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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed DS1 (20) called me a whore

92 replies

Blush12 · 19/06/2014 21:54

I have been away for a few days with work. Noticed that DS1 had been smoking in the kitchen when I returned and had left the dirty dishes with food left on that him and his girlfriend had.

I asked why was he smoking when I have asked before not to smoke in the house. He then started on a rant about not having any food in the house. I said DS1 when you start paying board I will buy you food maybe I am unreasonable at that but I am a single parent with 2 DS and DS1 works and brings home between around £265 per week of which he spends on himself and he doesn't think he should pay board so I said a couple of months ago if that is the case I wont by you any food in.

But tonight when I said that again he said well you are just a f@@king whore who wouldn't feed her child Sad

I am distraught what do I do..... He isn't a child he is an adult....

OP posts:
SuffolkNWhat · 19/06/2014 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/06/2014 22:56

You are doing the right thing - it is a horribly tough thing to do, but as others have said, he needs to learn his lesson the hard way.

Cluesue · 19/06/2014 22:59

Good for you,you can't put up with that kind of abuse of a 20 year old,sending hugs

ExcuseTypos · 19/06/2014 23:05

You have done the right thing. He needs to realise how awful his behaviour is. One day soon he will come crawling back to apologise.

momb · 19/06/2014 23:06

Change the locks, just in case.
So sorry that your son has behaved so badly. My teen DD says horrible things on occasion but it isn't a pattern yet.
If I had a son and called ANY woman a whore he'd be out on his ear.
Hugs and inner strength to you x

RoseyHope · 19/06/2014 23:10

Well done! It's going to be a stressful and difficult time for a little while but you'll both get through it. Hugs!

Original poster
Blush12 · 19/06/2014 23:14

Thank you everyone I am grateful for the support.

I thought tonight I wouldn't put up with this from a partner so I will not put up with it from my son

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 19/06/2014 23:54

Good for you.
Don't back down.
For the past 20 years you have given him the tools he needs to be independent. Now is the time that he stands on his own too feet.

It wont seem like it at the moment, but you will realise that this is the best thing for all of you.

Deathraystare · 19/06/2014 23:54

Well he is living off 'your immoral earnings' then! Perhaps he should leave your 'bawdy' house???? Oh I see he has....

foadmn · 20/06/2014 00:51

pack the rest of his stuff (in binliners would be fine) and have it by the door for when he calls for it. change the locks or have chains put on so he can't enter at will.

You've done really well so far.

sykadelic · 20/06/2014 01:51

Good on you for being so strong! Definitely think you did the right thing.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 20/06/2014 02:11

Don't let him know if you worry about him over the next few days. He WILL get a bed for the night, food, lift to work or whatever, but if he knows you're thinking and worrying about him he's still got you on the back foot. Leave him for a while to cool off, unless he apologises of course in which case a bit of talking is probably ok if you feel like it.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 20/06/2014 03:42

It must have hurt to throw him out but its time he had his own roost to rule.

Frogisatwat · 20/06/2014 06:21

Well done op. I have a disrespectful pre-teen. I do not tolerate the way he speaks to me at all. It doesn't stop him being gobby in the first instance sadly. .

KatieKaye · 20/06/2014 06:28

He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself.
And that includes paying his own way in life.
£265 a week is more than ample to pay you a fair rent, including proportion of mortgage/rent, utilities and council tax. IMO this would start at around £75 per week, plus food, so say £100. Which still leaves him £165 per week to spend on himself.
You do not need to put up with this - you are being forced out of your house by his actions and that is unacceptable.
tell his your rules and rent, after you've packed his bags and let him go away for a few days to think about it. If he accepts, then pay 1 week in advance before he comes back, with clear understanding that default means swift exit!

sashh · 20/06/2014 07:11

Change the locks now he is out - it's not difficult to do.
Call the council for your 25% reduction in council tax.

Enjoy the peace, as others have said he will find a place to crash and his own way in to work.

ChasedByBees · 20/06/2014 07:18

I'm glad he's gone, how dare he speak to you like that?

Pagwatch · 20/06/2014 08:10

Oh well done.

I can't imagine how tough it must be but it really is the only way for him to understand that he is massively abusing your love for him.

You are very strong. It is the right thing for both of you.

Rideronthestorm · 20/06/2014 08:14

Well done, OP, you did the right thing.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/06/2014 08:16

If you have been soft and laid back with him to the point where he has become so lazy, entitled and disrespectful I imagine it's going to be a hard habit to break. Do not let him move back in. Find your backbone and stick to your guns.

kaykayblue · 20/06/2014 08:19

Hi Op - I think you need to sit down with him and talk to him. It might not change, but you need to stress that calling women "whores" is unacceptable. Not only does it make him look like a misogynistic shit head, but it is a childish, sexist word to use. Tell him you are disappointed in him. Not just that he would use that word, but that he would direct it at his own mother. That is shameful.

You can point out that you work damn hard to provide a roof over their heads, and everything you can for him and his sibling, but he is earning decent money now, and part of being an adult is to contribute towards the running of the house. You understand he might be saving up for a safety deposit at a rental, but you cannot cover ALL the costs for him.

Stand up to him. He won't respect you if you hide away in hurt and fear.

What he REALLY needs though is for him to call another girl a whore, and for her to slap him into next Tuesday.

CharmQuark · 20/06/2014 08:25

This sounds very hard, Blush.

If he makes contact I would say you would like to meet up for a calm discussion.

Then lay out your terms in a firm assertive business-like way. Tell him he is your son and you will always love him but that does not mean you give him unconditional license to abuse your him, your housekeeping and you.

It is disgusting that he should call any woman a whore. Ever.

You love him but he needs to learn to live on his own to feet if he doesn't respect your way of running a home.

Rebecca2014 · 20/06/2014 09:29

Your son has no respect for you and well done for kicking him out, allowing him to stay and verbally abuse you would have taught him what he was doing is okay.

My parents have four children, three that still live at home and they all pay rent and we would never speak to them like that. If one of us did we would be told to leave!!

NigellasDealer · 20/06/2014 09:31

pack his stuff up, throw it out, and change the locks.

NigellasDealer · 20/06/2014 09:32

oops sorry I see you already kicked him out.
bloody well done Flowers

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