Left home with baby DD

[SuperLoveFuzz]

I've had to get the police involved last night and leave at 1am with my 6 month old DD. Things have been quite bad with my partner for weeks/months. I've been making excuses as we've had a huge amount to deal with. Over the last few weeks I've started to realise just how controlling and abusive his behaviour has become. He has hit me a few times but always had a way of twisting it so I felt it was my fault. Last night he tore the house apart looking for a bag of weed I'd hidden from him. His weed habit it out of control. He also stole my phone and bank card and refused to let me take DD. He physically overpowered me when I tried to take my phone and was very threatening. He deleted all my photos of DD since she was born. He was playing heavy metal music and dragging me out of bed so I couldn't sleep and therefore neither could DD. I eventually had to call the police as he was out of control. I had to go to a neighbour with DD to do this. Police have brought me to my mum's. I have 3 carrier bags of DD's stuff and nothing of my own. I had been in touch with women's aid over the ladt few weeks. They were helpful but I still couldn't find the strength to leave. I just kept hoping if I did things right everything would be ok. There's a lot more to the story but I'm in pieces. My whole life has changed literally overnight. I've had to leave my home and I'm suddenly a single mum back living with my mum. I do know this will be for the best in the long run but I can't face it. Please help me :(

Hello there, not sure if you are still awake but just in case you are having a sleepless night I wanted to post a quick handhold and say how brave you sound to have taken such hard steps to get yourself and your daughter somewhere safe.
I'm sure you will feel hellish for a while as you come through this but try and hold onto the knowledge that it's the right thing to have done and however awful you may feel, staying and being hurt over and over again would be so much worse. I am so sorry that someone who sounds as thoughtful and caring as you has ended up with such an undeserving man. Good luck OP.

Hi Ruth, thanks for replying. As you suspected I'm not able to shut off and go to sleep. I am exhausted but have too much swirling around in my head.

I wish there was something I could do to stop feeling like I want to be back together with him.

DD deserves to have a calm and safe home. That's what I'm clinging to now.

Hey there, good to hear from you. It's so hard to feel exhausted but then when night comes you can't get thoughts to switch off. You have my sympathy and I do hope sleep comes before too long.

FWIW, I think it's completely understandable you would FEEL like you want to get back together - it's so recent and I imagine it's only really starting to sink in. I think there's a bit of a head-heart delay with any sort of traumatic breakup - you absolutely KNOW it's the right thing, it makes absolute sense for you and your daughter but it's going to take a while until it completely feels like the right thing.

I imagine it's tempting to believe if you were back together, all these awful feelings would go away, but I'm sure they wouldn't and would just be replaced by something much worse, the sense of dread for what happens next, fear for yourself and your little one and another crush to your self-esteem when you find yourself back being treated this way.

Try and stay strong, keep NC as suggested by others and I'm sure those feelings of wanting to go back will slowly fade away. And post here if you feel the urge to contact him. You are taking the first steps away from abuse and (as many MN posts show) it's such a hard thing to do, but once you start to feel free you won't ever look back!

Well done for having the strength to get this far. You and your DD can sleep safely tonight.

Stay strong. Never go back. Think of your DD and yourself now.

Can you arrange for people + a van so you can properly remove all of your stuff from the flat before Monday? Would save a lot of hassle later if it's doable and you have suitable space to store it.

A new mobile number + spare cheap handset (so you can keep the old number one solely for contacting him, where necessary about your daughter, in due course) would be a good thing to acquire and sort over the weekend.

No advice really but just wanted to say you have been/are very brave for leaving and things can only get better from here. You are being a great mum to your dd x

What a horrible experience for you, OP. My daughter too had to separate from the father of her two-month old child because of violence. The baby absorbed his anger and was quite unsettled for a couple of weeks, poor thing.

Fast forward eight months and she is the happiest, sweetest little child and my daughter is totally in charge of her life and no longer in love with the father.

Just think of what you have saved your child from and the great future that awaits you both.

How are you feeling this morning? Let us know what you have planned for today.

Please speak to Women's Aid as well. Your feelings are perfectly normal and expected. They have seen this all before a million times, and may be able to organise counselling for you or just reassure you. You're going to run the whole gamut of emotions, anger, fear, sadness - for you, for him, for the relationship that you saw in the beginning, happiness, confusion, wanting to go back, not wanting to go back.

In short, nothing is wrong to feel but please trust your lovely friends and family who are being supportive, and the police, and WA, and your head. Whatever he says or promises, (and, oh, he will promise you the world, including therapy, anger management, etc. Tell him to do it solidly for 2 years+ and then and only then can you make tentative plans. Most of them are full of air. They promise but they don't last two weeks.) it is never going to be a good idea to take him back. Mexican is right, your DD is so little that she will be unsettled for a short time (as she'll have picked up on the tension, change of routine etc) but with you as a constant presence she will be absolutely fine. It's much harder to leave with an older child, as they tend to pick up behaviour problems due to the upheaval and also the disordered behaviour they have been witness to prior to leaving.

You have done the right thing, you are strong, all you need to do now is take it one day at a time and be there for DD, even when you don't feel strong. Lean on your family, they love you and want to help.

No advice but thinking of you xx

Hi all. I've had an ok sleep, still feeling quite tired but I might go back to sleep for a little while.
DD is such a happy baby, I didn't think she was picking up on the tension. Last night is the first time in months that she has slept through the night. This might be a coincidence but I'm sure the calm environment has made a big difference. She is still sound asleep now :)
I will have a chilled day with DD and my stepdad, probably go to the park if it's nice again.

