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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I just being paranoid?

52 replies

CrabsticksAndCheese · 06/06/2014 10:28

I have been with OH near to five years now, I have a 6 year old son from a previous relationship. Can someone please tell me if I am just going through a faze of paranoia. Recently OH hasn't been answering my calls whilst he is out or returning them which is very unusual. When he come in last night I confronted him about it, his reply was "Well I'm home now, what was wrong?" And for the past 3 nights he hasn't been coming to bed with me at night he has been staying in the living room watching television until he falls asleep on the sofa. Things like this makes me feel as if he doesn't find me attractive anymore and doesn't want to be with me.

Also my son hasn't got a father, last month we spoke about having a child together (which is something the both of us would like to happen) he also said that he wants to be a father to my son and it would be a good idea if I changed his surname to his, so basically he wants to claim him as his own, I don't know if this would be a good idea or not, as DS knows that OH isn't his father.

Now I am really starting to question my relationship, how can I have another baby with someone I am finding hard to trust at the moment? There are a lot of other things that have happened which are raising my suspicions but I don't know whether it is me being paranoid or not.

OP posts:

onetiredmummy · 06/06/2014 10:33

I don't see a reason to change your son's surname at all. My DP is my DCs stepfather & he treats them as his own but there is no way I would change their surname. Even if I married DP they would keep their surname & its their choice if & when they change it. He would claim your son as his own by being a father to him & treating & recognising your boy as his own.

He sounds a little detached, what do your instincts tell you?

Original poster

CrabsticksAndCheese · 06/06/2014 10:37

Thanks for replying, well my instincts are telling me he is up to no good. There wouldn't be no other reason in why he would act like this. In terms of name change DS carries his fathers surname I think OH suggested we put him in his surname so he and our future children (which probably won't happen now) carry the same surname.

OP posts:

ForeskinHyena · 06/06/2014 10:43

Don't have a baby with a man you don't trust and who you don think finds you attractive, it won't fix things it will just paper over the cracks long enough to get you into a vulnerable position where you have less energy to put into your relationship but more reliance on him.

I don't think I would see the name change thing as trying to claim DS as his own, it seems that if it is in relation to the conversation about having another child that he wants you all to be a family and the fact that he sees DS as being part of his family should surely be a good thing, especially as he doesn't have his bio dad in his life.

I think that if your relationship was in a better place then the conversation about DS might have had a different feel, but you are putting a negative spin on it because of your other issues.

Plenty of people will be along with advice on how to find out if you are just being paranoid or if you have good reason. Suffice to say, either way, you don't seem to have a strong enough relationship to even consider bringing a child into the mix.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/06/2014 11:02

What else has changed?
Is he attached to his phone much more than he used to be?
On the internet a lot more?
Changed his hair?
Weight?
Clothes?

He is distancing himself from you which is not good.
He is already 'checking out' of the relationship.

Us women have good gut instincts. Trust yours.

I know my exH was up to something the moment it started happening.
I challenged him about 4 months later and he denied it of course.
But I got the proof I needed in the end.
I just knew, and I think you do too!

Chocotrekkie · 06/06/2014 11:08

Is he upset that you don't want to change ds's name ?
Is he upset you aren't keen on the idea of having a child with him ?

He could be feeling hurt and rejected about it all - like you are pushing him away.
Is it worth exploring this with him - reassurance that you feel like you are a family and thats how you see it regardless of names/other children.

Or he could be cheating.

Scrumpy100 · 06/06/2014 11:08

I have had stress anxiety in the past and became emotional withdrawn and quite emotionally detached with those around me - it was a coping strategy.

Is all ok at work? Is he likely to be stressed about anything?

Original poster

CrabsticksAndCheese · 06/06/2014 11:41

Hellsbellsmelons. He has just changed it's so hard to explain, he used to call me 4-6 times during the day/evening when he is out, just to check if me and my son are okay or just to say hello.

He has always been attached to his phone, he buys almost everything online so he is always checking his phone and emails to see if they have been dispatched, he plays a lot of games on there also, checks Facebook etc. We have a home computer and 2 laptops which he rarely goes on, he prefers to do it all on his phone. Hair, weight and clothes haven't changed.

