Oh FFS, who does that??!

[TheBookofRuth]

My two year old DD has a temperature and isn't very well. I've been up for the past two hours trying to get her back to sleep, and finally succeeded and started to go back to bed - only to walk face first into our bedroom door in the dark.

I hit it with enough force to make me fall over backwards, narrowly avoiding falling down the stairs - I'm 34 weeks pregnant. It really fucking hurt - there's a huge lump on my forehead, I have a headache, my nose and lip are sore and swollen, and I'm quite shaken up.

DH got up to see what the noise was, got me some paracetamol at my request - and then went back to bed. DD of course got woken up again by all the commotion, and was quite distressed, so he's gone back to bed and left his shocked, injured, pregnant wife to cope alone with his sick child.

Who the fuck did I marry?

Badvoc2 - It didn't take you long. . .

Further down my thread, I listened to many of the lovely mumsnetters who told me to take a good look at myself. They also told me to sort out my drinking issues as I have young Children and drinking could have been the root of it and so I did and stopped drinking.

As it happens, DH and I did look at my post & realised were both being twats from time to time. So were on the verge of laughing about it. . .didn't quite laugh but might do one day.

TheBookofRuth - I have read my other posts in this thread and see that I have been offensive. Im sorry, I just wanted to get my point across. It seems that as soon as people disagree with your point , they lambast you. No excuse though.

It is so sad to feel that way. My Ex was the same. I had a cancer scare and he ended up taking me to my hospital appointment, (I was perfectly capable of going alone but he did insist). He ended up shouting at me for the entire journey. I cant even remember what he was shouting about. Not once did he ask me why I was going to hospital. No interest whatsoever.

I went in and waited to see the consultant on my own, just happy to get away from him. The waiting room was full of other patients, they all had someone with them to support them. :(

Luckily I was fine but that day I realised that I had to get out of that relationship.

Greedy...I am glad. Also glad you have apologised to the op.
Op...did you get the dr to give you a Swift check over...BP etc?

Have her stand in the bath on a non-slip mat, run the cold tap, stand by with a big enough easy seal sandwich bag?

Sorry, that was to OP about her DD, obviously.

I thought I recognised greedy. Am glad you are taking steps. Your thread did alternate between help and harsh so to hear you are working through it is heartening.

It also explains your posts. Maybe posting as you wish others had to you might be better next time?

Op, hope your head is ok. Sending love. No help. Unsure right time. Sounds like venting. Very understandable! Maybe re post in day or two? When things calm a little. Hugs til then

On the night I gave birth to ds2, my now ex, watched me carry our sleeping ds1 (then aged 3) upstairs to bed.

15 hours after giving birth and halfway up the stairs I felt the most horrendous pain in my stomach....

Ludoole :(
Donkey :)

Urine samples in nappies are easy. Put loads of cotton wool balls in the necessary position in the nappy, once she has weed, squeeze them out in to sample collecter. Jobs a good'un. DS is in nappies and has regular urine samples. It's how they do it in the hospital.

Thank you Trazzles and Donkey for the wee collecting advice, and thank you greedygal for the apology.

DH is home, but I have found it very hard to speak to him about this. I feel - and some of you may think this is an overreaction but I can't help how I feel - like I can't trust him anymore. If he could leave me alone when I was in pain, shocked and upset, with a poorly and distressed child to care for, how can I trust that he will ever be there for me when I need him? I have to give birth in a few weeks and I'm already scared about this due to bad experiences with DD and this has just made me feel worse about it, because I don't know that I can count on his support.

This isn't the first time. A couple of weeks ago he went out with a mate and got so drunk that he was incapable of looking after himself, let alone me or DD if we'd needed him to. This is a high risk pregnancy for a number of reasons, one of which is increased risk of premature labour. If I had gone into labour that night, I'd have had the choice of going to hospital with a drunk birth partner, or leaving DD in the care of a drunk.

At 15 weeks I tripped over one morning and fell and hit my head hard on the wooden surround of our bed, twisting my neck badly enough that it turned out later I'd given myself whiplash. I was alone with DD, in lot of pain and scared to get up off the floor in case I injured myself further. I rang him at work and got a very similar "what do you expect me to do?" reaction to last night's. Fair enough, actually there wasn't much could do, but he could've at least calmed me down and called someone who could help me.

I know he loves DD and will love DS but it's hard to believe he loves me and cares about me when these things keep happening.

Can you get someone else lined up as a backup birth partner? Friend, sister, mum?

My mum would be there in a heartbeat if I asked her, but I don't feel I can deprive him of being there for the birth of his son.

I don't think you're over reacting. He's demonstrated, more than once, that if you're frightened, and in pain, he's got nothing useful to say to you and doesn't really want to help.

