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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this how it will stay?

51 replies

Ilovebakedbeans · 02/06/2014 21:23

I've had a lovely relationship for 4 months with someone I met online. We get on very well, met eachothers families, spend quite a lot of time together. I'm feeling very down tonight and I'm not sure why. I keep thinking the relationship will not progress to anything more than it is now and to be honest my ideal would be to remarry one day.

I do realise it's far too soon to be thinking of marrying him but he seems so comfortable with his set up that I'm not sure he would want to change it. He is in his mid forties but lives with his parents due to circumstances when his previous relationship broke up. Unlike many people of this age who would probably be desparate to get out he's seems very settled there getting everything done for him. I keep thinking why on earth would he want to leave. It's too soon really for me to mention anything about it although I have asked if he can see himself staying there for good and he just said its convenient. Just having a down mood this evening and I keep thinking if he was really in live with me surely he would want to see me most nights not stay at his parents house?

OP posts:

Spinester · 02/06/2014 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quitelikely · 02/06/2014 21:38

How many nights does he spend at your place each week?

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/06/2014 21:41

We had a 3 month and 6 month review; and then moved in together. We can't tell you what he wants, you have to actually sit down and discuss it.

Original poster

Ilovebakedbeans · 02/06/2014 21:43

He has told me he loves me and that he's happier than he's ever been. He also makes plans and has pinpointed various things like my birthday next year and said he hopes we will still be together, oh and he did say he would like to grow old with me and we could have a wonderful life together. I just get a bit insecure and wonder if he's too comfortable.

I guess I just keep thinking of all the things that could go wrong when I'm in this mood

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Original poster

Ilovebakedbeans · 02/06/2014 21:45

Depends what my shifts are but at least 3 usually 4 nights a week, occasionally 5

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Alwaysbuybigpants · 02/06/2014 21:46

Get out while you still can. Read your post back. He is 40 and lives (happily) at home with his parents. There would have to be a whole catalogue of exceptional circumstances for this to be okay. Let me guess, he doesn't drive either? Never had a mortgage? Can he work a washing machine?

I'm (half) kidding, but this would be a giant red flag for me. Why would you want to marry a lazy, unmotivated mummy's boy who would rather spend EVERY night at his parents than at his new birds place?? This is the time in the relationship where he should be all over you, taking you out, showing you a good time - not staying at home in his slippers watching Corrie while his mum cooks his tea!!
Move on and look for someone who pays council tax.

SanityClause · 02/06/2014 21:51

There was a recent thread by a MNer whose boyfriend always said he was going to learn to drive, move out of his parents house, get a better job.... But he never seemed to take any of the steps to make it happen. Eventually, she realised it was never going to happen.

I think, perhaps 4 months is early days, but I wouldn't hang around for too long, either.

Perhaps give yourself a mental deadline for when you intend to bring it up again if things haven't moved on. In another two months, maybe?

And make sure he's not moving out of mummy's house, into yours, with you taking over from mummy! (I am not saying this is the case, just something to watch out for.)

Original poster

Ilovebakedbeans · 02/06/2014 22:03

Well he does drive, works full time, don't know about the washing machine though lol. He does admit he doesn't have to do anything.

He always takes me out, if anything it's me saying I'm too tired that prevents us going out more. He's very keen on doing things together. Yes it does seem wired though that he's content to be living there, I would go stir crazy and have to have somewhere of my own.

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JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/06/2014 22:08

Im not sure what you expect to be happening at four months in? You spend three/four nights a week together, you go out, you have fun...

Why not ask him what he wants in the future, and tell him what you are looking for...

Original poster

Ilovebakedbeans · 02/06/2014 22:16

johnfarley this is howI expect it should be four months in, what's bothering me I suppose is I can't understand why he would want to be living with parents and if he's so happy then would he want to leave at all further down the line. His dad is quite seriously ill and when something happens to him his mum will be alone if he left.

I realise he sounds like a bit of a mummy's boy but I don't think he is and he seems to be a genuinely nice person

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littlegreengloworm · 02/06/2014 22:19

I think he is a mummy's boy. It doesn't mean he's not a nice bloke. Infect he values family, so he probably is.

