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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hiding pregnancy, happily married, I am a terrible person.

79 replies

Iamafool · 06/09/2006 16:46

I'm ready for the backlash about how I should have told DH and how its wrong, but I hope you may see some sense in what I have done. I found out I was pregnant three months ago, we have a 15 month old daughter and are just getting by, but not well off financially. I have also suffered severe PND which I hope I am coming out of.
I am now 22 weeks and about to have my scan, I have had my nuchal fold scan and blood tests, but not mentioned them to DH. DH does not know I am pregnant yet because I know he would have insisted on a termination which I just cannot go through with. I'm now starting to show and I know the deception has to end, but how can I do it?
Writing this out I cannot believe I have done this, I am in an honest and good relationship but I just know how DH would have reacted and couldn't deal with the pressure to assert what I want. Am I bad that I have now left it too late that we cannot talk it over and have I been a cow to essentialy force him into this?

OP posts:

aitch71 · 06/09/2006 20:34

you poor, poor thing, you must be in a right state. i think that blu in particular has made an excellent point that even you can't fully answer - why didn't you tell him before? are you really a confident enough partner in your relationship?

can't you just get DD to bed and sit down and tell him everything, that you've been in a black cloud, struggling with PND and that you went into a blank state where you did the bare minimum (scans etc) to check that your baby was okay but were still pretty much in denial? cos it sounds to me like you've been on automatic pilot.

i do think this business of him insisting on a termination is a little frightening, tbh, i mean that's not really how it works in a partnership, is it? But i imagine you just heard what he said before ringing in your ears (an easy termination, god... that would have crushed me to hear) and couldn't deal with it, perhaps.

i think the truth is the way to go. he will most probably be a bit ashamed for a while, because judging by the previous comment what were you supposed to do? so he might be angry, but it's a fait accompli now and if your marriage is a good one you will find your way through it.

i can understand that you are apprehensive, but youknow you have to do it and you may as well knuckle down and tell him tonight. the very best of luck, i hope it goes well for you.

kayleigh81 · 07/09/2006 08:23

hi iaaf, have you spoke to you dh about this yet?

wannaBe1974 · 07/09/2006 11:40

?it takes two to tango?, absolutely, and that also means that this baby is your dh?s as well and he had a right to know from the outset. While I wouldn?t necessarily call you a cow, I would say that you have been incredibly deceitful and I think that whatever your motives/feelings were, not telling your dh was wrong. Given the fact that you knew that your dh would have insisted on a termination, you need to be prepared for the fact that your dh might now think you have deliberately got pregnant and kept it from him for long enough so as he couldn?t ask for a termination. By keeping this from him, you have deliberately excluded him from having any input in the early stages, and even from having more time to get used to the idea. No it?s not necessarily about him being able to demand a termination, but he does have the right to have expressed his views/fears/opinions, and by deliberately withholding this pregnancy you have taken away any part he might have played.

You need to be honest with him, brutally honest, because anything less is just continuing the deceit, in order to be a good lier you have to have a good memory, and lies always come out in the end, so it?s best to be honest now. And then you need to have a sit down and have a long talk about your relationship and where it?s heading, because a relationship where you can keep something as momentous as that from a partner for 5 months is not a stable honest one, it has serious deep routed problems imo, I would even go so far as to say that you should consider some couples counselling, if your dh decides that he wants to stay with you. You need to prepare yourself for the fact your dh may simply not be able to handle this deceit and may decide to leave. I think if I kept something like that from my dh he would seriously consider leaving me as he would feel all trust had gone from our relationship. Good luck

aitch71 · 07/09/2006 14:18

blimey wannabe, that's tough. she's been suffering from post-natal depression, i'd hope that he would see that she's not been thinking straight. Not that i think the idea of couples counselling is a bad one, though.

iamafool, i really hope that you have spoken with him. if not, don't put it off again.

expatinscotland · 07/09/2006 14:27

'I knew he would push for termination, and maybe in my state of mind I might have given in. '

Sounds like a real catch! Supportive, loving, understanding, accepting, forgiving.

Sorry, Ima, I've had severe PND twice.

And had I fallen pregnant again, my husband wouldn't dream of bullying me into making a decision like that when I was mentally ill - or ill at all, for that matter.

I would never dream of ramroding him into a decision like that myself.

Why? B/c I love and respect him.

You kept it from him b/c he's a bully.

'Thinks everything should fit into a timetable'.

Wow, what a great way to enjoy life!

expatinscotland · 07/09/2006 14:28

Happy marriage means swings and roundabouts.

Remember that 'for richer, for poorer, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health' bit?

Sounds like he may need a reminder.

dazzlincaz · 07/09/2006 15:43

Wondering how things are with you today, Iaaf?

Expat, I agree with your posts here.

My dh wanted me to have the screening tests which may have shown abnormalities. I was hoping fervently for favourable results, because if they were indicative of a problem, dh would have also felt that termination was appropriate - but I would have wanted to continue the pregnancy no matter what.

Sympathise with your difficulties, Iaaf. Being under the cloud of PND must be so hard, and that must have affected your ability to confide in him before now - particularly as he doesn't seem to be the understanding type.

marthamoo · 07/09/2006 15:58

I'm with those who say you should tell him the truth. More deception is no way to continue this marriage - tell him in just the same way you told us in your original post. Yes, he will probably be shocked/angry/hurt/all kinds of other emotions but you will need to give him time then work out together where you go from here. Keeping it a secret clearly won't be an option for very much longer. I've also had severe PND and I know it can make you behave in totally out of character ways so I can sort of see how you've got to this stage - but - you're going to have your second child with this man: you both need to be honest about your feelings. I think counselling is a good idea too. Good luck.

