Im sure my Husband hates me

[greedygal]

We have been married for 7 years, 2 DC who we both adore. We are a lovely family unit, have a lovely house, lucky we don't have to worry about our finances, live a wonderful utopian dream in many respects however. . . DH is nasty to me from time to time. We have had sex a handful of times since we had DD1 who is 4.6. DH is very intelligent and has a great way with words. We do not share the family finances, he has his salary paid into his personal account. He told me he earns 5K per month (net) only recently. He pays 2.5k into our joint account and the rest goes 'towards the house and our holidays'. I earned very well before we had DC and now have done career suicide my staying at home with the DC for 4 years which was a joint decision (or so I thought).

Tonight we had yet another ding dong and he noted that I am a drunk (I do drink too much) and said I have neglected our Children. This is not true, I do drink too much but have NEVER abandoned our DC. They always come first.

DH is successful, looks nice, has a good way with words, tall, young looking and witty. I am OK looking, have zero confidence, am tubby since having our DC and have NO family.

Will I get through this? If I leave, will I get on OK without him?

According to DH I am a drunk who has lost her looks, has no friends, no career, neglects our children.

I have never heard DH say a word against anyone else so perhaps I am the one in wrong here.

How have you managed to leave? Be so strong? What was the defining factor for you? How do the DC cope?

Please help x

You've completely missed the point Howard.

Posters have said that she needs to address the drinking problem asap.

However, she also has the problem that her husband is awful.

That's not something that can be fixed with a 12 step programme unfortunately.

I'm sorry if my response is harsh but derailing this into a discussion about make-up is even worse - and trivialises the issues.

OP your DH may be financially or emotionally abusive. But you admit you have a problem with drink. You can't deal with your DH and a potential separation (which was what you wanted help with) while drunk. Please see your GP or your local alcohol services about your drinking - then you will be able to look at this with a clear head (literally). Perhaps you are not an alcoholic or your drinking is manageable, if heavy, but you need help clarifying that.

Drinking is not ideal. But if she were to address that issue she still left married to a controlling arse.

But she would be sober. It may be that her DH is part of the reason she drinks, but continuing to do so is no help in the long run. It will not help her leave, get a job, get a good divorce settlement and plan for a healthy future with her DCs.

I hope you get the help you need OP - your GP or Al-Anon would be the first port of call IMO.

Howard You should respond to those people who wrote those things, and not start to "imagine" that there is a universal standard to women, or to MN posters overall. Because there is not.

Anyway, the OP did ask for help. So let's focus on help, and not judgments or personal assassination. (Which I personally detest.)

Yet now there's a woman who says she's got a drink problem and posters are falling over themselves to claim that she's likely only drinking because her husband's an arse.

That's exactly the point Howard. All alcoholics claim they have a reason to drink. And if that reason magically disappeared they would stop...but there's always a reason.

Nobody has "personally attacked" or "personally assassinated" the op.

I take strong issue with your insinuation that posters have.

Did you actually read my posts Changenesiac or did you just want to quote me out of context?

My first post said, regarding her drinking, that she needs 'to get onto it asap'.

Al-Anon is actually for friends and families of problem drinkers not the programme for drinkers themselves, that's AA. If you are going to patronise the OP could you at least get your advice right?

If you read the OP's posts more carefully you'd see that nowhere does she blame her husband for her drinking.

Did you actually read my posts Changenesiac or did you just want to quote me out of context?

I don't have any interest in your posts. Sorry. [shrug] Your quote seemed to crystallise the attitude of many posters here.

Al-Anon is actually for friends and families of problem drinkers not the programme for drinkers themselves, that's AA. If you are going to patronise the OP could you at least get your advice right?

Apologies I meant Alcohol Concern not Al-Anon.

FWIW AA is NOT 'the programme' for problem drinkers. AA is just one organisation and one programme. It doesn't have a particularly strong success rate. It's default to say 'contact AA' but you won't (necessarily) get the medical professional help needed. AA is probably more useful as a support network once proper treatment has been given.