That's bound to have affected your trust in him, to say the least. :(

I'm glad your mum would help you. Please don't rule her out, you need practical backup.

You aren't over reacting.
You have one mentioned 3 worrying episodes that are all fairly recent when he has behaved in an uncaring way towards you and your unborn child.
Only you know if this is the true him or if it is some sort of aberration.

You're not over reacting. But I do think its worth speaking with him and making him realise just how much this has shaken your faith in him. Include his usual pattern of behaviour and let him know that's not acceptable either.

Oh, and the birth is about getting the baby out safely rather than a spectator sport. You need people who are supportive of you there. He could still be that person, but he needs to step up big time.

Book you could line up an additional birth partner, or a doula and also have DH there.

I just don't think I really understand that someone wouldn't be wide awake and concerned if their pregnant partner had had such a nasty injury. I fell down the stairs not long after DD was born and DH was horrified. Didn't want me to use the basement stairs again without him in the house. He also gets up before 6am and works hard and does bedtime. Some men do.

I don't understand that either. He said that he "didn't really know what was going on" because he'd just woken up. I said that he knew I'd hit my head and fallen over, and surely that was enough?

Ok, so he was groggy, but that's no excuse for just leaving you to it - you might have had concussion fgs!

Poor you, he has no excuse because their isn't one that could justify turning over and going back to sleep while are you hurt and have to deal with dd.

Selfish prick.

I hope your head is feeling a bit better now.

not making excuses for your DH but some people are just useless at dealing with others in pain e.g. they have an actual fear of it. if this is the case with your DH possibly this is an issue he needs to be aware of and to make a conscious effort to address and get to the bottom of why he finds it difficult. either that or he may have to accept he is uncaring and lazy

If he could leave me alone when I was in pain, shocked and upset, with a poorly and distressed child to care for, how can I trust that he will ever be there for me when I need him? I have to give birth in a few weeks and I'm already scared about this due to bad experiences with DD and this has just made me feel worse about it, because I don't know that I can count on his support.

this you need to tell him about. maybe in a letter or an email so he can process it without feeling pressured.

a doula may also be a really good idea for you. I have heard they can be really, really good if you are feeling stressed about a birth. and not nearly as woo woo as it all sounds

wishing you all the best for your forthcoming joyful event

Agree with Peas

You need to tell him like the way you've told us. That because of his behaviour, you feel you can't trust him anymore to support you when you need it.

Has it always being like this or is it something that has become more and more apparent in the last few months/years?

He may actually have been groggy and not really aware of what was going on though - my DH has been similarly insensitive to me to be honest (going out with his DB to get pissed the night I found out my cousin had jumped in front of a train for example, leaving me at home pregnant and distraught) although not to the point where I was physically injured. He is a bit thoughtless. He also doesn't wake up very well, and isn't really with it in the middle of the night at all. I'm basically happy to make allowances for that and I let him know when I feel like he has really let me down and he tries harder. Not to say I don't still resent it, but it's easier to let go than to bear the grudge. I would rather be married to him that anyone else I know. I'm also aware he has loads to put up with from me, and does so with relatively little complaining.

You sound tired, anxious, scared and in pain. Also, a teeny bit clumsy, is that a pregnancy thing? Genuine question, I've become a bit of a butter fingers, but sounds like you've hurt yourself a lot recently, and is it something you can try and protect yourself from more, maybe with his help? Could you set out firm boundaries for him, so 'I need you to do x,y and z' or 'it is dangerous for you to get drunk at the moment as I need you and DD needs you'. That sort of thing?

I am very clumsy and have always been accident prone (have wondered if I'm mildly dyspraxic) and, yes, it does seem to get worse when I'm pregnant. Not sure if because the bump alters my centre of gravity, or because I don't sleep very well or what.

I am not normally the sort of person to hold grudges, which is part of why I'm finding this hard to deal with it, because I can't just put it behind me, and normally I would have done by now. We have been through a hell of a lot together and come out the other side. But this time it feels like something is...broken.

He has always been - I don't want to say selfish, that seems harsh, let's go with self-absorbed. His mum worships him, to an embarrassing degree (I adore my DD but I'm aware of her faults, MIL genuinely seems to believe that her little boy has none!) and to the almost total exclusion of his poor sister. So maybe he's never got over that feeling of being the centre of the universe, I don't know.

He always said one of the things he loves about me is that I make him be a better person. But I don't know how much longer I can do that, especially when after over a decade together he doesn't get that he needs to step up and take care of me when I've had a shock and am injured.

The thing that is broken, do you want it fixed?

Yes. I love him very much. But I don't know how to make myself to get over this and trust him again.

I know I found melodramatic, I just felt so abandoned.