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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be little upset at dp

68 replies

Cookiechef · 21/06/2014 11:59

Me and dp have been together almost 4 years we have our ups and downs but mostly ups, we have a ds who's 3 with Austim.
Now for the problem dp has had 4 3-4 day trips with friends men and women. He's going away in September again for 3 days.
My best friend asked me to go away for 5 days with her and her other friend but dp says no, not enought money (yes there is) and no because of child care, I understand that one but what's got to me is now this friend is asking if i could go next year and dp says not unless I take ds.
I'm a stay at home mum as ds has to many appointments to juggle but is it really unfair for me to ask him to take some time off only for a few days so I can get some much needed alone time, I have only spent 1 night apart for ds in the last 3 months and it's hard work trying to supervise him 24:7, he's thinks when ds is in bed that's my alone time but ds doesn't always go to sleep.
I could give him the money to cover his time off work as I have it and he's entitled to 6 weeks of work a year, and he's only works from 7-12pm 5 nights a week so my only option is him being off work for a break.

OP posts:

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 21/06/2014 13:19

Sorry but he does come across as abusive, certainly to your ds and very slyly to you OP.

HazleNutt · 21/06/2014 13:21

You are unreasonable to be only "a little" upset. Each family is different, but for an outsider, this does not sound fair.

Fairylea · 21/06/2014 13:23

You need to stand up for yourself and your child. He sounds like a bully to your child. Can you contact womens aid and talk through things with them? They are very supportive in helping to clarify whether a situation is abusive or not (I believe yours is).

Original poster

Cookiechef · 21/06/2014 13:25

I wouldn't says he abusive to ds he's just in denial at ds having autism which he is slowly working on, I'm getting my break now (cooking lol) so I'm reading up on abuse he may be a little bit but he did just come in and tell me to make a list of things I don't like and he will make one of what he doesn't (this will be interesting) and we can see what we can work out, he adamant he can't won't be able to take a a few days off January or feb when we plan to go so might be able to come to some arrangement if it suits us.

OP posts:

OnlyLovers · 21/06/2014 13:27

Well, YANBU, as I hope is abundantly clear from everyone else's response!

How is it remotely fair that he gets four holidays a year and six evenings to himself and you get zip?!

He's being a wanker. Say yes to your friend and tell him you're going.
And as for DHs get overwhelmed more easily as they're sometimes not as used to it, well, diddums.

Frogisatwat · 21/06/2014 13:31

Are you entitled to any respite care? I know this isn't the point but you do need a break. Everyone does. Carers even more so

HazleNutt · 21/06/2014 13:32

he has 6 weeks off, but can't take a few days so you could go on holiday? I call bullshit.

LuluJakey1 · 21/06/2014 13:34

Why doesn't he go away with you and DS instead of his friends. I think it's strange for a married man to go away regularly with a mixed group of men and women for 3-4 days without his wife- who never gets a break.
It is selfish at best and at worse he's messing about with other women. Just my opinion.
He only works 5 hours a day. How can he afford to go away at all 4 times in less than a year. What does he do?
Put your foot down very firmly on his balls would be my advice and make him listen.

Icimoi · 21/06/2014 13:34

So, according to him, you get a break in the evenings when he's at work, but he's not getting a break between 10 a.m. and 6 p.m. (or whenever he goes out to work) when he's in the house but leaves you to do all the housework and organise your ds? Can he not work out that is, quite simply, totally illogical? If he only works 5 hours a night he's actually got a shorter working day than most people, so he should definitely be contributing more at home.

And logically you should contribute to household bills according to your respective incomes. If, say, his earnings are £40K per year whilst yours are £20K, he should put in twice as much as you do. It's completely fair, because the only reason you can't go out and earn more is that you are looking after his child and his home. But somehow I think that's another area where your husband is going to have a total logic failure.

Original poster

Cookiechef · 21/06/2014 13:35

It's not 4 a year it's been 4 in 4 years but yeah it is unfair, and he's 3 so I don't think he would be entitled to respire care at this age but will have a look online, Thankyou everyone it's clear that things need to change and it needs to happen now rather than later.

OP posts:

pictish · 21/06/2014 13:37

Oh OP, I feel for you. Your dp is a selfish, unreasonable, domineering, abusive shit.

Everything you describe is wrong. The shocking unfairness reagrding the holidays, the money set up where you both split the bills and he keeps his wages entirely to himself, the fact that he will not look after his own child...all of it is abnormal and abusive. Imvho.

MaryBennett · 21/06/2014 13:39

You're 'a little upset'? You know you have the right to rage....

XiCi · 21/06/2014 13:55

OP, think about asking MN to move this thread to the relationships board where there are likely to be lots of women who have experienced similar to you and can help you.

Original poster

Cookiechef · 21/06/2014 14:05

How do I ask for it to be moved to the relationship page x

OP posts:

pictish · 21/06/2014 14:09

Put it this way...he'd hate being in a relationship with me, because I'd flatten him and his self serving bullshit in a trice. I'd not be his housekeeper and nanny as he pleased himself and took care of his own interests, while completely neglecting mine as being of no import.
I'd go through him like a dose of salts.

XiCi · 21/06/2014 14:10

I think you just click on 'report' which is on the right hand side of your username and ask them to move it x

XiCi · 21/06/2014 14:15

Me too pictish but they wouldn't come near us in a million years because people like this are cowards and bullies that prey on others that are weaker or vulnerable in some way. Like this poor OP who is isolated from friends and family, makes me so angry.

Fairylea · 21/06/2014 14:17

Cookie you can report your own post and put in the message you'd like it moved to relationships.

Branleuse · 21/06/2014 14:20

jeez, your husband treats you like shit.

im sorry that you think this is normal

hamptoncourt · 21/06/2014 14:28

OP why are you not allowed to stay at home when DP is out with DS?

Can you understand how abusive this relationship sounds?

pictish · 21/06/2014 14:30

I know Xi his interest in woman like me would be zero.
No man gets to walk over the top of me you see?

BravePotato · 21/06/2014 14:37

Not fair.

OP, as a housewife/sahm you really need a plan in place to have sone of your own money. Your own separate bsnk account where you put a bit of money into.

Being completely financially dependent on a dickhead is not a good life plan.

Then in future, you do not ASK to go out, you TELL him ( am sure he tells you, rather than asks you, right?!) and then you tell him he needs to figure out childcare( relatives, babysitter, whatever).

Can you do that? Being a martyr leads to nowhere, he will just respect you less and less. Try to become z bit more assertive, it is possible! I learnt to do it.

softlysoftly · 21/06/2014 14:38

LTB

Then go on holiday during his contact days. Honestly you'd be better off he sounds like a total and utter bastard.

pictish · 21/06/2014 14:38

What do you mean you're not allowed to stay in the house when he's out with ds?
I don't understand that bit.

It reads like he has so much control over you, he gets to dictate whether or not you are permitted to be in your own home!
That can't be right, because that would be ludicrous.

Please explain.

ouryve · 21/06/2014 14:48

Your P completely disregards your DS's needs and dismisses yours as unimportant.

He has you in your place, just where he wants you and is unwilling to give you the opportunity to step outside of that role, even for a few days. That is very controlling.

TBH, I wouldn't want to leave a man like that in charge of my autistic kids for several days.

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