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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I love my husband but don't fancy him and always stressed

64 replies

woodywormy · 05/06/2014 12:56

Okay so I am finally seeking advice after quite some time. Im 28 an have been married 9 years this November. My husband is a kind hardworking man and I love him but since we had our son 7 years ago I have found it a chore to have sex with him and everything he does or says irritates me. We always argue about money or lack of it and because my son is scared to sleep alone I end up sleeping in his single bed all the time. I know I should be more strict with my son but I find it a relief not sleeping in the marital bed. I get irritated at everything and everyone and I have snapped at my boss twice this year it's not good. What is wrong with me. Should I leave and start a fresh with my son or carry on. I can't keep going through the motions pretending I'm ok. I need help before I become jobless and familyless. I should probably mention I have 3 part time jobs and never have time for anything and still don't make as much as a full time job which my husband likes to mention. Also neither of us have friends or go out because we can't afford it. Ok ill stop rambling on now. Any advice please :'(

OP posts:
CarCiKoTab · 05/06/2014 13:00

Can't you try and do something together just you and him? You may find because you don't spend much time, you have both drifted apart into different beings. It's demanding having children and a full-time job but it's really important to find time for yourselves to enjoy each other and develop with each other IYSWIM.

mariposaazul · 05/06/2014 13:03

Sorry - no time for a detailed reply
I wonder if part of the problem causing irritability is lack of sleep - its very uncomfortable sharing a single bed especially longterm! The world looks a whole lot different after a good nights sleep...I know this very well myself :) maybe eg at the weekend you could swap over [bed & childcare responsibility] or take a nap sometimes to catch up a bit...

Its also important to get out & lots of nice things are free - the park, a walk by the river, some childrens activities eg at local library, street theatre/open air concerts etc

antimatter · 05/06/2014 13:06

you don't need to have money to have friends
perhaps you are to tired and short of time to meet anyone socially?

Original poster
woodywormy · 05/06/2014 13:10

We do go to the the park and things but I always feel detached from everyone. Nothing seems to interest me anymore. Before I got married I used to be really outgoing and enjoy karaoke twice a week and have several friends now its work and bed work and bed and when I do get time off we sit in silence watching rubbish tv or arguing about money.:-(

OP posts:
antimatter · 05/06/2014 13:16

Can you go out by yourself instead of sitting and watching telly?

If you could start running you could join a running club etc.

Original poster
woodywormy · 05/06/2014 13:18

He is a bit possessive in that respect and expects me to take my son or make a big deal out of it an then I end up forgetting about it as it's not worth the hassle.

OP posts:
superstarheartbreaker · 05/06/2014 13:24

You would probably be better going full time... Sounds like you are doing more than your fair share tbh.

superstarheartbreaker · 05/06/2014 13:25

Full time in one job I mean... Less juggling too.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/06/2014 13:26

You sound very stressed, possibly depressed, and I think you're struggling from lack of emotional support. Money worries are stressful but it sounds as though it goes deeper than that. I worry about the phrase 'a bit possessive', that you're expected to be responsible for a 7yo boy 24/7 and that this is isolating you from having a social life.

What does 'a bit possessive' look like? What would happen if you said on the spur of the moment that you were going out to see a friend tonight?

Maisie0 · 05/06/2014 13:42

Try to change your life around on the small things first and turn it around. Make it a priority. 3 part time job is heck of a lot of stress and juggling. Why are you doing this? Be strong, stand firm, and turn down jobs which is going to stress you and do not make your life easier. If you empower yourself this way, then things may turn around for you. Because the relieved feeling is you looking after yourself, and not just going by your husband's expectation. You can and still does have a choice in things you know. As to the marriage, consider it more when you have changed your life around a little bit. Do something which makes you feel good each day. Do it your way. It's important.

Also, never compare yourself to someone else. Do it your way instead. This is a personal responsibility thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/06/2014 14:03

"...still don't make as much as a full time job which my husband likes to mention."

That sounds like you are criticised and your contribution is belittled. Is that the case?

