I am behaving awfully, I know.

[NotACinderella]

And I don't care very much.

I fear I've reached that point. There's so much s**t one can take.

I don't like it but it feels as if I haven't got it in me to do anything else. But I am saddened at this new me. I am saddened to have gotten to this point. I am saddened to make dh feel awful. (I know he did it to me but I fought against being the same).
I am saddened and scared to have reached the point where instead of looking at the boy behind the man, I look at the man that stands in front if me and, more to the point, at ME before them, iyswim.

I am Elsa hurting everyone, walking away up the mountain and building her fortress. (No wonder I cried everytime I watched that!).

What now?

What is the nature of this behaving awfully and who is going to be damaged by it?

Good point.

The nature is pain and hurt and not caring anymore.

Not sure yet who's going to be damaged. All of us? Dh and I? One could argue we are already damaged. The children in the middle? Who knows...

Ok so too much has happened, you have been pushed over the edge and now you don't care. That is making you sad.

Tell us more. What has happened?

Is it time to call it quits?

I admire you by the way, we can all behave badly under pressure. The secret now is to imagine yourself two years on from now. How do you want to look back and see yourself sorting things out?

Well I'd say look at the woman right now, forget about the man for a bit.

What do you want? What would need to happen for you to wake up in the mornings glad to be alive and at peace with yourself? What can you do to make that a reality?

Ok.

1. What happened. This is my story, undoubtedly dh will have a different version but this is about me.

I haven't been listened to for ten years. I had to shout, cry, go mental everytime I wanted to put my point across. Sometimes it worked, painfully for all involved, sometimes it didn't, same pain.

I've been pushed into a life that is not quite me, that does not make me happy, and that does not suit me, through emotional blackmail (which of course worked because I let it, pushing exactly my weakest point).

I have been accused of being ungrateful, selfish, the worst wife because of my failure to accept and be happy with what I was given.

But I never wanted to be given anything. I thought we'll get everything together.
Dh wanted to provide for me and give me the universe. I kept saying I did not want the universe. I wanted us to built our own world. He kept saying I should accept as all his strenuous efforts to get it would otherwise be wasted. It is his role: his to die for me, me to celebrate his labour.
I thought him dying would be such a waste, what about all the fun? All these things to do together? All this life to be lived?
I am too tired for this, he said. You can afford such thoughts as your life is, thanks to me, free from real pressures, he said.

(We have two dc. I never wanted to be a f/t sahm. Dh does no housework except for mowing the lawn. Dh says I am not grateful for what I have. I said I earnt it. He says I am not grateful. We disagree.)

The same old story. As boring as it sounds.

2. what do I want.

To live a life in which I am a protagonist.

3. What does it need to happen?

I need to be on my own.

4. what can I do?

Detach myself for the emotional tangle that is suffocating and blocking me.

Awfulness explained. If I am nice nothing is going to change. I am pushing dh away to get enough space to jump.

I think.

(Sorry long )

Something2say, thank you. Now I admire myself as well. I have survived.

Frankly, it sounds shit. You've been pushed into a role in life that isn't the one you want to have, and then told to be grateful you're allowed to play it. Okay, you get to live in a gilded cage as it sounds like you have quite a nice lifestyle without having to go out and earn money, but in return you are treated like an appendage. No right to your own wishes, own ambitions, own decisions.

Stepping outside the cage is going to be tough for you, after years of having your spirit wrecked by the sound of it. But if it is what you want to do, it is your choice alone. You don't need your DH's permission - that's sort of the point.

You have one life to live.

What will happen if you get yourself a job?

SO you are living with a man who doesn't consider women human, basically. You're there to feed his ego and serve him.

No wonder you feel bad. It will probably help to realise that your H is not, actually, a wonderful man with your best interests at heart. He is a selfish misogynist who considers you somewhere between a pet and a domestic appliance. Someone posted on a Relationship thread some years ago a brilliant definition of this sort of man, along these lines - he will say that he loves his wife in the way that some people say they love their dogs.

Someone who loves a dog will see that it is well fed, has a nice place to sleep, is stimulated (to an extent eg given toys and taken for walks). IF the dog is ill or in pain, proper and relevant medical treatment is provided. It's treated with affection; it's not kicked or hit or chained up outside.

