7 year itch?

[SimplyComplicated]

Anyone experienced the '7 year itch' and if so what did you do about it?

Been living with my partner since 2007, and recently have been feeling what I can only describe as being a bit bored in our relationship. Our sex life has become almost non existent, and after initially trying to get the spark back I now feel I can't be bothered even trying. I do love him and care for him deeply, but I just don't know if I can say I am still in love with him. We do very little to nothing together as a couple, and although we get on really well I can't help but feel we are more just like great friends now. I would not go so far to say I am unhappy, but certainly wouldn't say that I am happy either. I miscarried quite recently and think this may have possibly triggered me to start thinking about and evaluating or relationship. I don't really want to tell him how I am feeling just yet, as I know he will totally freak out and I would rather figure out if it just due to my frame of mind after our loss that is causing it. Feel really terrible as it feels as if I am lying to him and am being selfish and unfair.

Would really appreciate any advice anyone can give

(Apologies for it being quite long, felt good to be venting once I started typing!)

What an arse! Also I agree about him being a cheeky fucker who does he think he is?? Mr universe? You're lucky to have him? Don't let him manipulate the conversation round to blaming you and making you feel like your issues aren't important, I find that quite worrying.

OP, when I was 18 I began a relationship which lasted 7 years, we broke up because I realised I wasn't in love with him, although I still cared for him. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else because I hadn't been with anyone else (does that make sense?). I had never known any different so the thought of being single and meeting new people was scary. I also didn't want to have sex with him.

Eventually we broke up, and to be honest all I felt was relief, although yes I was upset. I then lived by myself, went travelling and had various boyfriends before meeting my now DH, we are married with children. It's only after meeting him I realised how wrong my ex was for me. Don't settle, whatever you do.

Agree with some other previous posters. It's quite likely you would feel this way after 7 years with another man. So I think it would be better to make more effort. What would happen if you suggested date nights, massages, movie nights etc? Make a list of your happy memories and your first date, what made you fall in love with him, then give it to him.

Just read latest updates. He's being an arse.

Errr....what a minute.

Are you actually insane? You speak to your partner about how you are feeling. He completely blows you off, refuses to listen to you, says you are unreasonble, then storms off. Then calls you a bit of a slag because you want to, you know, have sex sometimes.

AND YOU ARE SOMEHOW WONDERING IF HE IS THE ONE BEING REASONABLE?

Beforehand you were being reasonable. Now you are being crazy!! It's like you are believing what this man says to you, rather than what you can see with your own eyes!!

I am going to be blunt. There are two possibilities here:

1. He is lashing out because he knows that you are right and feels ashamed/guilty about it, but would prefer to simply deny it so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings.

2. He is just an out an out prick.

If number 1, then the only way this can work is if you give him space for a few days to think about it. Then next weekend ask "have you thought about what I said last weekend"? If he blows off on one, wait until he has finished then say "right. Okay then" AND LEAVE.

If he is that unwilling to even accept that there are problems in the relationship, LET ALONE discuss them or address them, then the relationship is over. There's no future with someone like that.

Originally I thought this was an issue that could easily resolved, but his pig arrogance and bad attitude means that's no longer the case.

I would actually advise you to leave.

PS, I forgot to say, if it's option 1 and you ask him about it again next weekend and he admits that maybe there were some areas where he agrees with you, or maybe you had a point, then you can work on it.

Firstly I would like to thank you all for taking time to reply to this, really think reading your perceptions of everything and the advice you all have given has kept me marginally sane over the weekend!

UPDATE (apologies that it is quite long)
Well yesterday was possibly one of the most bizarre days of my life. He blew hot and cold with me all day, going from being overly nice to a complete dick and back again.

He decided that we weren't going to the pub as his mates weren't going - I had thought that it was just going to be the two of us, but I wasn't that bothered as I wasn't mad keen on going in the first place.

After totally ignoring me for a couple of hours, he apologised and cooked me a lovely meal for dinner, then suggested we snuggle up and watch a film together. I was seriously starting to believe that maybe whatever it was that was broken in our relationship could be fixed.

