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Original poster

Am I wrong? Sex related...

64 replies

Seb101 · 09/06/2014 15:32

This Saturday just gone we had our first night without our daughter who's 2.5yrs old. (She slept at parents)
For days we had been planning our night... Lovely meal out, late night, glorious lie in etc. we'd also planned some steamy sex! Dh requested outfit etc. I had outfit, stocking, heels, candles, music etc all ready. We'd talked about playing loud music, having noisy sex all over house. Basically everything we don't usually get a chance to do. This was a one off special opportunity! I was so looking forward to it. Especially the sex. To have sex with abandon, not worrying about child hearing/waking up!
Anyway, we went out for lovely meal. Got home early ish; 9.30pm. I opened bottle of wine. Went upstairs, dh in bed watching football and informs me he's tried and going to sleep. He was asleep by 10pm!
Now this is where I don't know if I reacted badly. I said I was disappointed for all
The reasons mentioned here. He didn't really respond, he went to sleep. I was very upset and if I'm honest bloody pissed off!
The next day I was offish with him. We still spoke civil to each other and went out for day. But I was moody I admit. I text him today to apologise for being moody, explained how I felt and said let's forget it and move on.
He is annoyed that I put pressure on him. He said we both have to accept when the other doesn't want sex, and not be stroppy about it. I agree with him. BUT I feel
He should have made an effort. This wasn't some random night where one of us didn't fancy it. This was special... An opportunity we won't get again for a long time!
Am I being a bitch here? Am I
In the wrong?

OP posts:
Lanabelle · 09/06/2014 15:40

I'd not have been pleased either, and moody wouldn't cover it.

Thurlow · 09/06/2014 15:40

I'd say neither of you are in the wrong. It's just a difficult situation. We have the same thing, a night without the toddler is ridiculously rare and it's perfectly understandable to want to make the most of it.

But the problem is if your DH found that he was too tired after a meal to want sex then it's not particularly fair to make him do something he doesn't want to do.

Personally, I'd say it's either dinner out or sex. A big meal and some wine isn't guaranteed to make someone feel especially sexy Wink

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/06/2014 15:41

I don't think so. You were, as the saying goes 'on a promise' and I'm not surprised you're disappointed. It sounds like he was originally as enthusiastic about your free night as you were. The only thing that could have gone wrong is that, with all the advance talk of illegal-in-48-states hot, sweaty, jungle sex, he could have felt that he couldn't live up to the billing. Maybe, as a first full night alone, it was oversold - hence the comment about pressure? That said, going to bed and watching football when your partner for the evening is uncorking the wine is pretty rude whichever way you look at it.

Has sex gone west in the last 2.5 years generally? Might you have another crack at your date night but go for something less ambitious?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 09/06/2014 15:42

Hmm. Was this a surprise (him not wanting it) or is it an ongoing issue? Personally I hate planned sex, but I do recognise that if we've built up to it as a special occasion then it's a bit off to cry off at the last minute.

meditrina · 09/06/2014 15:45

I'd be very pissed off tbh.

It sounds as if he'd fully bought in to the build up (suggesting outfits etc), knew the plan and saw your excitement.

If for some reason he didn't feel up to it when push didn't come to shove, he really should have anticipated the impact that it would have on you, and made a gentler, probably rueful, explanation (not bloody footie!) and not tried to say it was your fault in any way.

Has he been a bit off in any other ways recently? Or is this a one-off?

CarCiKoTab · 09/06/2014 15:46

I agree with Thurlow I don't think either of you are in the wrong. I can totally understand where your coming from but, I also no the last thing I want to do when tired is to have sex, maybe he wanted to make the most of been able to go to bed at a reasonable time and just relax rather than worrying about the DC.

thedancingbear · 09/06/2014 15:46

Hmm. If the boot was on the other foot and it was a man demanding sex from his wife, I am sure people would be suggesting he was abusive. If he's really not up for it, he's really not up for it

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/06/2014 15:47

He was rude to do that, and obviously knew it hence the sneaking off. You don't request outfits and huge effort from your partner and then bail out, you just don't.

Sounds like he got a bit of performance anxiety though?

Hum I'm on the fence a bit with this, having a sex life when you've got small kids is hard work and sometimes you have to just do it when there is an opportunity even if it isn't 100% what you want to do - because then you end up enjoying it and that helps with the next time.

Can I ask - was it you who did all the running in terms of planning this? Did he make any effort to make it special for you?

Joysmum · 09/06/2014 15:47

If this was my DH complaining about me I'd be fucking livid. We like having sex and if either of us are too tired then that's a huge statement about how tired we are.

If you were a bloke posting on here from your husbands perspective you'd quite rightly get flamed.

Lagoonablue · 09/06/2014 15:48

If a man went in the huff we would be saying he was unreasonable I am sure.

Yes it's a disappointment but not worth getting upset about.

Lweji · 09/06/2014 15:53

A bit bitchy, yes.

