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Relationships

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Original poster

To be little upset at dp

68 replies

Cookiechef · 21/06/2014 11:59

Me and dp have been together almost 4 years we have our ups and downs but mostly ups, we have a ds who's 3 with Austim.
Now for the problem dp has had 4 3-4 day trips with friends men and women. He's going away in September again for 3 days.
My best friend asked me to go away for 5 days with her and her other friend but dp says no, not enought money (yes there is) and no because of child care, I understand that one but what's got to me is now this friend is asking if i could go next year and dp says not unless I take ds.
I'm a stay at home mum as ds has to many appointments to juggle but is it really unfair for me to ask him to take some time off only for a few days so I can get some much needed alone time, I have only spent 1 night apart for ds in the last 3 months and it's hard work trying to supervise him 24:7, he's thinks when ds is in bed that's my alone time but ds doesn't always go to sleep.
I could give him the money to cover his time off work as I have it and he's entitled to 6 weeks of work a year, and he's only works from 7-12pm 5 nights a week so my only option is him being off work for a break.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 21/06/2014 12:04

Have you asked him outright how you can afford the time and money for his 4 trips and yet he can't see that you going away once is only fair.

MrsCosmopilite · 21/06/2014 12:06

Are the day trips your DP taking for work or for pleasure?

I don't see why you should give him money to cover time off work. You say that you have a child together, so surely he can look after your DS once in a while. He's been given a year's notice FFS, so just tell him you'll be going and that he can either make childcare arrangements (assuming your DS is okay with a babysitter) or he can stay home.

Jinsei · 21/06/2014 12:10

He is being utterly unreasonable. Why does he get to go away with friends while you don't?!

Original poster

Cookiechef · 21/06/2014 12:18

He can afford the time as he's the one taking it off for himself but can't take it off for me basically, just to add every Monday night he plays football with his friends then goes onto a quiz so it's 6 nights he's not hear and sometimes 7 if he takes overtime.
I don't mind him going away it just winds me up that I can't do it once as I've never have a holiday with friends before I'm 22 dp is 27 and has had plenty before and after we have been together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cookiechef · 21/06/2014 12:20

The holidays are for pleasure.

OP posts:

JustWonderingAbout · 21/06/2014 12:22

Not fair. Could you find a lovely childminder / good friend to look after DS during the days while you're away? Then DP would only need to do evenings. Maybe he's nervous. DHs get overwhelmed more easily as they're sometimes not as used to it. Grrrr

Fairylea · 21/06/2014 12:23

Well that's ridiculous. Surely all money is family money and you have equal spending money?? So how come he can afford it and you can't? Hugely wrong.

Tell him. Don't ask him. What an arse he is.

JustWonderingAbout · 21/06/2014 12:23

Does your ASAP ASK you when he goes on these trips - or does he tell you? If he tells you, do the bloody same!

DoJo · 21/06/2014 12:28

Why can't he look after his own son? Has he given a reason? Because unless you are prepared to put up with a lifetime of him absolving himself of all responsibility for his child, then you need to resolve this now.So what if he feels out of his depth - he's got a year to learn everything he needs to know about taking care of his child (although it is a disgrace that he hasn't managed that in the last three years) and he should be thrilled that you are getting a chance for a break and doing everything he can to facilitate that, not creating obstacles out of nothing. Your son needs extra care and support, not one parent who can't be arsed to even consider doing his job.

RedPony · 21/06/2014 12:32

Yanbu. You need your own time to yourself so if I were you I would tell your DP that he is also a parent and he needs to parent his child so you can have your turn at getting away for a few days. Either he takes the time off to look after his son or he arranges childcare for the hours he is working.

Original poster

Cookiechef · 21/06/2014 12:35

He can look after ds but the way he sees it is I get a break every night when he works 7pm-12am and ds is in bed which isn't always the case, so I need to be there during the day, I would love even a day to lie around not chasing ds from one room to another trying to stop him climbing and breaking things.
The money thing is our other big issue we both pay the Same amount of money into a joint account for bills but the rest of our incoming money is our own so he makes more so can afford more holidays but I do have enough for one for myself which would be great if he would take 4 nights off work next year.

OP posts:

Teeb · 21/06/2014 12:39

Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with this man in a years time?

mumeeee · 21/06/2014 12:43

YANBU. DH and I have both had trips away on our own in the past.

