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Original poster

Am I wrong? Sex related...

64 replies

Seb101 · 09/06/2014 15:32

This Saturday just gone we had our first night without our daughter who's 2.5yrs old. (She slept at parents)
For days we had been planning our night... Lovely meal out, late night, glorious lie in etc. we'd also planned some steamy sex! Dh requested outfit etc. I had outfit, stocking, heels, candles, music etc all ready. We'd talked about playing loud music, having noisy sex all over house. Basically everything we don't usually get a chance to do. This was a one off special opportunity! I was so looking forward to it. Especially the sex. To have sex with abandon, not worrying about child hearing/waking up!
Anyway, we went out for lovely meal. Got home early ish; 9.30pm. I opened bottle of wine. Went upstairs, dh in bed watching football and informs me he's tried and going to sleep. He was asleep by 10pm!
Now this is where I don't know if I reacted badly. I said I was disappointed for all
The reasons mentioned here. He didn't really respond, he went to sleep. I was very upset and if I'm honest bloody pissed off!
The next day I was offish with him. We still spoke civil to each other and went out for day. But I was moody I admit. I text him today to apologise for being moody, explained how I felt and said let's forget it and move on.
He is annoyed that I put pressure on him. He said we both have to accept when the other doesn't want sex, and not be stroppy about it. I agree with him. BUT I feel
He should have made an effort. This wasn't some random night where one of us didn't fancy it. This was special... An opportunity we won't get again for a long time!
Am I being a bitch here? Am I
In the wrong?

OP posts:
sykadelic · 09/06/2014 16:46

YANBU to be disappointed. YABU to try and guilt him into sex and hold it against him.

He was tired. 9:30pm is late to be out and about and still feeling amorous after a (presumably) heavy meal (especially if it's not "normal" for you).

I get tired easily and would not be impressed 1) that my husband is trying to guilt me into sex; 2) that I'm being made to pay in the way of moody and grumpy treatment for not "giving sex" when it was "promised".

You said he said: "He is annoyed that I put pressure on him. He said we both have to accept when the other doesn't want sex, and not be stroppy about it. I agree with him. BUT I feel He should have made an effort." There is not "but" about it. You should NEVER guilt the other into sex. It's manipulative. You agree with him, that's the end of it. No but. Stop thinking about just your own feelings. How do you think this makes him feel?

You could have had a really nice sleep in and pleasant next day and YOU ruined that for him. How is that fair to him? Why is your night the only one that's important?

Learn from the late-night mistake and try again another day! It doesn't need to be an all-day event, ask friends to baby sit for a couple of hours. Apologise to your husband again and this time mean it. Work together to find a couple of hours for some amorous fun.

Jan45 · 09/06/2014 17:02

He was tired. 9:30pm is late to be out and about and still feeling amorous after a (presumably) heavy meal (especially if it's not "normal" for you).

On a Sat night, I'm assuming the OP and her partner are not quite dead yet....

It's not about pressuring him for sex, they had made a plan, a long winded one at that which included lots of nice touches, he decided at 10pm that night that the rest of the plan wasn't going ahead, that's rude and pretty inconsiderate under the circs.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/06/2014 17:06

9.30pm is late to be out and about

Is this a joke?? Grin

Paq · 09/06/2014 17:15

I agree with Thurlow - either a nice meal or sex. I don't have the energy for both. Smile

Being moody because you didn't get your end away is crass and hurtful. If you'd been more gracious in your disappointment you might have had nice morning sex instead.

thinkineed2admit · 09/06/2014 17:19

I'd have been pissed off as hell too! If he was tired, after all the planning he should have mentioned it earlier....not when you discover him WATCHING FOOTBALL! >:(

Hickorydickory12 · 09/06/2014 17:26

Poor you op. It's very difficult to factor on quality time and feel sexy with young children.
And quite cruel to build up excitement, make yourself feel good and look sexy only to be rejected at the last minute.
It would make me feel pretty shit and I would be cross too that I had been treated line that.

Hickorydickory12 · 09/06/2014 17:27

And there's nothing wrong with being moody sometimes. We are all human and sometimes having a nice chat about our feelings doesn't suffice!

EBearhug · 09/06/2014 17:29

9:30pm is late to be out and about if you usually go to bed early and get up early. It's not if you're the sort of person who doesn't get to bed till midnight or later. These things tend to be a bit relative.

I suspect if he was asleep at 10pm, he needed the sleep. I would have been hacked off about it, but I also know that sometimes, I just need to stop and rest, because I've run out of fuel, so I assume others get like this, too. Life doesn't always go the way we want.

FixItUpChappie · 09/06/2014 17:36

Not all grand plans come to fruition. He wanted to earlier on but in the end was tired and not in the mood. Did you really want him to get on with it half-heatedly? Niether of you handled it well.

Nothing is less sexy by the way than pressure and pouting when it comes to sex.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2014 17:38

Think of it like this : a large proportion of newly married couples do not actually have sex on their wedding night

Too much anticipation, too much build up, too much rich food, too much booze. In the absence of any other red flags, I think it's a shame you didn't swing from the chandeliers on this particular evening. But you have a lifetime together...right ? Smile

JonesRipley · 09/06/2014 17:42

I also agree with Thurlow

Or sometimes it works better to have sex first in a less swinging from the chandelier way and then go out.

MegaClutterSlut · 09/06/2014 17:51

I don't blame you for bring pissed off op. I wouldn't really be pissed off with him not being in the mood well maybe a little bit it's the way he snuck off and didn't say anything that I would be fucked off about. All he had to say was "I'm really sorry but I'm not in the mood"and maybe planned something else for you to do as a couple instead.

