7 year itch?

[SimplyComplicated]

Anyone experienced the '7 year itch' and if so what did you do about it?

Been living with my partner since 2007, and recently have been feeling what I can only describe as being a bit bored in our relationship. Our sex life has become almost non existent, and after initially trying to get the spark back I now feel I can't be bothered even trying. I do love him and care for him deeply, but I just don't know if I can say I am still in love with him. We do very little to nothing together as a couple, and although we get on really well I can't help but feel we are more just like great friends now. I would not go so far to say I am unhappy, but certainly wouldn't say that I am happy either. I miscarried quite recently and think this may have possibly triggered me to start thinking about and evaluating or relationship. I don't really want to tell him how I am feeling just yet, as I know he will totally freak out and I would rather figure out if it just due to my frame of mind after our loss that is causing it. Feel really terrible as it feels as if I am lying to him and am being selfish and unfair.

Would really appreciate any advice anyone can give

(Apologies for it being quite long, felt good to be venting once I started typing!)

you don't mention having children and you call him a partner not a husband, so you could just be single?! NObody is going to make you choose boredom, ykwim. I don't mean that at all unkindly. But I think people sometimes forget that being single is an option.

(ps, obviously even if you had children and were married, you could still choose to be single, didn't mean to imply that children and a husband were shackles.)

It would be great if being married was really exciting 24/7 but in my experience of a long marriage, this is just not the case. I went though a period where I thought I did not love my husband. I weighed up the option of leaving but I am glad that I didn't because whatever I was going through passed and I love him dearly now and it would have been a terrible mistake. Life with a partner goes through phases. Work could be difficult, or one of the partners could be ill etc, or you could have a sneaking desire for someone else who is emitting signs of fancying you. You once loved this man and you seem to care for him. What does he say when you suggest doing something different that would interest you both, so that you had some fun and a laugh together. Also another relationship could end up the same way if you don't give this one your best shot. Have you got the money to have a complete break or at least a weekend doing something mad together like paint balling or learning to dive. Try and remember what it felt like to be with him in 2007 before you destroy his life and perhaps yours. Being bored is part of life.

No were not married (his issues not mine and that's a whole other story that would be far too long to go into!) We were both wanting to start a family, but as I said I recently miscarried. I really think that could have been the trigger to how I am feeling now. Obviously due to how I am feeling, TTC again is not an option just now. I can't imagine myself not being with him, but at the same time can't imagine myself staying in our relationship as it is. Head is totally done in thinking about it all and trying to figure things out! He stomped off to bed early tonight because 'I was being a moody cow!' Feel so guilty that I can't bring myself to tell him what's bothering me!

He never really has any interest in doing anything else, unless it's going down to our local pub in the evening. Financially we could easily manage to do something new and exciting at a weekend, but I honestly dont think he would be up for it since he doesn't seem to think anything is wrong. My first post maybe sounded like I was giving up on our relationship - I'm not... I just feel like we have settled into a routine that I'm not happy with but don't know how to change.

I think having had a miscarriage is very very sad and it is no wonder that you are feeling as flat as a pancake. If you don't want out of this relationship then you definitely sound as though you could do with a break. He must like something. What about food? Some friends of mine went on a curry cooking course and had a great time whilst stuffing their faces. Or go kart racing? Or a survival weekend? I had some friends who learnt how to build a shelter, make fire , and skin and eat a rabbit. ( not much fun for the rabbit) they had a hysterical time. If you organise something would he refuse ? Have you got some friends that you both get on with who would go with you? There are lots of courses that you can go on and they need not necessarily be expensive. Blackpool is cheap and cheerful and the B&B 's offer all sorts of crazy weekends. I investigated weekends when I was trying to organise a hen do. You need some fun in your life. I love it when my DH and I have a laugh together. Laughing is relaxing. Xx

If he is a quiet stay home and go down the pub type then something as structured as a course might be deeply off putting though. It has to be something you can both get on with - stay in a nice place by the sea and go out to the local pub there in the evenings, and just relax in each other's company and be kind to yourselves.

It's not that he's quiet, he's just set in his ways and although I think some of your suggestions sound great, I really can't see him buying into any of them. Going to have a think and see if I cam come up with some form of break for next weekend, bearing in mind that it will have to be something where he will still he able to watch the football! I would have no chance of getting him to do anything if it meant missing any of the World Cup!!!