We then went to bed and he initiated sex... not as spontaneous as it used to be, but I was still delighted. Got to it and although I didn't think he was as into it as he could be, I put it down to the fact that the realisation that I'm not happy was probably bothering him. As quickly as it started though it was then over! He had finished, I was nowhere near it. He actually laughed out loud at me as I was lying there confused and frustrated and told me "to deal with it... he got his" I went and slept in the other room as the thought of lying next to him after that made me feel physically sick. Didn't think it would ever have been possible for him to make me feel so worthless and used :-(

I haven't saw him this morning as I deliberately stayed upstairs so I didn't have to see him before leaving for work. He has text me though again apologising and saying that this weekend has been a nightmare and we will have to sit down and talk to make things work again. After seeing the side of him that I have though, I don't think that is something I am prepared to do.

I have taken the day off work to figure out exactly what I want to do. I don't think it is unreasonable of me to now want out of the relationship all together though is it?!?

how lucky I am to have him and that I wont find better

it's not his fault if I'm 'a bit of a slag

He actually laughed out loud at me as I was lying there confused and frustrated and told me "to deal with it... he got his

FFS this is unbelievable. If you were not sure before then you should be by now.
He has no respect for you or women in general.
He is an absolute cock.
Look up gaslighting. He is doing this to you which is why you feel like you are going insane!
My advice after these updates is:-

RUN FOR THE HILLS
They are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

No it isn't.

He is acting like a petulant teenager. He is behaving atrociously, and then pretending to be nice afterwards to make up for it.

You know what? Maybe that comment about "I got mine" could be out of embarrassment. But that doesn't excuse it in any way - it's still a really really shitty thing to say to your partner under any circumstances. The fact that he waited until the next day to even apologise...jesus.

So he treats you like shit, then says that the weekend was a nightmare (Because you voiced an opinion that the relationship needed a bit of upkeep! How dare you!) and now you guys need to sit down and chat about it, so he can - after making you feel worthless this weekend - tell you how stupid you're being and how everything is great, if only you would shut your mouth and accept him for the great, sexless, boring, stubborn piece of shit that he is.

No. It's not just that he has got complacent in the relationship, but that he doesn't respect you enough to listen to what you have to say and even consider that it might be true.

I think you would be well rid, to be honest. It might take you leaving for him to realise that you are serious. Maybe he will realise that things do need to change and he will put more effort in. Maybe he will pretend that's the case until you come back and then he will just go back to his normal boring routine.

That I don't know.

But I do know that someone who makes you feel used and worthless is not someone worth staying with.

I don't think it is unreasonable of me to now want out of the relationship all together though is it?!?

Absolutely NOT! You need to get out. He sound unhinged to be honest.

Not sure of your living arrangements but use today to either pack up his bags and kick him out or to pack up your stuff and get the hell away from this prick!

Do you have some real life support? Someone who can come and be with you? Family?
This is going to be hard but you can do it.
You can now live a happier more exciting life with someone who will love and cherish you and not call you a slag. I'm still that he actually said that!

I think he has now shown you your future. Something needs to be talked about, you go to him and open up.

He slaps you down , takes you on an emotional roller coaster, makes you feel used and cheap, then he wants to talk out this 'nightmare' you have created.

Can you imagine what he will do if you have screaming new born and you have had little sleep and you ask him to do something.

I think ending it would be a great idea.

Not unreasonable at all. His behaviour is awful, vindictive and nasty. Get out.

Oh sweetheart. Please get rid of him. This is NOT a normal bump in a healthy relationship, this is deeply disturbing and you deserve so much better.

I don't want to sound patronising but you are only 25, you have soooo much time ahead of you to find a great guy, and when you do you will realise how awful this one is.

I know it must be hard to imagine life without him but please trust me, once you are away for a while that feeling will fade and you will really enjoy life without him.

You need to trust that instinct you have now to stay away from him. I think his response to your concerns is disturbing and you should get some real life support while you figure out how to get away from him smoothly.

Yeah I definitely know what needs to be done...

It's his house so I'll have to be the one to go. No family closer than a six hour drive, but I have a few good friends that I'm sure I can rely on to put me up for a few days.

