Do you love your DH/DP?

[IWalkInTheSun]

how much? Could you imagine life without? what is it that makes you love him/her?

To expand: looking back at rel that have ended: can you see weather it was love but didn't work out or was it not really love?

'In every single case the same thing is going on. Basically one partner is super passive and accommodating. The other is a control freak or very domineering.'

Absolutely agree with this. My best friend was just tellling me the other day how her and her husband 'have occasional disagreements, but never argue.' He is the domineering one and gets his own way pretty much all the time. She 'does what she's told' most of the time. It's very frustrating to see.

On the other hand, I used to find arguments incredibly frightening. I rarely saw/heard my parents argue - they would just not speak to each other for months on end. Great model for conflict resolution there. So I grew up believing that arguments mean something is seriously wrong between the two of you and the whole relationship is probably rotten and you will probably break up soon. I'm becoming much more comfortable with arguing now - I don't enjoy it at all but I will do it if I have to. You learn so much about a person through arguing and resolving your differences, in a reasonable and respectful way of course. I do think that arguments are a healthy part of a relationship.

I love my DP, no doubts in my mind about that.

He's kind, caring, supportive, funny and when I'm with him, I feel like I'm home. I feel safe and that's a huge thing for me.

When there's a problem or disagreement, we don't argue about it, we just talk it through making sure we're both heard and then find a solution. We're a team and we face life together.

Because of DP, I'm becoming a better, stronger me than I ever thought possible. He never pushes at me, force me to agree with him, doesn't swear at me or anything remotely like that.

As he puts it: I love you for who you are now, not who you might be down the line.

That simple sentence says it all for me.

My ExH though, I thought I loved him at first, him being my first ever serious relationship, but life was fiery. We'd argue all the time, life was a competition where he had to be the clear winner. I was allowed my opinions, but then told why they are wrong and it became easier to just do as he said to stop the arguing.

Not that it did, but that's what I thought.

The contrast between the two is astounding and now that I know what normal looks like, I know that I didn't really love ExH, I was just after security.

I'll never accept less than the love DP gives me ever again.

Sorry if that rambled on, finding the right words to explain how wonderful DP is, is harder than I thought

I really love that man and if you don't mind, I think I'll go tell him

Yes - but after 20 years it ebbs and flows. Sometimes I love him totally and utterly, other times he drives me mad and I could quite happily leave.

DH and I certainly argue but swearing or screaming is over the line for us. We never do that.

Sometimes I miss the "oooh does he like me" butterflies you get with someone new, but it's so worth it to me to have the solid day to day comfort instead.

No I don't, I did up until about 2 years ago when he went on anti-depressants and then decided to stop them cold-turkey. He went kind of insane for a while there and all his most unpleasant traits were magnified. He did get back to normal eventually but by then all the love I had felt for him for over 25 years was dead.

I told him then I wanted a divorce but he said I had no grounds, now I'm waiting for him to catch up and realise our marriage is dead, I've already told him to find someone else and leave me for her but unfortunately he's either forgotten or thinks I've gotten over it.

No. I respect him in many ways, he's a great dad when it suits, but he has no interest in me at any level.

I'm here for dd and because I haven't got the resources, practical or emotional, to leave.

I'm nearly 50 and it's taken me this long to be in a relationship (just over a year) that I 100% believe is the right one for me. It's different to the other two relationships. However, could I live without him? Of course I could, if I had to. I'm not going to drop down dead or fall apart if he manages to trip under a bus or we split up. I've been through a lot and that gives you inner strength. Why do I love him? We just suit each other, have done from day one. No pretences, no trying to impress, no games, no trying to change each other, just being ourselves in a relaxed thing. I've finally found a boy version of me.

Ex - yes I was in love but I think I was also attracted to his differences - 'opposites attract' and the concept of him if that makes sense. I also thought it was time I grew up a bit, and I was trying to be something I'm not (I've given up on that idea). He was very critical and trying to change me from the very start and I either compromised, or resisted it, and it resulted in him not being very happy with me either. I don't know why we continued for 10 years. I was also heartbroken/devastated when we broke up. Can't understand it. The man loved me, but didn't like me very much, to sum it up.

Ex-husband. I had doubts from the start but was young and wanted to be grown up and play house, if I'm honest. Thought I loved him. Did to a certain extent. But it wasn't a mature form of love that lasts(got married when I was 19 FGS).

I think I do. Not all consuming though. I don't really miss him when he is away. I could definitely live without him. Have done and could again.

Yes, very, very much.

We've been together for 18 months now & I probably got together with him far too soon after my marriage breakdown as my head was still a bit of a mess. Some quite big trust issues as exH had an affair.

