I am behaving awfully, I know.

[NotACinderella]

And I don't care very much.

I fear I've reached that point. There's so much s**t one can take.

I don't like it but it feels as if I haven't got it in me to do anything else. But I am saddened at this new me. I am saddened to have gotten to this point. I am saddened to make dh feel awful. (I know he did it to me but I fought against being the same).
I am saddened and scared to have reached the point where instead of looking at the boy behind the man, I look at the man that stands in front if me and, more to the point, at ME before them, iyswim.

I am Elsa hurting everyone, walking away up the mountain and building her fortress. (No wonder I cried everytime I watched that!).

What now?

Sorry

I didn't mean to patronise you. I just wanted to make sure you were clear about where you stood. It's hard to maintain a perspective when someone is browbeating you. Knowing it logically isn't the same as believing it deep down.

Keep that fighting spirit and stand up for what is right. You've put up with a lot and now is your time to push back for your children's sake as well as your own. They may be happy but they are not learning about healthy relationships when there is such an imbalance of power in your household.

I am now divorced.

The marriage itself was going nowhere and I could see him clearly getting the worst traits his father and mother had.

It will take a bit of time but you will work out that this is all going to be on you. You will make the decision, you will drive it. I have all the 'we have to try, why aren't you giving us a chance we can make this work' and it has taken every ounce of strength to say no - i fight such a huge urge to say of course we will try and make it better to take away his pain, the children's imagined pain, my pain and fear. This is not a little thing it is HUGE. Give yourself time though, you will have to confront him sooner or later - you know that. I agree about the going back, i have become so steadfast and stubborn in this. Saying NO I DONT WANT TO TRY is counter to every voice in my head except the people who know and love me best who tell me they have never seen anyone try so hard for so little in their lives. As the saying goes - i give people more chances than i should but once I'm done I'm done. XX

Golmantra no apologies I know you were not patronising. thanks for the flowers anyway . It's true that one loses perspective and I certainly did to some extent as I did accept it. In therapy I got an understanding of the part I've played. So I get what you are saying. I guess posting here is for that reasons: to hear enough "this is not right" to push you.

Because in rl often a friend would say, "yes that was bad but my dh did this and your is good when etc".

Lweju, oh yes I can see that too...i take it you are happily divorced?

Mumontherun I look up to you.

Yes, happily. :) At least much more than before.

NotACinderella your life sounds bloody miserable.

12 years ago I felt like you. In many ways, I thought, our life was OK. I felt a bit guilty about breaking up because he wasn't hitting me, it was just emotional abuse.

It's only with hindsight that I see how appalling his behaviour was, how lonely I was in the relationship and how utterly appalling our role modelling of adult relationships would have been.

The thing about breaking free, is that it leaves you time to be the mother you want and the person you want without that drain on you. You will be OK. You will be happier and your children will know that they don't have to settle for shit.

FWIW his behaviour is abusive, even if you wouldn't categorise it as abusive. He just doesn't care about you as a person, your role is to facilitate his life. You've got your own life and no-one's going to facilitate that but you. Good luck.

And no, wanting your life to be lived for you and not for someone else, is not behaving awfully, it's being a full human being.

Thanks askbasil.

You are right. And tbh if my life is not a complete misery is die to my ability and determination to enjoy my life as much as I can.

And yes it is abusive. And yes I am a facilitator. I can see that to a poiny but I am sure once it is over I could see it even more. That's why all your input are so welcomed and helpful.

I tell ypu where I am.

This aft I went to see a friend who has an 8 month baby who has never slept. He wakes up three four times a night. She also has two older children at primary.
Her husband comes home at lunch time from some errands and about to go to work. she'll be with three kids till late night. despite having the baby and a friend as soon as he walks through the door she gets upand says, "i'll get you some lunch" and off she goes.

She believes that to be right. Despite lunch being already in the fridge and needing only to be reheated and the husband being an adult. (Who will make her dinner later?). So the lunch gets warmed up and put on a plate with hot tea etc. then a cake is served. The husband 'nicely' offers to hold the baby.

She thinks it is right to do so. She might not like but she believes in roles -bullshit etc

I think this is utter crap! My dh wants this. I don't do it. If he'd married her he'd be happier. She'll still be unhappy of course. Because this is hiw world I become a rebel. I think I am just normal. He think he is modern for having such a wife.

See for this friend my dh is far from abusive, is "just a man" and I am asking too much. I know it is not the case but even if it was who cares!!!

I want to share my house with an adult!

Motherontherun's point that the marriage doesn't have to be abusive for you to leave is absolutely true. It's also true that you have the right to classify your relationship how you like.

The reason people here are pressing on you to recognise abuse is because abusive men behave very differently when challenged or left, and you need to be prepared for this.

You seem to be hoping that he will either change or let you go without a fight. If he's abusive he's not likely to do either, although he might pretend to be reasonable for a while. His whole sense of self may be predicated on keeping you under control. If you start to challenge that he may panic & you could be facing a whole range of behaviours you had no idea he was capable of: intensified verbal/emotional abuse; complete financial cut off so you have no access to money at all; threats to harm the children or to take his own life etc. Anything to get you back in your box. Many women in your position find themselves bewildered by the reaction they find they have to confront. And many like you, feel that describing their situation as abuse is a 'fabrication' because - well he's not violent, he's not bad enough.

I would be delighted if these warnings are un-necessary, and you find you can cut free with no problems. If not, forewarned is forearmed...

Sorry typing on the phone in the park. You get the gist.

Dont want him to change. He won't. Plus too many things to be changed: impossible even with best intention.

Frankly, what I truly want is to be on my own! Truly.

Great point about classifying my rel however I like. Will rember that!

I hear you. And you are right. Nobody is going to lose all these advantages without putting up a fight. I'll prepare myself.

Not looking forward to the weekend.

Make sure you have independent access to some money in case he tries to cut you off financially. You need something for you and the children to live on while things are sorted out.

God yes Twinkelstein is so right.

It's not just what abusive people do that counts, it's what their mindset is. And as long as you're roughly doing what they want and they're getting what they want, they'll behave reasonably OK for much of the time - there's no need to be openly, obviously abusive and obnoxious. When you stop them getting what they want, by splitting with them, that's when they will start doing all the abusive things they would have done before if you hadn't been pacifying them and giving them what they wanted.

How many times do we hear women saying they would never have predicted he could have behaved like that?