Help needed with Friends Husband!

[Zaphire]

It's no secret we don't get along, for a few years now he will always take the opposite opinion from me and create arguments. He is always making snide comments and then saying he didn't mean it. When this has been brought up in the past he says he is sorry but I said x,y, and z which is why he behaves this way. It became a common thing for my friend to have to step in and say "now, now you two". I hate it, being treated like a child because he gets upset when I stand up and reinforce my arguments. He often says things to other people as well, he says he is being funny but it is just rude.

Recently I have been going through a lot personally and I emailed my friend after another episode of particular rudeness, to say I was upset with him and I wanted to stay away from him for awhile. I was going to end up saying something to him in anger which would ruin our friendship. They are both now having a go at me saying I have brought it up so we have to sit down together and have it out. I do not want to do this because me and him are never going to get on, I just don't like him. So why can't we just agree to be civil in public? She says that unless I sort this out with him I wont be invited to any social event that he is at. I.e. he wont be in the same room as me until I have this sit down with him.

They say I am being childish because I don't want to do this. I think acknowledging that two people just don't get on and being civil when things force you together are enough.

Can people tell me what they think? If I don't patch this up with him I will be socially exiled, she said he has already done this to friends so I have to do it. I think he is a controlling ass but she got very angry when I said he was trying to isolate her, saying she was no one lap dog! I didn't say she was I just think her husband wont allow he out to see her friends very much so everyone has to go to them and he wont allow people in who he can't control.

Am I over reacting?

Do not have a meeting with him. She may feel she has to put up with his controlling behaviour but you aren't obliged to. Also a meeting only validates his behaviour by suggesting you are somehow equal instigators of the problems, when in reality the issue is him.

I had similar issues with a now ex friend. Her boyfriend was a nasty piece of work who hated her having friends and would instigate rows, sulk, come along to any meet ups we had and behave horribly (he had no friends of his own unsuprisingly). I tried to support her but she would want me to smooth things over with him and 'make up' with him, when the only crime I had actually committed was daring to be her friend. I wouldn't put up with that sort of behaviour in my own relationship so why would I tolerate abuse from someone else's partner? I had no interest in pandering to a pathetic and abusive man.

It ended our friendship eventually as his behaviour escalated quite scarily involving police and SS involvement and after supporting her through it she took him back again and expected me to be nice to him. Last I heard she was still with him and at risk of losing her DCs. Very sad but I'm very glad to be out of the firing line of their messed up dynamic.

I lost my friend of 20 years because I couldn't stand her husband anymore. He was a sarcastic idiot, but she refused to do anything about it. I still miss her, but I realised there was no her without him so that was that.

Yes agree with everyone else. Tell her you are fine with not being invited, that you have tried to smooth things over with him before but nothing seems to work. I would back off, but if you value her as a friend keep in touch with her through texts or calls and let her you you are there for her if she needs you. So frustrating when abusive partners do manage to see off friends and family, but not a lot you can do unless she sees what's happening and decides to confront it herself.

No. No meeting. Tell her, he's not the boss of me....

Fancy demanding that you sit down so he can tell you off?! Prat!

I am torn about dropping her too, as others have said, let her hit rock bottom and being there when she sees him for a controlling pillock. But get yourself out of it.

The purpose of the meeting is a 'show trial' so he can demonstrate to her that her friends are evil and not to be trusted. You're pretty much irrelevant, I suspect, except to serve his purpose.

I would point out the pattern to her, that one by one her friends are being driven away. Then wish her luck and tell her you'll see her when she needs her friends in the future.

Your friendship is already screwed even if it limps on for a while.

Your friend is making you at least half to blame for her Hs behaviour and wants you to sit down and accept this blame. If you don't she will allow you to be punished and ostracised for not accepting your place as lower than him like she does.

There is no other reason for this sit down as he is not going to apologise or change.

gottachangethename1 I told her they were too entangled and there was no her and him any more. She heatedly replied "He is my husband and the father of my child" so I think you have summed up my situation perfectly. I was her friend but there is no her anymore and not much room for me in her life. It's such as shame though.

Tribpot, you're right about it being a show trial. She has said that he has been having a go at her constantly about me saying he wont let it rest until we have this meeting. It makes me so angry to think he is treating her like that because he doesn't like something I have said. I said before I wrote anything on here, that if we did have a meeting we should leave it a couple of months until things have calmed down. I know myself and I will just get angry at his justifications of his rudeness and just end up having a go at him. I think he wants this sit down to try and prove to her he is making an effort with her friends and show her I am the one walking away but he knows it is not going to end well. Either way I am going to be the one they view as being in the wrong.

Well, she's made it clear to you. What Frankenstein said with bells on.

Agree with FunkyBoldRibena
Why do you think social exclusion from them would be a bad thing? From what you have posted, it could only be a good thing (even if they were Royal, it would not be worth sacrificing your mental health to socialize with them).

Imho, the dynamic here is that he/they want to maintain a "no fault" superior position. Therefore, the fault will always land on someone else-this time it is you (and it really is not about you at all). Your friend has been trained/brainwashed, made her choice. He won that hands down. Now every one of her friends, anyone that crosses his threshold, is an available target. He creates the conflict (just garden variety bullshit ), game on. Imho, it is sport to him. Always on home turf is telling.

