How have you dealt with role reversal? SAHD

[Kefybaby]

DH was made redundant a while ago. With one preschool DC and another one on the way it made a lot is sense for him to become a SAHD, especially as he was struggling to find another job. Luckily my salary could cover our costs and we saved a fortune on nursery fees.

A few months forward and I wonder about the impact this has had on our relationship. DH is a great dad but at times seems to be totally fed up with looking after DC. He is very isolated from adult company and frustrated he does not have enough time to pursue his business ideas. When I am back from work he locks himself in the study to do some work on his business ideas and does not emerge until past midnight. We hardly ever do anything together as looking after DC has become shift work due to the fact that we have no external help.

I wonder if he resents this situation. He does not seem to care about me at all, which I find very upsetting. I find it hard to talk about this to anyone in RL... I just feel that we have lost our connection and our feelings for each other. We are planning for a few days of childcare in a few months to give DH a bit of breathing space. I hope it will not be too late by then... I do not know if this is purely due to the "role reversal" but it does not seem to have helped...

I also never comment on what dh does as it has nothing to do with me and its his job not mine.

I totally agree with WorkingBling & melissa83. From very early on we established who was responsible for what. Then we stuck to it.

Perhaps I need to keep my mouth shut then!
DH finds it difficult to fit cooking and food shopping into the equation in a systematic way. He has sometimes made great meals, but most of the days I get a message before I leave work asking me what we are eating! Also, he is struggling with the notion that this is his "job". Often when I get back he just wants to hand over the DC and switch off (watch news, go through emails etc). We are meant to be sharing putting them to bed and lately I seem to be doing a lot more of this as "he is tired from looking after them all day long". When I point out that I am tired too and we are both tired from doing our respective jobs, it does not seem to matter to him.
I think he is generally going through a negative phase which seems to affect everything and everyone around him. I am finding increasingly difficult to cope with this.

Agree with the others that you need a sort of rota to stick to - maybe every other night you cook and on the nights you don't you put kids to bed?
Perhaps the two of you could spend an evening or weekend day batch cooking for the freezer so that there is a stockpile for the days you have both been too tired to shop/cook?

Kefy - the same thing happended to me and my DH. DH had always been the main wage earner and I worked part time, we have one DD aged 6. DH was made redundant 2 years ago and has been unable to find another job (he is nearly 50 and I think most companies look at his age and rule him out).

I still work part-time (18 hours a week) and DH is supposed to be looking after the house, etc, etc. Doesn't really happen to be honest, he is hopeless at cooking and completely unorganised with school letters, paying bills etc so I still do the majority or have to organise him to do it as he just does not think about it himself. I still end up doing most of the cleaning too as DH's standards are much lower than mine.

I often come home from work and DH disappears upstairs for hours and leaves me cooking and looking after our DD.

I think my DH is depressed as he has lost touch with he friends and rarely wants to socialise, your DH sounds very similar. I think many men are so conditioned to working and looking after the family that way that they really struggle with the role of house husband.

I don't know of a solution but I do sympathise and understand how you feel.

We have always had a number of quick meals:

• fish & chips out of the freezer
• tuna bake
• chicken, sauce & rice

etc

DH approaches cleaning differently from me. He tends to be a blitzer rather than a steady cleaner. Now that DCs are older they are nagged into doing their bit as well.

DH was a SAHD for nearly 7 years. To be honest, he's not much of a talker so the solitary nature of the job suited him. He coped by doing the things he liked and not conforming the the established 'mummy' activities. So, while he taught himself to cook quite well during that period, he also spent his time taking DD to museums and art galleries. He involved her in the things he enjoyed. By the age of 5 she could identify any number of insects and butterflies, was learning star systems and was developing an obsession with sharks.

I don't think she went to a single soft play, baby singing session or swimming lesson during the entire time. The only traditional thing he did was to become a regular on school trips when extra parents were required. The primary school ran a system where parents could volunteer and, if there were too many, names would be pulled out of a hat. As the only father who ever volunteered, his status as the man who could take the boys to the toilet guaranteed him a permanent slot. DD did, however, become a regular in our nice local pub, which is always relatively empty during the day, became mates with the bar staff and would indulge in cheese tasting sessions with a few of the regulars. On one occasion I came home from work early and went to find them there, only to find the whole pub, including bar staff, wearing paper hats made out of pages from the newspaper as her obsession at that time was origami. Yes, in some ways it's a a bit embarrassing to have a child who is the pub mascot and shouted "Daddy Pub" from her pushchair every time we walked past, but on the other hand it provided the adult company and social interaction he really needed.

