Left home with baby DD

[SuperLoveFuzz]

I've had to get the police involved last night and leave at 1am with my 6 month old DD. Things have been quite bad with my partner for weeks/months. I've been making excuses as we've had a huge amount to deal with. Over the last few weeks I've started to realise just how controlling and abusive his behaviour has become. He has hit me a few times but always had a way of twisting it so I felt it was my fault. Last night he tore the house apart looking for a bag of weed I'd hidden from him. His weed habit it out of control. He also stole my phone and bank card and refused to let me take DD. He physically overpowered me when I tried to take my phone and was very threatening. He deleted all my photos of DD since she was born. He was playing heavy metal music and dragging me out of bed so I couldn't sleep and therefore neither could DD. I eventually had to call the police as he was out of control. I had to go to a neighbour with DD to do this. Police have brought me to my mum's. I have 3 carrier bags of DD's stuff and nothing of my own. I had been in touch with women's aid over the ladt few weeks. They were helpful but I still couldn't find the strength to leave. I just kept hoping if I did things right everything would be ok. There's a lot more to the story but I'm in pieces. My whole life has changed literally overnight. I've had to leave my home and I'm suddenly a single mum back living with my mum. I do know this will be for the best in the long run but I can't face it. Please help me :(

[fromparistoberlin73]

OP, I read this last night and I wasted to MASSIVELY CONGRATULATE YOU, you are so so brave and you have done right thing

and yes you will miss him, and you will text him, but if nothing else watch this clip

www.itv.com/news/granada/update/2014-06-09/domestic-violence-campaign-nine-year-old-in-frantic-999-call-as-mum-is-battered-by-partner/


Its very emotive, but can you envisdage this in 9 years time? cos he wont stop twatting you about

Stay strong and again I am in awe I think you are so brave

[Universal]

How are you? You must be emotionally exhausted as you've done so much over the past week.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Do stay out of contact now. Caving and calling him was a mistake because it will mean he still thinks he has power and influence over you. But I expect you realise that already. Be with people who love you, start working out your future with DD, make new friends, find a job, keep talking to Womens Aid and anyone else who can remind you that you've done a good thing getting yourself safe. The police may have decided not to charge him this time but he is now on their radar which is a good thing. Whether he shapes up for DD or not now is not your responsibility and, as the WA person said, if he was at all concerned about his child he'd have been in touch already.

Good luck but lose that phone number. You don't need it

[MexicanSpringtime]

Well said OP, babies teach us to enjoy every day because it is irrepeatable.

[SuperLoveFuzz]

Posted too soon, how have things moved on for you looking?

[SuperLoveFuzz]

Thanks looking. DD won't be a baby again so I'm trying my best not to let this cast a dark cloud over this time.

[Lookingforabetteryear]

I am a few months ahead of you having gone through a v similar situ to you. Stay strong. Enjoy the small things- like peaceful cups of coffee. Enjoy some laughs with baby. I'm no expert but things become clearer

[SuperLoveFuzz]

Thanks so much for your continued support. It really has helped me. I don't have many friends to talk to because I became cut off due to pregnancy, depression, living in a rural area etc.

I cleared the house out on Sunday with my mum. It was horribly difficult to leave my home, but it's done now. I then went to stay with my sister on Sunday night and DD stayed with my parents. It was good to escape from here for a while and feel a bit normal for a few hours.

I found out on Monday that he was released without charge. I definitely think this is the best outcome because it means he is more likely to keep his job and hopefully straighten himself out for the sake of DD. In a small way it is disappointing as I'm sure he will feel vindicated and use this is an excuse to blame me for the situation. This really isn't relevant though, he can think what he likes.

Yesterday, my mum and I took DD swimming which we all love.

Today I have been feeling so much better. I got up early, got showered and ready and did all the housework until my mum got in from work. Then we went to the council to find out what I'm entitled to claim at the moment. After this I went to Women's Aid drop in. I can't even explain how much better this made me feel. To talk to someone impartial who didn't judge and understood what I was going through was exactly what I needed. I'm going to be allocated with an outreach worker (I'm sure that's what she said) within the next couple of weeks. The drop in service is also available mon-fri so I know I can go back if things get tough.

