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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hiding pregnancy, happily married, I am a terrible person.

79 replies

Iamafool · 06/09/2006 16:46

I'm ready for the backlash about how I should have told DH and how its wrong, but I hope you may see some sense in what I have done. I found out I was pregnant three months ago, we have a 15 month old daughter and are just getting by, but not well off financially. I have also suffered severe PND which I hope I am coming out of.
I am now 22 weeks and about to have my scan, I have had my nuchal fold scan and blood tests, but not mentioned them to DH. DH does not know I am pregnant yet because I know he would have insisted on a termination which I just cannot go through with. I'm now starting to show and I know the deception has to end, but how can I do it?
Writing this out I cannot believe I have done this, I am in an honest and good relationship but I just know how DH would have reacted and couldn't deal with the pressure to assert what I want. Am I bad that I have now left it too late that we cannot talk it over and have I been a cow to essentialy force him into this?

OP posts:

desperate2bmum · 06/09/2006 16:51

oh dear iamafool.

i am a strong believer in honesty is the best policy although a few little white lies dont hurt..this one is as black as you can get!
i would say you definately need to tell him asap..
could you say to dh that you have only just found out?
you never know he may have been happy if you did come clean at the very start..and NO MAN can make you terminate your own baby.
good luck

wheelsonthebus · 06/09/2006 16:52

no - you have not been a cow. in fact you have been pretty brave. but you must tell him now, and work out the best way for doing so. he'll take time to come round, but i bet he does. all the best.

Overrun · 06/09/2006 16:56

Why would he have insisted on you having a termination? Sorry to hear about PND, perhaps being depressed might have coloured your judgement on this.
Having said that in some ways I agree with other posters what you have done can be seen as brae, you have protected your unborn child. At what expense I don't know, how do you think that your dh will react. Is it possible that you could lose him over this?
All that I can say, is that you must tell him, but think very carefully about how

sleepycat · 06/09/2006 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katyjo · 06/09/2006 17:00

You poor thing! Having to keep such a secret must be so hard. My advice the sooner you tell him the better, otherwise time will sneek away and it will get more difficult. Good Luck x

snowleopard · 06/09/2006 17:02

Yes, don't tell him you've been hiding it - I would go to him and say Oh my god - I have just found out I am pregnant and I had no idea, I'm 22 weeks gone!!! - he might actually react protectively if you appeal to his better nature. You may need to get your midwives etc. on side so they don't let annything slip about earlier scans and so on. If your relationship is strong as you say, you will manage. Good luck.

mckenzie · 06/09/2006 17:03

May I say that I would suggest caution in telling a lie now that you will have to remember for the rest of your life. If you say you have only just discovered you are pregnant and then perhaps at the hospital when you are giving birth your DH sees your records and you will then be nervous that he might see a date of a previous appt and realise that you had known sooner etc.
Personally I would have to come clean now and tell the whole truth although you might like to soften your reasons for not telling him as he might be hurt by your assumption that he would have suggested that you have an abortion.

I wish you luck and strength.

Blu · 06/09/2006 17:08

yes but...yes but...sorry to be a bit blunt about this (because i sympathise with you, and certainly do not condemn you in any way) how happy / strong is your marriage? How happy are you within it?

Why not tell him the whole truth - that you were worried that he would have tried to insist on a termionation...work out the deeper issues together! He may be shocked to know that you hid something because you couldn't trust his reaction enough to confide in. Isn't that whant wants talking about befoire you have your new baby to support?

Congratulations - and I hope he meets the news positively. Good luck.

Original poster

Iamafool · 06/09/2006 17:09

I know for a fact that is what he would have wanted and insisted on, we have plans to move abroad as soon as possible, plus as much as he loves dd he doesn't want another child yet. We had a pregnancy 'scare' when dd was 4 months old and his first words were 'would it be an easy abortion'. DD was very much planned , but I think he lives in some crazy business world where everything fits into timtables and schedules and is 'neat'. I knew he would push for termination, and maybe in my state of mind I might have given in.
As for myself, I feel like I'm just coming out of a big black cloud where all I did was focus on myself and DD and we rarely went out or spoke to other people, I have barely seen friends and family and have been viewing my life as if through a telescope. I hope this makes sense.
How on earth can I spring this pregnancy on him now? and why on earth have I hidden it for so long.

OP posts:

MrsFio · 06/09/2006 17:13

I dont know why you have hidden it for so long OR how! I think you need to talk to him. or write him a letter and leave the house whilst he reads it, it will be hell of a shock

shimmy21 · 06/09/2006 17:28

OK, go out now and buy a big bottle of champagne, candles etc. When dh comes home present him with a massive smile and the champagne and tell him that you are both celebrating.

When it is presented as a done deal in a positive light it's amazing how quickly people can come round to the idea.

