Should I tell my DH the truth?

[Sunshine4444]

Hi

I am new to here and was wondering if you could help.

I am in a massive panic, I am not pregnant yet but am trying so fingers crossed it wont be long! I am worrying as 9 years ago I was in a really violent relationship, very controlling and he stopped me taking the pill so I would get pregnant which I did. I knew it was a life sentence for me so I went ahead with an abortion and didn't tell anyone. I went to the clinic, had the op and drove myself without anyone knowing.

To this day no one knows about it, I have been through counselling and I know it was the right thing to do. I am now happily married but I am so scared that this will be in my notes with the GP or will I have to tell them about this?

I know you shouldn't keep secrets especially from a partner but things in this past relationship have never been spoken about as I didn't get any support from my family.

I don't know if I should tell him and risk him being angry that I haven't said anything in 6 years and also I know he doesn't agree with abortions!

Thanks for any help x

It is your private medical information and you are not obliged to share it with anyone else. He doesn't have a 'right' to know. The thing that concerns me is that you are worried about telling him as he is anti abortion and may get angry. Not wanting to tell him is one thing, but being scared to tell him is quite another. I would be seriously reconsidering trying to conceive with any man who felt I should be denied choice or who thought it any way he had a right to be angry over my decisions about my body.

My past affects who I am now. I didn't tell me DH about it until we'd been together for about 12 years, best friends before that.

It's been such a relief, it explains a lot to him of why I am like I am and my beliefs and morals. We are closer as a result and I'm happier in myself.

Thanks so much for all your messages.

You have made me feel so much better that my DH doesn't know and to be honest I think I will keep it to myself. He does know parts of the relationship but to be honest there are things that happened that I don't think I can actually say out loud.

Although what happened is a life sentence and I will never be able to get the things out of my head I can cope with everything and I have for many years.

Like some of you have said the booking in appointments I can go to alone and I will ask them to make sure it's kept between us.

I think my DH would understand as he is a lovely caring guy but I think I am now a little proud and stubborn and because I have dealt with everything on my own I don't want to think of anyone feeling sorry for me.

Thanks so much xx

Whether you tell your DH or not you must tell the midwife. They need to know everything so they can give you the care you need. I think you should tell your DH as it would hurt him more if he found out via your notes.

Your DH might be against abortions in the case of HIS baby but be very understanding in your case.

FWIW I think you did the right thing and were very brave.

Don't not tell him because you don't want him feeling sorry for you. That is daft. He will be sorry you went through it, not sorry for you as in you are pathetic.

Good luck with your future, Sunshine! And good luck getting pg.

For the benefit of anyone reading this thread and seeing the word 'conscience' used in the context of termination, and that the OP will live with it all her life, I would like to say that I have had more than one termination, in very different circumstances, both involving factors out of my control. I have a very clear memory of what if feels like to be unwillingly pregnant, and knowing that I made the right decision for me at the time I barely give the abortions a second thought. No guilt, no 'living with it' no thoughts of what might have been - just relief and gratitude that I was not made a prisoner of my biology. As the OP says - for a life sentence.

I agree with Itsfab - he may be anti-abortion if he was considering a child of his own, but your termination was years ago and in a very difficult situation which you were incredibly brave for dealing with.

I would probably tell him, based purely on not having to worry about him finding out and the stress it might generate.

Just checked up with relevant medical staff. No one will know about your abortion. It will not show up on a scan or physically. So why make a problem for your DH. He will have to think about it one way or another if you tell him.

Chances are if you had had your exes baby you wouldn't be with your DH now.

Well done for escaping your abusive ex and good luck for the future.

Just to warn you being pregnant and having a new baby can stir up old feelings and memories. You may want to ensure you have access to extra support from the midwife or counsellor.

Good luck sunshine

I can't think of any logical reason to tell him. The truth is over rated. Everyone has secrets. Everyone has a past.

Just get on with your life as it is now and look forward.

i really feel for you in this.Itmust be such a hard thing to bring up especially if he's possibly going to be upset or think badly of you. You do sound worried. I don't want to add to that but I've had confidential information leak out more than once. Life is long and people are leaky! How bad would telling him be? if he truly believes say that abortion is the same as killing a person (rightly or wrongly ) do you feel ok about keeping it from him? its a long way off, but if you keep it from him would you also have to keep it from a future child, maybe even directly lie about it? i would think disclosure at that stage could be devastating just in terms of secrecy . it could make him question whether he ever really knew you ( if its important to him).