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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH only wants dominant sex

61 replies

Notyetforty · 08/06/2014 01:06

Name changed for this.

DH and I have been together for 13 years. When we met, we both enjoyed rough, dominant/submissive sex but even back then I thought we should try to mix it up a bit with normal, loving sex. After DD arrived, it took ages for my 'drive' to come back but when it did, I wanted the dominant stuff... but I really want tender, love making too now. So much so, I don't think I can carry on in a relationship without at least a little bit. I've spoken to DH but his response is that he only wants to be dominant in bed, and that I knew that when we met. Sometimes he tries but it doesn't last and he slips back into it. Perhaps I should be firmer with him in telling him what I want? The thing is, that I like the kinky stuff, just not all the time. I want to feel loved and cherished too once in a while. The other issue is that I've never come during sex, and he never tries to pleasure me - I have told him how I like to be touched but he just doesn't seem interested... I realise that my orgasm is my responsibility but is it normal for a husband not to at least assist these things?!

OP posts:

Lweji · 09/06/2014 12:18

I am talking to him about it and will make him listen and take notice...

What if he won't take notice?

Jan45 · 09/06/2014 13:03

What a sad post, he doesn't care about your pleasure but prefers it if you're enjoying it, enjoying having sex with a man who doesn't give a fuck about your feelings?

and, no, actually your orgasm is not your responsibility, it's a joint venture.

Doesn't even sound like a mutually agreed and happy sex situation, sounds like's he's borderline abusive to you.

the fact he doesn't give a shit about your pleasure or enjoyment should tell you all you need to know OP.

clam · 09/06/2014 13:23

Hang on, he prefers it if you're enjoying it? Meaning quite often you're not but he carries on anyway?!

Am I interpreting this correctly?

Andro · 09/06/2014 13:31

I realise that my orgasm is my responsibility but is it normal for a husband not to at least assist these things?!

If he's the 'D' in this equation then your orgasm is HIS responsibility and you would be reasonable to expect him to ensure your pleasure (unless you 'get off' on denial and the wait ultimately increases your pleasure).

Being a Dom is a big responsibility, the gift of submission shouldn't ever be taken for granted.

I meant that I know it's not just down to him to pleasure me and that I need to tell him what I like and how how I like it, which I have done - he's just not that interested.

To put it bluntly; if he has no interest in your pleasure, he's not a Dom...he's a dick. BDSM gets a bad rep because of power hungry idiots who abuse one of the most amazing gifts they can be given, if he's not listening them you need to use your safeword - I'd suggest that 'divorce' would be an appropriate one.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 10/06/2014 11:26

I am talking to him about it and will make him listen and take notice...
But you already have been talking to him about this, and he's not taking a blind bit of notice, is he?

Original poster

Notyetforty · 10/06/2014 13:17

It's difficult for me to talk too, tried last night but he walked out of the room and went to bed... that happens a lot, stonewalling isn't it?

tbh I feel a bit overwhelmed by the responses (I know I asked) because although he is a bit of a shit, at least in the bedroom department, he is my best friend and I love him dearly. Neither of us are very good at talking, we're completely conflict averse - not making excuses for him, just saying that it isn't totally black and white. Anyway, we have arranged(!) a time to discuss things, just hope he listens.

It's true I have tried before but I've always backed down, also I have never really been open and honest about how I feel, I've always tried to save his feelings by being diplomatic. I'm not backing down now and I'm going to be completely honest - otherwise it's game over.

OP posts:

Lweji · 10/06/2014 13:20

How can you talk about your feelings if he stone walls you?

magoria · 10/06/2014 13:27

Your best friend? You honestly think partners get off their rocks and walk off not bothered or caring if their partner is finishing their own pleasure?

You think friends walk out of rooms and stonewall when people are trying to tell them important stuff.

He is showing you no respect, caring or love.

As others have said he is not a Dom he is a selfish wanker.

Good luck.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 10/06/2014 13:32

I have to join the others to say that I am absolutely amazed you hold him in such high esteem.

I don't believe he's conflict averse. You're conflict averse. He doesn't want to change.

He can't be arsed to have sex with you unless he's slapping you about.

He can't be arsed to have a conversation with you.

Is this what you want for your DD? It sounds horrendous.

Joysmum · 10/06/2014 18:22

It's 2 ticks in the box as far as anything in a relationship is concerned.

If he can't discuss it, you can't engage in anything sexual until it has been resolved.

Jan45 · 10/06/2014 18:27

OP, I fear the power of balance has always been in his favour, you've backed down so many times in the past he just won't ever accept that the problem could be him.

Good luck, I really think you've got your work cut out and yes I'm afraid you are making excuses, nobody on here is going to see him any other way than a selfish and entitled man.

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