DP's jealousy and controlling behaviour is pushing me away. (long, sorry)

[ohmygodjustgivemeausername]

NC'd as you can probably tell.

So my DP of four years is being a completely unpredictable monster at the moment.
I'm certain he has some kind of bipolar as his moods are all over the place. He's already on citalopram but it's not having any effect apparently.
I don't want to make him sound like a total bastard but quite frankly, that's what he's being at the moment.

He's always been quite an insecure person but never on this level.
It all started when we moved in to our new house last year.
Before we moved I never really socialised as I was busy with our two DC ( now
three and nineteen months) and the area was rough to say the least so I didn't go out.
We moved to a lovely area in the countryside and I've felt so much happier here,
Made lots of friends, my mum lives a few doors away etc etc so I actually have a social life now.

We also have a male mutual friend who we see a lot, he knows the whole family, has a child the same age as my eldest and they get on so well, so we meet up a lot while DP is at work too. (He lives a few houses away) He's a good friend to all of us and when we moved here I imagined We'd make mutual friends anyway, but DP has such a massive problem with him although gets on with him really well when he sees him. We have talked about it on many occasions, I have constantly reassured him that this friend is just that and that I would never cheat on him (which I wouldn't dream of) I've even offered to stop seeing him but DP says not to, and that he'll stop getting funny about it etc. But it just seems to be getting worse.
I can't go out for the day without him getting pissed off, he wants to know every little detail of every day and if God forbid I miss something out he'll have a go at me for "keeping secrets", I can't pick my phone up without him asking me what I'm doing, he's really forceful when we hug/kiss, sexual relationship isn't bad but often it happens because he won't take no for an answer so I just give in. I can't share anything on Facebook without it being questioned, I can't get new clothes or dye my hair without him thinking it's to impress other men, if I miss a call from him he starts messaging me asking where I am, I can't even go into a different part of the house without him looking for me.
He's constantly looking for reassurance and if he doesn't get it he gets stroppy and unreasonable, and he can't contain his bad moods in front of the kids either despite the fact I've asked him over and over not to get angry in front of them.
I'm walking on eggshells even though I've done nothing to jeopardize our relationship, it's all in his head and although I do understand to a degree, the fact that this friend is like a brother to me and is meant to be one of DP's best friends (they have gaming days and everything) I don't get why he gets so worried and jealous. He doesn't like the fact that I do things without him (can't be helped considering he works full time) and I need to live my life without feeling guilty.
We're in the middle of arranging our wedding for next year (I've even blabbed on about it to this friend) but at the moment I don't particularly want to marry him. He's being selfish, not considering the DC's feelings when he flies off the handle, always expecting everything and everyone to revolve around him and I just wish he would grow up and stop overthinking everything. He's just pushing me away with his attitude, I feel a bit like a prisoner in my own home and I really don't know what to do to help him.

What do I do?? I do love him, and if he could just relax and be happy in the knowledge that I'm with him, have two DC with him, a house etc then he'd realise there's nothing to worry about, but no matter how much I try and reassure him, it's never enough.

Cogito has it spot on here. My stbx would blame me for his depression, rail at me for not "understanding" his depression, and in the same breath moan about how he was horrible and I was kicking him when he was down. Poor poor him. It's ALL. ABOUT. HIM. (still is, actually, if you listen to him - thankfully I don't, as we're separated)

Yes this is very true.

I'm so worried though that if I turn around and tell him to leave, even if it's until he can prove himself, he's going to take it the wrong way, it'll be really messy, it will unsettle the DC's, I won't cope without him, it'll make the relationship even worse etc.

I don't know how to get it across to him that if he could just take a step back and look at himself, the way he's behaving, then he might put the effort in to sort it out.
He does need a reality check but I'm too much of a coward to give him one.
I just don't know where to start.

"he is a lovely person"

Refusing to take no for an answer when it comes to sex, being obsessively controlling about your behaviour and losing his temper in front of the children are not the characteristics of a lovely person. Yes clearly he has serious issues, but they're his problem and you can't solve them for him. You need to look out for yourself and your children first.

So that he doesn't take it the wrong way you tell him that you can't marry a man that is as possessive & controlling as he is. ... and that's got you thinking that if you can't marry him, where is the relationship really going? So you think it's better he steps out and stops upsetting you and the DCs while he takes the time to get the help he needs

He is not going to take a step back and look at himself until and unless he is forced to. If you keep backing down, he'll think you're just making a bit of a fuss about nothing much at all. You can't change him or his behaviour but you can decide to change things for yourself.

he's really forceful when we hug/kiss, sexual relationship isn't bad but often it happens because he won't take no for an answer so I just give in.

I don't know if you have a daughter or not, but look at this comment you made. If you had a daughter who was in a relationship and she came to you and said this.... what would you tell her?

You may well "love" him but he does not love you in the same way; you are there primarily in his eyes to be used and abused by him. Do you actually know what a healthy and mutually loving relationship actually is because this surely is not it.

Honestly you'd be far better off on your own.

What do you get out of this relationship exactly?. What needs of yours are being met here. He was never yours to rescue and or save either from his own self (he does not want you to help him anyway and such types also hate women; all of them). Your relationship is perhaps really one of unhealthy co-dependency rather than love.