I can see how the pressure might have put him off. And while all that faff might have put you in the mood, it may well have tired him.

everythingtakesages · 09/06/2014 15:57

Special occasion sex is often a let-down. It would be better to find ways to have sex the way you want it without all that palaver.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/06/2014 15:59

It's unreasonable to sulk and punish a partner for refusing sex. Sorry but it just is. He doesn't owe you sex, any more than you would owe him sex whether you felt in the mood or not.

It's not unreasonable to feel hurt, frustrated and disappointed, but if he didn't feel like it, he didn't feel like it.

Jan45 · 09/06/2014 16:01

So why did he request the sexy clothes if sex wasn't on the Agenda - it clearly was, he decided to change the goal posts but didn't bother telling you until the last minute, very rude imo and pretty inconsiderate.

I'd be mighty pissed off to have gone to all that effort for him to be asleep by 10pm, cheers, don't do it again, he clearly doesn't appreciate it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/06/2014 16:01

"If you were a bloke posting on here from your husbands perspective you'd quite rightly get flamed."

I disagree. The OP has been rejected pretty flat here. There's saying 'I'm sorry you got all dolled up oh dearest heart, but I'm very tired, I've changed my mind and how about we have a cuddle?'.... sensitive.... and then there's disappearing off to bed and watching the football.... bloody rude!

Thurlow · 09/06/2014 16:01

Yes, I think it is important to try and imagine this from a sort of gender-less point of view - as other posters say, if this was the other way around then you would probably be getting very different responses.

"I'd had a really long week and after a nice meal and a few glasses of wine I was exhausted and I really just wanted to get a good night's sleep without being disturbed or woken up early by the toddler. I knew my husband really wanted some exciting sex, and I knew I didn't want that at all, which also put me off. But my husband really wanted sex and made it clear that he is disappointed with me that we didn't have sex last night..."

It's one of those awkward situations which happens sadly when you have young children. And it's like New Year's Eve or a birthday party - you build it up that it is going to be a great party, and the pressure sometimes makes it worse.

I wouldn't bring it up again. But keep talking in general about how you still fancy each other.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 09/06/2014 16:04

I dunno!

If he said, darling, I'm really knackered, had shit week, etc, etc, can we put it on hold, of course that's more than fine.

If he sneaked off, snapped he was tired, and then stomped off that would piss me off tho.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/06/2014 16:05

@Thurlow.... but in your genderless speech it omits to say that I'd spent the previous three days asking my husband to dress up as a fireman and fantasising about sliding down his pole.... Hmm

OP... if you were already in the stockings and heels I bet you felt a bit of a chump aside from anything else

Thurlow · 09/06/2014 16:07

But what should the husband have done? If he didn't want to have sex, he shouldn't have to have sex. No one should have to have sex if they don't want to, regardless of anything.

I agree that he didn't find the most tactful way of expressing that and could definitely have been nicer.

But if you don't fancy doing it, you shouldn't have to.

Selendra · 09/06/2014 16:08

I always think it's better to have the sex first, then go out for dinner. I always seem to get tired and bloaty after dinner and not want any sex otherwise!

dylanthedragon · 09/06/2014 16:11

I agree. Sulking because your partner decides they don't feel like sex is a big no no in my book. It's also, in my opinion, extremely unattractive and the thing most likely to totally turn me off someone.

I can understand that you were disappointed and your DH could have been a bit more sensitive in telling you he wasn't in the mood. But that doesn't make it ok to be moody with him for the rest if the weekend. If the tables were turned, you husband would have been flamed on here for putting pressure on you to have sex.

Perhaps next time you have a night alone, you should try not to build it up so much. It is hard to keep the spark going when you've got young kids but planning too can be as much of a mood killer.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/06/2014 16:13

"But what should the husband have done? "

He should have let the OP down gently and sensitively. Maintain the intimacy whilst apologising for not being in the mood for sex after all. Even the dimmest bloke realises it's a BIG MISTAKE to choose England over the missus and add insult to injury.

HarlotOTara · 09/06/2014 16:19

Food and wine and high expectations seem like a recipe for disappointment. If this was a woman not wanting sex and a man sulking what would the response have been?

Next time sex before, or the next morning maybe? With all the best intentions a full belly and wine makes me definitely not in the mood especially when the expectation Is for the earth to move.

Thurlow · 09/06/2014 16:19

I'm not disagreeing that he shouldn't have dealt with the situation better. But equally the OP could have too - sulking isn't a nice or healthy way to deal with issues in a relationship either ^^

Jbck · 09/06/2014 16:31

I think in the circs you have a tendency to build these evenings up in your mind and they often don't live up to your expectations in one way or another.

Happened to us many a time over the years for lots of reasons. He should have been more up front if he felt like that early on, you should have been less sulky as had the boot bern on the other foot, no doubt, you'd expect him to be more understanding.

If it's been a one off, I'd draw a line in the sand and try to be the bigger person, or at least make the first move, which you have done by texting and apologizing.

Try not to put as much pressure on yourselves next time and let things happen more naturally, he probably took the easy way out, I'll admit to having done it before but we clearly have had more experience. DH would have opened more wine and settled down to a good movie in anticipation of his long lie the next day.