Im sure my Husband hates me

[greedygal]

We have been married for 7 years, 2 DC who we both adore. We are a lovely family unit, have a lovely house, lucky we don't have to worry about our finances, live a wonderful utopian dream in many respects however. . . DH is nasty to me from time to time. We have had sex a handful of times since we had DD1 who is 4.6. DH is very intelligent and has a great way with words. We do not share the family finances, he has his salary paid into his personal account. He told me he earns 5K per month (net) only recently. He pays 2.5k into our joint account and the rest goes 'towards the house and our holidays'. I earned very well before we had DC and now have done career suicide my staying at home with the DC for 4 years which was a joint decision (or so I thought).

Tonight we had yet another ding dong and he noted that I am a drunk (I do drink too much) and said I have neglected our Children. This is not true, I do drink too much but have NEVER abandoned our DC. They always come first.

DH is successful, looks nice, has a good way with words, tall, young looking and witty. I am OK looking, have zero confidence, am tubby since having our DC and have NO family.

Will I get through this? If I leave, will I get on OK without him?

According to DH I am a drunk who has lost her looks, has no friends, no career, neglects our children.

I have never heard DH say a word against anyone else so perhaps I am the one in wrong here.

How have you managed to leave? Be so strong? What was the defining factor for you? How do the DC cope?

Please help x

Is a 5 minute job to put make up on and another 5 to do hair. Doesn't make me a super mum it just means that I prioritise it.

How much do you drink?

Hi OP, there is absolutely no way I will judge you on the drinking, because if it was that easy to be self disciplined, we would all be health nuts fitness fanatics. Don't know how long you have been drinking, it's an easy accessible 'check out'. Sometimes it's a phase you go through when you press the self destruct button - I went trough a similar phase. But have to warn you that it's a slippery slope.

Your DH needs to be more supportive, because a few issues made you take this self medication. Your body issues, social life, etc.

In the meantime, you seem to know you need help, that is a good start.

It sounds a bit like depression. Have you talked to your doctor about taking meds and therapy? This will mean no drinking, but you will feel good too from the meds.

Also you mention weight, if you had a nice body before the kids, it can be hard to find yourself with this new post baby body. Have you considered a personal trainer? That is what I did. I suggest it because you don't sound strapped for cash and it would give you such a great feeling to do the diet and personal training as you feel you are getting yourself back. This would make you feel so much better and is something to concentrate on while remaining positive. It's approaching summer time, can you get a sitter for a a few times a week, while you go training (say you swap your nights out at the movies etc. for a few weeks to get you into the groove). A personal trainer, also means you have someone holding your hand as you do it. Also, when you see the improvements, you will not want to destroy it all by drinking. All it takes is two weeks to feel so much difference!

Just a few suggestions to get you going.

If you still feel the same after loosing weight, and teetotal. Then you can see about what to do as the next step.

Good luck regardless

try this

Then have this

You're dealing with lots of stuff and alcohol is your response. Work on identifying the stuff, and keep a watch on the booze.

xx

Is a 5 minute job to put make up on and another 5 to do hair.

Ten wasted minutes imo!

Annie. I am inclined to agree.

OP how much are you actually drinking? I think it all hinges on that.

I think you sound depressed and may be self medicating. I think, personally, that it's ridiculous to be focussing on make up and weight under your circumstances as other posters seem to be doing . I very well understand how hard that is to keep on top of when you are entirely responsible for the domestic load.

Your H works or has worked long sometimes irregular hours and YOU have facilitated that. It's a bit rich for him to have played no small part in creating your current situation and to then turn on you when he doesn't like the results. A decent H would be worried and want to do something positive, I would expect him to say "look you're not happy, you're drinking too much, I am really worried about you and our family, what can WE do?" Has that conversation been had previously? Or is it just a case of take, take, take on his side until you collapse under the strain.

There's a lot going on here and I don't think a layer of Clinique and slick of lip gloss is going to help.

I'm still wasn't harsh. Sorry. I accept I'm saying something you do not like, want to hear or prefer to think false but I'm not harsh or lacking empathy. I actually feel for you quite a bit.

You are blaming everyone for every thing from drinking to lipstick. Nothing appears to be your fault as a sentient human being. The longer you devalue yourself the longer this will perpetuate.

