DP's jealousy and controlling behaviour is pushing me away. (long, sorry)

[ohmygodjustgivemeausername]

NC'd as you can probably tell.

So my DP of four years is being a completely unpredictable monster at the moment.
I'm certain he has some kind of bipolar as his moods are all over the place. He's already on citalopram but it's not having any effect apparently.
I don't want to make him sound like a total bastard but quite frankly, that's what he's being at the moment.

He's always been quite an insecure person but never on this level.
It all started when we moved in to our new house last year.
Before we moved I never really socialised as I was busy with our two DC ( now
three and nineteen months) and the area was rough to say the least so I didn't go out.
We moved to a lovely area in the countryside and I've felt so much happier here,
Made lots of friends, my mum lives a few doors away etc etc so I actually have a social life now.

We also have a male mutual friend who we see a lot, he knows the whole family, has a child the same age as my eldest and they get on so well, so we meet up a lot while DP is at work too. (He lives a few houses away) He's a good friend to all of us and when we moved here I imagined We'd make mutual friends anyway, but DP has such a massive problem with him although gets on with him really well when he sees him. We have talked about it on many occasions, I have constantly reassured him that this friend is just that and that I would never cheat on him (which I wouldn't dream of) I've even offered to stop seeing him but DP says not to, and that he'll stop getting funny about it etc. But it just seems to be getting worse.
I can't go out for the day without him getting pissed off, he wants to know every little detail of every day and if God forbid I miss something out he'll have a go at me for "keeping secrets", I can't pick my phone up without him asking me what I'm doing, he's really forceful when we hug/kiss, sexual relationship isn't bad but often it happens because he won't take no for an answer so I just give in. I can't share anything on Facebook without it being questioned, I can't get new clothes or dye my hair without him thinking it's to impress other men, if I miss a call from him he starts messaging me asking where I am, I can't even go into a different part of the house without him looking for me.
He's constantly looking for reassurance and if he doesn't get it he gets stroppy and unreasonable, and he can't contain his bad moods in front of the kids either despite the fact I've asked him over and over not to get angry in front of them.
I'm walking on eggshells even though I've done nothing to jeopardize our relationship, it's all in his head and although I do understand to a degree, the fact that this friend is like a brother to me and is meant to be one of DP's best friends (they have gaming days and everything) I don't get why he gets so worried and jealous. He doesn't like the fact that I do things without him (can't be helped considering he works full time) and I need to live my life without feeling guilty.
We're in the middle of arranging our wedding for next year (I've even blabbed on about it to this friend) but at the moment I don't particularly want to marry him. He's being selfish, not considering the DC's feelings when he flies off the handle, always expecting everything and everyone to revolve around him and I just wish he would grow up and stop overthinking everything. He's just pushing me away with his attitude, I feel a bit like a prisoner in my own home and I really don't know what to do to help him.

What do I do?? I do love him, and if he could just relax and be happy in the knowledge that I'm with him, have two DC with him, a house etc then he'd realise there's nothing to worry about, but no matter how much I try and reassure him, it's never enough.

Please don't marry him OP.

sexual relationship isn't bad but often it happens because he won't take no for an answer so I just give in.

This behaviour has a name. :(

And your partner isn't jealous, he's emotionally abusive. He will get worse. I'm not usually this blunt, but please get out now.

How long has he been on the citalapram? And what led to him being on it? If medication is not working, then he may need to go back to GP and report this. Sometimes it takes several changes of AD to find the one that is right for one's physiology.

Once he's got his depression sorted, his behaviour may change. Of course, it may not.

I agree with PP.
He sounds horribly abusive and controlling, as you've already figured out judging by your title.
I'd write him a letter, outlining everything as you have done in your OP.
He needs to understand that you won't put up with this awful bullying.
If he doesn't shape up, then it's time for him to ship out!
This is unreasonable behaviour.
And definitely, do NOT marry this vile man!

Oh yes, I forgot that part of your OP. Being depressed has nothing to do with not taking no for an answer, only (perhaps) with low esteem and anxiety.

I think reassurance is completely the wrong tactic. Jealousy to the level you describe is straightforward emotional abuse and therefore you should not pander to the bullying but challenge it and reject it at every opportunity. If he is depressed or insecure or anxious it is not your problem to fix, it is his. If he is taking medication but behaving the same way or worse then he should go back to the GP. As is stands the picture you're painting is of a selfish bully not a sick man.... and they are ten a penny, I'm sorry. Particularly once a woman has children.

In short, if he is scaring you or unsettling the DCs then he should get out, get help or both.

'no matter how much I try and reassure him, it's never enough'

It will never be enough. Even marrying him will not be enough (if that is what you are hoping will happen).

I feel sorry for both of you. He is unhappy and tense and feeling lots of awful emotions and having a bad time. But as you say, these feelings are all coming from his imagination, and it's not right at all for them to be impacting on your normal every day life in the way they are.