After he picks himself up off the floor, Dh will start to ask how long have you known etc and you can dissemble (i've suspected for a few weeks now but I wasn't sure/ didn't want to say anything until I knew everything was OK, had a bit of bleeding so hadn't realised or whatever).

And do it today.

AvaLou · 06/09/2006 17:29

I didn't tell DH for two days and was bursting to, but wanted to do it in person.

I think if you can keep such a huge life changing event a secret for so long, and have fears about talking to your DH you should be looking long and hard at your realationship.
Sory if that sounds harsh.

Twiglett · 06/09/2006 17:35

"Holy shit I'm pregnant . I didn't know .. I had an inkling .. I think after PND I just didn't want to accept it .. I did a test and went for a scan .. I'm 22 weeks .. what are we going to do??"

fairyfly · 06/09/2006 17:39

I agree with McKenzie.

It would be lie for life and they're not worth it.

I think if you tell him the truth you could and should get to the bottom of why you couldn't tell him in the first place. It's a sign that things need sorting out between you both in arrival for the new child.

I don't think its a time for Champagne and flowers but some pretty deep emotional talks however hard it may seem.

Blu · 06/09/2006 17:43

You hid it for so long because of your big black cloud, and perhaps because you yourself were trying to keep the difficulties out of your mind? perhaps in your newly 'emerged' state you couldn't bear to step back into emotional chaos and difficulty? You wanted to extend the holiday from it all?

I'm not criticising you at all - but i still think that you have been feeling things that your DH hasn't know about or undserstoood, and that there must be some difficulty between you if you felt so afraid to tell you. He would have had no right to 'insiost' on a termination - he is 50% responsible for this pregnancy, he should have the sensitivity to support you, even if having another baby was not his first pro-active choice to have made. What i'm saying is that you shouldn't have needed to feel so afraid to talk to him, and that might be something to talk to him about. I think that there are dangers in pretending you didn't know etc, and that this will be stored up fermenting future trouble.

Also, if he knows you through and through, he will know you are not telling the truth.

Do you think he might have suspected, anyway? Has he not noticed any signs of pg in 5 months?

But maybe I am being idealistic.

Blu · 06/09/2006 17:46

There is something in Twiglett's suggestion that rings true...the 'after PND I didn't want to accpet it, have now checked and yes..."

basboseh · 06/09/2006 17:49

im with blu too youre too late to tell him the whole truth
if it happenned to my dh it would be a disaster

MrsFio · 06/09/2006 17:53

Although I can see everyones point about lieing, I actually think think you should tell him the truth and all the reasons behind it. I dont think you should be buying champagne and chocolates. I think you should face this like an adult and be honest because in the long term that will be the better solution for you as a couple, even though it will be difficult

Dottydot · 06/09/2006 19:21

I'm with Twiglett - get out of it as best as you can - it happens all the time - people don't realise they're pregnant, so it's entirely believable. Good luck...

Kathlean · 06/09/2006 20:00

It doesn't say much for your 'honest' relationship if you add more lies.

What will you say if he sees or someone mentions the previous tests? Say he comes to a scan with you and the dr/scanner whoever says 'as you know the other tests were fine/got a problem'??? He will know then that you have been lying and that may cause more problems in the future.

I think it's time to 'fess up. No matter what happens then at least you have a clear conscience (spelling).

Also isn't 22 weeeks to late for a non-medical termination?

oxocube · 06/09/2006 20:03

ditto twiglett. and congratulations x

LoveMyGirls · 06/09/2006 20:03

have you told anyone at all?

would you feel better about it if another person was with you when you do tell him?

i know when you are pg you feel very vunerable and i wouldnt like to be on my own with a man i have been hding things from, on my own iyswim? (you don't know what his reaction will be)

he may suprise you and be over the moon - whats the worst case senario?

good luck and i hope he deals with it all ok. by the way i would tell him the whole truth as it will all come out in the end and this could be a fresh start after your PND. (i know how hard PND is i had it for 18mths) i would def talk about why you felt you had to hide it and that you didnt feel you would be able to have a fair say because of your state of mind at the time.

bananaloaf · 06/09/2006 20:06

to feel that you had to lie and keep this from your husband is an awful way to live your life. was he supportive through your PND. i feel for you

ggglimpopo · 06/09/2006 20:07

Message withdrawn

colditz · 06/09/2006 20:12

Oh my heart goes out to you, and having had PND I totally understand why you wanted to hide from this life changing thing by keeping it a secret... but, he has to know now, because in 18 weeks he is going to be a daddy again. If he starts getting snotty about it, remind him that it takes two to tango, and that you would never have had an abortion anyway, so really you have saved you both months of rows and pressure, because it's now too late and has to be dealt with.

If he reacts horribly, just point out that this is why you didn't tell him sooner.

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