DP won't stop spending money and we're in debt

[NamechangePost14]

Don't really know where to start with this. Fell pregnant accidentally last year after being with DP 6 months, arranged to move in together and merge finances. Discovered he was £1400 in his overdraft and had £6000 of credit card debt. We worked really hard together to pay off his overdraft. I have no debt but was desperate to clear it in time for the arrival of our DS. Sold lots of things, had help from family members etc and miraculously managed to clear the overdraft, one of the credit cards completely and £2000 off the other credit card.
He keeps dipping in and out of the overdraft in his personal account but he told me he had it under control. Looked today and he's £1200 in his overdraft again. Through the week when he's working I know he buys lunches out despite me buying things in for the week, asking if he wants sandwiches etc. Instead he's buying fast food and Sainsbury's sandwiches, Starbucks, etc.
Before DS was born he bought an expensive DSLR camera on an Argos credit account (but now pay in 6 months) and promised me he was putting away so much each week to clear it all when the balance was due. The balance is now due and guess what, nothing saved to clear the balance. Last week he bought a small digital camera as 'the DSLR is too big to take on holidays and days out' and I found out he put it on a credit card.
We have 2 savings accounts but one is a mortgage fund (currently renting and will be for the foreseeable future) and one is an emergency fund for if the car breaks down/the washing machine breaks etc.
He proposed to me last summer and I found out today that my ring was put on a credit account with Very and that the payment will be due in August. His laptop broke last September (he's trying to start up his own business - another thing he keeps shovelling money into which we never see a return on) and instead of taking a small amount out of our savings and buying a new one, he decided he needed a top of the range one which was also put on the Very account (I didn't know about it at the time, he told me he'd put it on his credit card and would clear it on payday) so that's £600 needed in September.
We have a 5 month old and DP is up to his eyeballs in debt. He only makes the minimum payments on things so they never seem to clear. I just don't know what to do. I'm sat upstairs so angry. I don't see why I should deal with his debt but at the same time I don't want to leave him. :(

Forgot to add that DP earns a good wage but so much of our monthly outgoings go on credit card payments. The credit card that we cleared is also maxed out once again.

Could you separate finances and get him to pay into your account re: his contribution to mortgage/rent and bills?

Is any of it in your name or has your name on the account or is it all his name?

None of the credit cards/overdraft are in my name. We have a joint account in both our names but it's never in an overdraft.

He needs to change his attitude . Would he speak to Stepchange or CAB ? Would eh sit down and together draw up a spreadsheet of all monthly costs and income sources. Do you plan to go back to work , could you move somewhere smaller, cut up cards and prioritise debt . Are you sure he is covering the basics like rent/mortgage, council tax, utilities etc as those could easily become urgent if in arrears. Forget the new business idea for now, he, and in time you, will need to earn as much as possible securely to reduce the debt before he can think about that.

What happens when you speak to him about it?

Sounds just like my XH. I tried and tried but couldn't get him to be honest and sensible about money and it ground me down. After we split he met someone else and had a baby with her but carried on lying and spending, leaving her without money for nappies and finally leaving her for another woman.

I would seriously think about leaving tbh :(

The rent, council tax and household bills are all on direct debit from the joint account so they're never missed. Can't downsize as we recently moved into this house and it's incredibly cheap - we're paying less for a 3 bed semi with a garden than we were for a 2 bed flat with no garden. If we were to downsize we'd paying the same, if not more and our council tax is on the lowest band in this house.

I know you say you don't want to leave this guy but, if you stay with him, you'll never have two pennies to rub together and you'll always be looking over your shoulder waiting for the bailiffs. He's irresponsible, he's pissed the money you gave him up the proverbial wall and - worse - he's a LIAR. You don't know him at all, and if you hadn't got pregnant you'd have kicked this guy to the kerb a long time ago.

If you're still determined to keep him in your life then you must urgently do everything you can to separate your finances. Keep your own bank accounts, don't take out anything joint, don't bail him out by so much as a penny and certainly don't marry the idiot.

When I speak to him about it it's just constantly 'I'm going to sort it out, don't worry, I get paid on Friday' etc etc etc.

Partner was the same. As soon as I demanded seperate finances he became a lot more careful with his money.

Why don't you want to leave him?. You need to think about the reasons as to why you're currently thinking that.