I think you need to speak to your partner about this. It sounds like you two are both just stuck in a routine, and then with the awful news of your mc, that is bound to make you question things.

But it isn't fair on your partner for you to hang around feeling frustrated, say nothing, inevitably nothing changes and you leave. How old are you both (roughly?)

I think you should ask to sit down together and tell him that you are feeling really frustrated with how the relationship is at the moment. You feel like it has stagnated and you're genuinely worried. Routine is nice and well, but too much of it can lead to the death of a relationship.

He needs to know that this is important to you before he can decide whether or not he wants to change - and also bear in mind that once you have got used to doing the same thing over and over (local pub) doing something new can seem really unnecessary, boring and stupid at first. So don't be surprised if the first few times he says it is just a hassle. Try and stay positive, and discuss the things that you both liked about whatever it is you did.

Here are some examples of stuff you could suggest that you guys do:

A shared goal (for example, both run a half marathon, or 10km, or do a triathlon, or whatever)

I think anything like this - provided you can both "get into it" is really good, as you end up discussing your progress, comparing strategies, running together, etc. And the shared, tangible goal is not to be underestimated!

Go on holiday somewhere you wouldn't normally go

Every year we tend to go back packing around some part of the world which we have never been to, and it's always an experience that we talk about for years afterwards. Maybe backpacking isn't your thing, but consider a holiday that isn't just "turn up at hot destination. Go to resort. Stay on resort". Because with stuff like that, there is sod all excitement. It's just.....laying around. If you would prefer city breaks consider cheap flights to other parts of the EU. Croatia has some gorgeous places you can go hiking, kayaking, etc. Dublin is one of the friendliest places I've been to, and the pubs are amazing. etc.

The good thing about travelling in the EU is that you can easily go for a weekend as well.

Socialise together more

We socialise pretty regularly together, but not as much as we used to. It always surprises me how much I love seeing the other side to my partner when we are out with others. And you can also gossip together afterwards! . If you don't have many mutual friends, there's no reason why you can't bring them together. Why not suggest a "dinner club" where every month, or fortnight, one person has to cook dinner for everyone. Then after dinner you can break open either a pack of cards or a board game (do NOT under estimate board games!!). I'd really recommend "Cards Against Humanity" if you don't have sensitive friends.

Urgh, is he a football fan? (sorry I hate football with a passion).

You might want to discuss this with him now, but wait until after the world cup has finished before arranging anything. There's nothing more irritating than being out with someone who clearly isn't listening to a word you're saying, or enjoying anything that you've organised!

Could you arrange a world cup final party at your place? I've been to a couple of those and they were really fun!

Relationships have peaks and lows. I think your just going through a low. Things seem fine from what you have said tbh. Maybe a lack of effort and enthusiasm for one another has brought these feelings about but relationships do take work sometimes and I just think that's what is needed here.

He's 36 and I'm 25. Think I'm going to bite the bullet and try and find the courage to speak to him over the weekend. Think I will suggest throwing a party for the final as I like the sound of that and think it's something that he would possibly be up for. I know I relationships require a lot of work for them to go well, and I am more than willing to put in the effort... just really hope he is too. Although I am unhappy with how things are just now, I really can't picture myself not being with him. Just really hope he understands where I am coming from without him feeling like I am having a go at him.

You've been with him from the age of 18!
You do a lot of growing up from that age.
Things change. Your outlook changes.

I left one of my partners after 7 years. We were due to marry but I just knew it wasn't right.

I had changed (almost same as you except I was only 17)
I wanted different things.
And it's a cliche, but although I loved him, I just wasn't IN love with him anymore and the thought of spending the rest of my life with him was not a good thing.

Do what is right for YOU.
If he's dull and you don't do anything and he isn't spontaneous at all then it's pretty dead already.
You hardly every have sex and you are 25!!! Blimey - that's just crazy.

I think you have missed out on your youth (so to speak) and need to do things now and I think he sounds old before his time.

You have nothing to tie you to this guy.
If you want something more then go out there and get it!

Maybe suggest the party, and be very enthusiastic about it. Couch it in terms that he would like: Beer is cheaper if you buy beforehand rather than at the pub! No wankers blocking the view! Seat is guaranteed!

