Im sure my Husband hates me

[greedygal]

We have been married for 7 years, 2 DC who we both adore. We are a lovely family unit, have a lovely house, lucky we don't have to worry about our finances, live a wonderful utopian dream in many respects however. . . DH is nasty to me from time to time. We have had sex a handful of times since we had DD1 who is 4.6. DH is very intelligent and has a great way with words. We do not share the family finances, he has his salary paid into his personal account. He told me he earns 5K per month (net) only recently. He pays 2.5k into our joint account and the rest goes 'towards the house and our holidays'. I earned very well before we had DC and now have done career suicide my staying at home with the DC for 4 years which was a joint decision (or so I thought).

Tonight we had yet another ding dong and he noted that I am a drunk (I do drink too much) and said I have neglected our Children. This is not true, I do drink too much but have NEVER abandoned our DC. They always come first.

DH is successful, looks nice, has a good way with words, tall, young looking and witty. I am OK looking, have zero confidence, am tubby since having our DC and have NO family.

Will I get through this? If I leave, will I get on OK without him?

According to DH I am a drunk who has lost her looks, has no friends, no career, neglects our children.

I have never heard DH say a word against anyone else so perhaps I am the one in wrong here.

How have you managed to leave? Be so strong? What was the defining factor for you? How do the DC cope?

Please help x

I am not so great at the advice and someone much better will be along shortly, but he sounds horrible and I wanted to give you this.

Sorry didn't want to read and run. I can understand that what he says is hurtful and he shouldn't say such nasty things but do you think maybe he says it out of frustration? I'm not excusing him for being mean but maybe he doesn't like the amount you drink for various reasons and maybe feels that he has alot of responsibility as the breadwinner. I'm not trying to be judgemental but you say you know you drink too much, have you ever thought about getting help with it? Maybe counseling or something can help you deal with why you drink too much and with the low confidence issues. If you really believe that leaving him will make you happy then do it but from your post I get the feeling you have deeper problems then just what's happened in your marriage

He sounds nasty and mean. My stbx was abusive. Among the things he told me was that I was a bad mother and had no friends. I also often thought that he hated me - he seemed to have total contempt for me. Sound familiar? Neither was true but now that he is gone I am a better mother and have more friends because I am not being ground down by the way he treated me.

You need to find a part time job or even a full time job which you love doing and enjoy doing. You need something for you and boost your own self esteem. The drinking thing is not good for your body to be honest. I am sure that you know this. It's never too late to find something for yourself, and also have a family too.

It's okay to have expectations, but it is not okay to also not be supportive as well.

You can indeed push for losing weight, but drag him to be along with the ride too and eat healthy. That was how my mother did it. Everybody ate the same thing, share share and be equal.

Never ever compare yourself with someone else. If you want to look good, do it on your own terms. Plus, husband and children are also not your life. You still need to have a life too which you want and desire. If there are things which require changing, then go ahead with it. Plus, on the career side, you just do not know if it is dead or not until you try to get back into something that you like. Even though my mother had us, she still had her siblings and we also go and see her friends too. We definitely made a lot of use from our family card for trains. I mean, even if you are far away from your friends or families, call and see if you guys can meet up and for you to at least show your children a different side to life. Holidays do not necessarily mean just for the family, but it can be to visit extended families and keep in touch, and build back the extended network. You still need people and you still need friends...

What a tosspot!! Maybe the reason you look knackered is because you have been busy bringing up his kids for the past 4 years!! Cheeky bastard! What a thing to say to the mother of your children

You will get along without him if you get a grip on your drinking and your confidence. Life will be less luxurious and your children may find it tough but at least they won't be witnesses to you drinking too much and your dh bad mouthing you.

Can you break it down into different issues....

1. Finance: need for transparency and honesty, and agreement about how money is spent and how it is saved (including how much each of you have to spend on personal stuff - and maybe this doesn't have to be the same)

2. Your Relationship, and sex: is there a reason that se is infrequent? do either of you want this to change? if so maybe get some expert counselling help.

3. He is nasty: unacceptable. full stop.

4. How you feel: Lots od things have changed for you - the loss of your career, a lack of intellectual stimulus, your body (or at least your idea of how you look), changes in your relationships with friends....

