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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Father's Day jealousy. Anyone else?

27 replies

CaulkheadUpNorth · 15/06/2014 08:46

I've posted before about the rocky relationship with my dad. There is a history of inappropriate comments/attention etc from him, and the last time I saw him I walked out as he was continually commenting on my "pussy". (Which was slightly disguised as concern about my cat).

So today is Father's Day and I'm feeling so jealous of other peoples relationships with their fathers, and how it just doesn't feel fair that he is like this.

I wondered if anyone had an suggestions/ideas as to how to overcome this jealousy? I know other people have it much worse.

OP posts:
JustTheRightBullets · 15/06/2014 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArtVandelay · 15/06/2014 09:21

My father is a revolting knobhead too! I think whats worked well for me is just cutting him off and with that, cutting him out of my thoughts.

On the flip-side, I have a family member who is rather spoilt and who is convinced that she is hard done by her (really decent) Dad. Typical complaints are things around horses or sums of money, jealousy of siblings. You get the idea. It used to get me hopping mad with jealousy and fury at her idiocy (how dare she say this to me after what I've been through!), now when she starts, I just think 'bitch, please...' And smile. Its nothing to do with me or who i am.

What I'm trying to show is that your attitude towards the issue is key - if you dwell on the loss you will feel bad and jealous. A person can convince themselves (as above) that even a priviliged life is filled with injustice! You have to dwell on the positives - you are strong, you dont need him, you arent snivelling down the phone about not being bought the right car! Cut him off, cut him out and stand tall.

Your Dad sounds vile. His behaviour is completely unacceptable - you are right to feel all these feelings but you can overcome it. How old are you? Is your Dad still married to your mum? Is he easy to cut off?

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 15/06/2014 11:07

Yes, still with mum. I feel similarly towards her so get Mother's Day jealousy too.

Although I've always known he isn't great, it's only been recently that I have acknowledged how bad he is. Just makes me sad.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 15/06/2014 11:23

OP - my father left us when I was 6. He was in another country [Canada]. He has never paid a penny towards us and when he thought he was dying, he came over and saw everyone except me. Nice.

Please do not think that everyone is doting over their dad. Or mother on mother's day. If you are sad be sad, but don't think everyone else's relationships are wonderful. They often aren't.

LoisPuddingLane · 15/06/2014 11:48

Facebook is full of people loving their dads today. It's all I can do to stop myself posting "spare a thought for those of us whose dads were cunts". I feel very bitter but there's nothing that can be done as he is long dead.

Frith2013 · 15/06/2014 12:32

I'm off to see my dad in a minute for lunch and I have no doubt the event will be ruined by my sniping, bitching mother. I dislike mother's day intensely!

If unlucky, my sister will also be having a go (has a tendency to be a mini-mother). Sons, my brother and brother in law and myself will all be rolling our eyes at each other. :-/

ooooooohnose · 15/06/2014 12:38

wish I could see my dad, to tell him how he was always there for me, even when I caused so much trouble at home and became a runaway, homeless then in care.

looking back, he was the only one who really cared.

but it's too late.

if you have a dad, maybe now is the time to say the things that will give you closure for the rest of your life.
enjoy the day.

Branleuse · 15/06/2014 12:39

my dad is a narcissistic arsehole and im completely done with him.
you have my sympathy

LadySybilLikesCake · 15/06/2014 12:44

I'm just sad. My father died 6 years ago and my FB feed is full of people's pictures and messages to their father.

I hope you're all OK Thanks There's nothing wrong in feeling sad about the relationship which you wish you had, it's a hard time.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 15/06/2014 13:31

My Facebook is a mixture - some photos of fathers who have died, and others showing the beautiful relationship people have with their dads/children's dad.

I know it's mixed, and not everyone will ba having a wonderful day. It just feels a bit like Christmas, where it seems that you're the only person not celebrating! I'm just sad that the is the way things are.

OP posts:
getthefeckouttahere · 15/06/2014 14:26

Another knob head abusive dad here. I didn't speak to or see him for the last 20 years of his life, and i don't regret it or miss him one iota.

I do though have slight twinges of jealousy when i see people with great dads on fathers day and the like, my inner child wants to stamp it feet and shout 'not fair! i want one!!' Its only tempered by the fact that having such a shit dad absolutely drove me to be the very best dad i can be, and am currently waiting for my two to be dropped off so the can destroy my kitchen cooking me a meal! ;-)

holdyourown · 15/06/2014 14:56

yep my dad really does not give a single shit about me and never has Sad he did however, go on to have another daughter who he's very close to and uses that relationship to 'make up for' not having one with me - he actually said that.Hmm
Don't see the twat any more but only because he moved without telling me his new address.