I would gently get around to the subject of leaving home and ramble on st what age you left home and see what he brings to the table future wise.

It's four months but if its going nowhere - at least you know.

Otherwise enjoy it for what it is. I wouldn't like a man who lived at home at that age. Even if you do live together at some stage, he's been spoilt.

Original poster

Ilovebakedbeans · 02/06/2014 22:27

Yes I think I may just have to have a conversation with him. We are due to go away soon for a few weeks so will wait until after that in case it doesn't turn out as well as I hoped

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Original poster

Ilovebakedbeans · 02/06/2014 22:29

I know what you mean about not liking a man living at home at that age. It's just he's such good company and we get on so well. He has had a house with his brother years ago then lived with a partner for a few years then alone for a couple before moving back into parents house

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mammadiggingdeep · 02/06/2014 22:32

I think you should try to enjoy it for what it is at the moment- a relationship of 4 months.

Original poster

Ilovebakedbeans · 02/06/2014 22:38

mamma do you think I shouldn't say anything to him then ?

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JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/06/2014 22:40

I'm usually really anti the mummy's boys but he sounds quite nice

And his dad is dying?...

How many months/years has he been at home and then I will judge ;)

mammadiggingdeep · 02/06/2014 22:46

Not really no. I'm bit saying don't discuss it if it comes up but personally if I was living at home with parents and I thought a guy was judging whether he thought I had it in me to move out, I'd be well pissed off. Not after a year or so but after 4 months I think I'd be thinking it was early days.

mammadiggingdeep · 02/06/2014 22:46

not saying

Original poster

Ilovebakedbeans · 02/06/2014 22:50

He is really nice and will do anything for me , he's generous, kind, easy to talk to and get on with, easygoing and fun to be with.

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ForeskinHyena · 02/06/2014 23:02

It's not like he's never lived away from his parents though, it just sounds like a convenient stop gap. Nothing to say he won't want something more committed further down the line.

Like a pp said, I'd have a mental deadline and in the meantime do a bit of subtle questioning about his views in the future.

Canihaveonemoreslice · 02/06/2014 23:13

I would probably ask him outright. I wouldn't ask in a way that sounded like you expected it but I would bring it up casually. I.e my parents would drive me up the wall, are you ok living with yours or would you like to move out eventually? Etc

I think men do find it easier living with a parent than women do. I'm seeing someone who is living with his parents since his separation and it was one of the questions I asked early on, more from an interested point of view. I found it strange that a grown man could be happy living with mum or dad.

I think 4 months is the right time to be asking the question. If he says his plan is not to move out then you can decide whats right for you.

WildBill · 03/06/2014 06:05

Get out now! a 40 year old man living with his parents is a boy. The ' circumstances' excuse is nonsense.
Adults sometimes go back to their parents for a short period of time in an emergency situation until they find their own place but this bloke prefers staying at home with his parents to jumping you every night?
Find yourself a man not a boy.

magoria · 03/06/2014 06:13

It's 4 months and he is probably supporting his mother as well as coping with a seriously ill dad.

Stop thinking ahead and enjoy what you have or move on. Give yourself a deadline of a year and see how things are at the end of that. Don't voice this out loud to him.

beatingwings · 03/06/2014 06:18

If he is staying up to 5 nights at your place then surely he is living with you, not his parents?

Except I am guessing that he is not contributing financially to your home, or probably not much in terms of housework etc. He's won't be doing his own laundry either- probably his Mum.

Look at it from his point of view. Not sure why he would want to change- he hets to sleep with his girlfriend up to 5 nights a week, gets all his laundry anfd ironing done, doesn't have to worry about bills, has two women cook for him, I'm not surprised he's happy.
He's got all of the benefits without the responsibilities.

Original poster

Ilovebakedbeans · 03/06/2014 08:37

I have casually talked about it previously and it seems he doesn't have plans to move anywhere soon, well certainly not to get a place on his own. What he basically said was its convenient and he's not there all that often he either out doing his hobby, seeing me or relaxing in his own room watching tv. I suppose my question is would he move out to live with a partner?

Then again he has done before so I suppose he would if the right person came along

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