5. Alcohol: somehow, be honest with yourself. If you're drinking too much are you certain that you never put that before your kids? It is understandable that when you've lost your career, your friends, your life that having a drink or two can feel exciting, but if there's the smallest start of a problem there, then it is something that YOU can do something about. (I say this as someone who does/did have a drink problem, and I lied to myself about this for years)

So for each of these, work out what you want. And ultimately, if what you ant doesn't include him, then thats OK too.

As an ex alcoholic myself I would bet one of the reasons you drink too much is because you are living with an arsehole.

I can pretty much guarantee that if you rid yourself of him and find yourself any sort of job that your self esteem will improve, you will probably lose weight if you choose to and you will drink less because you won't be trying to make yourself happy in the company of an arse.

He sounds financially controlling too.

Start with a solicitors appointment and go from there.

How much are you drinking? Is he intrinsically nasty or do you think he is trying to give you a wake-up call? If you both agree you are drinking too much isn't that the thing to start with?

If you can restart work that will also help with confidence and motivation

However if he is nasty in other ways nothing will help!

Good luck

he sounds horrid and you really need to stop drinking, now, tonight, forever.
please.
at first you will feel ill. in three weeks you will feel like you can take on the world. then you'll settle down a bit.
you've got a lot to do, op. you need to sort yourself, then silently plan and prepare for getting away from this nasty man. for yourself and your children.
do it.
do it.

Alternatively, now the sun is up and the day looks bright and shiny:

Do you drink too much, more than you are willing to admit?

Have you become overwhelmed by the 'career suicide' and let yourself go / become depressed by it?

Has he tried to discuss this before?

Has he reached the end of his tether?

What do you want to do about it?

Think about venusanmars post.... is there something you could do that would make you feel better and help you get yourself back on track?

You drink to much. Ok what is that? You open a bottle of white and have a glass. Then a glass of red later? Every night? Some nights?

You drink too much. You always put kids first. You have never abandoned them. Well that doesn't mean you leave them in carparks does it? Are you regularly drunk enough to impair your ability if one wakes up? Um. Look, taking that literally the two do not sound mutually compatible.

From what you write I'm sorry but you have issues you need to address over and above your dislike of your husbands words. I don't see leaving a decent option presently. Take control of yourself first.

Also blaming sahm dom for losing your looks, career, or anything else is defeatist and I'm sorry untrue. You decided to stop dying your hair, or cutting it. You decided clothes to buy. You decided to not involve yourself in career aspects outside of earning salaries, say assisting groups, fundraising, charity, volunteering etc. in honesty you sound a bit depressed. I think this is your wake up call. Look in the mirror. Find yourself again and you might find your husband, assuming that might be what you ultimately would like. If not find yourself in a new way.

There's lots of good advice on multiple boards. Avail yourself of the internet! Bonne chance.

As others have said, a lot of this hinges on your drinking as well as your behaviour when you have been drinking.

It might be that your DH is at the point where your drinking seems to dominate your relationship with him. If he were to tell you that either you stop drinking or you get divorced, which would you choose?

Thanks for the advice people. The main thing here is that I need to stop drinking before anything else. I will get support soon. That is first and foremost, above all else.

Minnieisthedevilmouse - thanks for the harsh words but I disagree with much of what you say. I didn't decide to stop my career - my Husband was made redundant, we had to move out of London, I searched for jobs for years but couldn't get local work that would support my Husbands travel/long working hours. I didn't decide to stop getting my Hair done/buy nice clothes. Neither my Husband or I have family, there was literally no time for me to concentrate on myself and I was exhausted having full and complete responsibility for young DC. I barely had time to wee most days.

Things are improving in terms of time as my DD will be going to school in Sept. By then I hope to make changes and most importantly, STOP drinking. This is the kick up the butt I need. Thanks folks.

I'm sorry to be a pain in the arse about this but you say your little one starts school in sept and "then" you will be able to make some changes - do you include waiting to stop drinking until then too? (It sounded like it). The drinking stops now. Today. If you keep putting it off there will always be another reason to continue.

I cannot have any alcohol in the house. At all. I never drink. Not even a drop. Ever. I know I have no self control so I don't make life hard for myself. I don't go to pubs or clubs.

You need to think of now as the start. Not September.

The main thing here is that I need to stop drinking before anything else. I will get support soon.

There's almost certainly an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting near you today. You can have a look on their site. You don't have to be an alcoholic to go. Why not give it a try?

I agree with Fairylea.

If you can't stop today, you need to find help. Alcoholics Anonymous, or your GP. Putting it off until September is just another way to keep drinking.