Is this debt he has built up solely in his name?. This is indeed your future life here with this man if nothing changes re his attitude towards money. You will be totally spent emotionally as well as financially if this is not sorted out now. You will end up completely hating him if you are not starting to do so already because he is making a complete hash of things.

Whatever you decide, you must NOT bail him out financially or pay any of his debt. He has to bail his own self out and live within his means, not beyond them.

Does he really know how much he owes now?. That figure needs to be determined/ He and you may well find that this debt plus interest charges is going to be higher than he thinks it currently is. He must NOT bury his head in the sand and ignore this at all.

Is he now willing to talk to Stepchange; they are a debt charity and were formerly called the Consumer Credit Counselling Service.

He has to tackle this debt now before this really does become a mountain of gargantuan proportions. If he is both unwilling and unable to do that, you cannot afford to stay with such a person as he is then willing to drag you down with him. You cannot allow yourself to be dragged down.

'I'm going to sort it out.... ' etc is more lies. When you've rowed in your lot with a liar - even a charming one - you are all set for a life of mistrust and misery. He must have thought it was Christmas when you organised paying off his debts. He must also think you're a bloody fool to keep taking advantage of you and lying to your face.

OP: the last thing your DP should be doing is running his own business.

There are a number of questions you should ask him:
Is he happy being in debt?

Was he happier when it was almost all cleared?

Does he want to be debt free?

If so, would he be happy not to carry any credit or bank cards and just have a small amount of pocket money each week and have a packed lunch each day?

If he doesn't answer correctly then tell him you are leaving him.

It's unlikely to get better.

And as for he eventually getting a mortgage - that will not happen anytime soon if at all. His own credit rating is through the floor now and no mortgage provider worth their salt would take the risk on he being able to pay back the mortgage payments.

BTW do his parents have a similarly lax attitude to money; this sort of behaviour is often learnt from parents.

Your partner is a spendthrift. I don't think I could live with this but people do. He has to stop spending. There is simply not another solution. Unless he changes jobs and earns twice as much but he'd probably spend even more.

Attila yes his parents are currently on a DMP but have the full Sky tv package, eat takeaways all the time and are going out for meals every weekend, booking expensive holidays abroad

re Cogito's comments:-

"He must have thought it was Christmas when you organised paying off his debts. He must also think you're a bloody fool to keep taking advantage of you and lying to your face".

Exactly.

Enabling him as you have has only given you a false sense of control and has also prolonged the agonies for your own self. Stop giving him any more money!. It has not worked and will not work either; he has to see that there are indeed consequences for his actions. Cushioning the finances will not do that at all.

Honestly I would seriously consider walking away from him now, he is showing you what your future life with him will be like if you are fool enough to marry him as well. Does he want a flash, fancy wedding and honeymoon too?.

I think you should stop bailing him out, he doesn't need to take responsibility for anything if he knows you'll help pay off the debt.

Well there you go re his parents, they taught him such a crass attitude with regards to money. They are likely also living beyond their actual means. It all comes crashing down around their ears soon enough.

As for yourself I would seriously consider your own future within this because you are currently being dragged down by him.

Stop putting your money into a savings account shared with him. Don't pay off any more of his debts. For gods sake do not marry or get a mortgage with this man.

Make sure your money is safe in your account and what is yours is clearly yours when the baliffs finally turn up one day.

Has he told you that you are trying to control him? That you're obsessed with money? That he needs these things?

He will.

I've been here before and, long term, he's likely to drag you down with him. I think you have three realistic options.

1. take complete control of the finances. This will include having access to online banking and checking the post to make sure he hasn't opened any other bank accounts or applied for any other credit cards you don't know about. Look into debt counselling for people who people who cannot control their finances (not cheap). This is bloody hard work and causes all sorts of resentment and trust issues.

2. separate finances completely. Close the joint account so that your name is not attached to his. Get in touch with a debt charity to get advice on how to protect your assets (car, jewellery etc) when the bailiffs come knocking, as they undoubtedly will at some point in the future.

3. Accept that his attitude to money and debt is not going to change, that that there is a massive incompatibility between you and make your decision from there.

Not easy. Whichever direction you take will be horrible. But he's made it clear that he's not going to change, so you need to decide what you're willing to accept.

What happens if you ask to look at his bank statements? XH used to hide his. Mine and DH's are around. I've never felt the need to look but I could as could he.