DP won't stop spending money and we're in debt

[NamechangePost14]

Don't really know where to start with this. Fell pregnant accidentally last year after being with DP 6 months, arranged to move in together and merge finances. Discovered he was £1400 in his overdraft and had £6000 of credit card debt. We worked really hard together to pay off his overdraft. I have no debt but was desperate to clear it in time for the arrival of our DS. Sold lots of things, had help from family members etc and miraculously managed to clear the overdraft, one of the credit cards completely and £2000 off the other credit card.
He keeps dipping in and out of the overdraft in his personal account but he told me he had it under control. Looked today and he's £1200 in his overdraft again. Through the week when he's working I know he buys lunches out despite me buying things in for the week, asking if he wants sandwiches etc. Instead he's buying fast food and Sainsbury's sandwiches, Starbucks, etc.
Before DS was born he bought an expensive DSLR camera on an Argos credit account (but now pay in 6 months) and promised me he was putting away so much each week to clear it all when the balance was due. The balance is now due and guess what, nothing saved to clear the balance. Last week he bought a small digital camera as 'the DSLR is too big to take on holidays and days out' and I found out he put it on a credit card.
We have 2 savings accounts but one is a mortgage fund (currently renting and will be for the foreseeable future) and one is an emergency fund for if the car breaks down/the washing machine breaks etc.
He proposed to me last summer and I found out today that my ring was put on a credit account with Very and that the payment will be due in August. His laptop broke last September (he's trying to start up his own business - another thing he keeps shovelling money into which we never see a return on) and instead of taking a small amount out of our savings and buying a new one, he decided he needed a top of the range one which was also put on the Very account (I didn't know about it at the time, he told me he'd put it on his credit card and would clear it on payday) so that's £600 needed in September.
We have a 5 month old and DP is up to his eyeballs in debt. He only makes the minimum payments on things so they never seem to clear. I just don't know what to do. I'm sat upstairs so angry. I don't see why I should deal with his debt but at the same time I don't want to leave him. :(

Hope you're okay, OP. Sounds like you've had a lucky escape before things got worse!

I'm not in disagreement with removing valuable property from the house and changing the locks but I suspect that the OP has a (small) window of opportunity here - I doubt whether her DP really believes that she means it. They tend not to when they've had an easy ride for so many years.

Are you okay, OP? This quickly went from being a thread about you being fed up with him to one where you've split. Do you have friends and family around for support?

I think you need to get out of the mindset that his way of managing money is 'wrong' and yours is 'right'.

I wouldn't describe a few thousand as 'up to eyeballs in debt' if he is on a good salary and the bills are still being paid.

You don't like debt. That's fine.

But you seem to be incompatible.

The solutions are either one of you willingly changes or you both accept being uphappy with the current situation.

The question is: is it a deal breaker for you if he never changes? Does he know this?

Weatherall- debt is fine if you can manage it. .He is not managing it. At all. He's not putting money aside to make payments and is only making the bare minimum payments on everything. That is never okay.

Op you are well rid.

@Weatherall.... you're missing the point and this isn't about debt. It's about lies, disrespect, selfishness, exploitation. Someone with an ounce of integrity wouldn't expect their relatively new girlfriend and family to sell things in order to bail them out. An honest man wouldn't promise to do things when they have no intention of carrying them out. A responsible man wouldn't keep buying himself fancy gifts & coming back to the well for more hand-outs but would prioritise supporting their family.

I agree that they are incompatible... but then I'd hope that most people would be incompatible with a self-indulgent liar...

Particularly for a man with a good salary, and starting a family, I'd say that it is wrong indeed to be in debt. What if he loses his job? What if there is an unexpected bill?
The mind boggles as how this type of mind works.
He could have a nice egg nest and instead he's a liability.

I find it amusing that someone can tell another that it's fine not to like debt. Of course it's fine! In fact, it's desirable.

Being in debt only makes sense if he paid no interest and had savings. Or he had had unexpected bills. Otherwise it's reckless and a waste of money if he's paying interest on it.

Hello OP,

Sorry to hear about all your troubles but I bet in some ways you have slept easier since he left.

It seems to me that he isn't facing up to the realities of being a family and not a single person. Refusing to change more than one nappy a day - how pathetic!

I think the financial side will only make you increasingly unhappy. There are different approaches and attitudes to money, but in a relationship you need to be roughly on the same wavelength.

I would worry about his need for instant gratification and putting non essential luxuries into debts he cannot now repay. That's a childish view. And it is deep seated (he no doubt learnt it from his parents). This can be ok if you always have plenty of money but circumstances change, and if this is how you've learned to handle your money, you can get in big trouble.

I think you are right in thinking he will drag you down.

Do a lot of thinking about the future. Come from an angle that he will never change his approach to finances and what they will mean for you and your child.