Honestly can't believe it has came to this. Never would have thought that a simple conversation about concerns I had would land me here

You poor thing. What an awful time for you, I'm glad you have some friends to help you out. It's probably too soon to think of silver linings but at least you are finding out what he's really capable of now, not ten years from now when it would be so much harder to leave. It must be very shocking, but you're doing the right thing getting out.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but I do think it's sometimes helpful to understand that the "7 yr itch" has a tentative and quite interesting explanation in evolutionary biology.

However, what worked for us when we were still swinging from the trees is not the best way for everyone in this day and age... and many, many people get through their 7 yr itch thankful that they persevered.

I hope your DP starts to see that he needs to make a bit of an effort though. There is no way this is your problem alone and just your responsibility to fix.

Ooh dear scrap that, have just read more of his comments

I don't like the sound of this relationship, sorry, but I would totally understand if you left him

YOU ARE SO YOUNG!

I would be concerned about the side of him you are now seeing and how he is treating you because you dared to talk about your relationship. You are doing the right thing getting out now.

Just received a delivery of a gorgeous bouquet of flowers with yet another apology on the card. First time he has ever sent me flowers and I am so angry and upset looking at them. I know he is deliberately trying to fuck with my head, and although it is working to an extent I have decided that I will be gone before he gets in from work. I know avoiding him might seem childish, but I can't bear to listen to anything he might have to say right now. Unable to go to a friends until tomorrow, so have packed a bag and have booked into a hotel for tonight. Just now need to give myself a kick up the arse to actually leave the fucking house... I know it's what I need to do but letting my head convince my heart to do it is so difficult!

Avoiding him is NOT childish. You are being very sensible and strong here. I know it's hard but listen to your head.

It is normal in a relationship to have problems and discuss them, even to argue and get angry, etc. The way he responded to your feelings was NOT normal and I would not believe anything he is doing right now to get you back onside. I think the way he treated you in bed is very chilling, and a truer reflection of what he thinks about you.

You know what?

Good for you.

He thinks he can make you feel like some kind of by the hour prostitute and then make up for it by sending some flowers?

Fucking cheek of it.

I bet you no end he calls you "unreasonable" and "hormonal" for moving out rather than falling down on your knees in recognition of his pathetic apology.

Fuck that noise.

I think it's much more sensible to leave now rather than put up with another 6-12 months of hot/cold/bastard/lovely before realising it's not going anywhere.

He sounds like a "Nice Guy" (TM). If you don't recognise the expression then maybe check out some of the feminist threads, lol.

Good for you OP. You are doing the right thing.

Just be prepared that when you have gone he might not be that pleasant, texts, phone calls etc.

Judging by this new behaviour I mean.

Finally found the balls to actually walk out the door! I sat and started to write down all the things that I thought were initially making me unhappy (just for myself not to show to him) and on reading it back I realised that the relationship maybe was never as good as I actually imagined.

I've now noticed that for years he has been pretty controlling and manipulative, but I was mistaking that for him showing how much he loved me. Despite us getting on great most of the time, it would seem that that has mainly been down to the fact that I would normally go along with anything just to keep him happy. Also realised that when we did argue (not often, but when we did it was normally a major blow out) that 9 times out of 10 I would be made to feel that it was my fault so again would go out of my way to try and smooth things over.

Can't believe I am actually saying this either, but I am now thinking that miscarrying has actually been a blessing in disguise, as there is no way that our relationship was a suitable one to bring a child into.

Checked into the hotel and think I'm away to go to the gym to blow off some steam before the inevitable texts and phonecalls start!

Thank you all so so much again, can't begin to explain how much the support you have shown has helped me.

Hi Simply - I am half overjoyed and half heartbroken.

I'm really happy that you are not prepared to simply lay back and accept this behaviour, and that you recognise how much more you are worth.

At the same time, even if you know it's the right thing to do, I don't underestimate how sad you must be feeling.

I am sorry that it has come to this, but I am glad that you left. Judging by his behaviour, and by what you added just now, I honestly think you are better off without this man.

Yeah not going to lie, I'm hurting quite a bit. Keep trying to remind myself that I have done the right thing and that all negatives far outweigh the happy times I am remembering.

He has tried calling a few times and has been texting, I have only replied once to let him know that I am safe and well and that I just need to be alone right now.