After the party you can say how much you enjoyed doing something a bit different, then kick off the conversation. Be careful to couch it in "we" terms instead of "you" terms to avoid it getting confrontational :)

Think I'll have to have 'the talk' before then kaykayblue as it it is about 3 weeks away... don't think I can keep pretending for that long. Still have no clue how I am actually going to bring it up, but I'm sure I'll figure it out!

hellsbellsmelons thank you so much for your input as everything you have said has pretty much mirrored what I have been thinking but have felt so guilty and selfish in doing so. Not going to lie, I think the lack of sex has a massive part to play in it all, and although I would NEVER look elsewhere whilst in a relationship, I don't wan't to be in charge of meeting my own needs for much longer! Like I have said I am not ready to give up on him and us just yet... still hoping I can get things back to how they were when we were both happy.

Well it would appear the shit has hit the fan!!!

Had 'the talk!' earlier and allegedly there is nothing wrong so it's me that has the issue.

He pretty much told me how lucky I am to have him and that I wont find better so I'd be best to stop complaining and realise how good I have it.

He has stormed out and has turned his phone off. No idea where he has gone and if/when he will be back.

Feeling like total shit and obviously have a lot more to think about now. Dont even know where to start. Feel like I've made a massive mistake by even mentioning anything

WTF am I supposed to do now???

My friends mother went on a visit to Prague and fell in love with the place. She hated her job, all the kids were gone and was in a massive rut. She loved her husband but wanted to move to Prague and have a change.

They packed everything up, bought a pub and lived there for four years until the grand kids came and they moved back.

The point is. While she loved her husband, she was miserable in the other aspects. She spoke to him and they went off on a wonderful adventure together.

That's the kind of relationship you want. On who listens to
You and doesn't try and dictate your feelings. How dare he tell you that you had better be happy. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life. Been told when to be happy or not.

He maybe happy with this life, but he needs to find himself a girl who is also with that life. While you need to find someone who matches you.

I didn't meet my husband til 27 and we went travelling around the world at 30 because it's something we BOTH wanted to do. So you have plenty of time to find your match.

Wow his reaction was pretty bad! Sounds like he was immediately defensive. Do you feel he took on board any of your points at all?

So he arrived home at 8.30 this morning (not unlike him as often after a row he will disappear for a bit!) He has said that he left to give me time to calm down, as my head was obviously a bit messed up for me to say what I did - Totally don't get this I was calm, and really don't think I said anything out of turn?!?

Actually feel like I'm losing the plot a bit now as it seems like the conversation he heard was not the one I think we had!

He has just told me that we can go down to the pub tonight as I am obviously not myself so going out would do me some good.

It's as if he hasn't heard anything I actually said and is just ignoring the whole issue which is making me feel like maybe I am being a bit ridiculous!!!

Nope. He is burying his head in the head. If he doesn't mention it, it will go away. And of course it is all you.

In the sand.

"He pretty much told me how lucky I am to have him and that I won't find better so I'd be best to stop complaining and realise how good I have it."

He's perfect and you should be grateful. Cheeky fucker! He's not willing to offer you anything that you don't already have. What is his answer to not having any sex? Does he think that's perfect, too?

Instead of going to the pub I think you should stay at home and have the same conversation but this time you might have to phrase it a bit more forcefully, and make it plain that you either need to work together or you'll go.

It may not be a 7 year itch. It may be a realisation that your relationship is not a good one.

Please don't have kids with him unless you sort this out, either with him, or by walking away.

Try imagining where you want to be in a years time, or 5yyears, or 10

He hasn't mentioned the sex side of things today, but last night that was obviously my fault too. It's seemingly unreasonable to want sex more than once or twice a month, and 'if I do want it then should be trying harder to get it?!?' I have always had quite a high sex drive and we used to enjoy a fairly heated and adventurous sex life, but he also commented last night that it's not his fault if I'm 'a bit of a slag!' Like I said though today it hasn't been mentioned.

It's his change in attitude and behaviour overnight that is getting to me. Last night he was angry, nasty and defensive yet today he is acting like nothing happened and it almost being too nice. Maybe having time to think over night has made him realise that things do need to change and this is him trying, but the cynical side of me doesn't believe that. The way he is acting now is bordering on being quite creepy, and I am actually finding it a bit unsettling - but I obviously can't say that him being nice is now making me feel uneasy! That would just give him more reason to think that I am losing the plot!!!

Maybe he's right and my head is a bit all over the place due to recent events... seriously questioning now whether there are any real issues to be addressed or if I just need time to get my head straight!