You should not be walking on eggshells
You should not be living under control
You should not be giving in to sex

This is not a healthy, happy relationship for either of you.
Don't marry him while it's like this.

I think he needs to return to his doctor. This paranoid behaviour is destructive for your family, and he needs to accept that, and get help with it.

If he won't, please start thinking twice about this relationship. He won't get better on his own, there's nothing you can do to make him better.
That's if you are sure it's a mental illness thing and not just his being an abusive person controlling you. If that might be the case- run. Even if it is mental illness, it's impossible to live like this and he needs to get treated.

I think if you love him and want to stay with him that it should be on the condition he gets help with his behaviour towards you. He sounds quite suffocating tbh. This relationship model is not good for your children either. It's no coincidence that he's the way he is, he probably saw this behaviour growing up. Children just take things in.

I think if he doesn't get help and you marry anyway his behaviour might intensify.

It's so difficult to judge.
I've known him for a long time, I know what happened in past relationships (I was friends with the ex that cheated on him many times with other women in their own house) I know the ex that used him for his money and I know the ex that was suicidal and anorexic. He gets terrible anxiety and panic attacks and I do believe he's extremely insecure due to past relationships.

of course it doesn't excuse his behaviour but I personally think that he is severely depressed, it took me months and months to convince him to go to the drs about it, which resulted in the citalopram - he's been on that for about four months now and at the start you could see the difference, he was really happy and relaxed but obviously he's come full circle and of course now I am worrying if he is just abusive because surely the medication wouldn't just wear off like that?

Again I kept on at him to go back to gp to talk about it, and they've said he needs to finish what he has left and then they will change it.

The thing is, DP has said many times that he hates himself for what he's doing, he wants to change, etc. I will readily stand up for myself and have told him I don't deserve this and nor do the kids, that if it carries on then we need to rethink our relationship (to which he replied with a string of stroppy answers) and I always say he's being immature/unreasonable/ridiculous when the situation calls for it.
He'll back down and apologise and all of the rest of it, but it escalates again after a few days. I just can't be dealing with the drama all the time, the lost puppy act.
I don't want to break the family up, I really don't. However I feel incredibly restricted by him. I'd understand if I was going out and drinking and flirting etc but I don't. I'm just a normal 'housewife' with nothing to hide but he doesn't trust me anyway.

Also, he is a lovely person. The kids adore him, he's funny, he's helpful, he's intelligent.
But when this jealousy kicks in he turns into a spiteful schoolboy.
It's exhausting.

Saying he hates himself is a manipulative 'feel sorry for me' remark that has little to do with you. Apologies, wanting to change and so on mean nothing and are merely empty promises if he carries on the same way.

You said he's been DP for four years but you've known him a long time. When did this selfish/jealous/abusive behaviour start?

I will readily stand up for myself and have told him I don't deserve this and nor do the kids, that if it carries on then we need to rethink our relationship (to which he replied with a string of stroppy answers) and I always say he's being immature/unreasonable/ridiculous when the situation calls for it. He'll back down and apologise and all of the rest of it, but it escalates again after a few days.

IMO this is where things are falling down. He is showing appalling behaviour, you tell him if he doesn't change the behaviour, the relationship will end, he doesn't change but you still stay. He knows that you won't leave, he has no incentive to change.

Oh, and I'm not saying that to be mean - I'm saying it because I've been there, done that. If you say "change your behaviour or I will leave" you need to follow through or there's no point saying it at all.

He won't change - in fact he will only be as nice as it takes to persuade you stay.

You will be posting the same thing in 20 years.

Get out now.

(And buy Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that?")

Op this behaviour is concerning.
run for the hills - once you are committed it is difficult to get out read some threads on here to do with emotional abuse it will help you with your decision.

So it's not jealousy as such but a need to control who I see, where I go etc.

We've broken up a few times, we've been through a lot of shit actually.
I was under the impression that we'd moved past all of that and had both grown up alot and were happy.
Until this friend came along we were moving along quite nicely.
I've always known he can get like this, and until now I have accepted it as we always seem to get through it, but now it is becoming a big problem and it's affecting the way the kids see him etc.
I don't feel threatened by him, but I do feel like he's trying to control me and I'm constantly being watched.
It's difficult to talk to him because he immediately gets defensive, tries to twist everything so I'm in the wrong and if I'm being totally honest, I just don't have the energy to battle it out. I've always tried to be reasonable when talking to him,
But it's nearly impossible and almost always ends in him crying on me.

He says he couldn't live without us, he could never be a weekend dad, he doesn't want to lose me etc etc. Admittedly I do end up feeling guilty and not wanting to rock the boat, and also I don't want to be alone either, I'm not afraid to admit that.
It's just that every day I'm wondering more and more if there's any way this can really work.

You've been partners for only four years and, if your eldest is three, then you didn't have a lot of time together before DCs. Not as a couple although you say you knew each other previously and you've 'always known he can get like this'. Did you feel sorry for him after the behaviour of his ex? Think you could rescue him? That he would be a different person for you if you were sympathetic and kind?