It took a while for us to come up with a routine that worked. When we started I did all the cooking but gradually he started to gain more confidence it's become more equitable. We agreed that his job was childcare not cleaning. To be fair, neither of us could be described as tidy. Our solution is to split the jobs on a Saturday. DH was then, and continues to be, in charge of the shopping. I do the cleaning. As we have a tiny flat, I can make it respectable in the time it takes him to conquer the supermarket. With cooking, it's a democratic decision about what we are going to eat that day. After that, the actual cooking is usually done by the person who is best at making that particular dish. I can't stress enough how this situation has evolved rather than been planned.

We are in a very similar position. DP is theoretically self employed and works in the evening ( we don't need him to this is his choice) and spends disproportionate time "working" (ie he claims to spend hours preparing for an hours work) otherwise.
He is SAHD although DS is in childcare 3 days a week; like your DH he will claim to be tired /need a break so that when I come home from work I do all childcare/bed routine- at weekend childcare is my responsibility (ie he will arrange stuff for hinself assuming I will be around)- although we do spend time togetehr as a family at weekends. In 3 Years of doing this he doesn't seem to have built up a network of friends during the week- he claims the mums aren't welcoming but as far as i can see he makes no effort - even with friends he has known pre children who are off. I also don't feel he does enough in the way of household responsibities.

Not sure of the solution to be honest- i think DP needs the work in the evening to stay sane and doesn't realise he is opting out of our relationship - going to bed 3 hours after your partner for example is not conducive to a great relationship. That said things are improving for us to a degree- focussing on having good weekends and holidays but...

Fragile and jem, the similarities are scary! It's a shame you do not have a ready made solution for me!
I have noted all the positive stories and practical tips. Thanks to everyone who is taking the time to respond.

With dh he just hangs around with his male friends whoalalready have children that hes known since he was young so he is never alone really.

My DH is a SAHD, but through choice. So that makes a huge difference. If you were working at a "job" that you didn't choose or thought you were any good at then you would probably perform it to a substandard level or get fed up quickly.

Forgetting letters for school and disorganised meal planning are a feature of lots of households and to me are not worth getting het up about. My DH does lots of things differently to me but DC is happy and cared for so that's all that matters.

Try to decide if this is a "blip" which will be overcome once his business gets off the ground, or he gets another job, or indicative of his attitude / relationship. Find some time to talk, can a relative or friend do some babysitting for you to give you some time together?

Sorry I think he sounds like an arse. He hands the children over to you the minute you walk in? You do all the cooking? And he can't even work out what to feed the kids day to day?
How many men give their sahm wives as much sympathy about finding it difficult? He's only doing what millions of women have been expected to do for years. He needs to sort himself out.

I think if he doesn't really like the staying at home thing he should apply for jobs tbh...sitting in the studio til midnight wanking over online porn thinking up business ideas is not helping anyone.

I am tackling several issues. Pornography is luckily not one of them! DH is a great loving and fun dad. It is the practicalities of daily life and the fact that we have no time for us as a couple that are causing fricti

Friction.

How many men give their sahm wives as much sympathy about finding it difficult? He's only doing what millions of women have been expected to do for years.

OP's husband isn't responsible for the lack of sympathy other men have for SAHMs, or for society's expectations of men and women in general.

I am a woman. I would probably do a sloppy, half arsed job if I was a SAHM because I would fucking hate it. My DH would probably be pissed off with me too. The solution would be for me to work outside of the home. In Kefy's case that might also be the solution. Or it could be there are other, underlying issues in the relationship.

...you'd have time for you if he wasn't on the computer until midnight....what's he actually doing? Business ideas? Hmm...

What's with the porn suspicions obsession?!

Paq, good point.

Not necessarily porn...but wasting time while making out he's working on some grand plan....get a job mate!

paq, the problem there is if both parents feel like that you have to wonder if it was wise to have kids in the first place ?

People are entitled to combining careers and children, as long as they can put good childcare arrangements in place. It is not only wise to have children if you have a SAHP. Else vey few of us would. The fact that some people find it hard dealing with childcare all day long does not mean that they love their children any less. They just need some variety or different mental, social or creative stimulation in their lives.

I can understand needing to work to support a family, we had to in a limited style. I can't understand wanting to have kids but not wanting to look after them.

Are or were you a SAHP thegambler?

Kind of, my wifes employer let her go in when I was off and as we needed the cash she'd go in on my days off, some lates when I was earlies, some earlies when I was lates. I have my tumble tots bruises, my musical minnies headaches and my specialist subject on mastermind would be the play parks of Newcastle's west end!