Thanks so much for your continued support. It really has helped me. I don't have many friends to talk to because I became cut off due to pregnancy, depression, living in a rural area etc.
I cleared the house out on Sunday with my mum. It was horribly difficult to leave my home, but it's done now. I then went to stay with my sister on Sunday night and DD stayed with my parents. It was good to escape from here for a while and feel a bit normal for a few hours.
I found out on Monday that he was released without charge. I definitely think this is the best outcome because it means he is more likely to keep his job and hopefully straighten himself out for the sake of DD. In a small way it is disappointing as I'm sure he will feel vindicated and use this is an excuse to blame me for the situation. This really isn't relevant though, he can think what he likes.
Yesterday, my mum and I took DD swimming which we all love.
Today I have been feeling so much better. I got up early, got showered and ready and did all the housework until my mum got in from work. Then we went to the council to find out what I'm entitled to claim at the moment. After this I went to Women's Aid drop in. I can't even explain how much better this made me feel. To talk to someone impartial who didn't judge and understood what I was going through was exactly what I needed. I'm going to be allocated with an outreach worker (I'm sure that's what she said) within the next couple of weeks. The drop in service is also available mon-fri so I know I can go back if things get tough.
I managed to take DD out a walk today too. Might not sound a lot but considering I've barely been able to peel myself out of bed recently, it feels like a good achievement to have done that off my own back.
It's still going to be a long road to feeling better but I definitely feel that I'm getting there.
With regards to ExP. He text yesterday to ask for his manager's number. I sent him this back. I had then started to feel increasingly desperate to talk to him and phoned him about 10 times, no answer. I felt so pathetic and I really don't know what I wanted/expected. I guess old habits die hard though and that feeling of dependency is still there.
I received a text today saying he'd only just seen the missed calls and would be free to talk after lunch time. I fought the urge to reply and decided to phone if/when I felt in a good frame of mind to do so. Tried to call about 5ish, no reply and no communication since then.
I had been feeling so guilty about taking DD away from him and 'ripping my family apart' but the support worker at Women's Aid pointed out that he hasn't contacted me to ask how DD is or when he can see her, so that's on him. Also I had no choice but to remove her from the unstable environment.
I am still devastated although I only cried about 5 times today. It's still very much up and down but I can see how far I've come already.
My main hope is that ExP shapes up for DD but I need to accept I can only control myself and be the best mother I can be.
I will be honest and say that I hope he sees the error of his ways, gets off the weed and seeks professional help. If after a long period of time (apart) I can see these changes we could get back together, if that's what we both wanted. That relies on a lot of 'ifs' though and I know it's unlikely.
I have been selfish (understandably, I hope) over the last few days, but I have managed to refocus on DD and see that she is innocent and needs at least one stable parent and a happy home.
Thank you all so much again, I can't tell you how much you have helped me and how much it means.