Oh FFS, who does that??!

[TheBookofRuth]

My two year old DD has a temperature and isn't very well. I've been up for the past two hours trying to get her back to sleep, and finally succeeded and started to go back to bed - only to walk face first into our bedroom door in the dark.

I hit it with enough force to make me fall over backwards, narrowly avoiding falling down the stairs - I'm 34 weeks pregnant. It really fucking hurt - there's a huge lump on my forehead, I have a headache, my nose and lip are sore and swollen, and I'm quite shaken up.

DH got up to see what the noise was, got me some paracetamol at my request - and then went back to bed. DD of course got woken up again by all the commotion, and was quite distressed, so he's gone back to bed and left his shocked, injured, pregnant wife to cope alone with his sick child.

Who the fuck did I marry?

Poor you, you are not overreacting at all. I left my ex h after a similar incident- after a lot of issues and taking me for granted the thing that clinched it for me was falling down our front steps on some ice. I was lying on my back in the front garden, dd in her buggy screaming having watched me fall, called him on his mobile to come help me and he took 10 minutes getting dressed first because he was getting ready for work. I just realised I couldn't trust him to look after me.
Nobody knows what might happen in life, you could become ill, depressed, disabled. Would he be there for you? I knew with my husband that the answer was no, and left.

My twat husband, who I later divorced through DV, also didn't react at all when I slipped down the stairs. Didn't even ask if I was ok and he was in the next room on the sofa.

My friend with the abusive husband also had to problems in him taking her to hospital when she dislocated her thumb recently, even though she cared for him through his knee injury.

These "little" things are just small events, but I do think they show us how our OHs care for us, or not.

greedygal what you have put sounds really, really nasty. Would you leave someone who was in pain? Would you literally shut the door on someone who has been hurt?

I'm not saying LTB but I am a bit worried about how you would react to others if you think it is okay for someone to walk away from even a stranger who had just been hurt. Getting someone paracetamol isn't always the total sum of what you do for someone in distress.

If you saw your husband fall and visibly hurt himself, would you give him some paracetamol and then just walk away?

....and, ime if you treat an adult man as a child (no responsibilities, coming and going as he pleases, little thought for anyone other than themselves) he will, generally, act like one.

Im not part of this 'you work Husband AND do everything at home ' generation

That is how you feel about it but would you not feel a little distressed if you injured yourself and your DH had to be prompted to render any assistance and after doing so disappeared without a backward look?

Glabella what extraordinary behaviour of your ex.

nothing nasty.

greedygal - I'm happy to say that I'm odd and I will stand by saying that what you posted sounded really nasty.

Effectively what you said was it was okay for the OP's husband to ignore her being in pain and shocked. I think that is nasty.

It is really upsetting to have someone who is supposed to love you walk away when you are hurt and frightened. You have been clear that you think it is okay. Does your husband know that you think it would be okay to walk away from someone if they were hurt and upset?

Greedy you are value for money I will give you that :)
Every poster has said your posts are nasty and not at all helpful to the op who is physically and emotionally hurting.
But no...it's not you, everyone else isn't it?

Badvoc, that's not fair.

To answer your question directly, BookofRuth - someone with little or no empathy.

I hope you're not in too much pain today. What a horrible shock for you.

...btw this attitude is personality driven and not generational.
I have a (much) older relative who has never behaved like that towards his wife, and never would.

Ok, greedygal, I'm not going to argue with you anymore because you've clearly got your own stuff to deal with. I hope things get better for you.

Thank you to everyone else for the support and empathy.

TheBookofRuth hope DD is better today and that you are not wobbly on your pins.

Regarding DH, he is saying all the right things but not actually doing much if anything? The old buy-her-a-gift-to-avoid-further-telling-off is very wearing.

I recall a MN thread earlier this year where a MNer admitted she didn't notice things needed doing because she was unkind, just to her they were invisible and of little consequence to her, because she wasn't the one having to deal with them every day.

Yes he works, so isn't able to juggle it all, but should definitely re-adjust his ideas. If DH never takes the initiative, you having to nag or chivvy him along still leaves the burden of responsibility with you.

Steady on, Badvoc2.

Thank you Donkeys. Just got DD back from the doctors - where she did the typical toddler trick of having a miraculous recovery the minute we walked through the door. Doc thinks it's probably a urine infection, so I now have to get a sample from non-potty trained DD!

Will have a talk with DH tonight. The problem is we've been here so many times before and nothing ever changes for long. It's either feast or famine - something like this happens, I point out that he's behaved rather badly, and he goes to the opposite extreme, half-killing himself trying to do everything. Of course he can't (and shouldn't) sustain that for long, and he soon drops back into old ways and we stumble on until the next time I get pushed past my limit.

I don't actually mind doing the majority of the childcare and domestic stuff, especially as he does work very hard. I just need to know that I can rely him to step up when required, and that I'm not going to be left to struggle on when I clearly need his help.

"... Im just a nice woman thats all. Im kind and considerate, thoughtful..."

So kind, considerate and thoughtful - as your posts to the OP have amply demonstrated, greedygal!

Why steady on?
Poster called me nasty - I am not.
I just dont like bullshit.
Greedy....I hope you get some help and that things work out for you.
Op...ditto.

OP your dp sounds a lot like mine, in fact your last post rings very true! I have started to respond less to his needs as a result. Not what I wanted, but after many years I can now see it's unlikely to change. He thinks his life is too stressful which is why he's like this. Only doesn't seem able to change the stressful parts of his life!

I don't know as much as many on this board, so with that in mind, have you thought about relationship counselling? It sounds as if he doesn't get the bit where you need him.

It may be that the instinct to help you never kicks in but could you agree to something like a code word which you can say which means, 'you have to step up now because I need you now when at other times I'm happy to muddle along'?

How are you feeling in yourself? How is the head? Good luck with DD - I know someone who ended up squeezing nappies.