How have you dealt with role reversal? SAHD

[Kefybaby]

DH was made redundant a while ago. With one preschool DC and another one on the way it made a lot is sense for him to become a SAHD, especially as he was struggling to find another job. Luckily my salary could cover our costs and we saved a fortune on nursery fees.

A few months forward and I wonder about the impact this has had on our relationship. DH is a great dad but at times seems to be totally fed up with looking after DC. He is very isolated from adult company and frustrated he does not have enough time to pursue his business ideas. When I am back from work he locks himself in the study to do some work on his business ideas and does not emerge until past midnight. We hardly ever do anything together as looking after DC has become shift work due to the fact that we have no external help.

I wonder if he resents this situation. He does not seem to care about me at all, which I find very upsetting. I find it hard to talk about this to anyone in RL... I just feel that we have lost our connection and our feelings for each other. We are planning for a few days of childcare in a few months to give DH a bit of breathing space. I hope it will not be too late by then... I do not know if this is purely due to the "role reversal" but it does not seem to have helped...

Have you talked to him about this ?

Ask him if he would like to go out tomorrow night. Then ask him how he is doing and whether he is happy, because you are worried about him. Then listen.

I think the isolation is a real worry. DH became an SAHD partly because he has an illness anyway, but as he loathes the school gate and can't really stand any big social occasion (great with up to about 4 people) there was a time when he really hardly spoke to anyone during the day. Not good. Suggestions from me didn't really cut it, he had to find his own way (which he did, eventually, but also with help from health care professionals).

You don't mention talking with him about ' what to do? If you feel so unhappy, you need to be able to talk to him about the possibility of drifting apart and him appearing not to care about you. What vibes are you giving out to him ? Do you respect him in his new role? Does he realise the danger his marriage is in ? How does his not caring about you manifest its self? Is there anyway of organising some time when you could go out together. It sounds as though you could both do with some fun. He may well be depressed about not being in the traditional male role and perhaps aught to be applying for jobs again. You need to talk to him about injecting some life back into your marriage.

My DH is a SAHD. As with SAHMs, some will love it but some won't. We're lucky as we chose to.do.it this way and although I'm a bit envious, it works really well. I'm on mat leave with DC2 at the mo but when I'm not about (and now I am), he/we go to different classes and groups everyday. Some are free/50p/1 and it means that DC are challenged and stimulated so don't really whine etc, we speak to adults and we get ideas for songs and activities etc to do at home. Other men do go (many shift workers and a few other SAHDs) but, on.days where he is the only fella, he gets celeb status and we rarely make it round the supermarket without him being greeted by a young family.

Just a thought.

Can you not use a nursery for a few mornings/afternoons a week to give him some time to himself?

Maybe take him a cup of tea when he shuts himself away, ask him what he's doing, try and find a connection to his life as it is now?

My OH stayed at home from 6-12 months and he was climbing the walls by the end of it, drove us both crazy.

A friend of mine's partner tried this. He managed about 5 months with 2 DC under 3 and then threw his hands in the air and said he HAD to return to work. He is a really good dad, but as you say in your OP he simply didn't see another adult all day. I kept on trying to invite him out to the park or suggest soft play/trampolining etc, but he didn't like talking to other parents much, and so declined. I used to turn up and look after them for an hour or two with DD and he'd pop out to the shops or have a bath or whatever. Personally I think it is hard for men to admit the need/would like a break from it all or ask for help.
I lso know a single dad who said parent and toddler groups were horrid. He felt he couldn't talk to anyone in case they thought he was trying to chat them up and only 1 other dad was at nearly every single group and all the rest were women. It can't be easy when you feel like the odd one out!

"I kept on trying to invite him out to the park or suggest soft play/trampolining etc, but he didn't like talking to other parents much, and so declined"

When I was being a part time SAHD I went to the park, tumble tot's etc for my daughters not for what I could get out of it and I have to say I was accepted most of the time (apart from one tumble tot's group which even the group leader said was a horrid group of witches). I didn't want to do it, the kiddy socialising bit, at first but for my daughters sake I done it and I'm pleased I did.

Yes, I always got the feeling that if he had gone to a few he would have had a good time, but it wasn't really my place to make him! FWIW his wife doesn't like going to them either and so never pushed it. They are both in FT work now and kids at nursery.

We role reversed because exH had developed social anxiety and wasn't able to work.
He sometimes said that he'd rather be at work and I still did about half the work (or more) with DS and the house.

It sounds like he is desperate to get his business ideas off the ground, but I'd also wonder if he wasn't doing something else when locked in the study.
Has he actually produced a business idea? Do you even talk about it?

Are you pregnant now or have you had the baby?

I am overwhelmed by being listened to and by having good points being made to me.
I know he is unhappy. He constantly complains about his life having got to nothing after all these years, the fact that he is struggling financially at an age when he should be enjoying a good life etc. He wants more from life but his skills are in a sector with a lot of competition from young graduates and ever diminishing salaries. I am not sure I have been a good enough listener to all this...
He is going to some playgroups and classes but does not find them to be as good fun as I used to find them when I was on maternity leave. I think women tend to isolate men a bit in these environments and SAHDs are still rare.
I have encouraged DH to do an evening course one day a week in a subject he enjoys. This gives him some good me time, but he has not met many interesting people.
I find it hard to open up fully to DH. His defence is attack and I hate confrontation.
I think he finds me very demanding in my expectations of his daily "performance". I do get annoyed if the DC end up in McD for the second time in a few days and when I have spent the previous evening cooking for the following day. I do get annoyed if he forgets to hand signed letters to the school. I expect him to do as much as I would have been able to do but I still have to do all the cooking, most of the shopping and a lot of the tidying up (he also does a lot, but with two young DC it is a lost battle). I think he hates me for all my moaning and I hate him for hating me.
It is true that, other than the fun we have with the kids, we have lost the fun in our lives. We cannot afford baby sitters to go out and we are too tired to even watch a movie at home together. At least when DD1 was going to nursery and we were both working, we both had time for her and for each other in the evenings.
DD1 is starting school in September and we are looking to send DD2 to nursery a couple of days a week. This should help. I am however worried that we are too broken to be fixed.

