I love my husband but don't fancy him and always stressed

[woodywormy]

Okay so I am finally seeking advice after quite some time. Im 28 an have been married 9 years this November. My husband is a kind hardworking man and I love him but since we had our son 7 years ago I have found it a chore to have sex with him and everything he does or says irritates me. We always argue about money or lack of it and because my son is scared to sleep alone I end up sleeping in his single bed all the time. I know I should be more strict with my son but I find it a relief not sleeping in the marital bed. I get irritated at everything and everyone and I have snapped at my boss twice this year it's not good. What is wrong with me. Should I leave and start a fresh with my son or carry on. I can't keep going through the motions pretending I'm ok. I need help before I become jobless and familyless. I should probably mention I have 3 part time jobs and never have time for anything and still don't make as much as a full time job which my husband likes to mention. Also neither of us have friends or go out because we can't afford it. Ok ill stop rambling on now. Any advice please :'(

He does work really hard but thinks we have more money than we do even though I have explained how much we have left he still keeps wanting luxuries as I call them like the lager and a takeaway.

find free things to do that you can do together. See if a friend or family member will have your son stay with him and just do something alone so you get that time in.

I really don't know what to do. I think he might know I'm unhappy but he seems to think it will pass or something. Its so hard when you have joint things like the tenancy and banks etc to just up an leave.

First time to break that addiction circle is truly liberating. Now that you are on a path, continue with this. My addiction was food. I used to be in such "survival" mode and kept on eating like no tomorrow. Even though it probably brought me down emotionally based on the stress at work. I grab eat. Which was not healthy at all. It took me a while to kick that out of my system but since I have done it, it no longer has a hold on me too.

If he has cut out the cigarettes, then this is a short step towards a healthier body. Continue to buy better food at a cheaper cost with your 40 pounds. Cut out junk food. Cut out sugary food. It will make a huge difference to your life, trust me. Consider whether to get more veggies for you and your healthy. It clears your mind when you eat more veggies. Do not for now resent him for the 40 pound spend on booze. If and when he sees that you like what you are doing too, and eating better, he will actually change himself as well, like a knock on effect. Keep steady. Keep focus. Find a few GF to go along with the healthy eating if you like. You will see a difference slowly but surely.

Eat healthily, and then consider re-assessing the job option and the debt option too. It does not matter if he does not know, because if you he knows and he does not help you, then what does that say to you ? That he is not a partner ? You will resent him more and feel worst. Keep steady and keep focused for now. Have a plan, and continue.

If you guys have gotten together when you were very very young, then you may not have learnt that in this life time nobody else will indeed help you out of your ruts. Most people have to learn to be frugal, and budget. Even if you see them wearing great work clothes, at home, they may live on a very frugal and basic budgets. That is how it goes sometimes. This is actually very true. Some people will still wear clothes that they had for the past 5 years or so. Or that they would buy the cheapest of clothes to carry on. I can say that even the most senior of IT mgr that I have come across, I see them eating a 1 pound M&S sarnie during lunch time. So if this gives you an idea of how people are and how they budget... Money does not define you as a person.

"I think he might know I'm unhappy but he seems to think it will pass or something"

He has his head in the sand... or more accurately a beer can. He may work hard in the sense of paid employment but you're the one carrying the whole family and not only getting no thanks for it but being ground into the dirt with insults and attacks into the bargain. I'm worried about your DS as well as you. He can't change his environment and he's clearly struggling.

I've no idea what the PP is going on about but this isn't really about money. If you had plenty of money my guess is that he would simply find something else to lay into you about. BTW... when you said originally that you didn't fancy him, I'm really not surprised.

I'm not suggesting that you LTB because I can see you're not at that stage of the thought process and you have a lot of fears. But I would strongly recommend that you do some research on what options would be open to you if you do decide to split. Talk to CAB or a solicitor, for example. Check out what financial help you could get. My feeling is that, without him on board drinking the family money (effectively denying your child food....) , you'd be better off in a lot of ways.

Thanks so much for your advice I will keep trying.

woodywormy Both of you need to take responsibility of where you are at at the moment, and even removing yourself away from him, you will still have the debt on you, right ? Since you mentioned that the debt is in your name. There is no point in blame shifting It is indeed about personal responsibility too. I also regret buying a lot of junk too. But I need to accept this of myself, and of which I do. The motivation can only come from inside your heart and your self. Your DP is just an added bonus on top of life. As to me, it seems that you have not focused on channeling your inner desire and self to move forward.

