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Relationships

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Original poster

DH only wants dominant sex

61 replies

Notyetforty · 08/06/2014 01:06

Name changed for this.

DH and I have been together for 13 years. When we met, we both enjoyed rough, dominant/submissive sex but even back then I thought we should try to mix it up a bit with normal, loving sex. After DD arrived, it took ages for my 'drive' to come back but when it did, I wanted the dominant stuff... but I really want tender, love making too now. So much so, I don't think I can carry on in a relationship without at least a little bit. I've spoken to DH but his response is that he only wants to be dominant in bed, and that I knew that when we met. Sometimes he tries but it doesn't last and he slips back into it. Perhaps I should be firmer with him in telling him what I want? The thing is, that I like the kinky stuff, just not all the time. I want to feel loved and cherished too once in a while. The other issue is that I've never come during sex, and he never tries to pleasure me - I have told him how I like to be touched but he just doesn't seem interested... I realise that my orgasm is my responsibility but is it normal for a husband not to at least assist these things?!

OP posts:

getthefeckouttahere · 08/06/2014 01:10

Nope not acceptable. Tell him again that you insist on mixing it up and be more attentive to your needs or there won't be any sex, of any variety.
And pretty much inevitably no sex leads to no relationship.

Bogeyface · 08/06/2014 02:37

"I really love dominant sex where I am in charge" means that this is his thing but he understands that it is give and take. "I will only have dominant sex where I am in charge" means "I dont care how you feel, what you want or whether you orgasm. This is all about me"

Even in the most fetishistic sex lives there are lines drawn in the sand, understandings of what each partner wants, respect (and yes, safe words for when it is going too far). You have none of that so it isnt about "our" sex life but about "my" sex life. Your feelings dont count.

This isnt about sex, it is about how he views you and your relationship. It is a massive red flag. I dont really get fetishism/swinging etc, but what I have got from reading about it (mainly on MN!) is that there is respect. He doesnt respect you, he doesnt care about what you want or need. Its all about him. It will always be all about him.

Bogeyface · 08/06/2014 02:40

Oh and re: your orgasm.

Ime there is nothing that turns a man on more than making the woman he is with have an orgasm. If he cared about you then your pleasure would mean as much as his own. That he is only interested in whether you have sex (his way) with him and isnt interested in whether you enjoy sex with him speaks volumes.

Monty27 · 08/06/2014 02:43

I wouldn't be happy with that at all, and as Bogey says I've only learned about this sort of stuff on here, I'm very vanilla

But concur with above.

Aussiemum78 · 08/06/2014 04:05

Eh? Why is your orgasm your responsibility?

Replace "dominant" with selfish, that's what your husband wants. Selfish sex and who cares if you like it. You can be dominant and still pleasure someone.

AdoraBell · 08/06/2014 04:08

Exactly what Bogey said.

LettertoHerms · 08/06/2014 04:44

I realise that my orgasm is my responsibility but is it normal for a husband not to at least assist these things?!

This is a very, very weird statement, and sends up red flags for me. It is not 'your responsibility'. Pleasure should be given freely, your husband should be actively trying to make sex enjoyable for you, including orgasms.

I'm worried your DH is taking being 'dominant' way too far. It's a slippery slope between a dom/sub relationship and sexual abuse. In fact, I'm sure people in that community would tell you your husband is not being a good 'dom' if he's not putting your needs first.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/06/2014 08:40

He sounds monotonous and selfish.

Maybe you should tell him his pleasure is now his responsibility.

WhyBeHappyWhenYouCouldBeNormal · 08/06/2014 08:44

Yes- DOM/SUB relationships and built on respect, and actually the job of the dom is to make sure that the sub is happy and ok and is enjoying themselves - not to completely abuse if the other person isn't enjoying it!

Completely off the scale selfish.

EverythingCounts · 08/06/2014 08:55

So he isn't at all bothered about whether you come during sexual activity (whether that's PIV or whatever) and doesn't even try to make it happen? What's in that for you? Simple answer for him: if you don't enjoy it, you don't want to do it.

Nulliferous · 08/06/2014 09:00

I'm at this. What's the point of having a wild, kinky sex life if you never have orgasms?? I thought that was the whole point?