Original poster
woodywormy · 05/06/2014 14:19

He would turn round an say right im off to the pub then knowing we have no money he has to copy everything I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
woodywormy · 05/06/2014 14:23

He says I do nothing in the house knowing I don't have much time. I hsve 3 jobs to pay off debts have just go e to debt management company for help. With 3 jobd I bring in just around £700 a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
woodywormy · 05/06/2014 14:24

He says I do nothing in the house knowing I don't have much time. I hsve 3 jobs to pay off debts have just go e to debt management company for help. With 3 jobd I bring in just around £700 a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
woodywormy · 05/06/2014 14:25

Sorry pressed post twice.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/06/2014 14:27

What does he do in the house? What's he doing to bring in more money or spend less money? Are the debts yours or his personally or joint? Did he motivate to go to the debt management company or was that your initiative?

Maisie0 · 05/06/2014 14:30

Are you kidding me ? 700 per month based on 3 jobs. That is slavery. You need a full time position which either give you around 14k or above. This is doable. Even basic admin jobs can give you around 15k and above. I would put some effort into the job hunting thing and try to go for a change of position which is flexible. To me, you sound burnt out. I have been in this position before, all for the sake of the money. But I also came to realise that I needed to take things with a pinch of salt, and step back emotionally and not let the idea of "needing money" to ruin my emotional self, because it can do that to you as a person too. So these days, regardless if I have the money or not, I try to be creative and still eat well, try to sleep well, and plod along. But noticing opportunities as it comes up. Sometimes there can be lots of opportunities out there, but because we are too focused on our own immediate firefighting that we forget of other possibilities out there.

For example, I could order fruit and veg online, and it may cost me around 30-40 pound/week. But I found I can access a local market, and I managed to squeeze it down to 12 per week. I'm making smoothies at the moment. Possibilities are out there. Just remember to ask around and do not feel too shy to ask for sound-boarding advices. If you need more info on job hunting, please do not hesistate to message me.

rodgette · 05/06/2014 14:32

you are tired and stressed out, you have no life and you probably resent
him because all the little digs he makes when you are giving it your all
sting, I totally understand where you are coming from...

I cannot say if you should end your marriage but I hope you can change your existence back into a life- for yourself and your son.

It is really hard doing one part time job nevermind three, if your husband isn't reading off the same page as you it will end anyway... Debt is a nightmare but it is good you have gone to debt management, at least you have some support there. Can you sit him down and explain to him this is how you feel? I was once to scared to say what I think but I do now...

He may react in a way that is hard work but when you finally have enough one day and he comes home to find you gone, then he cannot
say you didn't talk him or tell him that's how you felt.

A big hug to you, I have been in a very similar position and you can get through it and change it for yourself but it isn't easy. You will get there though :) I promise, I did. x

Original poster
woodywormy · 05/06/2014 14:41

He does housework but also drinks every night of the week. We both quit smoking a few years ago but he just drinks more Instead around 10-15 cans a night its not cheap. The debt is my name but is because of things iv felt pressured to buy. He says he didn't make me buy them an is right I haven't told him the gull amount we owe cause he would flip. Its eating me up keeping secrets.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/06/2014 14:43

And what would 'flip' look like? Would he get aggressive? Break things? Use it as an excuse to get drunk? Because if he really does drink 10 -15 cans a night he's an alcoholic.... do you realise that?

Original poster
woodywormy · 05/06/2014 14:44

We have around £80 a week for food and around £40 goes on his lager. When I say he needs to calm down he says iv earned it so I should be able to have a beer if I want. Grrr so frustrated.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/06/2014 14:47

I'm sorry, but you're in a very unhealthy relationship all round. It's way beyond stressful, your DH sounds like a very selfish and unpleasant man, clearly has alcohol problems, and I'm not surprised that you're anxious or that your son is so affected by the atmosphere that he's unable to sleep in his own bed.

Original poster
woodywormy · 05/06/2014 14:47

He doesn't get drunk but after work he won't drink tea or coffee unless he has to go somewhere in car an even then he has 2 cans. He is not violent but his words can be really hurtful. He has called me stupid things like oddball and lazy lethargic but then hugs me in morning saying sorry.

OP posts:
spence82 · 05/06/2014 14:48

10 to 15 cans sounds like alcoholism to me. I like a drink as much as the next person but that is very excessive.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/06/2014 14:52

Domestic Abuse is not simply about black eyes and broken ribs. Being with someone who repeatedly belittles and criticises you, calls you names, blames you for their problems, isolates you from friends and so forth is extremely harmful and not normal in the slightest. If he drinks 10 - 15 cans a night and doesn't get drunk then he really does have an alcohol problem. Saying sorry is not good enough.

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