DH only wants dominant sex

[Notyetforty]

Name changed for this.

DH and I have been together for 13 years. When we met, we both enjoyed rough, dominant/submissive sex but even back then I thought we should try to mix it up a bit with normal, loving sex. After DD arrived, it took ages for my 'drive' to come back but when it did, I wanted the dominant stuff... but I really want tender, love making too now. So much so, I don't think I can carry on in a relationship without at least a little bit. I've spoken to DH but his response is that he only wants to be dominant in bed, and that I knew that when we met. Sometimes he tries but it doesn't last and he slips back into it. Perhaps I should be firmer with him in telling him what I want? The thing is, that I like the kinky stuff, just not all the time. I want to feel loved and cherished too once in a while. The other issue is that I've never come during sex, and he never tries to pleasure me - I have told him how I like to be touched but he just doesn't seem interested... I realise that my orgasm is my responsibility but is it normal for a husband not to at least assist these things?!

Ime there is nothing that turns a man on more than making the woman he is with have an orgasm.

Bogeyface has it spot on. Your 'D'H is selfish.

Consent is the key to successful bdsm relationships. If, for example, you consented to a sex life where his pleasure was the focus, and this gave you great satisfaction, all well and good.

However, I've seen and heard men justify being selfish, misogynistic oafs by using the smokescreen of dominance.

Btw, I'm in a very successful, happy fetish relationship (not a d/s dynamic) and have lots of friends on the scene, in lots of different dynamics.

Hmm, 'wild kinky sex' sounds soooo much more exciting than 'being sexed on by a selfish bloke who doesn't care if you come and does exactly the same routine every time.'

He's a nob. And yes, sexually abusive.

Having dominant sex is just not like that. I like kinky stuff and dp likes being a dom.
But its (for us) more about giving to each other. There are times when dp instigates dom sex where he won't even take his Jeans off, his role is to give me orgasms and make sure he "gives me what he knows I want" (his words). My role is to let him have control and show him I trust him.
Its not about power and force, its about trust and knowing each other so well the other knows what you want before you know yourself, be that crazy wild hard sex or soft loving passionate love-making.
Dp has been shattered if he's done something I didn't like or failed to make me orgasm.
Talk to him. Do not put up with something you don't like. You deserve more.

Oh I want your partner Jokers!

God, so do I!

Sorry op, not much help here.

Maybe we could share him?

Buy him a blow up doll. It seems your only purpose for being there is to provide a bit of friction so he can get himself off. Doesn't sound like he respects you at all

Haha sorry ladies but he's all mine!

Dominant my arse he's just terrible in bed. And borderline abusive.

I don't know how you've put up with this for so long OP!

Someone linked on another thread to Ram Gavriel's TedX talk (Jaffa 2013 TedX) about porn. He talks about the lack of touch and intimacy in porn because of focus on in/out penetration and need to keep a clear view for the cameras. He also talks about the recurring theme of male dominance. I mention this because of parallels with some of the OP's descriptions of her husband's sexual behaviours & his model of dominance.

JokersGiggle, I am green with envy!

Other parts of the marriage are fine, he's very kind and considerate, he's lovely with DD - we share childcare/cooking/cleaning etc. He is rather difficult to talk to however, which is a problem. Gets 'huffy' when we need to discuss relationship stuff... hmm.

It's interesting to hear from other BDSM MN's, as that's what I had thought re doms taking pleasure in giving pleasure etc. it seems he just wants it on his terms.

I suppose I put up with it because I do like that stuff... just not all the time. And I do love him too of course. I am talking to him about it and will make him listen and take notice... he's very good at ignoring problems until they go away, but I won't let it go. Thanks for all the replies, am feeling empowered to reclaim my sex life back!

Go you! Hope he listens to you

That sounds like a completely uninspiring sex life. I am shocked that you would marry someone who had never made you orgasm during sex. Why? Not that marriage is all about that, but you're almost signing up to a life without pleasure of that kind.

Is he older than you?

He should be satisfying your needs and desires first before himself in the bedroom department...He comes across as selfish.

Nine times out of ten I come during sex. DH wouldn't have it any other way!

Wow.

It sounds like you can do a lot better OP.

If he doesn't change I suggest leaving him to be the master of his own 'cleaning, cooking and orgasms' and tell him to get interested or fuck off.

He sounds utterly boring in bed, my ex never made me orgasm because he just didnt care. I vow never to stay with someone who's pleasure isnt his business, as his pleasure is mine.

Gets 'huffy' when we need to discuss relationship stuff

I wonder why.....

He is only "kind and considerate" when it suits him isnt he? Never kind and considerate when it comes to your sex life, or discussing your feelings or when you have an issue that might mean he has to put you first is he?

So you've never had an orgasm with this fella and he has declared he has no interest in discussing/changing/trying anything that will work?

What a twat.

I couldn't be arsed having sex with him ever again. (or after the 1st time)

Why are your sexual needs so low on the agenda?

I refuse to believe he can be genuinely nice and unselfish in other areas if he displays so little regard for you in the bedroom.

And actually, one of the worst things you've said about him is that he leaves the room after sex, whilst you have to masturbate to finish off. So he's so disinterested in your pleasure he can't even be arsed to stay around.
How can you separate this attitude from the rest of your relationship? I'm not sure I could bring myself to make him a cup of tea, if I were you, let alone share a marriage.

I'm a sub and this is definitely not a Ds relationship OP, it is an abusive one. I echo clams words that probably the most disturbing part is him leaving he room while you finish off. What vile behaviour.

The sub gives the dom a treasured gift of her complete trust. - it actually makes me quite angry on your behalf OP. You should be having orgasm after orgasm. What a twat.

Take a deep breath OP, sit him down and lay down the ultimatum that unless it becomes a proper Ds relationship, sex will be permanently off the cards or perhaps you will go yourself.

I suspect he has deep seated emotional problems and he expresses his inadequacies through controlling others.

at JokersGiggle That sounds about right!

Yes, I also expect that he's only Mr Nice when he's getting his own way. I bet you give in to him over all sorts of tiny little things because it doesn't feel worth the hassle of arguing about them, but at the same time it's a steady process of convincing you that you are unimportant, only his feelings matter, and that you are only of interest or lovable if you do as you're told.

That's not BDSM, that's good old fashioned misogyny and abuse.