I managed to take DD out a walk today too. Might not sound a lot but considering I've barely been able to peel myself out of bed recently, it feels like a good achievement to have done that off my own back.

It's still going to be a long road to feeling better but I definitely feel that I'm getting there.

With regards to ExP. He text yesterday to ask for his manager's number. I sent him this back. I had then started to feel increasingly desperate to talk to him and phoned him about 10 times, no answer. I felt so pathetic and I really don't know what I wanted/expected. I guess old habits die hard though and that feeling of dependency is still there.

I received a text today saying he'd only just seen the missed calls and would be free to talk after lunch time. I fought the urge to reply and decided to phone if/when I felt in a good frame of mind to do so. Tried to call about 5ish, no reply and no communication since then.

I had been feeling so guilty about taking DD away from him and 'ripping my family apart' but the support worker at Women's Aid pointed out that he hasn't contacted me to ask how DD is or when he can see her, so that's on him. Also I had no choice but to remove her from the unstable environment.

I am still devastated although I only cried about 5 times today. It's still very much up and down but I can see how far I've come already.

My main hope is that ExP shapes up for DD but I need to accept I can only control myself and be the best mother I can be.

I will be honest and say that I hope he sees the error of his ways, gets off the weed and seeks professional help. If after a long period of time (apart) I can see these changes we could get back together, if that's what we both wanted. That relies on a lot of 'ifs' though and I know it's unlikely.

I have been selfish (understandably, I hope) over the last few days, but I have managed to refocus on DD and see that she is innocent and needs at least one stable parent and a happy home.

Thank you all so much again, I can't tell you how much you have helped me and how much it means.

[Universal]

How are you feeling today? Come and talk to us. Please. No one is judging here you are in a desperate situation. Life is hard for you. We are all hoping you're ok and your little one is too.

[captainmummy]

OP - I get the feeling you are starting to cave; you feel you 'love' him (No, that is the co-dependency) and that you are worried about him, you feel guilty etc etc,

If you Must go back to him, please leave your dd with your parents, or adopt her out to loving parents. She is a total innocent in this, and deserves better than to grow up in an abusive, violent household. What you do is up to you, but she is a child in need of protection from this 'man'. Even if he never touches her in anger, she will still be aware of, and witness, violence and abuse. She will then quite likely grow up thinking that is normal, and she will then, most likely, pick a man who will do the same to her.

Break the cycle. Either protect her by staying away, or give her to someone who will provide the calm, loving, stable environment she needs.

[Charley50]

Well done for leaving. I think you need some counselling. He's a seriously abusive violent man. You will feel relief soon that you're not bringing up your lovely innocent DD in a traumatic everyday life. I left my weed addicted, threatening, violent, tight, paranoid, person hating, financially abusive ex when my DS was 5 months old. Best thing I ever did as it wouldn't have changed. I spent a couple of months at my mums and then sorted myself out with my own place. In hindsight I should have initially insisted on contact at a contact centre as he carried on trying to mess with me for another couple of years. Let your family and friends support you and be strong.

[Charley50]

Well done for leaving. I think you need some counselling. He's a seriously abusive violent man. You will feel relief soon that you're not bringing up your lovely innocent DD in a traumatic everyday life. I left my weed addicted, threatening, violent, tight, paranoid, person hating, financially abusive ex when my DS was 5 months old. Best thing I ever did as it wouldn't have changed. I spent a couple of months at my mums and then sorted myself out with my own place. In hindsight I should have initially insisted on contact at a contact centre as he carried on trying to mess with me for another couple of years. Let your family and friends support you and be strong.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I can't stop holding on to a desperate thought that given time he will change to get his family back."

The Hope Trap keeps a lot of people in terrible relationships sadly. I expect you keep thinking back to better times when he was a nicer person. You're decent woman who values family enough to take responsibility for your behaviour and change for the better & you think he's motivated by the same things. From what you've written, he's far more selfish than you, his packet of weed is more important than his own child, and he sees no need to change even if he loses everything.

It's his loss. He's made some very bad choices, he's physically assaulted you and, even if he promises to move heaven and earth when he gets out of custody, please see him for what he is and stay well away. The longer you stay away, the easier it'll get.