If you read the OP's posts more carefully you'd see that nowhere does she blame her husband for her drinking.

Oh yes she does. And so do many people on this board.

"once proper treatment has been given sought."

Are you actually serious that he is financially abusing her? Have you read her post. The reason makeup was brought up was due to the op blaming having 2 kids on not being able to look after herself.

While there is no intrinsic value in doing your face up, there is a reason she isn't bothering with her appearance and its not because of her kids. If you don't do make up well - woohoo how free of the constraints of modern society. As for me I love the magic of a mascara wand and foundation. But that is not relevant. It sounds like the op would rather be caring a little more over her appearance. Substance abusers tend to allow their appearance to slide.

And one of the questions asked to ascertain if you are an alcoholic is whether family members or those close to you think you have a drink problem. The closest person in the ops life thinks she is a drunk who is neglecting her children.

You have no way of knowing if the ops husband is abusive.

Her husband doesn't make her drink. She choses to drink. And I'm more than happy to judge her if she's putting alcohol over the welfare of her children.

The comment that she only drinks when the children are in bed and so it isn't having an effect on them is a loud speaker that she is minimising.

I agree that if she were a man blaming his wife on his drinking there would be a mumsnet roasting and rightly so.

I do the hair & make up-because I want to, not because I think I should-for DH or anyone else. The indication that this 'bit of effort' should be made is condescending & quite frankly pathetic.

Don't project how you feel the need to appear onto other people as normal, you know nothing about the OP-now or pre children.

Changnesiac: if you're going to bother quoting someone's posts it's basic common sense to read them first.

I did not say AA was 'the programme' in the sense of the one and only: but you mentioned Al-Anon, which is the sister to AA, set up by the wife of the founder of AA, and uses the same 12 step programme devised by AA.

It makes no sense therefore that you would recommend Al-Anon but not AA as it uses the same system (quite apart from the fact that it's the wrong one).

If you're just here to be pompous and talk shit, please bear in mind that the OP is a real person with a real problem who needs help.

Yeah thanks for pointing that out. ...we know what the op tells us of herself, I would have thought that was obvious enough not to require clarification but maybe someone thought I thought I actually knew the op before she posted so no, you are right - I do not and have not known the op personally.

And for the purpose of discussions, I make up for me and have suggested nothing more so perhaps the projections are your own.

Before this thread gets derailed into self-absorbed spats, let's look at what the OP is actually asking. She said:
Will I get through this? If I leave, will I get on OK without him?

She isn't asking if he's abusive or if she's an alcoholic. She needs support in considering how she will cope as a single parent without the money she's used to, with no career prospects. I can relate to the 'career suicide' bit, and many many women also find their self-confidence eroded by being a SAHM.

Exactly Biscuit , she's seeking advice not judgement.

I'm assuming you're aiming at me rainbow?

He earns £5k & generously gives £2.5 of that & 'some more for hols & to the house'. The OP lost her earning potential from child bearing & care so is reliant on him so that's ok right? . Errr no is it fuck-his wage is family money as OP is at home caring for house & family, perhaps she should start researching nannies & housekeepers in her area to value her true worth...

Anyway, hiding this as giving me the rage.

Best of luck OP.

If you're just here to be pompous and talk shit

Please don't make personal attacks when you have accused others of doing the same. I am not talking shit

As mentioned I made a mistake saying Al-Anon - I meant Alcohol Concern I have already said that and apologised. I would actually explain why I think Al-Anon is not as problematic an organisation as AA (and has helped me in the past) but obviously that would be me 'being here to be pompous'.

At your insistence I have now re-read your posts.

"A drink issue is not ideal, and you need to get onto it asap"

What non-patronising and insightful advice!

But to be honest, I think I would probably drink married to someone like that, and I don't even like alcohol much."

Just what alcoholics need - someone with no experience to minimise and normalise their problem. What a stand up person you are. The OP has pre-school children FFS.