The relationship is secondary when both of your self esteem is at an ultimate lowest of low because of life's circumstances and challenges that it threw at you. You need to reverse the situation which impacts on the basic needs first. Even if you divorce, it does not make any changes to your debt, or to your way of juggling home life with job too. You need to figure that out regardless of the relationship. Ground yourself Woody.

Iv got in to debt by getting things on credit to sell for cash to buy food and drink and clothes etc.

Food, drink and clothes are essentials so if you're in debt because you're buying the on credit and he's pissing £160-worth of lager up the wall 'because he's earned it' there's a problem. How are the family finances organised? Is it one big joint account? Cash basis? Own accounts? Do you know what he earns?

I have been down that road too Woody. With a mortgage hanging over my head and selling my soul to push for contracts. But if I was smarter, then I would have grounded myself, or to seek other opportunities, and so forth. The thing is you cannot blame yourself, but at the same time, you need to continue to stay smart. Learn from mistakes, and learn from the credit card game. Not staying humble is my own downfall. But there comes a point in time that one need not to hate themselves and self blame any more by being down and feeling more miserable and to continue to move forward, but in the right way and the right solution in place, so that it can not happen again. My downfall was also pride too when my parents offered for me to stay with them abroad to work and secure myself a little bit financially, but I refused as I did not want to burden them. I regret that now... I am genuine about the offer of helping you out in the work front. If you need help to find new position which can earn more, and can allow you to pay off your debt quicker, then I do not mind doing this as I am also in the position to do this myself currently. So it is no more work for me.

I am always open to suggestions with work etc. Its strange he wants money coming in but starts calling my work and moaning when I have to do a shift on the bar in the evening. Can't seem to win.he gave me all responsibility of bills and money but then says take me some money out for this or that if I say no therea not much left he kicks up a fuss and starts asking where itsall gone an when I say his beer he says well you had a couple on the weekend as if im not allowed when he has 10x more. So confusing.

I can't drink that much as my father was an alcoholic it scares me to have too much.

He's being deliberately unreasonable but then people with an alcohol problem often are. Just because he doesn't behave the same way as your Dad it doesn't mean there isn't a problem. He sounds very belligerent

The answer to 'where has it all gone?' is to sit him down with the bank statements and the budget, including the credit card bill that has been run up on food etc. You have to get everything fully out in the open, not hide anything, talk honestly about the payment plans and budgets and he has to understand what part he needs to play in getting the family finances straight.

If you're too frightened of his reaction to do that, you have bigger problems than money.

It sounds like he wants you to be the woman holding the purse string, but in actual fact, he does not sound like a very independent man to begin with. Only give it if he means it, and he cannot sulk. So if this is not working for him, then he needs to raise it. You resent him. He resents you. Why is it necessary ? Whatever you guys are like, you need to honestly open up chat and talk this through, because to me, it sounded like you both have coupled with "dating" to "married life" without the foundation laid down. If you are married, and a solid couple, I would expect both of you to do your thing to make sure neither of you don't survive. Meaning, all decisions are talked over, and it is for the benefit of both of you.

To me, because both of you have met when young, so you have not had that period of time to allow both yourself to manage finances independently. That is why sometimes situation like this can kick up a big fuss over trust issue. Both of you need to have the same mindset first. If he kicks up a fuss, then maybe it is time that you guys seriously set out budgets and lock it down and allow him his own freedom to manage his personal life a little bit and some of what you budget to manage on food, or nice to haves for everyone and both of you have a set personal budget and spend what you like.

I would only pool together if both of us are committed. I have to say, I couldn't do this when I was younger, because obviously, I needed to prioritise myself. I can now, and I have the confidence to do this.

Why don't you give him some responsibility as well on the billing side ? How can you be holding down a job, well, 3 jobs, as well as doing all the billings, AND managing his personal life? You're not his mother. You're his partner. If he had not let go of being mothered, then this isn't a relationship and it is not healthy. You need to let go, and ask him to manage some things too. Maybe he feels useless, and is not useful. So why not give him some things to do and to deal with ? If he does not manage a bill it means that he doesn't trust himself either. He has to trust himself to look after himself too. Which he is not doing... As you mentioned that you are 28, you both need to push for this independence and mutual inter-dependent-ness. If you do not learn that you're sinking, you won't ever learn to swim.