DoJo · 21/06/2014 12:48

Actually, YABU for only being a little upset - I'd be livid if my husband thought he could absolve himself of responsibility for our child just because it didn't suit him to actually be a parent.

WooWooOwl · 21/06/2014 12:49

Your husband is incredibly selfish.

It sounds like you have enough private income that he's not paying for you to be a SAHM, is that right?

If so, and you contribute just as much financially to the household as he does, then you are completely within reason to stop doing anything for him if he won't do it for you. No more washing his stuff or cooking his food or cleaning his mess. Go on strike and just take care of yourself and your child.

Fairylea · 21/06/2014 12:55

Your money situation is wholly unreasonable. Why should he have more spending money when you are both contributing to the family equally? I'm a sahm, dh and I pool all our money into a joint account and allocate ourselves equal spending money from what is left after all bills are paid. I'm a lot older than you and this is my 3rd (Yes 3rd!) marriage. The first two had similar attitudes to your dh with money / free time etc and quite frankly I was better as a single parent than putting up with that shit. It was like having another child.

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 21/06/2014 12:55

Your dh is taking the piss out of you. Does he not want to look after ds by himself? How much time doeshe spend with ds?

MrsKCastle · 21/06/2014 12:56

Hang on- you're a stay at home mum, but paying equally towards bills? Where is that money coming from? Please tell me you're not spending your savings while he has plenty left over?

XiCi · 21/06/2014 13:00

Your posts actually make me feel very angry on your behalf. Surely you can see how badly he is treating you. He is taking the absolute piss out of you both emotionally and financially. If he really cared about you he would not treat you like this. You either need to toughen up and stand up for what you want in the relationship or get out and find someone who treats you with respect. You sound lovely btw and deserve better.

What do your friends and family think of him and how he treats you because your life seems unsupported and pretty hard going.

Original poster

Cookiechef · 21/06/2014 13:06

I'm a stay at home mum but I receive cb ctc (plus disability element) carers allowance and ds has his own money from dla which funds days out or anything big that that he needs. I would love it to work out between us but this is tearing us apart.
Dp is there during the day from 10 when he gets up to 6 when he leaves but I have to be there as I keep everything on track with appointments or we are out somewhere with ds but I'm not aloud to stay in the house when dp takes him out and I don't know anyone around were we live and no one in our family can watch ds as they work or have children of there own and don't have a safe set up for ds.
I'm still trying to get dp to agree but he thinks I get enough alone time at night or (this one was so wrong it's funny) I'm in the kitchen, I cook in the kitchen or I'm cleaning, I could have thrown the pot in my hand at him.
I'm determined I'm getting this holiday even if I have to book it and leave ds in the house with him one day would that be unreasonable :/.

OP posts:

HazleNutt · 21/06/2014 13:09

You pay equally for bills, but you're a SAHM? He has more money and does whatever he pleases with it, but when you want a holiday then he still decides if you have enough money? And he only works evenings, but by the sound of it, you still do all the childcare when he's at home? WHat exactly is he doing with his days?

He has really made his life cozy - you even thing you should give him money to look after his own child. Does he give you money for all the days you look after your DS?

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 21/06/2014 13:09

Hang on you are not allowed to be in the house when dp is out with ds? Says who?
This all sounds very abusive.

Fairylea · 21/06/2014 13:09

You're not allowed to stay in the house if he takes ds out?? Have I misunderstood that?!

This is awful. Just awful. I'm sorry op but I feel really angry on your behalf. Of course you're not being unreasonable.

Fairylea · 21/06/2014 13:12

Just want to add dh works horrid shifts. Sometimes up at 6 am after a late shift finishing at 11pm. He averages about 50 hours a week. On his days off (or even if he has a late shift the same day) we parent together, take dc out together and relay between each other. He wouldn't dream of having a lay in till 10 or 11 and then spending the day floating about while I did everything. That's just selfish.

Original poster

Cookiechef · 21/06/2014 13:16

I didn't mean it to sound like that he's not abusive I don't think so anyhow he's just very one sided as that's how his mum brought him up, it's ds who doesn't do well with dp on there own out with the house dp likes to try push ds a little harder than I would to do things as he's struggles with his autism so it back fires and they would leave the place as soon as it happens. I've had 45 minutes at the most in the house myself when dp took ds out as ds started having a meltdown when dp insisted he walked and no use his buggy on a bus.

OP posts:

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