Is this really what you want to model to your own children in terms of relationships?.

Do not under any circs marry this man; you will be trapped even more if you do so, such men do not change. You have a chance to leave; grab it with both hands!!. You need to get him out of your day to day lives because all he is doing at present is dragging you and your children down with him.

Womens Aid can and will help you leave him. Controlling men like this one do not let go of their victims easily and you need to stay safe in your dealings with him. This man wants absolute power and control over you.

Look too at what you were like before getting together with him and compare that image to the person you are now. He will not stop at destroying you and your children totally.

His jealousy is now an obsession.

You are actually feeding the obsession by constantly reassuring him. It doesn't reassure him, it just creates the dynamic whereby he needs your 'proof' to know that you are not cheating, rather than just using his own reason and logic.

Obviously, you are not to blame - he is for getting himself into this state and abusing you.

However, if you constantly reassure him, his behaviour will get worse unless he finds his own way of reassuring himself, if that makes sense.

If you stay with this man, your children will have similar relationships as adults.

You need to do the right thing for you, your children and him too. You are not a supportive partner if you are helping to feed his obsessions. You are enabling him.

Oh, and a man that 'doesn't take no for an answer' with regards to sex is abusive. You should have left the first time it happened. On what planet is that ever acceptable?

I would tell him that, if that ever happens again, you will leave. If he does it again, he doesn't respect or love you, so leave

This man is sexually abusing you and you are making excuses for him.

Depressed people do not sexually assault their partners because of their depression. They sexually assault their partners because EVEN BEHIND THE DEPRESSION they are abusive, sick, power hungry fucktards.

I think you should really take a look at some of the other threads of women in abusive relationships and I think you will recognise this pattern of "HIDEOUS HIDEOUS//PLEADING PLEADING//RATIONAL NICE NICE//HIDEOUS HIDEOUS".

Many women describe it as Jekyll and Hyde. Your partner doesn't sound any different.

Whatever you feel about you, put to one side for now. Are you really going to allow your children to grow up in an environment where their mother is suffocated by their father, and constantly treading on egg shells?

Sounds like my ex. I stayed for 6 years, he nearly broke me with his jealousy, controlling behaviour, forcing sex on me and DV. I became a shadow of my former self. I lived on my nerves, walking on egg shells, never knowing what was coming next. Never going anywhere except work and the supermarket, God help me if I was a bit late back.

My Mum said I looked like someone from a concentration camp (exaggeration but I was very thin and gaunt).

Please, don't marry this man and make your plans and to leave.
I know it is easy to say but is this what you want the rest of your life to be?
He won't change, I promise you that.

He rapes you. End of. You can't carry on with him. You need to get rid, for your children's sake if not for your own.

Certainly a lot to think about.
He definitely doesn't rape me, I will say that.
He's not sexually abusive, he's just extremely persistent and I give in to him because I do say no an awful lot. I know that sounds like I'm making excuses for him but honestly, I think it sounded worse in my op than it was meant to.

It's been ok until now, with this friend around. He's never been this paranoid before.
I never would have classed him as an emotional abuser, just a very broken man.
I know it's not my place to fix him, and yes it is affecting our daily lives,
But he's amazing in other areas and I would be heartbroken to lose him.

It's certainly interesting to see your opinions, and I really do need to give him some incentive. We can't go on like this. I'm going to see what medication he comes home with tomorrow, and go from there. Of course if that doesn't help then he probably is just abusive, so I suppose there'll be no hope if that's the case.

he's just extremely persistent and I give in to him because I do say no an awful lot.

please just read this to yourself. you say no and he harangues you until you give in. that's sexual abuse. at the very best.

depression doesn't make a person sexually abusive. being sexually abusive makes someone sexually abusive.

all abusive people are nice to their victims. that's how the abuse cycle works. otherwise how else do they find victims? few people stand for bad treatment ALL the time.

interesting that he's had so many fraught relationships up till now
wonder why

What he needs to be told is this 'If you care about us you will understand that you are making our lives unbearable and you need to move out and concentrate on getting well. When you are better, we will talk again.'

Unfortunately, telling him this is going to be dangerous. I think you need to alert both Women's Aid and the police DV unit that you want to get rid of this abusive man who may have mental health problems and enlist their help.

Oh god. I'm dreading the next few weeks.

It's so hard to look at it from an outsiders point of view.
If I was looking in, I probably would be saying the same as you lot.

How do I detach myself?

OP, the medication will not stop his jealous behaviour , his sexual 'persistence' or his need for control.

There's no point waiting for drugs to fix that.

Op

There is a very real chance you are in a dangerous position, he is gradually shutting down your avenues for free thought and possible escape.

Some of us on here know the signs professionally and personally we are not trying to use scare tactics on you, we are scared for you lovely.

Issues of abuse aside , this much is clear , and I think it's been lost in your post. Everything was ok until you developed a friendship with this male friend. You say things were ok between you and you were planning to get married. You also refer to male friend as being like a brother , which to me suggests an intimacy that shouldn't be there.