[Universal]

Hey you you've climbed a mountain in about three days. No one here is telling you what to do except to deal with what you have to deal with each moment.
You've been through enough today. Early night and cuddles with your daughter. You're going great.
Tomorrow is a new day.

[MexicanSpringtime]

You know yourself, OP, he would have to voluntarily get treatment before you could even think of going back to him.

Is there a group of Al Anon near you?

[Butterflyspring]

Well it is still early days - your heart needs to catch up with your head. Just deal with the practicalities for now and take support and comfort from your family. The rest you can deal with as and when you are ready.

[SuperLoveFuzz]

I have to go today to clear out my stuff and leave the house in a fit state so I can let the landlord know I'm leaving. I'm seriously dreading it. I've already been crying this morning just at the thought.

It might not be quite so bad if every item in the house wasn't all over the floor.

My mum, brother and SIL have gone to the flat now to take the bigger items. :(

I can't stop holding on to a desperate thought that given time he will change to get his family back. I know be probably won't, and even if he does it might not be a good idea to take him back. I am just clinging to that thought now.

[Butterflyspring]

for him to be in a cell for that amount of time it just shows the gravity of his behaviour and how bad he is - none of that is your fault, problem or responsibility.

But you must not contact him ever - for your own safety and sanity. You know that deep down. No contact is the only way.

[MexicanSpringtime]

Thinking of you, OP, take it all one day at a time, you are doing the right thing by your baby and your ExP is an adult who has to take responsability for himself.

So glad you have good RL support.

[FatalCabbage]

It's not your fault he's in a cell. He only has himself to blame.

People are so quickly bailed for lesser assaults/attacks/offences that even he must see he crossed a line.

It's not your fault. There is nothing you could have donewhich would have justified his reaction. He chose to behave that way and he is spending the weekend behind bars as a result.

[SuperLoveFuzz]

I can't stop feeling terribly guilty that he's in a cell for 4 nights. I know he has treated me badly but I feel like I'm partly to blame and I let things escalate.

It is good that I can't contact him because otherwise I wouldn't be able to help myself. I am really wavering and can't stop thinking of ways that we could possibly get back together. Logically I know this is wrong but I can't help feeling this way.

[tinysleepy]

Everything you feel is normal - everything that weak, pathetic excuse for a man has done is not normal. You are traumatised and the I can't tell you how much I admire your strength and resolve. You have done incredibly well and your beautiful daughter is lucky to have a mum that will do what you have done to keep you both safe.

Forget contact for the time being - the emphasis is not on you to sort it out, that is down to him. Don't contact him - let him do the running

You don't have to do ANYTHING at all except look after yourself and your baby. I think staying with your folks is an excellent idea, whilst you grieve for the family that could have been and find some strength to rebuild your life. But it is grieving because you absolutely must make sure that you leaving was the END of that relationship.

I grew up with a violent, abusive father and I can't begin to tell you the impact it has had. A child's home should be a place of safety & fun, it should be calm and a refuge from the world. Not a place to fear.
Through my professional work with vulnerable children, I can tell you without doubt, domestic violence causes untold damage to children, even it the father never lays a finger on the child.
It can make them hypervigilant, anxious & angry. Please don't assume he is a good dad just because he isn't actually hitting your child.

I hope and pray that you keep on the right path you have chosen. Keep strong because you absolutely can do this. Keep your eyes on your baby and get all the support you can.

[Butterflyspring]

I would say he is very much a danger to your DD and the only way I would let my daughter near him would be supervised at a contact centre. But I would wait a while and take legal advice too.

[SuperLoveFuzz]

I don't feel that he's a danger to DD at all and wouldn't want to stop contact. My judgement may be off at the moment though so I will take some time to think about it.

[independentfriend]

Sort yourself out first, before wondering about contact arrangements - your daughter won't suffer from not seeing her father for a few days or even weeks given her age. [And that's leaving aside the level of violence he's displayed ie. stopping you getting to her - I wonder how safe it is for her to be with him at the moment.]

But the main answer to the contact question is: go see a solicitor who specialises in family law early next week and ask them how to approach it - I don't know if his conduct is bad enough that you could reasonably offer only supervised contact. Nothing bad will happen from waiting a few days to take legal advice on how to go about this.