JapaneseMargaret · 08/06/2014 09:08

Yeah, what Nulliferous said. I don't understand what you get out of this.

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 08/06/2014 09:13

I think he is using the dominant/submissive as a smokescreen for being a selfish partner.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 08/06/2014 09:16

A Dom I know says that in the dom/sub relationship the Sub is actually in charge, as it's the sub's choice what happens - if the sub says no then it's no.

I absolutely concur with everything above - this is not a healthy situation.

FatalCabbage · 08/06/2014 09:21

A D/s relationship/encounter is a gift from the sub to the Dom and can be withdrawn at any time.

nefnaf · 08/06/2014 09:24

I have kinky relationships as a switch and would never, ever treat Dom roles the way your H does. A dominants responsibility IS to cherish their sub and respect the gift of their submission, as a precious and generous thing that transcends the boundaries of vanilla sex. A 'good' Dom uses their dominance to take you to places of release as a sub that you can't reach otherwise. Taking advantage of you to fulfil his needs only sounds like the balance is all wrong to be honest. I'm sorry that you feel so disregarded, it's not what I would expect or accept from a kinky relationship at all - hth

Butterflyspring · 08/06/2014 09:29

he doesn't sound like he cares about you or your happiness at all. I don't think he is dominant - sounds like a selfish bully to me and he is dressing it up as something else to excuse his laziness and selfishness.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/06/2014 09:47

He's being selfish and unfair. There's nothing wrong with being into BDSM, but it's supposed to be enjoyable for all concerned, just like any other kind of sexual activity. Compromising and taking turns are fine ie some nights, one partner will get the type of activity s/he likes best but on an equal number of occasions it's the other one's turn to take priority. An ongoing sexual relationship where only one person's wishes matter is one that is doomed.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 08/06/2014 09:51

R.e.s.pe.c.t

Find out what it means to me.

Can't see it in this op. And if your orgasm is solely your responsibility, may I suggest he pleasures himself? And you visit coco de mer with his credit card....

Original poster

Notyetforty · 08/06/2014 09:52

Thanks for all the replies, they echo what I have been thinking. I think he is selfish and sometimes it does feel almost abusive.

He does prefer it when I'm enjoying it... because it's better sex obviously, but yeah, he really has no interest in whether I come or touching me, or foreplay (except for S&M!), in fact, if I masturbate after, he usually leaves the room.

When I said 'my orgasm, my responsibility', I meant that I know it's not just down to him to pleasure me and that I need to tell him what I like and how how I like it, which I have done - he's just not that interested.

What a bloody mess

OP posts:

TwllBach · 08/06/2014 09:53

I don't really have much experience re the dominant/submissive thing, but in terms of your orgasm... I find it really difficult to orgasm and never have done just through a bit of a fumble and then penetrative sex BUT I am happy to most of the time enjoy sex with DP like that because I get other nice feelings as well. On the other hand, DP loves to really take the time to build me up and loves watching me orgasm, knowing that he has made me feel like that. It doesn't happen every time we have sex because (quite frankly) we don't have the time, but it happens often... because he enjoys it as much as I do.

I would hate to think that he thought it was some sort of chore and that the onus was on me. It's one of the ways that tells me DP loves me. I think it would be nice for you to feel like that to.

TheAmazingChandler · 08/06/2014 09:54

What StillFrigginRexManningDay said

He's selfish and crap in bed and he's using the dom/sub stuff as an excuse.

I would never think my partners orgasm was their sole responsibility. Don't people like to make people orgasm? There is nothing more erotic than watching your partner dissolve into a shuddering orgasmic wreck. It's incredibly intimate.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 08/06/2014 09:55

This sounds like abusive sex rather than mutually agreed sex. At the very least he's utterly selfish. He doesn't do any foreplay or engage in making you orgasm? No it's absolutely not your responsibility, it's a mutual endeavour to make sure both parties enjoy it.

Original poster

Notyetforty · 08/06/2014 10:13

Minnieisthedevilmouse

OP posts:

clam · 08/06/2014 10:14

What's he like in the rest of your marriage? Is he selfish/bossy/uncaring/dominant in other areas?

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