I have a thread on here. I'm 15 years down the road from you. My DH is 'lovely' (lol!) THEY DO NOT CHANGE.

There is no pill or therapy that cures asshole disease. And that's what your DH has. He will never be fixed or better.

Get out now.

I'm sorry, but what you describe IS rape. Not taking no for an answer is a euphemism that victims of rape by people they're in a relationsip with use to comfort and delude themselves. Not taking no for an answer and the woman giving in IS rape. Legally, morally, and from any basic common sense and decency. You are allowed to say no forever, and he has no rights to any sexual contact with you.

He is controlling, jealous, suspicious, moves the goalposts so you always lose, rapes you (denying this might be easier, but is doing you no favours), and blames you for his behaviour. This is not just classic abuse, this is extreme abuse. This is far above the level at which it would be professionally and legally considered abuse.

All abusers can be lovely - when things are going their way and when it suits them to be. If they were bastards all the time, no-one would stay with them. But the loveliness means zero here - the truth about him is that he is a controlling, obsessive, abusive rapist. There's no 'he's lovely but' about that. The true him is the abuser.

You can't change him, you can't help him. And you should not and must not take that responsibility. If he wanted to change, he would do. If he cared about what he was doing, he would do everything he could to change, depression be damned. He knows what he's doing. He wants to do this to you.

Ask yourself if you'd do any of the things he does or says to you, even if you were depressed. You know it wouldn't even enter your head to do any of it. And why? Because you genuinely love him, are a nice person, and don't get results from abuse.

And above all, do not delude yourself for a minute about how badly this is damaging your children. This is a hideous, toxic environment for them to grow up in. Don't say they don't see it, because abusiveness pervades every aspect of the family. Your home is currently a training camp for future abusers and victims. You say it would be heartbreaking to lose him - as heartbreaking as seeing your daughter be treated this way when she's an adult? As heartbreaking as seeing your son treat a woman this way?

Badbalding - even if there was an intimacy between the Op and her male friend, that still has not bearing on how her DP is behaving. He is choosing that behaviour and is 100% responsible for it.

Also, WTF do you mean about the brother reference indicating intimacy?! What creepy planet are you from where brothers= attraction?!

Everyone belongs to him/herself, not to any sexual or romantic partner, or to a parent, an employer or the state.

Jealousy is not a pleasant emotion to feel, but it's not a pleasant one to be on the recieving end of, either, and it cannot be used as an excuse or justification for mistreatment of a partner.

Being dumped or betrayed hurts, but shit happens. Breaches of monogamy, or fear of a breach of monogamy is no excuse for rape, violence, harassment, control or abuse of the cheating partner.

If your partner cheats on you, however angry and hurt you may be, the only ethical sanction is to terminate the relationship. People are not property.

OP don't let anyone make you think that your friendship justifies your revolting partner's abuse of you. The problem is your partner. He is a shit.

Don't put words in my mouth Oxford , I don't care for it. If you didn't understand what I meant by that comment then be civil and ask for clarification instead of making stupid fucking remarks about brothers equalling attraction.

The Op has said several times he's not raping her and that he's not being abusive. She says he's jealous and insecure. That's why I've said abuse issues aside.

This is an emotionally abusive, sexist, controlling man

Sorry OP - that is his character and AD's aren't suddenly going to change the makeup of him.

I see that of course, he is able to be perfectly reasonable with the very same male friend he harangues you about. He is able to reign it in when he wants to, isn't he? Unfortunately not when it comes to you, as he has no respect for you.

I dont mean to sound harsh here but it is what it is. If you marry and make a life with this man he will take away all your good years and have you old before your time, and your DCs could very end up full of resentment for the fraught home atmosphere they've had to endure. Not to mention the very poor example it will set for their future relationships.

If you do marry him it won't be long before you are barely allowed to go outside. Is it worth it?

You mentioned his ex cheated on him. Its a justification excuse for inappropriate behaviour towards you. As if you were selected to do penance for what another woman has done. Irrational, and unreasonable. I hope you do the right thing and put yourselves and DCs 1st. You deserve to live peacefully and happily

badbalding - what people call something and what the truth is legally and morally are often not the same. It does not mean the subjective opinion is correct. Heartbreakingly, multiple women are on here every day swearing blind that what their OHs are doing to them is not abuse or rape or whatever, when quite clearly it is. I refuse to help people in lying to themselves and minimising the truth and extent of the seriousness of their situation, because that is colluding with abuse and does not help them or their DC. What the Op describes is very obvious abuse and rape (or sexual abuse, if you will). That she can't or won't deal with the truth of what they are doesn't mean they are not those things.

And you plainly stated that seeing someone as a brother indicated intimacy to you. I didn't pull that out of my arse.

OP, DeeeCeee makes an excellent point - he is able to control his behaviour around this specific friend, and others too, isn't he? Which means he is also able to control his behaviour towards you, isn't he? Except he's not. This isn't a result of depression, stress, a bad relationship history, whatever, it is very obviously him choosing to control and abuse you because, for whatever sick and pathetic reason, it suits him and serves him well. You are not the whipping boy for his past upsets, nor his present ones.