And the eventual outcome might not be you leaving with the kids, but dh leaving with the kids....

Just because DH says she's let herself go, has no friends, yadda yadda doesn't mean it's true.

He's a bit of an abusive arse, controlling with money, and the reason that he's awful to you OP but apparently to no-one else (that you see, anyway) is because he chooses to bully you.

A drink issue is not ideal, and you need to get onto it asap. But to be honest, I think I would probably drink married to someone like that, and I don't even like alcohol much.

It also doesn't mean it's false. It's likely somewhere between the two. Something hurt. If she felt it a total lie I'm not sure things would be phrased as they are....? I think op is frustrated and dh articulated something op is aware of, ignoring and doesn't like.

I'm not placed to help re drink. I can empathise re sahm, redundancy, life adjustment, altering appearance, and the what if. If op wants....

How much do you drink?

I didn't say I was an alcoholic ffs. I said I drank too much.

I don't see the difference. All alcoholics minimise their drinking.

I don't want to be harsh as you've only given snippets of the full story here so it's hard to give feedback however:

• emotional hyperbole (HE HATES ME! We live a utopian dream!)
• blaming others and attacking others for making practical suggestions rather than uncritical support / sympathy
• stating you are helpless / have no choice about what you do
• being vague about details of your life to avoid being accountable
• giving a vague time some time in the future when you will address these issues ("I just need to get past X / do Y / get Z out of the way")

All of these are classic tactics of alcoholics. It might be a coincidence but if it quacks like a duck....

He pays 2.5k into family account and meets all house and holiday costs over and above and you think he's financially abusive???

And really? 5 mins putting make up on is a waste of 5 minutes. .. You must look a lot better than me in the morning. That 5 mins is very well spent in my house.

greedygal

Can you be honest and tell us how much you drink?

I love wine, but I don't like being drunk. I am sipping a lovely glass of red wine from a bottle I opened on Friday. Do you polish off a bottle of wine in one go or does it last more than one day.

I am not going to judge at all, but you do need to give us an idea of how much you drink.

And what is dh consumption? Does he match? Or is he more, less, fitness freak? All can make massive difference to responses. Bun baker makes good points.

I think it's wise to be a little careful about making it about how much a person drinks.

Someone can be a heavy drinker without being an alcoholic and equally someone that drinks a smaller amount but whose personality completely alters can be very much alcoholic. It's not necessarily how much but the dependency. It's when the need for it becomes almost like a grief when it's gone and the instance where you feel like it's become a way of coping in the same way that many obese people overeat to the point of killing themselves. (And by the way since ceasing drinking I swapped drink for sugar so the additive personality stays with you. I'm now 3 stone heavier than when I was drinking).

I also think by making it about how much a person is drinking it's easier for that person to then think they have conquered alcoholism if they just cut down. When realistically most alcoholics cannot drink at all. My gran was alcoholic (long line of it in our family which is very common) and she wouldn't even eat Christmas pudding with brandy as once she had the taste of it it was opening a can of worms.

I've experienced 3 people dying of alcoholism, I worked in the pub industry all my life. Being an alcoholic is so destructive to everything in your life including yourself.

Op do get help for your drinking. Help is there I promise. You just have to want it.

I can't believe the insensitive replies here !!!

Ditto that comment Fred.
I also want to say to the comment about the make up and the dressing up and the AIM of reversing one's depersonalised situation and bringing back that body and mind focus. Unless others HAVE been through that, AND recognised it themselves, then please they should not judge SO harshly without realising why others are suggesting these kind of advices.

Anything can be a "vice" and be seen as an addiction or just a bad habit. This can be food, drink, smoking, overworking, porn, overanalysing. Distracting yourself from the bad habit, and balancing this with focus on body and on the mind is how most people cope and bring back that body mindfulness and bring your mind home.

It is not "just some lipstick". The point is not to encourage the OP to just put on the make up for the sake of it, but to take care of her own body, and keep herself focused and mindful. It does and can also reduce stress as well too.

Thanks for the advice people. The main thing here is that I need to stop drinking before anything else. I will get support soon. That is first and foremost, above all else.