Sorry but I didn't use harsh words. I haven't called you names. I suggested that "letting yourself go" is your own responsibility. I have under fives too. My weight, my hair, my make up is my responsibility. Not dh. Not dc. Not help from outside. If I fail myself in making me feel better, and believe me sometimes I've caught myself in shop windows and wondered who that woman was, it's been something I can correct. Because like it or not, I'm an adult. If I want five mins to do something I really can do it.

As for not working, there's childcare options. If you choose to say they don't work, aren't worth a financial sacrifice that's again your choice as you and as a family.

You could develop your own business idea if you have a passion. Thousands do from blogging to cakes. You are only chained to a sink if you allow yourself to be.

I don't get how someone who doesn't work doesn't have time to look nice. I know loads of working mums, myself included, who manage kids/house and appearance without too much difficulty.

If you are drinking too much then you aren't keeping on top of things because you are drinking too much. Don't blame the kids.

If you have no close family and friends then who else is going to state the cold harsh facts other than your husband. Is he being an arse or are you needing to sober up and start dealing with life effectively.

And you know the best time to stop drinking would be now. I feel for your kids. Alcoholic parents leave scars that last a lifetime.

I don't think its possible to know what's going on from your OP. This type of situation is always complicated isn't it?

I know that it's easy to get into a bit of a rut when the kids are little but you should be feeling like you are coming out of that now. How about writing everything down? What you want to do? What are you young to change? What do you want your DH to do? Maybe it would help clarify things. (Burn it straight away though )
Obviously stopping drinking is the first thing you should do. Get help if you need it. Even if you don't actually drink that much you may still benefit from getting outside help. IYSWIM
Maybe you could set yourself some goals and 'review' dates? Exercise? Weight loss? Job applications? Voluntary work?.....whatever you think would work for you. I'd certainly want to sort out the family finances .

You have to take control over your life and your own happiness. It's not easy but the alternative is crap.
Good luck with the stopping drinking.

Hi OP. Your thread was written last night when according to your husband you were "drunk".

You wanted advice about leaving him.

And how do you feel now?

Sober, the world is a different place. Are you happy or unhappy with the different parts of your life?

You can start by NOT drinking tonight.

Please post again. I think lots of women share your sense of having drifted into being someone they don't quite recognise.

Minnieisthedevilmouse, your words were harsh and lacked any empathy for me based on your life situation and how you are coping.

rainbowsmiles - I didn't say I was an alcoholic ffs. I said I drank too much. My Children are in bed when I drink. Where do you get off feeling for my kids? They are very happy Children and love me. Bully for you for managing the house, work full time and look good. I don't manage so well but that doesn't make me any less of a person than you. I happy you appear to be a super mum and get by so well 'without too much difficulty'. I, on the other hand am struggling with 2 little one's on my own.

I came on Mumsnet as it is a support network, something I don't have in RL. Didn't know I was going to be judged, be called names, have my words twisted and get comments about my Children's well being???

Thank you everybody else for your advice and I did word my post above wrong - I meant things will change when DD goes to school in terms of me re-training, giving myself time. I WILL deal with the drinking now though.

Honestly, if my husband was a problem drinker, I might say awful things to him too, if I was at the end of my tether with him. That might be why he is saying awful things to you. Or it might be that your drinking isn't really a problem and he is a bastard. It's impossible to know because (and I mean this kindly) I don't know if you are a raging alcoholic and are minimising your drinking in this post.

Forget 'looking nice' being an obligation of marriage. It isn't. Start with mutual respect if you can. Stop drinking now (don't wait until sept), and when the fog clears, take a good hard look at your life and marriage and be honest about where the stress points are coming from.

I think if you address your drinking problem you will be able to assess the state of your relationship with more clarity.
Do you have a trusted fried who gives you an honest and unbiased perspective on the issues in your relationship?

fairylea
"As an ex alcoholic myself I would bet one of the reasons you drink too much is because you are living with an arsehole. "

That may or may not be true. Having lived with an alcoholic whose regular form of defence was to blame his drinking on my behaviour, I think it is extremely unhelpful.
Alcoholics cannot blame their drinking on the behaviour of their partner. It's very unfair.

Maybe you're right re my comment. To be fair I did wonder if it was the right thing to say as I wrote it. And yes there is no excuse for drinking. It is up to the individual. But as anyone suffering from stress knows it makes it all the more easy to turn to a bottle. As an alcoholic you are always looking for excuses.