I'd advice both of you to do spreadsheets and "see" where the money has gone.

I think it's time to sit down and work out a serious household budget together. You also need to get some debt advice as they will only start eating into your finances more and more. You say you love him but to keep that love alive you need to have enjoyable times together and it's quite clear that that is not happening. You really need some time for yourself too, maybe meet a friend once a week or join some exercise class or go running. Anything really that gives you a bit of an outlet. Yes he might huff and puff a bit when you want to go out but hey he will soon get over it and you will feel so much better. I think half of your problems are quite simply stress related.

I can't imagine how you can hope to have a strong marriage if you won't even sleep in the same bed as him. It's time for your son to grow up a little bit now and learn to sleep by himself. It's probably your need to avoid the marital bed that is a bigger factor than your son too scared to sleep alone. If you don't cut the ties a bit soon you will still be sleeping in his room when he is at secondary school. Have you checked to make sure you are not entitled to any tax credits, it's worth a try. Please phone one of the debt counselling charities and get some advice on how to make them more manageable.

He's already checked out of the relationship and that is why he thinks of "hazy figures", and only remembering certain things and not other things and so forth. He is not focused on his own life.

Woody, plus you need to voice your opinion. Also, accept your debt level emotionally. I wondered whether this is making you hesistant to speak to him frankly about the finances. Because basically you both do need to accept and acknowledge. Once this pain is past, you will feel better, I assure you. Cos at the moment, if you do not know what you are dealing with, you will walk around like a zombie. But if you have the figures set out, and know what caused things to go wrong, the only way then is to reduce the debt, and so forth. You have a focus then. Do be gentle with yourself too and take it one step at a time...

I recognise some of the things you say from when I feel low/depressed. I was diagnosed with PND when my youngest (twins) were 3 and have been on a low dose of meds since then, they really make all the difference between me feeling like I can cope and enjoying life, to feeling like I hate everyone and everything! I have tried to reduce the dose further but the symptoms come back again. I'm not saying you are suffering from depression but it might be something worth looking in to.

The OP has already been to a debt management company in an effort to make things balance. She is frightened to own up to a credit card bill run up on food and clothes while he merrily blows most of the food budget on beer because 'he earned it' and has no conscience about it at all. The OP can't go out and meet friends because the husband either forces them to take their 7yo along or he treats it as an excuse to go to the pub and get bladdered. It's not 'huffing and puffing', he's an aggressive man who subjects her to verbal abuse, emotional abuse and mocks her contribution to the home. Yes the OP is avoiding the marital bed but can you blame her? If the 7yo is feeing insecure because he's growing up in a dysfunctional home, can you blame him?

Bloody hell cogito, OP has asked for advice and I gave her some. I don't know either of them personally and obviously we are only getting a small glimmer of their lives. Do you know them intimately and have all the answers??? We all throw in array of ideas and OP can trawl through them and either take on board or discard some/ every single suggestion we make. The trouble with some of these issues on these boards is that they quite often touch a nerve for many of us as readers. We can only make reasonable suggestions we sadly are not miracle workers. Not sure why you wanted to tear Every single line of my posting apart but there you go.

Is nobody but Cogito actually reading the Op's Posts? This man won't let her see her friends, calls her work to moan about her shifts, calls her names, belittles her contribution and drinks 10-15 cans of lager a night while she's working 3 part time jobs and having to get herself in to debt to put food on the table!
Op I think you need to look in to what you would be entitled to if you left this man, start seeing it as a possibility if nothing else!

bestfriendActually - the full info came in drips and drops, so earlier comments are really not applicable (mine at least)

"Do you know them intimately and have all the answers???"

Just reading what the OP actually posts and trying to respond to the information they're giving.

I really do thank all of you for your different insights. I will be looking at what I may be entitled to but I have a stupid joint rent account to think about too at the moment. Maybe if I stick it out till after Christmas when our agreement is up I'll sort something. Money will be tight and stress levels high but I hope I can muddle through now if at least set up my debt plan.

Woody that would be a positive thing to do and maybe approach the CAB for some advice about your rent agreement or ask the question on the Legal Boards on Mumsnet. Christmas is a long way away, keep posting here for support if you need it. Good Luck!