Is this how it will stay?

[Ilovebakedbeans]

I've had a lovely relationship for 4 months with someone I met online. We get on very well, met eachothers families, spend quite a lot of time together. I'm feeling very down tonight and I'm not sure why. I keep thinking the relationship will not progress to anything more than it is now and to be honest my ideal would be to remarry one day.

I do realise it's far too soon to be thinking of marrying him but he seems so comfortable with his set up that I'm not sure he would want to change it. He is in his mid forties but lives with his parents due to circumstances when his previous relationship broke up. Unlike many people of this age who would probably be desparate to get out he's seems very settled there getting everything done for him. I keep thinking why on earth would he want to leave. It's too soon really for me to mention anything about it although I have asked if he can see himself staying there for good and he just said its convenient. Just having a down mood this evening and I keep thinking if he was really in live with me surely he would want to see me most nights not stay at his parents house?

Depends how keen he is.

A man utterly in love will want tolive with his partner.
A man who enjoys a woman's company, have a few laughs and some sex won't be so keen to commit.

Any variation of these relationships is fine, as long as you are both happy.

beatingwings that is exactly what I am concerned about but haven't been able to explain very easily. I am looking at it from his point of view and he's got it made hasn't he. He has no responsibility and has me. My worry is how do I change this situation should I want to further down the line.i don't cook for him though I make sure he takes me out

That's the thing I want to know if he's really in love with me as although we are having a nice time I don't want it dragging on when he won't commit. I'm not getting any younger and my ultimate goal would be to live together and preferably one day remarry

I don't know that you can change the situation, your boyfriend has control over his own feelings.

Reluctantly I have come to the cpnclusion that a keener a woman seems then the further a man will distance himself.
Many men find a slightly aloof woman extremely alluring. So don't be there on a plate for him too much.

Other than that keep communication open. You can't force him to be head over heels in love with you, but he should be honest.
If he won't talk about it then slacken the rope a bit and see how keen he is to do the running.

OP, in your first posting you said "if he was really in love with me surely he would want to see me most nights not stay at his parents house?" Then later on you say he spends 4 or 5 nights at yours, depending on your shifts.

Um, he is already seeing you most nights!

It's four months in, for crying out loud. If circumstances are such that this is a stop-gap measure (messy divorce left him financially struggling and he's getting back on his feet) or that he feels that he wants to be at home because his dad is seriously ill, then that's reasonable.

There's nothing wrong with sounding him out about the future, however, although it is relatively early days. Maybe discuss it when you go on this holiday you have coming up, but without it seeming too heavy for four months in.

OP how long since his last relationship broke up?

I'm not here on a plate mainly due to my shifts and as I work late some evenings we don't see eachother. Unfortunately I don't have time for hobbies in the evening only on my days off. He still continues his hobby but does work it around me a bit when he needs to which is good

I'm probably worrying needlessly as it is early days. I think I'm just so reluctant to invest too much time in someone again when it may not go anywhere. I need to listen to what he says, he did say we could have a nice life together and on another occasion he said he feels at home in my house, maybe he was sounding me out?

One thing I'm certain of though is that he would not take advantage of me or be a cock lodger like my previous long term partner

The relationship broke up about 4 years ago but he hasn't lived with parents all that time. He's had afew short term relationships since then

A little unfair to assume that because a man is living with his parents he must be sponging off them. It sounds like circumstances where there's probably a bit of mutual support and convenience going on there. Have you met his parents? What sort of dynamic is going on there? Him sitting there in slippers while poor old mum cooks and serves his tea, or the other way round? Check it out before you run away!

I'd also agree with previous comments that it makes a big difference that he has gone back there after being independent for some time, rather than that he has never left. If he had a comfy enough arrangement on his own but gave it up to give the old folks a hand while dad is ill, that's surely a sign of good character. However this could mean you may have to queue for attention or even get roped in to helping out, and if that's a problem for you it may be time to back off discreetly.

I definately don't think he's sponging off his parents he contributes his fair share. I have met the parents they are very welcoming, always invite me round for meals and have said and made it obvious they are happy to see us together. There does seem to be an element of mutual support going on but yes his mum does do all household stuff for him, however having met her I can't see her allowing it to be any other way

I don't know the precise timescales on his moving back there but it seems he lived alone for a short time after breakup then went back for convenience reasons. The dad subsequently became ill but currently is not needing looking after as such

Has he spent any time at your place other than the odd night, and does he try to contribute a fair share, like helping with dinner, offering to cook occasionally, and so on?

