Help needed with Friends Husband!

[Zaphire]

It's no secret we don't get along, for a few years now he will always take the opposite opinion from me and create arguments. He is always making snide comments and then saying he didn't mean it. When this has been brought up in the past he says he is sorry but I said x,y, and z which is why he behaves this way. It became a common thing for my friend to have to step in and say "now, now you two". I hate it, being treated like a child because he gets upset when I stand up and reinforce my arguments. He often says things to other people as well, he says he is being funny but it is just rude.

Recently I have been going through a lot personally and I emailed my friend after another episode of particular rudeness, to say I was upset with him and I wanted to stay away from him for awhile. I was going to end up saying something to him in anger which would ruin our friendship. They are both now having a go at me saying I have brought it up so we have to sit down together and have it out. I do not want to do this because me and him are never going to get on, I just don't like him. So why can't we just agree to be civil in public? She says that unless I sort this out with him I wont be invited to any social event that he is at. I.e. he wont be in the same room as me until I have this sit down with him.

They say I am being childish because I don't want to do this. I think acknowledging that two people just don't get on and being civil when things force you together are enough.

Can people tell me what they think? If I don't patch this up with him I will be socially exiled, she said he has already done this to friends so I have to do it. I think he is a controlling ass but she got very angry when I said he was trying to isolate her, saying she was no one lap dog! I didn't say she was I just think her husband wont allow he out to see her friends very much so everyone has to go to them and he wont allow people in who he can't control.

Am I over reacting?

It's not really clear whether he actually does take an opposite opinion to cause a row or whether you just have opposing views on life generally that put you on opposite sides of any discussion.

On the other hand, you describe him as trying to isolate her and this episode certainly fits with that. It sounds like all socialising has to be done at their house, so if you want to avoid him you have to avoid her, too?

You're under no obligation to sit down with them, but you have to accept she is going to choose him. What does being 'socially exiled' mean? Is your whole friendship group centred around their house?

I would find some less high maintenance friends, but let her know that you think he has engineered this to isolate her and if she ever needs to talk to you, you will listen.

No, and no way sit down and have this out.

I would tell her that his isolation tactics are working nicely, and just get on with your life. And tell her that her threats to not invite you to social events if he is there are her problem, if you go to an event and he is there that is not your concern, and those are nice tricks he is teaching her and to get over herself, neither of them are not the boss of you.

I would tell them both to knob off, I would tell her why and she knows where you are and the door will be always open.

Life's too short.

Sorry, are you being threatened by them with being "socially exiled" or is that what you can see happening?

Thanks for the responses.
All social gatherings with that circle of friends are centred around them. When I have asked for them to come to me I have been told that he doesn't want to come so she can't or it is a very brief visit.
I think he is trying to isolate her as he has run off 2 very good friends all ready, she says he isn't which is what I expected her to say but still.... She has said out right that I have to make this good with him otherwise I wont be invited to anything where he will be which is everything since he will only leave her side to go to work. He will even sit there yawning and saying he wants to go to bed when people are there in the evening, he wont just leave her to talk to her friends. He is constantly on his phone and only joins in the conversation to oppose me, it is a bit of both, we don't agree on things but he doesn't have to be so very, very rude about it. I just try to ignore him and say "yes fine your right" but even then he wont drop it and will keep on and on, on the same point.

I really don't want to have to talk to him about this but I would like to save the friendship. She only gets to see the other friends on rare occasions and never at her house. We have been close for a few years and I would miss her but I am not sure I can put up with him anymore. I am being made to feel like it is my fault, she said I should have kept quiet and continued ignoring him if I didn't want to talk about it. I think they are being childish as this is only going to cause a bigger rift and not everyone can get on in life. But she is adamant that I have to talk to him about it.

I just wondering what people think is the right way to do this, do I have to sit down and tell him why I find his comments upsetting? He already knows he is upsetting me, why else does he always say he didn't mean it afterwards? He has said he does it because he doesn't like some of the choices I have made in my life but that's not for him to judge and he doesn't know the full story. I will say this, he will say that and then where do we go? Just sit there silently hating each other? Or do I have to back down and tell him I am sorry I get upset by him and let him continue?

Thanks all :) I just didn't know where to turn with this.

Her loyalties lie with her H. tbh they both sound like a pain in the arse and not worth socialising with. Find new friends, your social life shouldn't be so dependant on one couple.

Back out of the friendship. Otherwise you are going to find yourself called to these 'meetings' to hash it out every time he feels you are getting too outspoken and they'll use it as an opportunity to rip you apart.

She has sided with him, until she realises what a controlling wanker he is, there isn't much you can do about it unfortunately. It's happened to me, I wasn't called to a meeting with him thankfully but she did stop socialising with me until she broke up with him and realised what a controlling arse he was.

No you don't have to sit down with this couple. Just say something to your friend like 'no it's alright thanks. I don't want to have that discussion. It would be awkward for everyone'. Then back off. Doesn't sound like you are missing much if you stop going to these gatherings. Be there for your friend if she does ever decide to ditch this horror.

Exactly what Funkyboldribena said

Say that word for word.

And go and find drama free friends for actual fun.

Don't bother your arse. Just tell her that you will always be there for her but don't want to engage with him.

I have a couple of friends this has happened to- I cling on for their sakes with regular contact but leave it at that.

He sounds a worm who knows exactly what he is doing.

absolutely no way would i sit down with him. what an arse. he sounds really awful.

i would tell her that he is doing a good job of controlling her and you will always be her friend but you will not sit down and talk this through with him. what they do as a result of your decision is no business of yours. should she decide to get out of this abusive relationship in the future, of course you will be there for her. but you can no longer expose yourself to his arseholiness.