DH is SAHD, and has been for 2 years now.

Things generally work well, DC are at school.

I have found that he does need his space at weekends, so though I used to resent him playing golf at the weekend and not doing family stuff, I now realise this is what keeps him sane. In winter ( less golf!) he get tetchy, especially when I am working late and he is coping with DC

I'm sure you can bounce back from this. Have you spoken to him about your plan for Sept? Maybe having an 'end' in sight would help? Could either of your parent's have them for a weekend? Even if you just stay home with films and take-aways in bed it could help you re-bond?

This sounds quite bad - it sounds as if your lives have become very separate am recognising a huge amount of what you say

And the communication between you has become very poor for all sorts of reasons.

Do you have any family help at all? Could parents/siblings come and look after the children at your house for a weekend while you go to their house? A change of scene, no shed to retreat to, no laptops, just time to talk?

Lewji, I have had the baby and she is now over 1 y.o. I have been back at work for over 9 months, which is how long DH has cared exclusively for both DDs in the day.
DH has always been ambitious and has had a small e-business alongside his main job, which he has further developed over the last few months. We talk a lot about it and I am happy to pay for DD2 to go to nursery soon so that he can develop it further. It will not make enough money to cover the nursery fees but it is good for our sanity...

DH was SAHD from when youngest (now 14) was born. He now works part time in a NMW job.

In all honesty DH loved it. He treated being SAHP as his job. The household ran like clockwork. He made sure that over the weekend only the barest minimum of housework needed to be done so that we were free to go out and about.

Financially it means that things are tight but the benefit for the children has been enormous. Oldest will be off to university soon (A levels willing). I work long hours, so having DH at home more than me means that DCs continue to get the support they need.

It doesnt work for everyone but it worked for us.

We do not have any family around to help, unfortunately. It is really hard going...

Gnome, this is such a positive story!

OK. I would say don't panic, in that I believe it's quite common for parents of children that young to hate each other

Having said that, action needs to be taken. Our sanity saver was a babysitting circle. I know it sounds such a cliche to have a 'date night' and it doesn't have to be called anything, but spending time as a couple is the single most important thing you can do for your relationship. If you don't ahve a babysitting circle locally, talk to your DH about you both starting one up.

Joan, I am also coming to the conclusion that paying for babysitting every now and then is a good investment.
I hope you are right.

Something which was key for us was that DH has always been Dad. He did things in a Dad way. DCs all learned to cook but they also learned how to use tools in the garage. When DD1 learned to drive DH made sure that she knew how to do basic car maintenance (vital with her rust bucket!). DD1 will go to university with a tool kit along side the cups and plates.

During the time he was FT SAHP we moved abroad with my job so there was no family help available. There werent the soft play centres and also because of language difficulties DH wasnt keen to go to parent & child type groups. Instead DH took the DCs to the zoo, to children's farms, to museums. When family visited he would take them all out on trips to local tourist centres.

Once all three DCs were at school DH had more time for himself. He used some of that time to restore a couple of motorbikes.

We didnt really plan all of this. DC3 was an unexpected surprise and DH's job was looking shakey. DH staying at home seemed logical.

The thing about a babysitting circle is it is free. We were fairly low on cash but swapped babysitting time with other parents. Frequently all we did was go for a walk or to the pub for a bit. But even a half of lager and a game of pool in the local can make you feel muy human after years of mum and dad stuff.

My ex was a 'sahp' for years. We discussed him going to work but he always had an excuse why he couldn't or wouldn't...various illnesses etc. He didn't do much round the house and spent a lot of time in bed or pretending to be an artist, gardener, script writer or poet while I went to work and he spent the cash. Eventually I found out he had been seeing other women behind my back. He still doesn't work and kids are teenagers now. He's got a new woman who works now and keeps him. Why am I writing this? Just in case anyone else has one of these 'poor new men'

Dh is going to be a sahd soon and has been off before. Its better for him as he looks cooking and all the other stuff I dont reallly do. He says its his calling type of thing which for me is always work so all good here.

Dh is sahd. From the start we had some child are because it was too much for him full time. Same for me - I had help with ds from 7 weeks once a week for a few hours while on Mat leave. Some people just need to time off.

One thing that jumps out at me from your post is that you a re still trying to take the primary carer role - preparing meals, worrying about school letters etc. I say this as gently as I can - but you have to stop. Dh sees takin care of ds as his job and if I step in it not only undermines him, it makes it very difficult for the responsibilities to be clear. The only thing I now ever comment on is bed time because dh struggles to think about what time ds will need sleep. If they go to macdonalds twice in one week, tough. I might not do that but I am not the one at home looking after him. You have to trust him.

Also agree re babysitting circle. In our case it's just with one other couple. We do a night for them every month or so and vice versa