Chocotrekkie. I haven't told him I don't want to change DS name and I am/were keen on giving him a child.

Scrumpy100 He is a delivery man which he enjoys.

OP posts:

CiderLover · 06/06/2014 13:16

Maybe suggest an evening out together? Reconnect.

Original poster

CrabsticksAndCheese · 06/06/2014 16:28

CiderLover Thanka but I don't really want to after what he has been doing, it's 4.30 and he hasn't called me all day :(

OP posts:

Original poster

CrabsticksAndCheese · 06/06/2014 22:03

He come home this evening and told me he is going out with his friends, he never does this we always spend Friday nights together. I don't know what to think or do.

OP posts:

Bindibach · 06/06/2014 23:43

It unfortunately does sound like he is up to no good and is probably not with friends either. What do you think? How do you feel?

CarbeDiem · 07/06/2014 04:03

You need to ask him outright.
It does look like he's
a) very stressed about something at the moment (but then why wouldn't he tell you?)
or
b) up to no good.
Sorry op, hope you get to the bottom of it.

MexicanSpringtime · 07/06/2014 04:53

Mmm, if he is up to something he's not very good at covering his trail, is he?

I'm no expert, but from what you say, this has only been the last few days, could he be upset with you about something?

getthefeckouttahere · 07/06/2014 10:51

Somethings up thats for sure.

Given the recent nature of it, and the obviousness of it i'm not convinced it has to be an affair.

His behaviour suggests that he is trying to send a very obvious message to you 'Somethings wrong!!' Now the trick is to get him to tell you what it is, (don't ask me why some people communicate like this, i have no idea!!)

Don't let it go, get to the bottom of it.

Original poster

CrabsticksAndCheese · 09/06/2014 16:40

Sorry that I haven't been back. Found a strip of doxycycline tablets in his jeans pocket this morning, haven't confronted him about it. I am sitting here feeling numb and sick. I just feel like packing his stuff and leaving them outside the door. I can't believe I have invited him into my home and this is how he repays me. DOG!!

OP posts:

Doinmummy · 09/06/2014 16:49

Aren't doxycycline antibiotics? Why are you cross about finding these ?

I do agree that it sounds like he's up to no good. Could you do a bit more digging?

Doinmummy · 09/06/2014 16:52

I guess you suspect an STI

hellsbellsmelons · 09/06/2014 16:52

If that's what you feel like doing then do it!
Pack his stuff up and get him gone.
Something is certainly going on.
Bag it up. Put it outside the front door.
1 short text.

I know!!! Your stuff is outside. Do NOT contact me again.
His response to that will be all you need to know.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Hand holding here and I think it might time for

LBZT · 09/06/2014 16:53

I think you need to ask him calmly why he has them if you are not happy with the answer then pack his bags, or have his bags packed ready. Do whatever you think feels right for you. Possibly have a think about getting yourself tested for STD.

QisforQcumber · 09/06/2014 16:55

Dooin -Doxycycline is routinely used to treat gonorrhoea and chlamydia, I assume this is why the OP is upset.

positively9something · 09/06/2014 16:58

Oh wow I just googled the name of the antibiotics sorry to hear op but it doesn't sound good. I hope you are ok xx

Original poster

CrabsticksAndCheese · 09/06/2014 16:59

I googled them. I don't really want to speak to him, he is a man who can put on tears very quickly and he is likely to give me a sob story. And yes I will have to get myself tested as well.

OP posts:

Doinmummy · 09/06/2014 17:02

Q yes I know - but also other infections - was clutching a straws on Ops behalf

QisforQcumber · 09/06/2014 17:05

Doin - Il join you in hoping its something less sinister, not for his rotten knob but for the health of OP .

Original poster

CrabsticksAndCheese · 09/06/2014 17:11

Q I knew deep down that he was up to something, a whole change of personality. And I'm not sure what time he will even be home as sometimes he gets back early if he doesn't have many deliveries, so many things are running through my head, he could have been sleeping with one of the women he delivers to, a few weeks ago he called me and he said a woman who he regularly delivers things to had opened the door to him in her underwear.

OP posts:

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