You mentioned that the drinking only happens after your DS is asleep to wind down. How about having a cuppa tea in replacement of the drink, and also just to eat a healthy piece of fruit like a banana ? (A banana also have some vitamins which also reduces stress level too, and is good for the brain.) Both a cuppa tea and a banana have a pH of around 7 or so, so this is good for your stomach and does not add to the acidity level. Which can also cause you to be more stressed as well, and be more anxious overall. Steps like these can slowly detox your body, even without you realising it, and it does indeed work too. Try to eat more veggies as well because it is more alkaline, and energising to your body.

For myself, I do not have any junk food or any caffeine in the house any more. No bad food, means no chance of myself consuming this.

The other thing is, if you cut it out asap without a replacement, then your mind if not likely to go for this option, because your body craves it. It has to slowly slow down to a halt, and then totally rejected from your food list.

Ffs, some really harsh replies-she's asking for advice, MN at it's best this one...

OP only you can judge if you are drinking too much-YOU not DH, if you think it's too much then yes, take control of the situation. Deal with that first then have a look at your marriage & decide what to do about it.

I don't wear make-up. My hair is in an old lady bun for work. I wear shapeless combats and boot during the day and a trackie or pyjamas at night. I am two dress sizes bigger than the day we got married. I used to go out on the lash at weekends, now I sit at home. DH and I sleep in seperately bedrooms more often than we do together and DD gets far more of my attention than DH.

DH doesn't feel the need to belittle or abuse me.

OP, if you want to change, then change, but don't do it just because he says so - do it for you.

I think posters making the personal attacks are not really getting it

He's nasty to her. He tells her she 'is a drunk who has lost her looks, has no friends, no career, neglects the children'. He has controls the finances, only recently telling the OP what he earns, but she has no way of checking up on this. She can't get a job because she moved for her husband's work. Twice she says he has a 'way with words', which usually means manipulative. She says she has no confidence - is it any surprise given the situation?

As I said before drinking is not ideal. But if she were to address that issue she still left married to a controlling arse.

Exactly Twinkle.

Maisie Of course I recognised aspects of the op. Otherwise why bother.....?

Re reading and still they are all positive. Just presently not agreeing with op.

I don't think the OP said it was a waste of time to put on makeup, I did. And I stand by that. Anyone who judges their spouse by whether they've made up their face today (other than for the Queen's garden party, which even I would make up for) is shallow in the extreme. Anyway I'm quite lovely enough without it

FIL used to hand MIL a large glass of whisky when she got home from work, wait till she'd drunk about half of it, and then start winding her up. By the end of the glass when she was a little tipsy he would accuse her of being an alcoholic like her dad, who he said died of drink. (MIL said this was rubbish.) She ended up in tears most evenings. I don't know the precise situation of the OP, but I know MIL didn't have a drink problem, she had a husband problem.

Sometimes "good intention" is not the best for the other person. It is a form of projection too. Like my ex-colleague who thought my shyness was snobbiness, and she actually spiked my drink too. To "loosen" me up, and be as rowdy as her. Because otherwise I am not "a woman" in her eyes. Personally speaking, I would not trust her if I can throw her. But diplomatically speaking, she just have a different personality, which she does have. I can only handle her with a slight pinch of salt. Or my ex-boss who was also stressed herself, and she often drags our team out for drinks, and she often also say "go on, have one Maisie". (When in reality the sh!t is hitting the fan in our team and she is the responsible manager. Projection ? You bet.)

Dare I say here that, I think the OP need to get herself some strong perspective here and understanding of her own situation. This is a must. She just have to be gentle with herself. Looking after yourself, and your body is taking back one's control of one's mind, body and soul, and then can deal with the rest of the situation which needs to be dealt with.

It's curious how on all the threads on MN where there are women talking about their DHs who have alcohol problems it's always made crystal clear to them that the drink problem is the drinker's responsibility to own. Al-Anon's mantra of "You didn't cause their drink problem, you can't control their drink problem, you can't cure their drink problem" is often rolled out to demonstrate to the non-drinker that the drinker's alcohol problem is nothing to do with them and that they are powerless over it.

Yet now there's a woman who says she's got a drink problem and posters are falling over themselves to claim that she's likely only drinking because her husband's an arse.