Being a couple is a very different dynamic to being a friend. It can take a year or so to start seeing someone in their true colours. Abusive/controlling/bullying behaviour often only emerges with the arrival of the first child

Of course it's difficult to talk because, when dealing with a selfish person who uses manipulation to get their own way, they don't want to change. Sure, they talk about change and beat themselves up and say they love you and can't live without you .... but at the end of the day it's always the same. 'This is how I am'... take it or leave it.

I'm sorry you're frightened to be independent because that's where the threat lies. In the face of being alone you will continue to rationalise his behaviour as not being all that bad.

Yes medication can become less effective. How long till the end of his course of citalopram?

Op his behaviour is escalating beyond which is anything near reasonable, I don't think this is depression as such more like manic episodes because there is no sense of reason behind his behaviour.

I also don't buy the he adores or the kids adore him bit, if your on egg shells then so are they, kids miss nothing and when they are young they lack the skills to communicate their fear so show it in other ways.

It worries me that he has said he couldn't live without you or them etc, that sounds like a threat either way I think you may need to start seriously thinking of a safe exit strategy and he does not sound to stable and isn't getting any better.

You sound like you want to support him and have suggested reasons why he is like this, but to be honest your not dealing with somebody who is trying to reason his way through this, he needs you to be exactly where he needs you, and over time that still will never be enough. He needs professional help not antidepressants they might mask some of the feelings but will not deal with the cause.

My last point is you've said he knows he is doing this? If he truly has this much insight then why does he not do something about it, I wonder if his other relationships were really all about their behaviour or whether he had some responsibility.

Please, please don't marry him.

Cogito - I suppose I did think he'd be different with me, yes. I knew I wouldn't treat him badly and of course I sympathized with him for all that his ex's had put him through. I knew he was a 'needy' person anyway, and up until I had the kids, I was too.
But I got over the initial insecurities you have at the start of a relationship,
Because I felt that we were secure as a family so there was no need to worry.

There is a pattern emerging where he says he'll change, get counselling blah blah, and it never happens.

I don't want to be alone, I don't want to find anyone else, I just want him to sort his act out because I do love him. I do think I've done all I can though, which is unbearably sad. We both grew up in one parent families and I don't want it to be like that for our DC, but if he really is just an abusive twat then they're in danger.

pussycat I'm not sure, a couple of weeks I think.

Get rid. As fast as possible. This is the most dangerous and harmful type of abuse there is - men who are obsessively jealous and sexually abusive are the ones most likely to kill their partners. You may have to plan carefully as the danger increases when the man suspects you are planning to leave - if you need to involve the police or Women's Aid then don't hesitate.

Getting well - if it's illness and not just entitled abusive misogyny - is his responsibilty, to be done with the help of medical professionals. But you are not obliged to sacrifice your wellbeing and that of DC to this man's unreasonable behaviour.

Do you actually go to his appointments and are hearing this yourself? Or is he telling you this?

I'm merely asking because you would not believe the utter nonsense my stbx would come home with after an appointment.

• "GP told me I have to stay on these meds for x amount of time, even if they don't work."
• "GP told me it's okay to drink alcohol while on antidepressants."

and my personal favourite...

• "counsellor told me that even if I'm abusive, that until I figure out why and how to fix it, you have to just deal with it."

Laughed until I cried on that one. What a twat.

No, I don't go to his appointments as it never occurred to me he would lie about it.
Perhaps he is.

I've just spoken to him on the phone.
He got shitty this morning with everyone which is what made me post on here.
He said he was sorry for being so miserable all the time, that everything at work is getting to him (again, could be lying/making it sounds worse than it is)
Said he was picking up more citalopram tomorrow which didn't make sense to me as I thought the Dr was changing the type, but apparently he's putting the strength up.

Anyway, I said he needs to sort it out because it will be affecting the kids,
and that I feel like I'm tip-toeing around him all the time, to which he replied "oh God, don't feel like that."

The thing is, there's always something for him to moan about, always something making him act this way. Work, having a cold, bills, kids not sleeping properly, etc.
He said it was a one off (!!) I said it wasn't. He said he'll sort it. We're just going round in circles.

" I just want him to sort his act out because I do love him"

He currently has no incentive to sort his act out and every incentive to stay the same. There is no downside to his behaviour. Nothing bad ever happens to him. He may beat his breast for effect but his life carries on as normal with his lovely home and his lovely family still there in spite of everything. If you love him as you say you do, stop reassuring him and instead provide him with some motivation. It will have to be something that severely dents his comfort if he's going to take it seriously because right now all you're getting is lip-service.

" there's always something for him to moan about"

Of course there is. That's how the 'poor me' con works... Even if you weren't frightened of independence, 'poor me' lays a lot of guilt on the victim. How can you possibly LTB when he's sick? having a bad time at work? taking the medication? saying sorry? hating himself..... blah, blah, blah... ?