I do not think your friend is much of a friend if she is asking/expecting you to submit to his emotional abuse. Her manipulative declarations of excluding you make her a bully as well, even if she is marching to his orders.

Keep your door open for her when she sees the light...maybe, maybe not.

He's my husband and the father of my child

Well my DH is my husband but going through a marriage ceremony doesn't stop him occasionally being a twat. Or prevent me from pointing it out. And if I pushed a DC out I'm not sure that has magical powers either.

She's not capable of being a friend to you in the way you are to her. Leave them be to ponder why you might not want to come to their sodding meeting and aren't crying into your pillow every night at not being invited to dinner with twatface and friend.

Also, Zaphire, understand that you do not exist to them. You represent a source for narcissistic supply (whether he/they are narcissistic or not-I am not diagnosing anyone). Their insisting on a business meeting is designed to take your choice away from you; treating you as if you do not have your own brain therefore you must function off of their brain. Zombie March your carcass right into it! Do not tolerate it.

Sorry, a bit triggered here ...the meeting…clearly treating you as a subordinate. Go to the head master's office and get your spanking. Just no, you do have a choice whether they "recognize" it or not.

A quiet word to your friend if you must, but then please consider complete radio silence with them, ie no contact. Of course they will need to have the last word and make it out that this is them punishing you...That's fine, still the result you need. The social circle, ins and outs, will know the truth.

Sorry you are going through this. He, and with her support-they are emotional vampires.

He's trying to manipulate and bully both of you. If she chooses not to see that, that's up to her. You say she's already lost 2 friends, maybe she needs to lose 3 or 4 before she twigs that it's her husband not her friends that are the problem.

He will simply use any meeting to try to intimidate you, if it were just him on his own, you could tell him where to go, but you want to work things out for the sake of your friend, and he will simply use that against you.

Also your friend wants you to have this meeting to get her husband off her back - in other words to transfer the issue onto you. Totally unfair. This is not your issue, if she's married a bully that's her problem to sort out.

DH had a similar situation where he felt forced to 'choose' between his best friend of 30 years. They could be friends on friend's wife's terms only or bow out gracefully. He (we, actually, I jokingly referred to this friend as my 'other husband without benefits') chose the latter. I suggest you do the same. DH quietly explained to his friend that he didn't see the wife's 'terms' as friendship at all, just her trying to control him and my DH. He told friend that we loved him like a brother and would always welcome HIM back in our lives. He also mentioned that he felt that she would treat friend nicer if we weren't around as it was obvious that she was jealous of DH and his close friendship.

You say he's already alienated 2 other friends. Sounds like you have a ready-made 'new' group to socialize without them. A group that I'm sure will increase as he continues to alienate her friends.

I'll have a guess and say this bloke loves the sound of his own voice, is never wrong, values people by their possessions or social status and deep down is very insecure.
Just tell your friend you'll be there for her once she realises what a bell end she's involved with.

They both sound hard work. You can't expect to like and get on with everybody. And I think what she said about making you a social outcast is really totally mean and horrible. I couldn't be friends with somebody like that I'm afraid. Just ditch the pair of them. They're not worth the effort.

I'd ditch both. She is as bad as he is.

He sounds like a bully, don't go to any meetings it's just a kangaroo court.

Friendship should not be this much hard work. I would bow out

And he does sounds like a bully. I would say no more to her about him.

I'd bow out too, and tell her that you'll be there for her should she ever need you, but that you're not prepared to put up with him for one second longer, then disengage completely.

I agree with everyone about not going to this 'meeting' and sympathise with you having to make this decision.

To be clear; he doesn't really have a problem with anything you have said or done or your choices. It's nothing personal, however bizarre that sounds. He has a problem with your mere existence as he friend and supporter. Don't get mired in doubting whether you've been nice enough it polite enough or could have done anything different in your interactions with him. It's not you, it's him.

And what he's doing to your friend is classic abuse :( Ramping up the isolation after she's had a baby. It seems to happen all the time, which is horrific.

You sound lovely, and you care desperately and want to do the right thing So all I'd advise is you leave the door open for your friend for when she needs you in the future.

Good luck!

Thanks so much everyone. I was unsure if I should ask the "public" like this but you have enabled me to rethink this and see that I should not just bow down. I was previously in an emotionally abusive relationship and he knows this, I have said before he is a bully, which went down like a ton of bricks. I have been thinking over the situation and the things he is saying I have done, he is now saying he thought I had done and he may have been wrong to think them. To me that still doesn't mean he should be rude to me because doesn't like my decisions. She knows what happened and I think that if she backs me he should too even without knowing. I would assume they were innocent until proven guilty not assume that my partners friend was a nasty person.

As I say that would not excuse his behaviour. I think he is using it as a diversionary tactic to take attention away from what he has done and put it on me. He is saying I am sorry but I thought you had done this, I was wrong lets get on. The only way to bow out gracefully is to agree but the issue is not that, the issue is his rudeness to me which is going to be pushed aside.

I am not sure why the threat of social isolation (from them) should be a threat. I don't make friends easily so I cling to those I do have, but I now have a new group of Mummy friends so I don't need them at all. Plus the only person I really go to these "events" to see is her, so who cares. :)

I am amazed at the difference you guys have made to my self confidence in this matter and can't thank you enough. x

Well done. It is easy to sleep walk into these things because you are a nice person and others are not so nice.

I hope your poor friends wakes up sooner rather than later but he is not your problem or responsibility.