I don't think I've loved anyone in the way I love him. I feel like I'm the best version of me when I'm with him - whereas with exH, he just knew how to rub me up the wrong way.

He makes me howl with laughter, he's wonderfully intelligent, emotionally mature & perceptive, caring, amazing in bed & deliciously hairy!

We share a similar background & a love for the same kind of music. He's great with my kids & also makes them laugh lots.

I love him, all of him - even with his faults - he can be grumpy, he has got a few issues with debt - but he's got great self-awareness & will always say sorry if he's in the wrong.

I feel very lucky to have found him & I know he feels the same way about me. I love our passion but also the way we can just chill out together & potter about.

I'm another who has loved DH since we were skinny and spotty teens and can't imagine life without him. He knows me better than I know myself and if he wasn't here I'd have to continue for the sake of our dcs but nothing would be right ever again.

I'm not sure I love him. I can imagine my life without him. We are plodding along. I'm bored,we don't speak but co exist. I know I settled & I'm quite disappointed in myself.

No. He has no interest in anyone but himself and offers me no emotional support at all.

He is emotionally abusive and at times quite intimidating. Any love I had for him has been worn away to nothing by his controlling ways.

Yes I adore him. Three days ago we had DD and since then he has driven me mad with his ideas of what to do. I'm sure I've driven him mad too. We both realise that it's just early stressful days with a newborn and we'll get through it.

It's our first anniversary next week and I'm so glad he's the man I chose to marry. I love him so much.

No. I'm not sure I ever did - I was in love with him at the beginning & lusted after him something awful - the sex was amazing. I felt I'd done the wrong thing on honeymoon, if I'm honest. As the years roll on it seems harder to leave.

Interesting how polarised this thread is.

Guess that is a reflection of MN tho'

Moonface, your relationship sounds just like mine, it's wonderful to find happiness with a like-minded soul isn't it!

It's so disheartening to read about people staying in crappy relationships for whatever reason (mainly DCs).

Being single is fine, it wasn't for me long term, but even being single was better than feeling alone in a marriage. I know MNers people judge women for getting together and getting serious with someone within a few months of separating from XH, but once you experience a loving happy relationship it changes everything. I'm honestly a different person to the one who was married to XH, probably much more loveable because I am loved.

What mousebacon said -

'No. He has no interest in anyone but himself and offers me no emotional support at all.

He is emotionally abusive and at times quite intimidating. Any love I had for him has been worn away to nothing by his controlling ways.'

That is exactly how I feel. I don't like him, I don't fancy him and I don't love him. He used to be my world, I loved him so very much but he has worn me down so much I don't like him at all.

Yes. He makes me very happy.

But I know that us separating would break my DCs hearts. My 4 yr old anyway.

I'm a teacher and have seen what divorce and separation does to children. I can't do that to them just because we aren't madly in love.

I idolise my husband, he is amazing, I worship him! I tell him all the time how much I love him and adore him. I met him when I was 35 and we have been together 3 years. I have never met a man like him, he makes me so happy and goes out of his way to ensure I am, he is considerate, loving, he tells me how special I am all the time and how much I mean to him.

My previous long term partners (one of ten years and one of six year) I never felt the same way, don't get me wrong, I did love them but I wasn't in love with them, not the way I love my husband. I never thought I would get married, but my husband changed my view on it.

Yes I do love him. I couldn't imagine my life without him, particularly all the crap we've been going through in the last six weeks.

Yes with all my heart. My DP is like MrsWolowitz says. He is complementary to me. His friends tell him he is marrying out of his league because to them I seem posher, cleverer and richer. But I lived with a clever sophisticated DH for 27 years and he reduced me to a quivering wreck with his lack of kindness and his striving for achievement.

DP is balm to my soul. He makes me laugh, relax and play. I cant imagine life without him now and I am so lucky we found each other. We have fun together, we have gentle differences resolved without hurting each other which is a revelation. He makes me laugh and shows me new things all the time. I am looking forward to our new house and getting married and making a home for our six DC to visit and being GPs together!

I love him completely. He's the kindest, funniest and strongest man I know and he makes me feel interesting, beautiful and safe.

I could live without him but it would be horrible.

I did love ExDH but so did he and that was the problem.

IWalk we find it hard too. We fight,we fall out, we don't get as much time together as we'd like. I think I know it's worth fighting for, and persevering with because I always think 'when WE' can do x/can afford x/can go on holiday, and that makes me happy. Living beyond the day to day petty annoyances, I guess, if that makes sense?
Good luck, whatever your decision.