But it's a dog. There may be rooms, or items of furniture, that it's not allowed to make use of. It's not allowed out on its own. It's not consulted about where it lives, when it's fed, when it goes to bed. It doesn't get to socialise independently, or make decisions.

It's a dog. And this is how men like your H percieve women.

I have a job at the moment. Is a "little job", as it has been called ( not maliciously mind ) suitable for "my position": iwithin school hours, so nobody works more loses out.
Is not making anyone rich but helps. Very disproportionate compare to dh's wage though so still considered a hobby, especially because I love it.

Lifestyle of whole family is good yes.

Happy to be attacked or criticised. I need to see it from other point of views. I know mine inside out.

Okay so reframe Lweji's question. What would happen if you got yourself a full-time job?

Solidgoldbrass, spot on. I've said it myself. Not on that thread. To him.

I have countless examples but will not bore you. And feel bad, still, to talk about dh behind his back.

Tbh, i treat the dog better, I give the dog what he wants, not just what suits me.

Do you have equal access to money?
Who makes financial decisions?

Tribpot, what do you mean what happened? If I go out and get myself a fulltime job?

"How could you? What about the children? Who'll look after them? What about all their activities? I cannot take days off/reduce hours/help on sick days. I don't want my children to be latchkey (correct?) children".

No equal access.

When I left my job after dc2 was born I tried to discuss new finanial arrangments as surely I would not go from having my flat and my job to nothing. Total refuse to share his salary in joint account. After many years, and many arguments, salary is shared unequally.
It is akways mentioned in arguments as "how many husbands do you know share their salary with their wives!?"

A lot of other money on his accounts, "his" money, as inheritance.

Forgive Wrong punctuation and typos and grammar.

I couldn't live with someone like that, OP. You don't really need a reason to leave this marriage if it is making you so unhappy. Your children need to have a happy homelife more than all the material trimmings.

My mother was a SAHM until my father left. My older sister, who experienced it, said it was awful as our mother was so depressed all the time.

That is abuse, you know that, don't you? :(

So, for point 4)

You sound like you are reaching your rock bottom and starting to detach. You seem to be concluding that there is no way you can fight this person, because he is not fair, won't consider your feelings and will grind you down.

So, you can start on your leaving plan.
Get legal advice. Do you have enough money saved? Regardless, you could demonstrate financial and emotional abuse and get legal aid.
You can contact WA for practical and strategic advice.

Leaving time can be dangerous, so make sure you are safe.

What do you answer when he asks that ludicrous question?

Because I don't know any men of our generation who DON'T share their salary with their wives. It is family money.

1. You do not have to be "grateful" for something you never wanted in the first place.

2. If he doesn't want his children to be latchkey kids, then he can stay at home and look after them, can't he. Then you can earn the money, deny him access to it and see how "grateful" he feels.

3. He is a prick.

Oh, btw, he knows he should share. He just doesn't want to.

This man sounds really abusive :(

Yes, this man is very abusive. He WILL NOT EVER change or improve, so it's time to work on getting rid. Firstly, quietly and discreetly get some legal and financial advice, because his initial line of attack will be to insist that if you leave, you will be penniless and never see the children again. This is, of course, bullshit. He is not in charge, not above the law and doesn't make the rules.

Secondly, have a chat with Women's Aid who will offer you help and support. If there has ever been any physical violence, or nasty tricks such as locking you in, taking/hiding your phone or money or cards, then it's worth having a chat with the local police DV department - a man whose goal is to control and possess you becomes dangerous when he discovers you are planning to leave and you may need back up.

Thirdly, remember that this man is your enemy. Because he is. He means you harm, even if he says that he wants to look after you. He wants you reduced to the status of a domestic animal, something less than human. So don't feel any moral ambivalence about hiding things from him and decieving him when you need to in order to make your escape. He has forfeited any right to consideration from you.

That's insightful sgb and scary too.

What SGB says above.

This is an abusive relationship OP, and you need to be careful how you get out. Follow her advice and call Women's Aid etc.

I wouldn't push now for longer working hours before you get divorced as being the primary carer it will make it easier to get full custody.

I would focus on how you're going to get out with advice from WA - the legal, financial and practical aspects, while making sure he doesn't know what you're planning.