Oh right and is that a law somewhere is it? That when one partner works and the other does not then they must disclose fully financially? No didn't think so. Different households approach differently. Some share all some don't. £2.5k a month over and above house and holiday costs is not in anyway financially abusive and to suggest it is is nonsense.

She hasnt said what she drinks but acknowledged she drinks too much. She has young kids. That is the main issue not some contrived is he abusive stuff.

Get off the drink and get out of the depression and take steps. Stop blaming. Take control. Sometimes small steps like having a shower, doing your hair and makeup are huge and they put a stamp on the kind of day you have.

greedygal if you're still reading, I'm wondering if the issue here isn't drinking (?? I don't think a glass or two in the evening, kids asleep, is a problem but my kids are university age now so I might be out of touch) but that you're feeling sidelined, losing touch with the future you thought you'd have career-wise, and your H is doing fine but possibly looking at you in a critical way (no sex, no shared aspirations, he won't even involve you in running the household finances?) and you get an uneasy feeling that he 'hates' you?

If you find yourself twisting around to try to be the 'perfect' woman he wants you to be, he might be abusive- I'm speaking from experience, my H didn't show his true colours until after DS was born, expected me to be earth mother, career woman, perfectly groomed (and always up for sex when he decided) and I always blamed myself for not being good enough. That sort of pressure can magnify what are otherwise minor flaws. I'd suggest reading up on abuse, this may not be the case but I just wish I'd seen the signs when my kids were younger.

It just jumped out at me that you say he hasn't got a bad word for anyone else. It could be that he just saves it all for you? Which would make you feel 1) even worse and 2) that he's got a point. Also, that you feel you have to justify everything, ie not neglecting the children- sounds just like I did all those years ago and am only now realising how he made me doubt myself.

The drinking may need to be addressed. But it may just be one thing he's trying to blame/control you.

Let's go back to the point.

... I didn't decide to stop my career - my Husband was made redundant, we had to move out of London, I searched for jobs for years but couldn't get local work that would support my Husbands travel/long working hours. I didn't decide to stop getting my Hair done/buy nice clothes. Neither my Husband or I have family, there was literally no time for me to concentrate on myself and I was exhausted having full and complete responsibility for young DC. I barely had time to wee most days.

To me, it's life's circumstances that changed things around wasn't it ? Would you consider going back to London, now that he earns so much more too ? You do need to make time to concentrate on yourself to bring yourself back to being alive again, because you have also checked out too. You can only really know how to leave him and if you want to leave him, when you have clarity. You need to find ways to ground yourself. Drinking can be an escapism.

Do utilise your resources and buy yourself free time. Also, the money does not mean that it cannot be say a retraining money to get you back into a career of some sort or other either. Because to me, you did not seem to resent him, but then he seems to be personally verbally abusive now. The career thing he can comment on, but then the body image thing is way out of line. To me, that is hitting below the belt. He also has a hand in this aspect when in reality, a relationship can only exist if both adults are kept motivated and engaged.

You may think that it is a type of utopic dream because of the material goods, but stop and think for a moment, it can only be utopic if both parents are happy too, and can survive in order to keep things going for the children. If you are not happy, then please do voice your opinion, and not be bulldozed and self harm with the drink. Even if you have children, you do need to keep yourself happy too. Fight for some "me" time. If you guys need to move where both of you can have a working life, then aim for that. And also never compare yourself to someone else. Every couple can be different. It is whatever keep both parties going juggling everything.

There was another thread recently about another lady who did not want to move but then her partner is starting to depersonalise and check out of the relationship too because of the long distance commute. I would also encourage the same for you. Cos to me, you checked out, and it seems to me that STHM may not be for you. You need to find yourself again, and if you want to fight for the marriage or not, then this has to be on your own terms. Money is a tool. Health is wealth.

I think Thatsnotmyname is right. I've sent you a PM, OP, hope that's OK.