He comes to mine a few nights a week after work after he's gone home to get changed and eat unless we are going out to eat. Then we will spend most of the weekend together when I'm not working but he does pop off for a few hours in the morning to the gym. I very rarely cook think I've done it twice because he takes me out to eat. He doesn't do any housework but I wouldn't expect that. He has helped me out with the odd bit of DIY or gardening. I do think at this stage the balance is just right tbh. It's just got me wondering if he's too comfortable where he is to move out and take on responsibility

I think I've lost some respect for him since I saw him yesterday and we were chatting generally about where we live. He's no intention og getting a place on his own. He doesn't see the need and is comfortable where he is. I'm not sure how he would feel about living with someone in the future as I didn't go that far I simply asked if he ever felt the need to live alone. His reply went something along the lines of he hasn't got enough money for a deposit and having his own place would mean he wouldn't have enough money to enjoy life.

I must admit to not telling my friends that he lives with parents only a couple of them know. Am I being horrible in feeling like this? He really is a lovely guy, caring,generous, easy to get along with and always ready to compromise. I just sometimes even now find myself a bit resentful that he has absolutely no responsibilities whilst I often struggle alone working and keeping my house. I do realise that's not his fault or his problem so why am I feeling like this

Bump

Hi.

He IS with you most nights.

Not sure what you are asking to be honest, it's 4 months in.

I am currently separating from my DH who is v similar to what you describe. the reason you are feeling like this is because it's not right. leave sooner rather than later, the red flags are waving. If he can't motivate himself then you will only make yourself miserable trying to.

My concern here is that he would be willing to move in with you, but would expect it all to be like at his parents, where he does nothing, but would expect you to.

Maybe you should have dinner in more often and see how he behaves.

But, as previously said, if you have doubts, trust your instincts.

On the few occasions we do eat in he has asked if I want him to do anything and he washes up afterwards. He will cut my grass for me too but as he doesn't live here it's difficult to expect him to do anything else

Er, he uses your bathroom - he should clean it every now and then. He adds to the rubbish, he should take it out. He sleeps in your sheets, uses your towels, he should put a wash on. Etc etc.

His mum must be in her 70's yet he doesn't have to do anything? Even if she's the matriarch, he could get in first with the dishes or washing. Like you said, why would he want to change the status quo? I would hate to live like that, personally - it's undignified. I'd feel like I was taking the piss. The fact that he doesn't is a red flag, surely.

tall not sure I agree with the put a wash on taking rubbish out and cleaning the bathroom. Ideally it would be nice but as my bf who is not living here I personally don't think many men would do that

I do agree with the second part of your post however. I too couldn't live like that and yes it's not dignified and actually I'm starting to wonder what is wrong with him that he accepts it as normal.

He lives there 5 days out of 7, that's practically moved in. Of course he should pull his weight in 5/7 of the chores.

I think people on this thread are getting carried away.

You have been with him only 4 months. I would honestly relax and enjoy each other's company for now and stop worrying about the future.

Things will move on when the time is right.

Please don't dump a very nice man because some mumsnetters said he should clean the bathroom more.

Got the dvd etc and wrote the end chapter of the book, disaster. You. Don't. Even. Know. Him.

Maybe his response about his living arrangements was based on how he feels right now. It doesn't sound like you pinned him down on the real question in your mind which is 'if things worked out between us, would we get a place together and would you take an equal share of the responsibility and bills?'

I certainly would never have asked my DP this at 4 months.

The truth is, 2 years ago I was living with my parents (I own my own property but rented it out and moved in with parents to save money and go travelling). At 4 months I was staying at his 3-4 nights a week. I did do a lot of housework for him in those days, but mainly to impress him as I had such a strong desire to keep him happy. I'm not sure many men would do the same, and it sounds like your chap is being helpful in other ways. I personally hate mowing the lawn and taking the bins out so if he's doing that sort of thing then that would be enough for me.

For us to have a formal conversation that early on about 'will we be together forever' would have ruined the moment I think. Eventually we kind of naturally realised we didn't want to spend another night apart. I would suggest going home so he could get a good nights kip and he'd ask me not to and so I basically moved in and gradually more and more of my stuff ended up in his place. I initially paid my way by doing the all the food shopping, I then eventually started paying half the bills.

It kind of happened gradually and organically, we moved along as it felt right. But 4 months in, if he'd tried to pin me down to making a decision about the rest of my life or judged me for living with my parents things would have felt very different.

I think you should just see how it goes and enjoy the moment. Give it another 4 months and see how the land lies, a lot can change in that time. Believe me... I ditched the whole travelling idea, we bought a house together and now I'm pregnant!! If he's 'the one' it will be worth investing a few more months, if he isn't that's just life and you'll find someone else.

Yes, red flag.

40-something year old living with his parents...

You know he is waiting for someone taking over that role..

free house, domestics, etc

What you want for your life?

A guy still living with mummy&daddy?