I love my husband but don't fancy him and always stressed

[woodywormy]

Okay so I am finally seeking advice after quite some time. Im 28 an have been married 9 years this November. My husband is a kind hardworking man and I love him but since we had our son 7 years ago I have found it a chore to have sex with him and everything he does or says irritates me. We always argue about money or lack of it and because my son is scared to sleep alone I end up sleeping in his single bed all the time. I know I should be more strict with my son but I find it a relief not sleeping in the marital bed. I get irritated at everything and everyone and I have snapped at my boss twice this year it's not good. What is wrong with me. Should I leave and start a fresh with my son or carry on. I can't keep going through the motions pretending I'm ok. I need help before I become jobless and familyless. I should probably mention I have 3 part time jobs and never have time for anything and still don't make as much as a full time job which my husband likes to mention. Also neither of us have friends or go out because we can't afford it. Ok ill stop rambling on now. Any advice please :'(

I know its a way off but I think financially I need to wait till then and see the doc about my stress.

I respect your decision but do understand that your DH's behaviour and the fear it creates in you avoiding his behaviour is a big source of your stress

Woody, I'm very glad to see you've decided to see the doctor about your stress levels and are going to get some advice about your debts.

But Cogito is absolutely right. These problems have not been caused by you. The bottom line is your DH is spending half (HALF! ) your household budget on alcohol. He is drinking between 70-100 cans of beer EVERY WEEK. You are working in a bar just to pay for him to be an alcoholic, and he has the nerve to ring you at work to complain because you aren't at home to run around after him.

There is no way he will ever be able to take responsibility for anything - far less 'sit down and have a sensible discussion about family finances' as other posters have suggested, when he's either pissed or hungover all the time. And he does not have to 'appear' pissed to be under the influence of alcohol - this is what long term alcohol abuse does to people.

I do hope when you go for help from your GP and the debt advice people that you can bring yourself to be completely honest about why you are so stressed and in debt - that your DH has a serious drink problem. They will will certainly not judge you, have heard it all before many times, and will hopefully offer you the support and advice you need. But no-one is going to be able to help or advise you unless you can tell them the truth about what's happening in your life and accept it yourself. Al-anon would be a good place to start.

Some strange replies on this thread, I think advice on managing your budget better and buying cheaper vegetables is to be missing the point entirely. And no idea what MaisieO is on about.

Your husband does not sound at all like a kind man and you appear to be shouldering all the blame for everything here. If you are in debt you need to work as a team to clear it but it does not sound as though your husband is capable of addressing any issues while he is drinking so much all the time.

You could maybe contact Alnon (apologies if thats already been mentioned). But one thing is for sure that until your husband addresses his alcohol addiction your stress levels will not go down and your money issues will continue. I feel very sad for you and your DS, this is no life for either of you and I hope you can get the help you need to start making some changes.

Mrs Even though this is MN. I do realise that this is very much a real person, and that advocating the OP to go for a divorce is never a true option. I can often see a lot of ladies here being that bit pushy in wanting the OP to get out of her situation asap and actually exaggerating into a large proportion than anything. If anything, the true gut instinct decision HAS to come from the OP themselves. Because even if they break up with their partner, this decision needs to be from their own heart, because the devastation and the emotional trauma that comes afterwards has to be dealt with themselves. Even if we put pressure onto others, we do not live their lives, and we cannot be a support for them in their real life.

To me, it is being responsible with the words that I am writing.

The note about eating more healthy and budgeting is not done so to invalidate the OP's feelings but I am trying to get the OP to increase her self esteem to then allow her to see the wood for the tree herself. She needs this instinct back in tune again.

I stand by my offer about giving help on finding a new job which can bring in more money to pay off the debt sooner. Anything which helps to release some stress in one's life is better than just to go ahead and numb our senses more with drugs and pills, while your situation remains the same.

"To me, it is being responsible with the words that I am writing"

To me, it is irresponsible to see a clear case of a woman subjected to bullying or abusive behaviour and suggest it can be fixed by eating vegetables or finding a new job. Several women each week are killed by their partner and many more are driven into depression by the behaviour of their partners. To seek medical advice is not to 'numb our senses with drugs and pills'.... that's simply insulting. I don't think anyone is being pushy in suggesting that her stress levels would be considerably lower if this man was not part of the picture

Cog Blowing things out of proportion and projecting is a very danger and manipulative thing Cog. I do not know your background but I continually see what you write here as not to be the case here, but borderline on being hysterical ? We have to be sensitive to the OP's actual situation and the context that it is in. Which enable a true and decent and helpful response. Just reeling out random stats, which is of absolute no value to someone's actual life is almost minimizing the fact that the OP asked for help and understanding.

To me, I see it as a simple thing. If I can help, then I will offer help where and when I can. If I cannot, then I do not overextend myself to "theorise" on what "could" be the solution.

I am standing by the OP's wish.

My husband is a kind hardworking man and I love him but since we had our son 7 years ago I have found it a chore to have sex with him and everything he does or says irritates me.

She wrote that she loves him and is not aware of what is happening with her at all. Yet, you can stepping in telling this woman that her husband is bad for her and evil and so forth. How can you say that ? Can you not see the context ? She wrote "I love him". What more do you need to read to get the actual context and picture ? Everything is abuse? Even what you wrote here is abusive to the OP's husband too... Randomly.

A lot of people in bad relationships say they love their partner. There's a thread running at the moment where an extremely brave woman has escaped a very violent man who takes drugs and beats her up. The police have been involved, SS are involved and even she says she loves him still.... but she's doing her very best to stay away. Saying 'I love him' is not the end of the story.

I do not respond to people's problems 'randomly' - quite the opposite. I ask questions to get more information and understand more of the context. I take deep offence to being accused of being abusive towards anyone and suggest you apologise.

I am really sorry and upset that people are arguing over my post I genuinely wanted people to advise me on my situation. My husband does have days and moments when he is truely kind and normal but thos doesn't last long. At the moment me and my son are watching tv and he has gone to bed tired. But before he went said he didn't want or ask for the nice roast I cooked earlier so it's in the fridge cooling.

Oh but he wants a roast dinner tomorrow. I have decided not to cook cause I've had enough.

Woody, of course he's kind to you sometimes, if he was nasty all the time you would leave wouldn't you! He knows that!

I don't blame you for not cooking again, I think you should start looking in to you would be entitled to etc more quickly, knowledge is power!

If he's drinking 10-15 cans of lager of an evening that's a minimum of 20 units of alcohol a day and possibly as high as double that. Which means that when he wakes up in the morning he's still half-drunk. It's entirely like he's never properly sobering up before he starts drinking again.

I'm not surprised you don't want to sleep with him. He's always pissed. Being in a relationship with a raging alcoholic is very stressful. It also means that you're not going to be able to have a meaningful conversation with him about his drinking because he will do anything to protect his "right" to drink.

I can't drink that much as my father was an alcoholic it scares me to have too much.

You are the daughter of an alcoholic and you are now married to an alcoholic. It happens to a lot of us. You have the opportunity to break that cycle for your son.