My mum and I are going to the flat tomorrow to clean up and pack my stuff. It will be hard to do that, especially with the state it's been left in. I'd like to be able to contact the landlord though so need to get it sorted out.

Glad you're feeling stronger and more positive this morning. You know, when you talk about doing things 'for DD's sake'.... that's exactly what you're doing now. For her sake you've got safe, got support and got a plan for the future. For her sake things are calm and she can relax and sleep, as can you. That's so much better for both of you than keeping her with a dangerous man who assaults her mother just so that she can point to him and say 'Daddy' one day.

You've done a wonderful thing and the longer you're away from him the more amazing you'll realise you and DD are.

I can't face anything today. I just want to go home and forget about all of this.

I can't stop crying. I feel like I don't even want to look after DD. I just want to run away.

You've had a stressful experience, you're not going to forget it in a hurry and it's bound to knock you for six. Running away or running back to him won't help you, but I'm sure you know that. You sound rather depressed and if you're really struggling then do go back to the GP and ask for help.

Thanks for all your replies Cogito. I have a history of depression and have been diagnosed with PND over the last few months.

I'm taking a low dose of anti anxiety/anti depressants at the moment. I think I have to cut myself a bit of slack and accept I'm going to be sad and it will take time.

It is heartbreaking that someone I have loved and given so much of my life to is willing to throw it all away over a bag of weed. He doesn't have a great relationship with his family either. I am worried about him. I know I shouldn't be but I can't help it. My priority is of course DD and always will be, but I do still love him.

Everyone around me (including his family) are being supportive and I have been reassure on MN and in RL that this isn't my fault. I'm so used to being blamed for everything, even his behaviour. I realised today that I'm almost waiting for him to get out on Monday so I can be told what to think or feel.

His bail conditions include not approaching or contacting me. I'm stressing about this because I have no idea how I can approach contact/access and when/how I should do this.

Sort yourself out first, before wondering about contact arrangements - your daughter won't suffer from not seeing her father for a few days or even weeks given her age. [And that's leaving aside the level of violence he's displayed ie. stopping you getting to her - I wonder how safe it is for her to be with him at the moment.]

But the main answer to the contact question is: go see a solicitor who specialises in family law early next week and ask them how to approach it - I don't know if his conduct is bad enough that you could reasonably offer only supervised contact. Nothing bad will happen from waiting a few days to take legal advice on how to go about this.

I don't feel that he's a danger to DD at all and wouldn't want to stop contact. My judgement may be off at the moment though so I will take some time to think about it.

I would say he is very much a danger to your DD and the only way I would let my daughter near him would be supervised at a contact centre. But I would wait a while and take legal advice too.

Everything you feel is normal - everything that weak, pathetic excuse for a man has done is not normal. You are traumatised and the I can't tell you how much I admire your strength and resolve. You have done incredibly well and your beautiful daughter is lucky to have a mum that will do what you have done to keep you both safe.

Forget contact for the time being - the emphasis is not on you to sort it out, that is down to him. Don't contact him - let him do the running

You don't have to do ANYTHING at all except look after yourself and your baby. I think staying with your folks is an excellent idea, whilst you grieve for the family that could have been and find some strength to rebuild your life. But it is grieving because you absolutely must make sure that you leaving was the END of that relationship.

I grew up with a violent, abusive father and I can't begin to tell you the impact it has had. A child's home should be a place of safety & fun, it should be calm and a refuge from the world. Not a place to fear.
Through my professional work with vulnerable children, I can tell you without doubt, domestic violence causes untold damage to children, even it the father never lays a finger on the child.
It can make them hypervigilant, anxious & angry. Please don't assume he is a good dad just because he isn't actually hitting your child.

I hope and pray that you keep on the right path you have chosen. Keep strong because you absolutely can do this. Keep your eyes on your baby and get all the support you can.

I can't stop feeling terribly guilty that he's in a cell for 4 nights. I know he has treated me badly but I feel like I'm partly to blame and I let things escalate.

It is good that I can't contact him because otherwise I wouldn't be able to help myself. I am really wavering and can't stop thinking of ways that we could possibly get back together. Logically I know this is wrong but I can't help feeling this way.

It's not your fault he's in a cell. He only has himself to blame.

People are so quickly bailed for lesser assaults/attacks/offences that even he must see he crossed a line.

It's not your fault. There is nothing you could have donewhich would have justified his reaction. He chose to behave that way and he is spending the weekend behind bars as a result.

Thinking of you, OP, take it all one day at a time, you are doing the right thing by your baby and your ExP is an adult who has to take responsability for himself.

So glad you have good RL support.

for him to be in a cell for that amount of time it just shows the gravity of his behaviour and how bad he is - none of that is your fault, problem or responsibility.

But you must not contact him ever - for your own safety and sanity. You know that deep down. No contact is the only way.

I have to go today to clear out my stuff and leave the house in a fit state so I can let the landlord know I'm leaving. I'm seriously dreading it. I've already been crying this morning just at the thought.

It might not be quite so bad if every item in the house wasn't all over the floor.

My mum, brother and SIL have gone to the flat now to take the bigger items. :(

I can't stop holding on to a desperate thought that given time he will change to get his family back. I know be probably won't, and even if he does it might not be a good idea to take him back. I am just clinging to that thought now.

Well it is still early days - your heart needs to catch up with your head. Just deal with the practicalities for now and take support and comfort from your family. The rest you can deal with as and when you are ready.