Bedtime1 · 15/06/2014 15:00

I feel similar to you op. has anyone sent there dad cards etc out of duty ? This is the first time I've sent nothing. Last year was a card. Previous years ive always spoiled him but I'm so fed up of his ungrateful and rude attitude. I think I felt guilty like I've got to spoil him. But no matter what I do the relationship never changes. He's still selfish and never thinks of me ever. He seems bitter and it is hard to watch others . My husband gets on well with his family and he took his dad out and spoiled him with gifts etc. in fact I bought the gifts. I always buy the gifts but it hurts. Does it hurt anyone else to buy the nice dads gifts ? I know he deserves them and he's nice but I just feel this immense heartache at not being able to given dad any nice gifts or take him out. I can't win. I could take him out etc which I have done on previous years but it feels wrong to me now like why am I taking this awful person out who treats me like shit. But I still end up feeling anxious and bad like today x

LadySybilLikesCake · 15/06/2014 15:03

Oh, that's Sad holdyourown. My son's father is the same. Huge hugs to you (and everyone else) Thanks

IfNotNowThenWhen · 15/06/2014 15:07

I didn't even realise it was Fathers Day. Is this a big thing now? I never gave my Dad a fathers day card when he was alive.
I think it's all just invented by Hallmark isn't it?
Sorry your Dad is like this OP, but, honestly, not everyone cares about Father's day.

Star8369 · 15/06/2014 15:10

my "dad" didnt get anything off me last year, this year and won't be ever again as he has just started a 6 year and 8 month prison sentence on the 6th of this month for sexually abusing my oldest daughter and one of my sisters Angry

BadRoly · 15/06/2014 15:16

Slightly different and not aimed at anyone in particular but my dad died 2 years ago and I am massively jealous of everyone today, and very resentful of those with useless fathers still alive - why couldn't it be them who died and not my dad?!

FolkGirl · 15/06/2014 15:22

I went NC with my mother and my dad died. I can honestly say that nothing has had a more positive impact on my self esteem, my outlook on life, or how much time I devote to feeling 'hard done by'.

It's a revelation!

enormouse · 15/06/2014 15:22

Sad and Angry at these. Thanks to all with fuckwit fathers.
I am NC with my dad partly due to him being largely absent through my childhood and his reaction to my flunking out of uni with depression.

I do miss my grandad terribly. He died 9 years ago and I still can't talk about him without crying. He raised me and was the kindest, gentlest, most moral man there ever was. I've lit a candle for him today and will focus on making a nice day for my DP.

Xcountry · 15/06/2014 15:23

The last time I seen mine he had escaped from an open prison facility and turned up at my grandmothers, She sent me out with a note written on my arm to my grandfathers work and kept him talking till my grandfather got the message and turned him in. I don't know where he is and I don't care, as long as its far from here.

Wrapdress · 15/06/2014 17:43

I haven't seen or spoken to my dad in 14 years. No way would I ruin this now perfect relationship by reaching out to him on Father's Day.

M27J5M · 15/06/2014 17:52

I get Father's Day jealousy for my son as his a**hole father done a bunk! I'm just glad he has his papa's to spoil instead and my partner is there for him and supports him to the extent the wee soul asked him if he would be his dad! My heart was in my throat with the wee innocent look on his face!

ArtVandelay · 15/06/2014 18:38

Badroly, I'm with you 100%. Every time a lovely dad (who i know well and care about) of my peers leaves us i always ask "why them and not him?" I've lost some great pseudo dads this way and it leaves me with a kind of double grief. Hugs to you on this difficult day x

ArtVandelay · 15/06/2014 18:39

Big hugs to everyone on this thread x

ScrambledEggAndToast · 15/06/2014 18:42

I wouldn't say jealousy as such but disappointment for me. I have spoken to my dad once in the last year when he dropped the bombshell that I had an older half sister Shock That was at Christmas and prior to that we hadn't spoken for 6 months due to the fact he refuses to have DS in his house and won't discuss the reason why. I have to see him in two weeks at my sister's wedding and am not looking forward to it. I certainly sympathise OP, it is sad when you see other people happy with their dad's but unfortunately you have to learn to live with it. Thanks for you.

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