnies · 24/06/2014 10:04

Where did she say he was acting as her cater? Or did I miss that bit?

Sounds like he's barely willing to acknowledge there's a problem unless he can use it against the op to discredit and undermine her.

Reading between the lines, I would guess that your anxiety and depression results from your unhappiness in your relationship rather than the other way round.

YouMakeMeHappy · 24/06/2014 10:18

Sorry I've got the wrong end of the stick here. the man isn't her long term partner or father of her son, he is a newish boyfriend, my mistake.

In that case OP, my advice is to talk to him without crying/begging/self harming and say you've decided you want him to leave as it's not working. I think once he sees you are serious he will happily go.

Then you can concentrate on getting well, I don't think he is helping you, you sound very vulnerable and to be honest he sounds very worn out by it.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/06/2014 10:39

He just sounds like an abusive arse to me.

OP - if the Womens Aid website is helping you to see this man is abusive then that's a good start.
Could you call them to discuss your situation.
They may be able to offer you some good support and point in the direction of other services that can help.

Are you financially dependent on your 'D'P?

As you were abused as a child, it's not surprising you have got into another abusive relationship.

For your sanity and MH, I believe you'll be so much better away from this man!

YouMakeMeHappy · 24/06/2014 10:54

OP says he is pushing her to hurt herself by ignoring her. Doesn't that sound like blackmail? I don't think OP is thinking clearly because she is unwell, but I think it's obvious that this man wants out, but he is being blackmailed into staying. Perhaps he didn't want you to have the pills incase you overdosed?

Perplexing · 24/06/2014 11:07

Youmake, I know you didn't mean to upset me but I'm just feeling vulnerable. I would rather he left than stay and not support me.

He won't talk about stuff so I can't take anything forward, he us just 'here' but shutting down and not engaging. It's not blackmail, I said I wanted to talk as not talking made me feel really emotionally upset. I said I would feel better if he talked to me. He flatly refused to talk, or to listen, he pushed me away and told me to go away.

How is it blackmail to want to talk? I didn't say I would hurt myself if he didn't talk, but that was how it made me feel when he rejected me, so yes I did. I am sorry if people don't understand self harm. It is just a way to cope and it feels better to feel physical pain than emotional pain, for me anyway and it feels real, whereas the emotional pain can feel invisible. It us very hard to explain. I know I am a mess and feel totally worthless. I know I am mentally ill so won't be acting how you all think is normal. I want to get better. I don't enjoy being like this.

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 24/06/2014 11:39

YouMake You need to stop and think before you post. Hmm How on earth can you come to the conclusion that the OP is blackmailing him?? And if he was concerned about her overdosing, he could A- ask her or B- encourage her to speak to someone such as Samaritans or her GP. Instead he is shutting her out and telling her to go away and refusing to talk to her.

Someone who genuinely wanted her to improve and get well would encourage her to take her meds appropriately, encourage her to continue her counselling, and encourage her to talk if she felt like talking. And if they didn't feel that they could be that person that the OP could talk to, they'd be providing her with encouragement to talk to someone else (like the Samaritans or some other resource that is available).

Perplexing · 24/06/2014 11:48

Thanks Alice. I don't think youmake is trying to be unhelpful, she did apologise for upsetting me earlier.

And yes i admit dp might need 'support' too as it is probably difficult to live with someone who is depressed. Which is what I tried to offer him by asking him to call the Mind helpline - as he has no comprehension of what depression feels like, as do many people who have never experienced it.

OP posts:
YouMakeMeHappy · 24/06/2014 11:49

I know you want to get well, nobody would choose to feel like that I'm sure. But I think you are asking far too much from him. Am I right thinking you've been together for around a year?

Only you wow if he is abusive, or id you are blackmailing him by making him think you will hurt yourself if he doesn't do as you ask, it he is clearly saying that he doesn't want to speak to you.

I can't imagine how lonely you are, but if he isn't going to be there for you, you may as well find out now. I know you can't help the way you are behaving, but because of your illness it sounds like the relationship is no longer equal or healthy. You have become dependent on him for support and he is frightened of what will happen if he leaves you.

I honestly think you should let him go, it's going to be worse the longer you leave it and when he cracks and does a runner you will be even more desperate. Take control and finish it, or genuinely give him the option to go and mean it. Then at least you will know what's coming.

YouMakeMeHappy · 24/06/2014 11:51

Alice, are you serious? The poor bloke knows that she self harms if he doesn't do what she wants! That's emotional blackmail. I realise it's not intentional, but that is the position he is in.

YouMakeMeHappy · 24/06/2014 11:52

perplexing - I take it you both live in his house?

YouMakeMeHappy · 24/06/2014 11:55

And Alice, I'm not saying he is a brilliant boyfriend by any means. He's not up to it and obviously wants out. I agree he isn't being supportive, it's a hell of a lot to ask of someone don't you think? Especially someone you've not known all that long.

Perplexing · 24/06/2014 12:04

Thinking the very again, the real thing that is on my mind us that he kept saying 'I will not be dictated to' ... It was as if he was saying I will not talk to you now or 'not on your terms' - but last night was when I really needed to talk.

When/ if he does decide he wants to talk might not be the right time for me,.. I struggle with articulating how I am feeling sometimes, and o often feel very empty and numb. It's only when I am worked up or 'in a state' that all the feelings and words come out.

I was brought up in a very chaotic and violent home and my counsellor said I had to parent myself as best I could and I never learned how to express my emotions or feelings.

OP posts:
YouMakeMeHappy · 24/06/2014 12:27

Can you understand that you are putting a lot of pressure on someone you have not known very long? If you and your son are living in his house then he cannot just break up with you.

This stage of a relationship is the part where most people would still be hiding their flaws from each other.
He is having to put up with things that would test much more serious partnerships. Will you say how old you both are? Is your sons dad around? Or do you have parents you could stay with to give him a bit of space?

InTheNorth123 · 24/06/2014 12:33

Hi OP. I recently left my exP and DS's father. He was abusive towards me, but I made sure he was seeking counselling and seeing his GP before I split from him as he had MH issues. (Tried to kill himself after I left.) I disagree with the posters who are saying your P is trying his best. I doesn't really matter if you love somebody or if you desperately want to leave - part of being a human being is having a bit of compassion for others! I think your P is using your MH as a control tactic unfortunately. I think, in his mind, he has you where he wants you. It isn't in his interests to help you to get better. I can only echo what others have said about getting some advice from charities to help you see things clearly.
Good luck OP, I hope you're on the road to recovery now x Thanks