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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to send this message

67 replies

fallenhurtingsoul · 09/06/2014 04:49

We were sleeping together etc and I was cooking etc for them but we weren't together. We flat share so was considering sending this message:

Yesterday morning I woke panicked cos my door was shut which I guess was cos you had some girl over. Last night I couldn't sleep cos you got some girl over. I know you don't like to wake up n find strange men in the house, well I don't like to wake up and find strange girls here either. At least I let you know. Honestly, I'm feeling like I'm Only good enough to run around for you and occasionally fuck if there's nothing else offering. I'm done being not good enough. And I'm done getting hurt. I should never have let myself get attached to you but I did and it's me that's hurt as a result. That's my trouble I care too much. you don't care about me. I was stupid to even think you might.

Does this sound horrid/rude?

OP posts:
KristinaM · 09/06/2014 04:54

I'm a bit confused.

You live together and have a sexual relationship and you cook for him -in what way are you not together ?

Do you mean that you are in an open relationship?

What did you agree about seeing other people? What are your ground rules?

Or did you assume that you were exclusive because you cook for him?

Why don't you just talk about it with your BF /partner instead of sending a message ?

flukeshot · 09/06/2014 04:58

What are you hoping to achieve by it?
It doesn't sound rude, but I wouldn't send it.

LadyCybilCrawley · 09/06/2014 05:10

Love, in all honesty, what you wrote sounds desperate and self depreciating

He will not read it and say "gosh how silly am I, of course I'll do the right thing by her". I am sorry. Hmm

The only course of action here is to stop being his doormat, don't cook clean or sleep with him - and go find yourself someone who respects you

LadyCybilCrawley · 09/06/2014 05:12

There is a saying that we get treated they way we let people treat us .....

Don't let him treat you like this

Don't fight for it or send emails or beg in conversation - Walk away

hesterton · 09/06/2014 05:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

18yearsoftrying · 09/06/2014 05:24

In sending that you're clearly hoping to get a reaction from him, one giving commitment to you, full of apologies for hurting you, an acknowledgement from him etc.

He won't do that on he basis that actions speak louder than words & so far his actions are saying quite a lot I'm afraid.

You're just feeding his ego I think. Please don't take that as a personal criticism, you're within your rights to cook for him etc but he's definitely not reciprocating, is he? Most of us have been where you are - you're worth more than that.

Prove it to him by 'moving on'....but not in writing.

curiousuze · 09/06/2014 05:29

Don't send this. It's not rude but it won't have the effect you want.

SelectAUserName · 09/06/2014 05:32

So you're housemates who became friends with benefits but you hoped for more?

That message sounds terribly needy, downtrodden and won't achieve what you want it to. Don't send it.

Unfortunately this clearly isn't the guy for you. It hurts, but moving on with your head up - and bringing home anyone you want to, so long as you're doing it for your mutual pleasure not as a revenge tactic or to try to make flatmate jealous - is the only option, painful though it is.

I hope writing down for us what you wanted to say to him has proved cathartic enough for you to be able to delete and move on.

mammadiggingdeep · 09/06/2014 07:06

Don't send it. He'll think you're being desperate and 'needy'. Detach yourself from him. Stop sleeping with him, only cook your fair share as if he was any other housemate. Possibly think about moving out if its too difficult.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/06/2014 07:10

Assuming you're the poster who has posted about this before about this situation - this set up is terrible for your self esteem and you need to move on, move out and work on valuing yourself a bit more.

everythingtakesages · 09/06/2014 07:33

I think you have to take some responsibility yourself. You entered into an arrangement which you knew was not a 'proper' relationship. You knew you were not his girlfriend, but a convenient bit of sex and dinner. He was free to meet and sleep with other women, and indeed he has. Of course you hoped it would lead to more, or came to want it to be more, but it hasn't.

Definitely don't send that message.

everythingtakesages · 09/06/2014 07:36

If you must send a message, I would say:

Dear X,

I think we now find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation and should both work towards extracting ourselves from it. I'll have a think today about my options and would appreciate it if you would too.

Hurtingsoul

AnyFucker · 09/06/2014 07:43

You have posted about this before, haven't you ?

You were advised not to be a mug and value yourself more and that he was using you. The advice is the same. Don't send that message, it confirms how desperate you really are although tbh, your actions are making that very clear. Find some respect for yourself, fgs

Cabrinha · 09/06/2014 07:48

Don't send it!
It's awful.
You sound desperate. And very very unattractive.
He's not your boyfriend - he's your flat mate and you have has sex with him. Sex that he had because he could, sex you had because you wanted more.

Three things:

  1. Do not send that text
  2. Read the book "he's just not that into you", especially the section on maintaining DIGNITY
  3. Find a new flat share
headlesslambrini · 09/06/2014 07:52

I wouldnt send it. Move out and find somewhere else to live

bloodyteenagers · 09/06/2014 07:53

Isn't this what happens when you are a fuck buddy? You are both free to fuck whoever you want, and when there is no-one else, your fuck buddy.
When you agreed to do this, you would have known it was just sex. More fool you really for doing the extra stuff.
You are not in a relationship. You never will be.

Don't send that letter. There is simply no need. You are not exclusive and he, like you, is allowed to fuck anyone he wants. Ok, you tell him you are having someone over, but in reality you don't need to and neither does he.

Either carry on as you are. Or end it. But there is no point in becoming some needy desperado.

TheAwfulDaughter · 09/06/2014 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

movingtoourwillow · 09/06/2014 08:56

Oh for god's sake, DO NOT send that message. Move out, move on, have some dignity.

Original poster
fallenhurtingsoul · 09/06/2014 09:50

I haven't sent it. I have spoken to agency about a possible move, I like my flat tho. I like where I live. It's perfect.

OP posts:
tribpot · 09/06/2014 09:53

You can live in lots of flats. You only have one ego. Take better care of it.

winkywinkola · 09/06/2014 09:53

It's not perfect anymore though because you are now in a painful situation with your flat mate. I would just leave and not do it again in my new flat.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2014 09:54

It was perfect

Original poster
fallenhurtingsoul · 09/06/2014 09:59

I was re housed by homeless so just moving out isn't really a option

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/06/2014 10:02

Then stop being a wanksock for a bloke that doesn't give a shit about you.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 09/06/2014 10:07

This happened to my friend and her landlord. She could actually hear them shagging next door.

It's didn't end well. She moved out and is now happily married.

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