SpaceCadet · 07/09/2006 15:58

ive just read this thread in shock.
im so sorry that you have gone through more than half your pregnancy unable to confide in your husband..but you must tell him and asap.
youve had pnd, therefore you havent been in the right frame of mind, you were worried that your husband would take advantage of your fragile state of mind to insist on termination..sorry but he doesnt sound very suportive, yes he has a say in what happens, but he DOES NOT have a right to bully you, YOUR baby YOUR body...if i were in your shoes i would confide in perhaps your midwife or gp that you havent told your husband, so you are not alone..then TELL him, its too late for a termination anyway, these things happen, you didnt do it on your own, he happily had unprotected sex(im guessing that), so what the heck did he expect.

Twiglett · 07/09/2006 17:38

have you told him? are you ok?

NotQuiteCockney · 07/09/2006 19:16

iaaf, it sounds like a very tricky situation. I've not suffered PND, and don't know what to suggest, other than telling your DH, and being entirely honest, if you can manage it.

Strangely enough, there was a woman on here a few months back talking about writing a novel with a woman in it who hid her pregnancy from her DH.

Mum2FunkyDude · 07/09/2006 19:31

This is potentially a very bad thing imo.

Although you are having a problem with the way he is going to react when you tell him you're pregnant, I think that you might have damaged your relationship severely already, you were not honest with him, and that is breaking a funamental rule in marriage. He will be the person that will have to support you emotionally should you be so unfortunate to suffer pnd with the second baby.

I'm thinking that you should get a neutral person to sit with the two of you when you tell him, to make sure you feel comfortable and also to be present should you need support.

poppiesmum · 07/09/2006 19:43

How are you today iaaf? Have you spoke to him?

Daisypops · 07/09/2006 20:09

I would come clean and tell him you've known for a while but daren't tell him. He might not react as badly as you think. Honestly is the best policy, get it all out in the open, explain why you didn't tell him then you can relax and enjoy your pregnancy. x

littleshebear · 08/09/2006 09:37

I do hope you're ok. It's not at all the same thing, but I didn't tell any of my family or other children I was pregnant with dd2 until 20 weeks because I'd previously lost twins at 17 weeks. I did tell DH, though. I couldn't cope emotionally with anyone's reactions to it - I just didn't want to talk about the pregnancy at all. So I know it's a weird state to be in, and that sometimes you just can't cope with other people, because you have enough on coping with your own emotions. And it is you who has to cope with being pregnant and having a baby in a fragile mental state.

So I don't think you've been deliberately deceitful or awful at all, just coping the best way you could, and protecting yourself from being pressured into something you didn't want.

I would be honest, and tell him you knew, and didn't tell him, and why. This will be difficult, but you can get over it as a couple and it may make the relationship stronger. If you can,tell your midwife and see if she can offer you some support, as well.

XXX

Original poster

Iamafool · 08/09/2006 09:49

Hello everyone and thanks for all your support and input, good and bad. We sat down last night and I told him the full truth, and he said he has known for a while!!! He thought that perhaps I wasn't ready to tell anyone so he gave me some space to tell him in my own time. He was a little shocked at how far I am, but he is really happy. I can't believe I didn't know him well enough to wrongly suspect the things I did about how he'd react.
We are really looking forward to the scan and he has suggested we book a 4D scan as he, rightly, suspects I haven't bonded proerly with this baby as I did with DD and have been shutting it out.

It's clearly not all rosy though as it was wrong to keep this from him. It is so out of character for me and I think we need to address some issues we have just been sweeping under the carpet whilst I have had the PND. One step at a time though. This relef is just incredible and I feel like a ten ton weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thankyou again, I needed to hear the cold hard truth which you all certainly gave and I really appreciate it. I will keep you all up to date on what happens with us.

OP posts:

littleducks · 08/09/2006 09:59

So glad that it has all ended so well, good luck with the baby!

jura · 08/09/2006 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotAnOtter · 08/09/2006 10:00

i am delighted for you both....learn a little from this and maybe trust him next time. i hope you keep us all up to the minute on scans etc. rnjoy the next six months x

lucy5 · 08/09/2006 10:01

Good news, now try and enjoy and relax

leander · 08/09/2006 10:01

Hi Iaaf, Ive been following your thread and I am so glad he took the news well,i hope you can now try to sort out some of your issues and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the arrival together.{{{hugs}}}

Greensleeves · 08/09/2006 10:01

Oh, thank god for that. I'm so relieved for you - it must be good to be able to put down that huge secret and all that worry.

PND is a crushing illness, it disturbs your mind and wrecks your judgement. I hope you can be kind to yourself now and let your dh be kind to you too.

And congratulations!!!!!11

Medulla · 08/09/2006 10:03

Very happy for you and your husband. I hope you can both now enjoy the rest of your pregnancy together!

Dior · 08/09/2006 10:09

Message withdrawn

Bibliophile · 08/09/2006 10:12

Agree with Blu. Tell him that you are pregnant and tell him why you hid it from him. It needs to be said. Do you love him?

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