If my DH/P was rude to my friend, i'd be mortified! If she'd been going through a hard time and he was rude to her i'd take it up with him.

But that is now. I don't even have a 'D' anything. My Ex (ds dad) was an isolating arse, and thanks to him I lost every pre-him friend I ever had. Ok some were probably natural wasteage, but everyone in my life now are friends i've made since having DS.

No way should you attend this 'summit meeting' it's on his terms.

I'd be tempted to blithely reply 'it's ok, if he wants to apologise, he knows where I am'

He knows you are a threat. Your friend can't see the wood for the trees and you can't make her. I would start going out with the other ostracised friends and begin creating a new social group which doesn't revolve around them. You might then be able to support your friend if/when she does decide to ditch him.

Everyone is right and so is your gut instinct - there is no point in talking to him as he just wants you to toe the line. Painful as it is point this out to your friend again and then walk away - you could say you'll be there for her if she ever sees the situation for what it is.

How awful. If you are excluded from these great social events at their house does that really matter? Are there people you will lose touch with? If so start working on seeing them separately. And if I didn't get on with a friend's dh then I would keep the friendship to things we do when he isn't around.

I think that if you were to sit down with this couple they would simply counter every one of your examples of why his behaviour irritates you.

What would be the point? You'll simply come away even more irritated and scolded to boot.

Quite honestly I don't think social exile will last long, it sounds as though he's picking off her friends one by one. Likely if you withdraw yourself others will follow.

Dump them both, but make it clear to her your door is always open in the future.

I had to let go of a friend because her DH was so controlling. He gave me the creeps and it was impossible to have a friendship without him always being there. I realised that my time with friends was precious to me an I didn't want to waste it hanging out with people who did my head in.

A sit down wraf - no dont go, it will be on his terms and he will see it as another chance to exert some power and control over you.

I dont think going to great legnths to explain anything to your friend about this. I would back out as others have said but say one small precise phrase to her to plant a seed so she might start to think about what a controlling abusive wanker he is.

Something like - 'Im sorry thing have come to this, dont you see a pattern here (re other friends)?'

'I happy to respect others opinions and disagree but the ruddness is unnessary. I have my boundaries and I feel your DH repeatedly has given me no choice by but to bow out'

I will alwyas be your friend and you know where I am. If you wou ld like to meet let me know.

Dont get bogged down with she said/he said routines, or criticising him/her she has to realise herself.

Going by your last post it seems you're struggling a bit to see the wood from the trees a tad.

While he's In control your friend won't be a proper one and maybe the quicker she's deserted the quicker she might see him for what he is.

Yes I like the planting a seed idea along with stressing that the door is always open when her life isn't as intense and just back off.

Your other alternative is to sit and be berated in a very tiresum and tedious conversation until he's satisfied you've been put back in your place.

He sounds like a creepy controlling arsehole.

And as they come as a package it's not worth 5 minutes of nice chat and then 2 hours of putting up with a creepy controlling arsehole.

This whole meeting is a way of controlling you and making you feel small. Threatening to make you a social pariah because you won't suck up to a creepy controlling arsehole is abhorrent.

The only reason you didn't socialise at your place was because these two wouldn't leave their house (where he felt in control). Now you are free to invite the remainder of the social circle round to yours and omit them. I imagine the ostracized friends aren't the only ones who'd appreciate it - there are probably others who are biting their lip in his company.

Get them all back to yours, and see how long she enjoys being sat across the dining table alone and staring at her creepy controlling arsehole of a husband.

No way would I go to a sit down meeting.

How close a friend is she really if you can never ever see her without him there?

I'd say no thanks, back off and find new friends. Or just invite the old friends to yours without her because 2 can play the 'I won't invite you' game.

Thanks everyone, I was unsure if I was being unreasonable about not wanting to sit down with him and wondered if this was normally how people resolved these issues. If my partner didn't like a friend I would (and have done) invite them anyway and tell him if he cant be nice be quiet. She is on maternity at the moment so I can see her when he is at work but past that I don't know how it will work.

You're all right when you say I will just have to sit there and them counter everything I say and then just be back at square one but humiliated too. I think I will just ask her what she thinks will happen at this meeting and try to explain nicely that I don't mind not being invited as I have other places to go. She knows where I am if she wants to maintain the friendship without him being around.

Thanks again everyone, I was really feeling like a chastised child and very unsure of how to go forward from this.

don't even think about a "meeting", a "meeting" for gods sake.

my dd suffered like this for years, her exH was just the same.

friends deserted dd until he was the only one left as a "friend"

stuff them.

she will need you one day, but will surely find herself isolated and alone.

sod the pair of them, but let her know as soon as she realises his narcissistic behaviour has all but destroyed her, to ring you for a shoulder to cry on.

Find some new friends.
Or see her without him.
Or ignore him when you see him. You don't have to engage with him. Just ignore or make non committal comments.

He sounds like an arse. I recommend taking a step back and consider each situation for it's own worth. As someone else said, is it really worth 5 mins of friend time and the rest of the night not enjoying yourself.

I'd also have a word with your 'd' h. "Now then you too " sounds like he thinks you are equally responsible. If I WAS being an ahole my partner would have my back (at least at the time).

Don't bring up this meeting again except to say no, ther is no point it sending any more time with a controlling, abusive arse.

What Frankensein says is best.