MamaMary · 09/06/2014 18:00

It's the watching football bit that I'd be most annoyed about. Fine, if he's too tired for sex, I'd accept it (grudgingly). But he's not too tired to watch football. I'd be pointing that out to him - it's quite disrespectful on a special night planned for just the two of you.

Joysmum · 09/06/2014 18:08

He was asleep by 10pm so clearly knackered and was greeted by moodiness the next day because he didn't perform!

Women are told all the time that they can say 'No' at any point...if their partners reacted by moodiness the next day then they would be flamed, who in their right mind would be excusing the man's behaviour?

Original poster
Seb101 · 09/06/2014 18:34

Thanks everyone for your replies. To answer some questions;
We have a very good sex life, regular sex 2-3 times a week. He has a high sex drive. He constantly asks me to dress up/ make things more exciting etc. Which I do occasionally.
It was his idea to have this 'big' night of sex. He picked outfit, asked me to paint my nails red, wear red heels etc! So he was very involved in whole thing, wasn't just my idea. To be honest, I'd have rather skipped the whole dressing up thing and just had regular sex. I made a big effort...! Got a wax, bought candles...
If I had come home and felt tired, I'd have still had sex. I'd have made the effort to make him happy. Maybe that's wrong. Maybe no one should ever have sex when they don't fancy it. I occasionally do, and I don't feel abused or badly treated and I don't mind. But i appreciate people's views on this.
I completely agree about the whole planned sex thing. I prefer spontaneous. But with a child it's much harder to be spontaneous.
Def wouldn't have been performance anxiety! He just wasn't in the mood.
We had a light meal, one glass of wine, so hardly massively full or drunk.

OP posts:
Thurlow · 09/06/2014 20:31

I'd be inclined to say if you have a regular and healthy sex life but he wanted to sleep that night, it strikes me as more likely that he probably was tired.

I appreciate what you are saying with I'd have made the effort to make him happy, and every relationship is different, and if you are happy you are happy... but it also strikes me that you should be able to say that you are tired and not really in the mood for sex?

I don't want to jump to assumptions, which is so easy to do from words on a page, but there is something about your second message which makes me want to ask, would it be a problem if you said you were tired and didn't want sex? Especially managing it very regularly (hell, I'm not sure we managed it that much before DC!)

Chaseface · 09/06/2014 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Seb101 · 09/06/2014 21:11

Would it be a problem if you didn't want sex.....??
Well, yes and no. He'd accept it, wouldn't openly complain, but I'd be aware he was disappointed definately.
I very rarely say 'no,' firstly because I enjoy making him happy. So if he's particularly horny, I'll always say yes. The only time I say no is when I'm on my period.
Maybe that's the problem. Maybe he knows I'm ready and available whenever if fancies it and so can afford to be choosy. If I said no more often he'd maybe be more enthusiastic when i did want it. I actually really enjoy sex, so even when I'm not initially in the mood, I'm always pleased after.
Anyway, we're going chat about it this evening. Tell eachother how we both feel. Talking always helps and I'm lucky that we're good at communicating, so I know we can talk this out. I think we both need to appreciate how the other felt.

OP posts:
FartyMcGhee · 09/06/2014 21:15

I guess it was annoying but having sex with someone who is not into it isn't very nice and he was tired so how great waist likely to be anyway.

wannaBe · 09/06/2014 21:18

even if sex is planned in advance there should never be an expectation that it must happen, even if disappointment is understandable. And sulking and moodiness is a very unattractive trait.

Given the dp was already in bed I imagine he perhaps went up while op opened the wine, and then realised how tired he was. And nothing wrong with the football being on while op wasn't there IMO - given he was asleep by 10 it's clear that it wasn't the football that was on his agenda either.

TalisaMaegyr · 09/06/2014 21:19

Yes, communication is the key, I think so too. I've probably been on both sides of this over the years, and I do understand your disappointment, honestly. But I also HATE feeling under pressure to have sex.

Thurlow · 09/06/2014 21:20

Definitely. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him being too tired for sex - but equally there is absolutely nothing wrong with you being disappointed that you didn't have sex after all that effort.

Storing things up is always a problem, talking rarely is. Have a good chat about it.

Sallystyle · 09/06/2014 22:32

Any pressure for me to have sex and I go right off the idea.

I understand your disappointment but I also understand being to full and tired for sex. Sex does not happen after a big meal out in this house as it makes me feel sluggish.

He could have perhaps said it a bit nice but I don't think either of you are particularly in the wrong.

sykadelic · 09/06/2014 23:19

Jan45 & Alibab no it's not a joke.

9:30pm with a kid can feel like 2am to some people. For me personally, I have a sleeping disorder so that late at night and I'm pretty much done... let alone going out on the town (more energy involved).

I totally get the disappointment, but however much the lead up, he can say no whenever he wants, and he did (remember for a man, tired for him can mean totally not "up" for it). Once he said no, that was the end of it. Aside from a seductive "are you sure...?" that should be the end of the "yes or no" discussion but definitely NOT the end of the "look I was really excited to be doing X Y Z last night and feel a little let down that our plans didn't happen. I think we need to plan time again soon, ..."

heyday · 09/06/2014 23:41

I have planned similar for myself and partner in the past as we rarely seem to spend any time together really. As soon as sex is pre planned it is the biggest turn off in history and always goes totally wrong on the night. I can understand you being annoyed however, he was probably really up for it at one stage but it became a bit organised and almost clinical on the actual night. He is probably feeling a bit disappointed himself too. Next time you get this sort of chance play it very low key and hopefully the night will sizzle for you both.