To be little upset at dp

[Cookiechef]

Me and dp have been together almost 4 years we have our ups and downs but mostly ups, we have a ds who's 3 with Austim.
Now for the problem dp has had 4 3-4 day trips with friends men and women. He's going away in September again for 3 days.
My best friend asked me to go away for 5 days with her and her other friend but dp says no, not enought money (yes there is) and no because of child care, I understand that one but what's got to me is now this friend is asking if i could go next year and dp says not unless I take ds.
I'm a stay at home mum as ds has to many appointments to juggle but is it really unfair for me to ask him to take some time off only for a few days so I can get some much needed alone time, I have only spent 1 night apart for ds in the last 3 months and it's hard work trying to supervise him 24:7, he's thinks when ds is in bed that's my alone time but ds doesn't always go to sleep.
I could give him the money to cover his time off work as I have it and he's entitled to 6 weeks of work a year, and he's only works from 7-12pm 5 nights a week so my only option is him being off work for a break.

Your DP treats you absolutely appallingly from the way you've described it here. You're at SAHM - his income is to support all of you, and the benefits are a top-up, not to be treated as your wages while he earns a packet and spends it all on himself. DH is a SAHD and all my wages plus CTC and CB go into a single account to pay the bills. What's left over we split between us equally. I'd be ashamed to make him live on what we get in benefits while I'm bringing home a full-time wage each month, even more so if he had to use that money to pay for trips out for DS as well! As for not being able to look after your son, I have no experience with ASD and I appreciate that makes it more complicated, but your DS is 3 years old - your DP should be stepping up and learning how to look after him on his own sometimes. To say that you deserve no holidays because you get evenings off (and with a son that doesn't sleep well I know how ridiculous that idea is anyway! ) is awful. He has all day off by the sounds of it, so why does he get trips away? As for telling you that cooking and cleaning is time off, that's just disgusting. He needs to grow up and realise that you're equal partners in this relationship and that you have as many rights as he does, and he has as much responsibility as you. I'm sorry for the rant and you have all my sympathy, but I honestly couldn't bear to live with someone who treated me like that.

Another woman with an abusive fuckwit.

Not only is this arsehole totally preoccupied with serving his own self interest, it would seem that on top of that, he actively begrudges the OP so much as a minute's peace, to the point where he considers such, as her taking liberties!

He is not a good man by any stretch of the imagination.

Oh and OP, the fact that you describe your feelings on this as being 'a little upset' just illustrates how conditioned you are to accept your dh's control.

I wouldn't be 'a little upset', I'd be highly amused at his delusion of authority over me. I'd find it so utterly off the wall, I would laugh out loud.

As I say...he'd hate being in a relationship with me. That's why he's with you.

Don't be that doormat.

It's control. keep you in your place. My ex tried to be like this after I had DC it was noticeable which is why I left. You deserve a break. In fact what kind of man doesn't see that? A number of things have to change: money goes into a joint bank account that you have access to (all bills paid out of this), you agree what goes to savings and how much spending money you get each (you don't buy anything for kids or house out of your spending money), you both have equal access to breaks (including going away, daily breaks, breaks at the weekend). If he says no to this tell him to leave and that you'll be applying to the CSA for support (and that he'll have to keep the home going for you and DS).

Leave. Take your ds and leave. It is not a healthy loving relationship, its a convenient set up that serves him.

I feel sad for you OP. Your Partner sounds extremely selfish as if only he is important. A break would do you the world of good but your P sounds like he doesn't know how to cope with your son and his autism without upsetting your son.

I agree with others saying that this discussion would be best of in Relationships. The fact that you are massively down-playing this situation is heart-breaking.

he thinks I get enough alone time at night

I've only skim read the whole thread, so apologies if i'm repeating something that's already been said, but I just had to comment on this.

Does he really think that a few hours sat in the house alone in sole charge of a (sleeping, if you're lucky) young child is comparable to a few nights away with friends, in a nice place with no responsibilities??? If he does believe this, he is, at best, delusional.

He needs to step up and take some parenting responsibility

Sorry, haven't read the last few posts but I'm bubbling up with rage on your behalf. Your dp sounds like a total waste of space.
What a selfish arse.
I am a SAHM, Dp works full time. Every year, both of us get to go away separately. Dp goes away twice with his mates, because one of the friends has a hholiday home so they only have to pay for flights and beer money. I go once because I like to go to different places so have to pay for accommodation too. We both spend a similar amount of money but we are both happy with our choices.
When I go away, I organise childcare for the Friday I'm away with the proviso dp collects them at 4/5pm then has them for the weekend.
We are both happy with our arrangements.
Your dp is lazy, selfish and financially abusive towards you.
This is not normal, rational behavior. You need your own savings set up for a rainy day.

Or for the day you decide not to let him bully you any longer. I hope it's sooner rather than later, for your dcs sake if not yours.

Sorry I still don't understand why you are not allowed to stay in the house when he is out.

Anyway you should both have the same amount of 'me'/leisure time.

Make a calendar put a line down the middle and mark down either side who is doing what hour by hour over the course of a week. Also days away you've each had. so you can see clearly where you are and hopefully help you stand up for more time for you.

Or save time and LTB.

Also agree you are not 'free' in the evenings. He is free when he buggers off on holiday.

My DW would have cut this guy's balls off a long time ago. I'm fascinated to know how a bloke ends up justifying 'rules' like you've mentioned.

From what you've said, your holiday is a red herring. You need more fundamental equality in the relationship.

You not bring allowed in the house alone sounds incredibly controlling. I hope everything works out.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.autism.org.uk/

Get in touch with the above organisations and see how they can help you. You need respite otherwise your health will suffer, caring for a child with autism is a round the clock process & you need to be rested.

I think your partner is afraid of being left alone to care for your son & doesnt know how to deal with him. As you deal with your ds daily, you know his trigger points & what calms him whereas your dp doesnt have that depth of experience. That maybe one of the reasons why he is being a selfish arsehole & he is afraid to admit the truth.

I don't want to make things worse or take matters off on a misguided spiral, but from my reading of what you've said, it seems to me that he thinks your ds is solely your responsibility. Depending on what your husband is like, it may be better that way. But if so you need increased rights and powers to go with the corresponding duties.

Hi there,

We'll be moving this thread to our Relationships topic shortly, at the OP's request.

Thanks to everyone who's contributed so far.

How are you doing OP?

Your husband is a piece of work. You are a stay at home mum and full time carer, and he works full time.

AND YET YOU BOTH CONTRIBUTE EQUALLY TOWARDS BILLS?

What the actual fuck is that about? He can only work full time because you are at home picking up the slack! That is absolutely OUTRAGEOUS.

And as for him saying that you can't go away for five days when he is off on multiple holidays - how the fuck did he manage to get you to accept that?

Don't ask - TELL.

"You have gone away on holidays FOUR times this year, for days at a time. Next year I AM going away for five days, and we will need to arrange child care. I am not your fucking maid".